"THE BLIGHTER."

"Get" Lost-Season 6, Episode 3

2010-02-11T09:03:00.000-08:00

"What Kate Did" OR "Return Of The Jedi"
or
"KATEHATER"
....................
Before things get all out of control, let's try to remember that Kate comes from a broken home.
Her Mom is a total WitchBitch.
Kate got arrested. Like, twice.
Then she killed her Father.
Then she gOt sentenced to the closest thing this world has to purgatory. (I'm ignoring New Jersey.)
So, the girl's got issues.
Now.
If you were bottom-of-the-slime-pit-cock-tease-whiny-snot-nosed-muck-about-Kate Austen, how would you handle your new freedom?
Would you:
A) Flee to Canada, swim to Cambodia; get farfarfaraway from the American Justice system that wants to see you dead.
B) Say you're sorry to your Mother. Hug some old high school friends. Have a Dairy Queen for the last time.
or
C) Hop in a cab, threaten people with your stolen gun, run over some guys luggage, get a random body-builder dude to bust you outta your cuffs, drop off your hostage, look through her shit, then pick her BACK UP, help her run some errands, then take her to the hospital so she can have her baby.
..........
If you choose C then you're a nittywitty clusterfucker and I have no time for you.
Kate blows massive chunks. Like, if she was the Titanic then people would have been counting down the minutes till that bith hit the iceberg.
Was she dropped on her head as a baby?
(Well, probably.)
But still! WHO DOES THINGS LIKE THIS?!
EVEN IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE?!?!
GRRRRRRAAAAGH I hate Kate I hate Kate I HATE KATE!
I could spend hours discussing the mass stupidity that lies in this woman's wake.
Which is sad. Because three hours into the last season of the BEST SHOW ON TV I have to deal with the fact this this evil Gerbil is polluting my life with her hateful stares and her odd and uncomfortable way of humping dead air.
GRRRRRAGGHH....
...BREATHE....breathe....breathe.
Ok.
So, on "Lost" we had a Kate Episode.
...And you know what THAT means(Fight it, fight it)...It means we were in for a very "special" episode of "Lost".
One where reality and common sense are as strange and foreign as unicorns or Blackula.
One where up is down and down is up and left is right.
Let's...Let's start this out by talking about everybody else but Kate so I can REALLY just tell it like it is, OK?
So, Sayid's alive again.
And not like zombiealive, not like Jacob crawled into his body (Even though I TOTALLY thought that was the case.)
No, he seems to be normal Sayid.
Trouble is? He's tortured by FooManCooCooKaChoo (oh the irony!) and asked to swallow a pill that will KILL his ass DEAD.
Jack is in the familiar position of healerhelper dude, but lately I don't think he has it in him.
Ever since his grand plan of setting of the H bomb didn't work (and how many times has setting of an H bomb every worked out for the better?) Jack seems like he's on a one man rollercoaster to hell.
He doesn't seem to care about being efficent or proper; hell no.
Even FooManCooCooKaChoo saw that; now he's playing with Jack emotions, being all like "if you want to save your friends you must listen to me" and whatnot.
I don't know. I don't trust FooManCooCooKachoo anymore then HarryPotterWitchBitch, but then again I'm not Jack.
But even "Where's my daddy" JACK is smarter then that toaster-strudel-strumpet-slut Kate Austen (fight it, FIGHT IT)
..........
No, you know what, FUCK IT.
This was a Kate episode and it's time to talk about Kate.
WHAT IS THIS WOMAN THINKING?
So you loved this dude for 108 days.
Sawyer. He's a hot piece of ass and it's a dry beach and you once had sex in animal cages.
You like him.
But then you let him jump off a plane and you don't see him for three years.
Bum-mer.
Meanwhile, you're fucking his best-friend/mortal enemy and raising a baby that YOU STOLE from YOUR BEST FRIEND and the only person who could tolerate your shady skanky selfish ways.
Basically, you're a freak of nature and you deserve to be judged in front of a smoke monster.
But no. You get another chance to make things right.
So you blow up an H bomb.
Sawyer's girlfriend dies but you're all like "whatev", and start the whole puppydog thing again on a man who has JUST LOST THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.
Then you get taken to a temple. Instead of saving your friends, you decide to follow this veryverySAD and ANGRY man to the house he shared with a woman who is MUCH COOLER then you--and then you watch him mourn.
Just because, you know, it's a Tuesday.
FUCK you Kate.
Fuck you in BOTH timelines.
Back in 04', Kate is like a hurricane of Hate.
What must go on in the writers room?
.......
HEAD-WRITER
So. Looks like we have to have a Kate episode.
EVERYONE
Oh, fuuuuuuck me (etc)
HEAD-WRITER
Hey, hey--I know! I know. We all know she sucks, the audience knows she blows, hell, even Evangelical or whatever-
JJ ABRAHMS
Evangaline Lilly.
HEAD-WRITER
Yeah, whatever. What the hell are you doing here?
JJ
Stealing ideas for Mission Impossible 4.
HEAD-WRITER
Go to the "Fringe" set and do that, willya?
Jesus.
Now, we're gonna have a Kate episode, so, let's just get it out of the way NOW so we don't have to do it LATER.
EVERYONE
...OOOOOOH.
HEAD-WRITER
You get me?
EVERYONE
Right on, sock it to me!
HEAD-WRITER
...You guys should be writing for "Gary Unmarried"
........
That's probably how it all went down.
No, really.
Guys.
THIS.IS.OUR.LAST.KATE.EPISODE.EVER.
This is a happy time!
No longer will we have to look at her assbackwards antics for a full episode! No more will Evangaline Lilly have to show us how well she can pout, ponder, and postulate!
Oh, and how she postulated!
Girl was just all over the place, wasn't she?
Why doesn't Sawyer just DROWN the woman? If I had just lost the love of my life and my ex was all like "sucks for you, but look at me, I'm wearing a sweaty tanktop!"
I would have gone nutso pajamas; justifiably!
...So, Claire's back in the mix, too. Her and Kate go well together. Like a hangover and McDonalds.
I imagine a night on the town with Kate and Claire as being very Sex and the City.
"Let's steal a cab!"
"Ye-ah! Then let's go snoop on the woman who's adopting my baby!"
"And then she'll turn you down and you'll drop water on her doorstep!"
"Those stains NEVER come out!"
"You go girl!"
...I like Claire. So, we'll just assume that hanging out with Kate is like getting abducted by Linsday Lohan. You're going to do some crazy, unfathomable shit, but it's all forgiven because you've been abducted by a power-drunk-witchbitch.
Anything goes.
Now, what was the creepy doctor (who's also Tom Cruise's cousin) doing in the hospital?!
I guess because the island has een underground since 1977, he had to go to the mainland with his family.
Same with Ben! Same with Miles!
The island doesn't really exist for them; it wasn't a big part of their lives.
Now these freaks of nature are forced to work normal jobs, just like the rest of us.
(I bet Ben's a janitor or some shit.)
Anyway, I hope we move away from Kate-on-the-run story-lines in the alternate universe.
(Or maybe she'll get arrested by Michelle Rodreigez and they can have several scenes of cryptic-speech with occasional ass-kickings? Might be fun.)
Anyway, the closer of this episode was the real kicker.
What the fuck is Claire doing with a gun? Looking all Rosseau-esque and shit.
Has the poison gotten to her brain?
Apparently.
I wonder what "the poison" is. Actually, that's a HUGE mystery that's been cloaked over the whole series.
The minute we begin to hear Claire speak, I think we'll get a better understanding on what this "blackness" is.
I'm SO excited to hear about "the blackness".
So. This was our last Kate episode. Let's all drink to her--
Here's to Kate. She's a dumb silly toaster-strudel-strumpet-slut--but she gave us a lot to bitch about.
To Kate!
-ikeblog

"Get" LOST-Season 6, Episodes 1-2

2010-02-11T08:13:00.000-08:00

Let's look at this first three episodes of the best show on television as a "trilogy", OK?
The first one sets the rules.
The second one rewrites the rules.
The third one blows everything to shit and then it's back to the drawing board.
Over the past two weeks, "Lost" has taken us from the heights of "A New Hope" down to the swampy depths of Ewoks and Kate Austen.

"A New Hope" or "LAX: Pt 1"
We begin at the beginning of the end.
Jack, drunk.
Shaking plane.
Stewardess who may be hitting on everyone in first class.
But wait--why is she handing Jack one bottle of vodka instead of two?
Why is Rose totally fine with flying and Jack is the one shaking like a bitch?
WHY DID DESMOND JUST POP UP BEHIND JACK?!?!?!
All of our expectations, everything we've been trained to watch out for, was gone as Jack and co. sailed over the island--now buried beneath the sea.
Was I the only who who got choked up?
I know that the island killed, like, HUNDREDS of people, but at the same time the island is the reason Rose is still alive. It's the reason Locke could walk again. It's what brought Juliet and Sawyer together--but now, it's not there anymore.
We see how the characters NEED the island more then the island needs them.
In the last "off island" scenes of the episode, Kate is being hauled to prison, Charlie nearly Od's in the bathroom, and Locke has to be helped off of the plane in his wheelchair.
I wanted Guyliner to turn up and ask these people if they could take it all back.
I mean, lets look at the facts here.
Last season, Juliet and co basically created another UNIVERSE.
Lemme say that again.
THEY.CREATED.ANOTHER.UNIVERSE.
Do you know how much responsibility that puts on a person?
Even in X Men, Jean Grey (as Dark Phoniex) had to explode a plant BILLIONS of light years away, because the idea of humans having so much power makes these people beyond godlike; it makes them Cameron-esque and Spielburgian.
Are the "on-island" folks going to have to stop this alternate timeline from happening? Can they?
This is some deep sci-fi shit.

"The Empire Strikes Back" OR "LAX: Pt 2"

The '70's are SO over.
Now that all the losties are in the same timeline, does that mean we can see the teary hello of Jin and Sun?
I might cry. (But to be perfectly honest I always fast forward through the subtitled scenes; I read really fast and I don't have time to watch alternate timeline Jin be a total asshole to Sun. I'm not racist I just know how it goes.)
In this episode, we meet the new HarryPotterWitchBitch--and I shall call him FooManCooCooKachoo, because this motherfucka is one crazy crackerjacker.
He got crazy eyes and whatnot.
Now, I like the idea of the Losties being trapped in the Temple, but please, PLEASE give us some answers, FooManCooCooKachoo.
He knows more then anyone on the island (except Guyliner), but he keeps acting like a little Nancy bitch about it.
Isn't this the last season? AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO GET ANSWERS?
Whatever.
Like any true sequel, the tension must intensify. Sayid nearly died, guys.
To be honest, I was totally freaked.
Let's ignore the fact that if Sayid dies then we will never see the buff bristled body of Naveen Andrews--who cares?--if Said dies, then the brownest people left on the island are Sun, Jin, and that weird Tomb Raider bitch by the beach.
LIVE LIFE IN TECHNICOLOR, SAYID!
But it seems like the temple fixes people.
Or makes them worse.
Isn't this the same temple that little Ben went into?
Hmmmm.
Now, meanwhile, the people at the beach--let's just call them the Beachies--are dealing with the fact that Guyliner is no longer the creepiest fucker around.
Now it's Locke. Or smoke monster. Or MockLocke. (Yes!)
Anyway, MockLocke is one creepy motherfucker who can turn into smoke monster and then back into creepy Locke.
Let's think back for a second--ALL LAST SEASON Locke was SOMEBODY ELSE.
Doesn't that make you just want to watch it all over again?
Like that scene where he goes with Ben under the temple and Locke's all like "I can't go down there".
Well, he REALLY meant "I'm hiding my evil monster qualites until you aren't looking, so now I can suprise you and when you get back up here pretend like nothing's wrong."
Shit is FUCKED UP!
Anyway, more off island Marvel-style-alternate-universe-mumbo-jumbo.
Back on LAX, Jack offers Locke a buisness card.
It seems that our bold and fearless leader thinks he can FIX Locke.
Dudes got SERIOUS problems. (Jack, not Locke.)
BUT--Jack's Father is gone?
Where the fuck is he? There's no island for him to slip away to...And a coffin isn't just something you misplace...so what gives?
And why can't Locke find his knives?
And why is Kate's bodyguard such an idiot that he allows her to go to the bathroom with the stall open? Didn't this guy watch "The Fugitive"?
I don't want to pile to much into Kate, but MAN is that bitch one slippery flipper.
Girl can't keep her shit together!
By doing some Maguyver shit, she frees herself, knocks out The Bodyguard, and basically just slips out of one of the biggest airports in the world.
...And waits for a cab.
Let's try to think like Kate, just for a second.
Ok.
So, your crazy plot has gone off without any hooks, bells or whistles--good for you!
Do you
A) Run like hell, as far as you can get, just go.
B) Hide in the airport and get a really sweet disguise so you don't look like a total spaz.
or
C) Take the elevator with police officers, wait in line for a taxi, and then abuse and assault a pregnant woman while the Puppet guy from Heroes drives off.
Hmmm.
........
Kate's one crazy bitch. I don't have enough time to tax her stupidity here, but she's gonna get audited in a few months and then she'll see how all her crazy adds up.
WHATEVER.
Crazy thing though? Claire's in the cab too!
Are all these people DESTINED to keep bumping into each other?
I'm very confused as to how this off-island drama is going to play out.
This could either be the best thing in the series or the most confusing b-story ever.
I hope it's the former because I fear the latter.
All in all, these two episodes were "Lost" in top form: comedy, drama, action, pathos.
In the next blog, I will tackle "What Kate Did" or "Return of The Jedi".
...God I hate Kate.
BUT I LOVE "LOST!"
Ikeblog

Oscar Predictions: Feb 1st

2010-02-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year. Again.
(Actually, that time of MONTH for me. Whatever. I'm always right.)
Here goes:

Best Picture:
Avatar
Precious
Inglorious Bastards
Up In The Air
The Hurt Locker
An Education
Up
Invictus
A Serious Man
District 9

Surprises:
Star Trek
(500) days of summer

*The first five are lockers. Everything else? Jesus.
What a great idea this 10-film-nomination process would have been in 2007.
(AKA the best year for film in the last decade.) But who cares? More movies for people to see, more bitching to be had.....
That being said, I'm not so sure about "Up." I LOVE the film, but the oscars are not about love. They're about money and cock gobbling and red-carpet-licking.
Since we have the "best animated film" category going, I think more people will push for "Up" in it's ghetto rather then embrace the idea of an animated film going toe-to-toe with "The Hurt Locker." (Which I also liked, but, of course, that's beside the point.)
"500 days of Summer" is also a question mark.
See, the Academy doesn't just like to choose a great film and say "hey! here's your one nomination in the most competitive, cutthroat category possible!"
The Academy likes to spread the love.
To get nominated, a film must have support from either the director, screenplay, or actors.
"Avatar" is all about the director, "Precious" is all about the acting, "Up In The Air" is all about the script.
"500" will get a screenplay nomination, but that's about it (unless there's some random outpouring of love for Gordon-Levvit in the acting category.)
Still, it's a sweet little romantic comedy that never did anybody any wrong.
Alternates? "Star Trek" and "District 9". If either one of those flicks gets in, "Avatar" will never win best picture. The sci-fi votes will cancel each other out, and the award will go to "The Hurt Locker".

BEST ACTOR
Jeff Bridges "Crazy Heart"
Colin Firth "A Single Man"
George Clooney "Up In The Air"
Morgan Freeman "Invictus"
Jeremy Renner "The Hurt Locker"
SUPRISE: Viggo M. for "The Road"

Jeff Bridges will get the nomination and the award.
Clooney and Firth are all like "Whatever" about it.
Freeman deserves better.
The little seen "The Road" features a big meaty academy awards performance.
However, Renner could edge Viggo out, because people actually LIKE his movie...

BEST ACTRESS
Sandra Bullock "The Blinde Side"
Meryl Streep "Julie and Julia"
Carey Mulligan "An Education"
Gabby Sidibe "Preciouis"
Emily Blunt "Young Victoria"
SUPRISE: Helen Mirren "The Last Station"

Sandra Bullock will win.
Nobody wants to give it to Meryl, but nobody doesn't want to NOT nominate her again, for fear of her immense wrath and hullfire.
Mulligan ain't getting shit and Gabby realizes Jennifer Hudson will be the ONLY fat black woman to get an academy award for her first feature film.
Emily Blunt? Academy loves the brits. And hot young women. Put them together you get--HELEN MIRREN?!
..But she already has an oscar for playing a queen.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christoph Waltz "Inglorious Bastards"
Stanley Tucci "The Lovley Bones" OR "Julie and Julia"
Matt Damon "Invictus"
Woody Harrelson "The Messenger"
Christian McKay
SUPRISE: Anthony Mackie "The Hurt Locker"

This is Waltz's award.
Tucci's happy to be there. Damon don't give a fuck.
Harrelson will be too stoned to pick up his phone when the nominations are out.
Anthony Mackie is one hot blacktor.
McKay played Orson Wells. Curse? OR PROMISE?!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Monique "Precious"
Anna Kendrick "Up In The Air"
Vera Farmiga "Up In The Air"
Julianne Moore "A Single Man"
Diane Kruger "Ing. Bastards"
SUPRISE: Any of the women from "Nine"

This is Monique's award.
Kendrick and Farmiga pretend they don't care but in reality are worshiping voodoo gods to get their girly mitts on the big great golden.
We live in a world where Julianne Moore has zero Oscars and Hilary Swank has two.
And Diane Kruger? That bitch is stealing Melanie Laurents spot.
Fuck her.
And these NINE bitches? Don't even get me started.
There's a special place in hell for people who work with Harvey Weinstien.....

BEST DIRECTOR
James Cameron "Avatar"
Kathryn Bigelow "The Hurt Locker"
Quentin Tarantino "Bastards"
Lee Daniels "Precious"
Jason Reitman "Up In The Air"
SUPRISE: Neil Blomkamp, "District 9"

Bigelow gets it--and becomes the first woman to EVER receive a best director oscar.
Cameron shrugs and counts his money.
Quentin is too ADD to focus on a real campaign.
Daniels will get an oscar for "Selma", his new film which just started shooting.
And Reitman can go suck a bag of dicks.
SPOILER ALERT! Eastwood might sneak in here for "Invictus".
But do we really still care about that old dinosaur?

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Mark Boal: "The Hurt Locker"
Tarantino: "Bastards"
Joel and Ethan Coen: "A Single Man"
Michael Weber: "(500) Days of Summer"
Pete Docter: "Up"
SUPRISE: Cameron, "Avatar"

This is a race between Boal and Tarantino.
And as much as I love "Avatar", Cameron really needs a co-writer.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Jason Reitman: "Up In The Air"
Geoffry Fletcher: "Precious"
Neill Blomkamp: "District 9"
Nick Hornby: "An Education"
Armondo Ianucci: "In The Loop"

This is going to that Reitman hack.

BEST EDITING:
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Up In the Air"
"Star Trek"
"District 9"

Avatar's award, but "Hurt Locker" may bring the heat.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
"Avatar"
"White Ribbon"
"Hurt Locker"
"Nine"
"Bastards"

Even though Cameron invented a new camera, the academy loves pretty Foreign Landscapes. Winner? "White Ribbon".

BEST ART DIRECTION
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Public Enemies"
"Where The Wild Things Are"
"District 9"

I think this might be the only place "Where The Wild Things" might be.

BEST SOUND MIXING
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Star Trek"
"District 9"
"Transformers"

Avatar.

BEST SOUND EDITING
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Up"
"Star Trek"
"2012"

Avatar.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
"Avatar"
"Star Trek"
"District 9"
No competition.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
"Ing. Bastards"
"Young Victoria"
"Nine"
"Where the Wild Things are"
"Coco Chanel"

SCORE
"Up"
"Avatar"
"Princess and the Frog"
"The Informant!"
"A Single Man"
-"UP" gets it.

BEST ANIMATED FILM
"Up"
"Fantastic Mr Fox"
"Princess and the frog"
"Coraline"
"Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs"
-"Up" get it (again).

BEST MAKEUP
"Star Trek"
"District 9"
"Imaginarm of Dr...."
SUPRISE: "Young Victoria"

BEST SONG
"Crazy Heart"
"Nine"
"Avatar"
"Princess and the frog"
"Where the wild things are"
-Crazy Heart wins.

....OK.
Now I'm exhausted.

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

2009-12-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

1. "Avatar"
88 Million
*

So, if you've read the reviews, this is supposed to be pretty awesome and must-see-esque and groundbreaking and life changing and eyeball fucking and all that jazz.
Normally a picture like this--with this much heat and hype and, I don't know, insanity surrounding it--would open to 100 million plus and steam out after that, probally landing in the vicinity of about 250 Million.
Think "King Kong".
The mystery of "Avatar", however, is the Cameron factor.
His last indie film, "Titanic" (maybe you've heard of it?) opened with 28 million in 1997. It took the long road (as in the 9 month long road) and slowly became the biggest film of all time.
Many are saying "Avatar" has a shot at grabbing that goalpost, however, this is a highly untested property.
Since "Spiderman" broke the 100 million three-day mark in 2002, only a handful of films have pushed past that barrier.
ALL of these films have either been sequels ("Dark Knight", "Shrek 2", "Ass Moon") or superhero films ("Hancock").
Now, if you factor in the 3d aspect, which bascially transfers to a ticket and a half in normal box office dollars, this film should be doing gangbusters.
However, the general audience seems to be on the fence about this.
They'll read the reviews (which are great) but there seems to be an odd sense of "show me what you got".
In the end, that's not a bad thing.
People did the same thing with "Titanic". After months of hype about budget, disputes, and marketing (sound familiar?) the film opened small but played huge; operating on a word of mouth system that hasn't been matched.
People didn't want to see it, but when they did, they felt like this was a movie they had to support.
So. We'll see. This could either
A) Be the highest grossing movie domestically of all time
B) Be the highest grossing movie internationly and flop domestically
or
C) Be a complete and total flop that rivals "Heaven's Gate" and "Ishtar".
....That's hope for A or B.

2.
"The Princess and The Frog"
16 Million
*

On big movie weekends, all films tend to do a little better.
Espically black princess movies, such as--
....Oh, wait a second....

3.
"The Blind Side"
10 Million
*
There are only two things I like about this movie.
1. I enjoy Sandra Bullock in a way that can only be categorized as gaygaygay.
2. I love that this movie is kicking "New Moon" and forcing the creeepy Mormon sex farce to crawl back to it's grave.

4.
"Did You Hear About The Morgans?"
8.5 Million
*

No, actually, I didn't, and I don't really think anybody else has either.
It's a terrible little concept rom-com flick that deserves to surf the bottom of the Blockbuster 2 dollar barrel for eternity.
Shame on Sarah Jessica Parker!
What was she thinking/drinking--she jumps from the hugely populaur and succesful "Sex and the City" film to "Spinning Into Butter"--(a film so bad it was delayed three times and then dumped on home video)--and then she has the gall to crawl back with this tragic piece of trash.
This woman needs a reboot.
Is her marriage to barely closeted homosexual Matthew Brodrcik THAT terryfying that she must
A) Hire a surroagte Mother to give her TWINS so she has her arms full and can't hug Matthew
and
B) Flee New York City to film terrible toilet traps with the poor man's Hugh Grant--Hugh Grant himself.
Shame.

5. "Brothers"
5.5 Million
*

In a perfect world, this and "Morgans" would switch places.
Old people should love this movie. Letterman did!
Come on. Sexy young leads. Best of their generation.
Acting. Not like "acting acting", they're like ACTING acting!
Come on, Grandma!
No?
Oh--oh, you're seeing "Avatar" too? Ok. See you there!

.............................

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

2009-12-11T18:36:00.000-08:00

Anyone intrested in Avatar?
There's some glowing reviews. I've already started crunching numbers; methinks December's box office is going to explode in a couple of days.
But first: black people take over your local cinema!

1. "The Princess and The Frog"
26 Million

This is going to do gangbusters.
1.
People Love Black People.
Evidence: "Preciouis", "Invictus", "I Can Do Bad All By Myself", Oprah, me.
2.
Black People Love Black People
First Black Disney Princess EVA! LOLOMGTTYLJKNKJKNK!
3.
2D is the new 3D (Until "Avatar")
All the hype is directed towards the LOOK of this film. When's the last time you saw a major studio attempt 2D animation? 2002. "Lilo and Stich".
Now, "P&F" will get over 100 million domestic, but it will take time. Look for the big numbers to slide in around Christmas time. Opening weekend isn't as important as the dead zone that's known as the middle of January, or, as I like to call it:
The land that time forgot.

2.
"Invictus"
17 Million

People love Clint Eastwood. Like, love him enough to see him play an old racist.
They also love historical dramas and sports movies.
Come on, people. This is like mixing "Driving Miss Daisy" with "The Blind Side".
Everybody goes home happy and rich and sleepy.
Like "Princess", this film isn't about the opening numbers. It's going for the gold--oscar baby, all the way. Look for Freeman, Eastwood, and editing noms. This will play well into Feb. and have a long life on home video. Also, overseas numbers look very promising, with support from African and U.K territories.

3.
"The Blind Side"
13 Million

A few weeks ago, I predicted Bullocks Savior Porn would only clock in with a 15 million weekend. Boy was I wrong.
This steamroller is going to coast to about 200 million, and if--
if--
Bullock gets the oscar nomination, it could get to about 220.
I haven't seen this trite piece of shit, but I love Ms. Bullock. She deserves every award thrown in Hilary Swank's general direction.

4.
"2012"
9 Million

This just in: Audiences love Savior Porn move then Disaster Porn.
Does this mean that 2012 is a myth, a promise, or a rental?
Stay tuned.

5.
"A Christmas Carol"

I saw this nifty little piece of pluck about a month ago.
Fun movie. Great visuals. Carrey's funny and the film is fluid as a river.
But compared to the walking, talking, swearing/flying/dying/emoting blue people of James Cameron's "Avatar", "Carol" never stood a chance.
In five days every 3D screen in the country will be lost to "Avatar", and Disney will have a tough piece of luggage to push onto the conveyor belt.
People want to see this movie, but they also want to open their gifts on Christmas morning.
No one goes to see Christmas movies in early November; this film should have opened the week after Thanksgiving, had a huge opening, and coasted on good will until the New Year.
Now? It'll be lucky if it limps to 150 domestic.
...The Box Office is a cruel mistress. Or Mister. Or hooker.
I like the latter.

BOX OFFICE

2009-12-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

1.The Blind Side:
20.4 Million

............So, I was a few off. Still. It's the thought that counts, right?
This might get close to 200 million. Isn't that great? Bullock's biggest hit yet. (That sounds like a 70's snuff film.)
What does this mean? 3 things.
1. Oscar nomination.
It's going to happen. It has to. The 00's have been a weak decade for actress Oscars (Hilary Swank?!!?!?!? Twice?!?!?!?!) and "the people" love this movie.
2. The South Wins
By "the people" I mean the people who watch "So You Think You Can Dance" and think "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" was snubbed for a Best Picture Oscar. Expect more touching, heartwrenching, vom-inducing family football blockbusters.
3. Meryl Streep is Not Alone!
At 45, Sandra Bullock is more bankable then Julia Robbert--who gets paid a LOT more for what she doesn't do.

2. Twilight: Ass Moon
15 Million

I hate how they're calling this a saga. This isn't Star Wars. This isn't even Lady Gaga. It's some half baked virgin porn written by a Mormon Moron with bestiality issues.
This will top off at around 280 million. Mark. My. Words.

3. Brothers
9 Million

(I was dead on with this prediction.) I'm surprised this film didn't pull in more, considering that most people surely thought this was an urban drama starring Cuba Gooding Jr.

4. A Christmas Carol
7.5 Million

Disney will do ANYTHING to get this to 150 million before Avatar takes away all their 3D screens.
First born children were sold to get this film made.

5. Old Dogs
6.9 Million.

Remember "the people" I mentioned? Yeah. They LOVE this movie.

How To Survive a Post Show Hangover

2009-12-05T14:41:00.000-08:00

So, everything went great and the reviews are awesome and the audience loved you and now you wanna go get shitfaced.
Some people would say "drink responsibly" or "make sure you don't go overboard".
Fuck em.
This is your time to act like a fool and say 72 things you're going to regret in the morning and/or the rest of your life.
So go all out.
Start the night with beer bongs and end with tequilla shots.
Put gin and jack and an apple in a blender and see what happens.
Do body shots off the usher--they love it!
Now, the fall out.
I'm going to tell you how to survive the day after the best night of your life.

1.
DRINK WATER
You won't remember to do it during the night, so do it first thing in the morning.
If you want you can drink some OJ or carrot juice, but nothing works as good as water.
Well, maybe a time machine that could toss you to back to last night so you can avoid the massive whiplash and the soul-crushing-pain of the present.
But if you can't afford the technology, nothing restarts your body like H20.

2.
TAKE A SHOWER
Alternate between hot and cold water for about 10 minutes.
You'll feel freaking amazing.
I don't know who thought of this and I'm not trying to be racist but let's just call this "an irish tradition".

3.
PIG OUT
This is your excuse to devour any piece of shit you want to shove your face with. Mcdonald's is great.
Potbelly's is perfection.
The best hangover killers contain LOTS and LOTS of starch.
Eating rice with eggs is amazing (and maybe kind of healthy, I don't know, I'm not freaking Martha Stewart.)

4.
STAND UP
Don't lay down the whole day. True, sleep is an important part of the recovery process, but if you're awake you can't just lie down and feel sorry for yourself.
Why?
Well because a) it's pathetic and b) you need to TRAIN your body.
Think of hangovers as fire drills for the apocolypse.
It's going to happen whether you like it or not--but are you (wo)man enough to survive?
You're going to have to go to work in a few hours; train your body to stand up and look like you give a rats ass.

5.
SMOKE WEED
You HAVE to.
Sure, you can swallow 90 pills for your headache and mix herbel such-and-such with that stomach relaxer you got from Walgreens,
but the only thing that's going to take away the brain-squeezing pain of THE WORST HANGOVER OF YOUR LIFE is by toking a hardcore major bowl.
Weed relaxes your body.
Sure, it's not going to cure your entire hangover, but stomach pain is one of the most uncomfortable things EVER.
Take a few hits and get on with the day. Besides, if you tell everyone your hungover, they're probally just going to assume you're baked anyway, so why not take this tradgey to the next level?
Now, the most important thing to remember--more important then rice and weed and praying to God for the pain to be over--
THIS.WILL.HAPPEN.AGAIN.
And, unless you turn into a total nun, you're not going to want to drink responsiliby.
So make up for your mistakes later, and remember:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS: FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4TH

2009-12-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

1. "The Blind Side"

22 Million
Everybody is eating up this male-version-of-"Preciouis"-savior-porn-oscar-bait like it's ice cream in July.
I love Sandra Bullock.
LOVE Sandra Bullock.
But the only thing that's worse then disaster porn ("2012") is savior porn.

2. "Twilight: Ass Moon"

So this is huge. But not crossover-take-your-brother-and-Mother-and-baby-daddies-frienemy huge.
This is tween girl huge.
It'll cap out at around 280 million, which is an immense amount for a film that cost 50 million to make.
But is 280 million enough to buy back the soul of talented screenwriter Mellisa Rosenberg?
Twilight: 50 Million to make, 280 final gross.
Mellisa's Screenwriting Soul: Priceless.

3. "Brothers"

9 Million
What happens when you put Queen Amadalia, The Prince of Persia, and Spiderman in the same movie?
Millions of people wait for the rental.

4. "Old Dogs"

7.5 Million
This should already be on DVD.
And on fire.

5. "Armored"

Jesus. Really? REALLY? Laurence Fishburne, really? First CSI/NCIS/OMG/LOL and then THIS?
I think I saw this on TNT last year with bleeped out language and blurry spots over the nudity.

The National Board of Review -------OR-------- The Oscar Season Has Begun!

2009-12-03T12:48:00.000-08:00

The NBR is the first big list out.
It sets the bar. Paves the way.
It's been around since 1909. Critics, scholars, academics--these people are smart.
Now, there's a lot that hasn't been seen yet (Nine, Avatar) but the ten films they picked should be pretty freaking awesome.
However, they're known for some weird tastes and a massive case of o.p.s (old-people-syndrome.)
One of their most shocking inclusions happened two years ago, when they got drunk and picked "The Bucket List" for one of their ten spots.
The list for '09 is:

Best Film:
Up In The Air

Top Eleven Films (In alphabetical order):
An Education
(500) Days Of Summer
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Invictus
The Messenger
A Serious Man
Star Trek
Up
Up In The Air
Where The Wild Things Are

Best Director:
Clint Eastwood, Invictus

Best Actor:
Morgan Freeman, Invictus and George Clooney, Up In The Air (tie)

Best Actress:
Carey Mulligan, An Education

Best Supporting Actor:
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger

Best Supporting Actress:
Anna Kendrick, Up In The Air

Best Foreign Film:
A Prophet

Best Documentary:
The Cove

Best Animated Feature:
Up

Best Ensemble Cast:
It’s Complicated

Breakthrough Performance by an Actor:
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Breakthrough Performance by an Actress:
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious

Spotlight Award for Best Directorial Debut:
Duncan Jones, Moon, Oren Moverman,
The Messenger and Marc Webb, 500 Days of Summer (tie)

Best Original Screenplay:
Joel & Ethan Coen, A Serious Man

Best Adapted Screenplay:
Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air

Special Filmmaking Achievement Award:
Wes Anderson, The Fantastic Mr. Fox

William K. Everson Film History Award:
Jean Picker Firstenberg

NBR Freedom of Expression:
Burma Vj: Reporting From A Closed Country,
Invictus,
The Most Dangerous Man In America: Daniel Ellseberg And The Pentagon Papers

Top Ten Independent Films (In alphabetical order):
Amreeka
District 9
Goodbye Solo
Humpday
In The Loop
Julia
Me And Orson Welles
Moon
Sugar
Two Lovers

Top Six Foreign Films (In alphabetical order):
The Maid
A Prophet
Revanche
Song Of Sparrows
Three Monkeys
The White Ribbon

Top Six Documentary Films (In alphabetical order):
Burma Vj: Reporting From A Closed Country
The Cove
Crude
Food, Inc.
Good Hair
The Most Dangerous Man In America: Daniel Ellsberg And The Pentagon Papers

"Get" Glee: Episode 12, "MATRESS"

2009-12-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.................................................
One baby-mama-drama down, one to go.
In the most dramatic scene of the series twelve episodes, Will and Terri had a good old fashioned kitchen-sink fight which resulted in the WORST SUBPLOT ON FOX TELEVISION going the way of the dodo--
Gone forever, but never forgotten.
Since the pregnancy subplot is most people's only real gripe with the show, "Glee" viewers will be a lot more comfortable voicing their excitement for next week's finale. Gone are the days of Jessica Gilsig plotting like a Disney villain with her chunky-monkey sister. The un-funny pre-natal jokes.
The writers coming up with reasons for Will and his wife not touching each other?
GOODBYE, FOREVER!
In one tiny scene, "Glee" repaired it's sinking ship.
"Mattress" was all about throwing out the garbage. Finally, the strange little subplot-babies that have been growing up all season are now ready to get the hell out of the house.
...........................................
1.
"Coaches and Guidance Counselor's Make The Stupidest Decisions In The World"
Tanaka and Pilsbury's wedding is NEXT WEEK.
And not a moment too soon. Tanaka's jealousy of Sheuester is both pathetic and kinda gay. And what a MASTER manipulator. By planning the wedding on the same day as sectionals, Tanaka not only creates major drama with his fiance, but allows "Glee" to have the option of showing a heartbreaking wedding scene OR a jaw-dropping "Runaway Bride" sequence.
Thanks Tanaka!
2.
"Sue Sylvester is Fucking Insane"
I thought I was the only one who thought that Sue's lack of a master plan was coming off as VERY "Single White Female." Now that Shuester (who might be the stupidest smart guy ever) realizes that the Sue's exit strategy makes George Bush look like a genius, we're free to openly root for Sue's downfall.
Screw the D.S sister in the nursing home. Sue's just bored, and however funny calling someone "ugly and annoying" on live TV might be, it still deserves payback.
Let's hope a slushie in the face is waiting right down the hall.
3.
"Baby Mama Drama pt 2"
This is the only stopping point in next week's proposed awesomeness. Does anybody really care about Quinn and her fucking emotional issues?
She's a liar, a pervert, a cheater, a leaver, a loser. The actress that plays her is a terrible singer and dancer.
She's uncomfortable to watch and is better fit basking in the limelight of a CW primetime drama then on TV'S saddest show.
Can she just become a "Wildcat" already and dance with Zac and Vanessa?
.......................................
So, after next week "Glee" is taking the spring off.
Like, until MARCH.
As sad as that fact may be, we're left with 13 episodes.
Groundwork.
The creators told a complete story that will FINALLY be resolved at next week sectionals. There was a beginning, a middle, and as we're crossing the finish line it's time to reflect on the immense feat of storytelling that FOX (of ALL networks) attempted.
In every episode we have characters singing songs from the bottom of their hearts. 9 times out of 10, these numbers progress their characters not only to the next scene, but the next episode.
Most musicals have a hard enough time making their characters interesting for two hours; "Glee" has kept this going for over half a season.
Bravo.
THE BEST:
-Sue's Monologue.
-The entire Mattress leaping musical number.
-The showdown between the Shuesters.
-The finale, "Smile", which was possibly the saddest thing the show has done through song. Jesus, these kids are walking ads for Prozac prescriptions.

GRADE:
Musical Numbers: B
Gayness: B
Dialogue: A (Nice job, Ryan Murphy)
Toxic Insanity: A
Sub-Plot-Cleanup: A

G.P.A: 3.5

THEATER REVIEW: HOLES

2009-12-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

Reviewed by Ike Holter
......................................
There's nothing like an audience of over caffeinated kids cramped into a downtown theater on the dark side of 10am. They squeal. They spill. They scream.
These tortures usually stop a show cold, but, in the case of "Holes", the audience plays an active part in the enjoyment of the new play from Depaul Theater's Playwork's series.
Adapted from his award winning young adult, Louis Sachar creates a world where teenage delinquents serve time digging holes in the desert. Andrew Goetten plays Stanley Yelynats (yes, his first name is his last name spelled backwards)-- a sweet kid serving what could become a death sentence digging deep pits in the hot heat. Goetten is wonderful with the fish-out-of-water scenario the plays demands; he's an outcast in a sea of outcasts. Lucy Sandy (a girl!) plays Zero, Stanley's only confident in the soul sucking wasteland lorded over by the Warden (a shocking and effective Meg Elliot). Mark Thomas Boergers and Conor McChail are stellar as the Warden's henchmen; at first cute and comedic, then terrifyingly imposing.
When Stanley and Zero discover the Warden's real reason for digging massive holes in the earth, the play becomes a comedic-adventure that touches on race, class, and family history.
The play includes flashback segments that play directly into Stanley's adventures in the desert. Rashaad Hall and Katherine Cobb do great work in a shocking subplot that's THIS close to being too adult for young audiences (but aren't those always the best?)
The play opts for a "grown up" sense of style and pacing; there's no sight gags or cheap-thrills in John Jenkins direction. Instead of pandering, the play asks the young audience to step up and focus on the story at hand.
And the best part? The audience WANTS to step up. Once the play settled into it's rhythm, The audience of 300 5th graders were at the edge of their seats, watching "Holes" with the same kind of attention that's reserved for a night out at the movies.

Box Office Predictions: Friday, November 29tth

2009-11-27T12:53:00.000-08:00

1. "Twilight: Ass Moon"
40 Million

I underestimated the tween-tsunami and it's effect on the young, the (really) old, the gay and the necrophiliacs.
Now staking out the third biggest opening of all time, "Ass Moon" will continue to shine brightly this week.
"Twilight" is a lot like Harry Potter.
Except in this version Harry's a total virgin and Cedric Diggory is a horny dead guy and VAMPIRES CAN GO OUT IN THE DAYLIGHT.
2. "The Blind Side" or "Precious For Dummies"
35 million
Poor Sandra.
The biggest hit of her career is destined to be a box office footnote in the glow of the "Ass Moon."
But watch out. Old people love crap like this, and by years end it will have crossed the 140 million dollar mark. Sandra might even inch super-close to taking down the "Ass Moon".
3. "A Christmas Carol"
13 Million
NOW it's time for a holiday that's a month away.
Going to see a Christmas movie last week would have been, like, WAY too soon.
4. "Old Dogs"
12.5 Million
Don't encourage Robin Williams.
5. "Ninja Assassin"
12 Million
This seems like it came out two years ago and is already playing a bunch of times on TNT.

"Get" Glee: Ep.11 "Hairography"

2009-11-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.........................
Did you cry or vomit while watching the sign-song choir preform "Imagine"?
A little bit of both?
That's totally fine. I'm right there with you.
This week, I watched "Glee" in the (formerly haunted) bar/music venue "The Spot". On two jumbo screens, I was allowed to openly geek out with fellow (I will NOT call them "Gleeks")like-minded-homies, who drank nearly as much as I did.
And thank God I was at a bar.
Watching this episode was like being i the back of your drunk-driving Aunt's pinto as she swerves her way through Thanksgiving Day Traffic.
There were so many moments that walked the tightrope of "wonderful", only to fall into the deep pit of "vomit."
Ian Brennan, the writer who was smart enough to have a whole football team preform "Single Ladies" mid-game, gave us "Hairography"an introduction to the art of faking it.
....................
1.
Eve and the Dancing High School Strippers
30 barely-legals dancing in yellow tops with black tights to a Destiny's Child song that's over 10 years old. Rachel dubbed their performance as a simply act of "Hairography": by putting emphasis on their wild and flowing hair, they're taking your eyes off of their mawkish and half-assed high kicks.
2.
Baby-Mama-Drama
Terri continues the WORST plot line on the show by buying her husband an old car so he won't fuck her.
What is this, the 90's?
3.
Quinn and Puck vs Cheaper By The Dozen
In a sub-plot straight out of "Saved By The Bell", Terri convinces Quinn to babysit her kids so Quinn will realize the evils of pre-adolescence. Quinn decided this would be a perfect time for a performance of "Papa Don't Preach".
................
The pregnancy story-lines need to disappear.
Completely.
Let's be honest here. While sitting at The Spot, looking around the room, I realized what Glee's target audience really is.
-Gay men.
-Gay women.
-Straight women with big bank accounts.
-Straight men who are dragged along in the process.
That's it. When the show panders to this "will she give up the baby" mama-drama, the entire tone of the show shifts.
It becomes about boring adults issues, and, worse, boring STRAIGHT PEOPLE issues.
The gays don't carry if you don't want to have a baby.
In these scenes, the show seems like a Monday night CBS dramadey staring Tyne Daly.
NOBODY CAME HERE TO SEE TYNE DALY.
However, the musical numbers truly saved this episode. From the Destiny's Child opening down to the "Crazy in love"/"Hair" mash-ups, the songs kicked the scripted narrative's ass. Adam Anders, the mixer/composer, has been doing excellent work in making over-used jingles seem fresh as well as touching up old standards.
It seems that the episodes which concentrate merely on plot "Wheels" and let the numbers sit in the background have a more consistent tone then the break-out-into-insanity freak shows like "Mash-Up"; which seem to be made to merely sell itunes.
.....................
"GLEE" G.P.A.
MUSICAL NUMBERS
A
GAYNESS
C+
DIALOGUE
B
STRUCTURE
C+
GRADE:
B-

"Peter Gallagher: Don't Give Up On Me"

2009-11-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

Reviewed By Ike Holter
......................
Those eyebrows. Those eyes. That voice?
Peter Gallagher is like the male Sandra Bullock: always like able, but never entirely convincing.
Yes, Gallagher has appeared in several Broadway shows including the 90's revival of "Guys and Dolls" and "Hair". However, most people know him for his film and Television work, which spans the from high-art ("American Beauty") to high camp ("The O.C"). Anyone who can work under an Academy Award winning director and then fall straight into a syndicated tween series on Fox should surely have a lot to say about the state of theater, or film, or, I don't know, the weather.
Instead, "Don't Give Up On Me" focuses on Gallagher's obsession with actors like Jack Lemmon and Richard Burton. He uses these memories to shoe-horn in a few solos. Some transitions work exceptionally well, but even Elaine Strich might have trouble building a bridge between a monologue about Jack Lemmons car and a soaring rendition of "What's New Pussycat."

The Top 5 Ways To Pretend You're Good At Directing

2009-11-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

by Ike Holter
.............

1.
Be The First @ Rehearsal.

Imagine an overzealous actor. Early for everything; always armed with a clipboard and a notepad and just a dash of insanity.
Think Tori Spelling, or Elmo.
Now, imagine that actor rushing to the rehearsal room, high on the authority of being seated before the stage manager even makes an entrance.
Time is money and if you're quick you're rich.
It's power.
Take that power from the S.M, the lead actress, your assistant director and the janitorial staff by being the first person in that room.
Even if you're sleeping.

2.
Tell The Stage Manager EVERYTHING.
Don't be afraid to treat the S.M like the Oprah that person obviously is. They're going to be chained down to a desk next to you for the next four weeks--you might as well arrange the chairs as if you're on a talk show. Try "Conan" style or maybe do some "Ellen" thing where you dance a lot. Maybe bring a few liters of vodka to rehearsal and try some "Chelsea Lately" dishing and bitching (but hide the booze in coffee cups like they do on "Leno".)
Anyway, S.M's LOVE the drama. So, make sure you provide enough O.M.G's to keep them interested in you BUT avoid T.M.I or else they'll think you're a total creep and probably blog about you.

3.
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
Don't touch the props.
Don't touch the set.
Don't touch the lights.
Don't touch the actors.
Ever.
Once you touch something suddenly everyone thinks you know everything about anything and the next thing you know they'll be handing you gaff tape and asking you to "measure off the stage" (And what does that even MEAN?) or telling you to take so and so's measurment's and put a doohickey on what's his face and don't ever ever EVER voulenteer to do ANYYTHING in the box office.
Folding programs is a gateway drug that will lead you to photo-copying and house managing.
Director's are meant to be heard, NOT seen, SO always keep a script in your hand so you don't get handed anything.

4.
Wear Something Hot OR Dress To Depress

Actors will always be the prettiest people in the room.
Don't get mad about it.
Instead, focus all of your pre-show energy into accessorizing. The actors are busy memorizing lines and the tech's doing whatever they do: You should find some shit to wear.
Now, there's two different schools of Director Dress.
SCHOOL of BRETT RATNER
Dress like a total fucktard so that the actors know you're cool as shit and dirty and high and you only wash your clothes at Christmas.
This approach is usually a last ditch effort at "relating to the kids" and is frowned upon in Regional houses.
You can only attempt the BRETT RATNER if you're working in theater with ticket prices less then 5 dollars OR working in a theater with ticket prices over 120 dollars.
NOTHING in between.
If that doesn't work for you, try the
SCHOOL of SAM RAMI
Dress up. Always. A nice tie with a button up or just a suit-coat and a short sleeve. Maybe a hat with a feather on it. Who knows? Make yourself look pleasant because you are not the best looking person in the room.
(Most likely you're in the bottom ten percentile.)
Clothes are currency and currency is confidence.

5.
Don't Fuck Up

No, for serious.
Everyone is depending on you and there's money at stake and you don't want to be that person who makes so and so quit loving what they do and become a vet.
Don't be too serious.
Don't make dick jokes.
Don't quote someone unless it's the playwright.
And, most important--
Don't yell.
(It's just tacky.)
However, chair throwing and wall punching are totally acceptable and are in fact appropriate.
But, once you smash your fist through the wall or chuck the folding chair, there's really nowhere else to go but yelling and YOU DON'T WANT TO YELL.
So stick to punching and chucking things, don't fuck the actors, be on time and dress like a total hottie and you'll be the best director of all time (adjusted.)

Box Office Predictions: Thursday, Nov. 19th

2009-11-19T11:45:00.000-08:00

By Ike Holter
...........
Is this really the most anticipated film of the year?
We'll see. After reports of "Twilight: New Moon" breaking pre-sale records on Fandango and MovieTickets, this teen-vampire-mormon-maudlin-meltdown-mega-picture will open bigger then the highly anticipated "Watchmen" and "Wolverine".
I can't wait to look back at this in 2019 and laugh.
Then cry.

1. "Twilight: New Moon"
105 Million
The first installment pulled in 69 million over three days. People were shocked. Jaws down to the floor.
Sequels usually squander their new audience--made up of people who saw it on video, on an airplane--in the midnight showing/opening day bracket. The midnight shows are sold out and tomorrow will be huge.
2. "2012"
28 Million
They came. They saw. They shrugged.
2012 is playing like the biggest summer film November has ever seen. Expect a sizable summer drop below 30 million. It'll make one last Hail Mary marketing push through thanksgiving weekend, then make the slow slide to DVD in February.
3. "A Christmas Carol"
14 million
Something about the month of November and Jim Carrey kid films.
4. "The Blind Side"
12 Million
I'm shocked that most people aren't disgusted by the white-woman-saves-big-black-man-but-it's-OK-because-it's-a-true-story shit-storm Sandra Bullocks' been cooking up.
But people are coming. FOR TIM MCGRAW.
Listening to a McGraw fan explain their fascination for soapy procedurals like this is worse then hearing remarks made by the people in line for Sarah Palin's book tour.
Youtube it.
5. "Precious"
12 Million
It's gonna break out even bigger this weekend.
I stand by my "50 million by Christmas" prediction.
Oprah and Tyler are totally having a party.
*
Now let's check back on Sunday to see if I'm right on the nose or totally off my rocker. Or a little bit of both. (Everyday another holler.)

"Young Frankenstien"

2009-11-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

@ The Cadillac Theater:
Reviewed by Ike Holter
.........................

Mel Brooks new musical comes with a litmus test.
Frankenstein and his Monster preform "Puttin' on the ritz" with top-hats and snap canes. After about two minutes they're joined by three supporting players: the girl, the sidekick, and the comic relief. THEN--the entire twenty-two person chorus.
The song goes on. For five minutes. With strobe lights. And costume changes. And kick-lines and leaping and pratfalls and it's all too much for most sane people.
"Puttin' on the ritz" is probably the only part of Mel Brooks original film that worked in musical form. Now, it's one of the worst numbers in a show weighed down with overload.
Roger Bart reprises his role of Dr. Frankenstein from the Broadway version of Mel Brooks original film based on the original story by Mary Shelly. (Wow. Headache.) Bart's energy is infectious; the entire supporting cast is at their best when they're keeping up with Bart's rat-tat-tat rhythm. After a supporting turn in "The Producers", Bart knows how to sell Brook's Sid Caesar style of speech.
While the cast is perfectly acceptable, the musical numbers are flatter then Frankenstein's feet and twice as clunky. Numbers come and go as they please with no real help to the plot.
Fans of the film will smile during the first act's nods to the original source material, but the slavish second act's reenactments of the classic film grind this monstrosity to a halt.
Once again: When the entire cast begins an over-choreographed dance break-down to "Puttin' on the ritz", you're either in for the long haul or you're out of the theater quicker then the first audience of "Springtime for Hitler."

"Get" Glee: Ep.10-"Ballad"

2009-11-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.....................

Has anybody ever sung to a sonogram? Historically. Like ever. Like ever in the history of ever. Does it happen?
Well, call the Guinness Book of World Records because last night at 8pm some football jock laid on his bed in Ohio and sang a Pretenders song to the sonogram of his unborn child.
And I was fine with it.
More then fine. I think I might have been moved. Or nauseous. Maybe both, and that's not a bad thing.
Screw the Winter Olympics. The best tightrope walking on TV happens on "Glee". Every week they give the audience a jaw dropping obstacle.
Can a kid in a wheelchair sing "Proud Mary" and make it work? Can we have a mentally handicapped cheerleader be credible? Can a grown man impersonating a 17 year old honestly sing "I'll Stand By You" to a picture of a baby that's not even his?
Gold.
.......................
"Ballad", written by series co-creator Brad Falchuk, centers around the notion of song as story.
1. Stalker-Students
Shuester told the Glee kids to partner up and preform a ballad.
He also made the mistake of giving a white girl some Diana Ross song. (Nothing good can ever come of that. EVER.) Rachel become a star-drunk-stalker-4-Shuester, going so far as to clean his house and cook him dinner. With the help of a former tormented teen (Sarah Drew in totally nutso pajamas's mode), Rachel realizes she can't continue her feelings for her teacher and decides to cut the cord.
Thank God, because I dread the thought of a sweeps-week-special where Rachel decides to do a scene from David Mamet's "Oleana."
2. Baby-Mama-Faja-Drama
Selfish-ice-queen-ex-cheerleader-total-bitchface Quinn finally introduces the "Father" of her child to her parents. To psyche himself up for this, Finn decides to use his "most powerful instrument": His voice.
(I'd say actor Cory Moneith's most powerful instrument would have to be his charisma, but hey, this is a fantasy series, right?)
He tells Quinn's parents (through a Paul Anka song, of course) that he'sthe Father of Quinn's surprise pregnancy.
Gasp!
Shock!
Awe-hell-no!
Quinn get's tossed out of her house quicker then a toaster-strudel-slut. At the end of the episode, she moves into Finn's home and hopefully stops being sung an angsty little migraine.
...................
Now back to the singing sonogram.
"Ballad" succeeds because it follows the strict rules of an actual story-song. It tells a small story. It commits to it's utter cheesiness. It rocks by it's own rules.
The sonogram-scene can't be played for comedy. Or pathos. Or depth, or intelligence--it is what it is.
Cory Moneith's voice is terrible, but his conviction to the moment is monumental. He believes everything he's singing, he's committed to this insane world, and he doesn't wink at the camera.
Anyone who's seen "Gypsy" probably flashed back to Gypsy Rose Lee singing "Little Lamb" to her cardboard-cut-out animal.
Critics have called this the worst song in the show, but I'm always fascinated watching the actor who has to commit to this scene. It's a "book" moment. We're forced to watch a character at their most vulnerable because the story wants us to take note: this person bruises easily. Look closer.
......
MIDTERMS:
STORY:
A
GAYNESS:
B-
SONGS:
B+
DRAMA-RAMA:
B+
G.P.A:
3.33=B+

Bad Liteutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

2009-11-18T10:04:00.001-08:00

Reviewed by Ike Holter
........................
I don't believe in Nic Cage.
He's a centaur. Some mythical beast who could rear up on his hind legs and massacre a whole town in the middle of the night.
He terrifies me.
Watching "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans" was like returning to the scene of some traumatizing childhood nightmare. Based on a 1992 feature staring Harvey Keitel, "New Orleans" attempts to be deep, shallow, sexy, repulsive; violent, slutty, and obnoxious.
In the film's opening, we're introduced to Cage and Val Kilmer(?!?!): two burly, brash bad-boys patrolling the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. When Cage jumps into a flooded prison to rescue a drowning inmate, he permanently screws up his back, leading him down the "American Beauty" road of popping pills and doing various amounts of illegal substances.
Watch Nic Cage hallucinate! Watch Nic Cage solve crime! Watch Nic Cage assault two old women in a nursing home! (Actually, that scene is wonderful.)Famed director Werner Herzog lenses the film like a two-bit after hours noir flick on Skinemax but, with all this B-movie drama, "Orleans" can't quite muster the might to look into the mirror and find out what kind of film it truly is. It's not an action film, a drama, or a comedy. It's a performance piece for Cage; a fairy tale about bad men getting away with bad things.
If that's up your alley then step right on up to see the twisted tale of Mr. Cage.
I'll be hiding under my bed.

Box Office Results: Nov.15th

2009-11-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

1. 2012
65 Million
-Well, I shot for 61 and I was right on the money.
Everybody loves disaster porn. It's like real porn, except in real porn you don't get John Cusack (with clothes on.)
This film cost 200 million. 200 million. (Remember when that was like a big deal? Like, most expensive movie ever made "big deal"?)
This will play out through Thanksgiving, but will get a major drop next week when "Twilight: Ass Moon" debuts in theaters.
I predict a final total in the 170-185 million dollar range.
Worldwide, it's huge; over 220 million dollars and counting.
2. A Christmas Carol
22 Million
A slim 25 percent drop. That's nothing. Next week, look for a total in the 15 million range, then, the week after that, it'll have a nice Thanksgiving bounce to about 20 million. "It's the most wonderful time--"
3. The Men Who Stare @ Goats
At a cost of 30 million, TMWS@G is on it's way to a domestic probability most other mediocre comedies can only dream of.
4. Precious
6 Million
In only two weeks, this Oprah/Tyler Perry produced "Slumdog" in the making (I HATE saying that) is going to pass it's 10 million dollar budget by about Thursday. Next week? More expansion. More per screen average then the number one film. Big numbers, long play; and we've only just entered the start of Oscar Season. "It's the most wonderful time--"
5. "This it it"
5 Million
Michael got his ass handed to him by an Obese black chick who steals fried chicken. (No, she does. See the movie.)
"This is it" is doing huge numbers domestically (it's already the biggest concert film of all time, beating--gasp--Hannah Montana!) But internationally it's gigantic.
This film will get to about 310 million worldwide and find a long and healthy life on DVD, especially with a release on--wait for it--CHRISTMAS WEEKEND!
"It's the most wonderful time--of the year!"

Theater Review: "A Very Merry (Unauthorized) Children's Scientology Pagent"

2009-11-14T14:49:00.001-08:00

Reviewed by Ike Holter
......................
While some will surely wish they would have seen Scrooge, a savvy audience will embrace the creepy spectacle now playing at A Red Orchid Theater.
Preformed by the Youth Ensemble at Red Orchid (using much of the same cast as last year's VERY MERRY show), Kyle Jarrow's super-swift hour and ten minute satire tells the story of a young L Ron Hubbard (you'll find out what the L means later.)
The future founder of the Scientology religion embarks on a quest that is equal parts Wizard of Oz, Star Wars, Jesus and Superman.
Using catchy numbers like "Science Of The Mind", Jarrow puts an "Avenue Q" spin on Hubbard's quest for worldwide acceptance. When L Ron is finally brought to the stand by a bloodthirsty IRS agent, his teachings are put to the test as a group of devoted followers takes the stand, pleading for his innocence (not to mention, like, total brilliance.)
There's a few jokes that cross the line, but Very Merry is more interested in the child-like optimism of Hubbard's teachings then "SNL" style attacks. Director Steve Wilson has a steady hand that never slips into spoof.
That being said, there are aliens.
And a slow motion war, a dancing brain, Kriste Allen and Tom Cruise.
Needless to say, this is not your Father's scientology pageant.

Box Office Predictions-Nov., Friday the 13th

2009-11-13T14:33:00.000-08:00

Simple predictions. If I'm wrong, you can shoot/sue/stalk me.
1. 2012
60 Million
-People love disaster porn more then they love popcorn.
Ronald Emmerich's long (like, two and a half hours long) disaster epic/sure to be shit storm was pushed back from it's original July opening into the wild open ranges of November.
Moving a summer blockbuster to a lonely Friday in Thanksgiving season was a great switch--who doesn't want to see John Cusack escape molten lava the week before "Twilight: Ass Moon"?
2. Christmas Carol
21 million
-Another slow burn. This is going to keep making money until December 25th. Yes, it's weird to release a Christmas movie before thanksgiving (like releasing Rob Zombie's "Halloween" in August...) but unlike the slasher-stinker, this pic is actually good. It'll drop a little more next week, but look for a big boost Thanksgiving weekend.
My guess? It'll top off at around 140-150 million.
But with "Avatar" stealing ALL of the 3D screens on December 18th (No, really. ALL of them) it's going to take a lot of marketing push to get people to see this in simple 2D format.
3.
The Men Who Stare @ Goats
8 Million
-People are actually seeing this movie.
Instead of waiting two months to rent it.
.....
4.
The Fourth Kind
6.5 Million
Teeheehee it's in fourth place lol how apt I mean not original I mean it already made back it's budget so who gives a flying fuck.
5.
Preciouis
6 Million
This is gonna be huge. Called it. It's playing in less then 200 theaters and it's already kicking major hardcore ass. My guess is it keeps playing in limited release for another month, then, in the thick of December awards season, goes ultra-wide and bags about 50 million before the years over.
....

"Get" GLEE: Episode 8. "Wheels"

2009-11-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

Reviewed by Ike Holter
***********************
How seriously should we take this show?
Asian girl with a fake stutter. Cheerleader cheating off a girl with down syndrome. Girl with down syndrome being screamed at by cheer-leading coach. Pot cupcakes. Baby-daddy-mama-drama, gay boys breaking their own balls to belt "Defying Gravity", and a 12 person wheelchair propelled number to "Proud Mary".
I think this is the most serious show on TV.
Once you peel past the immaculately cut and prerecorded musical numbers, what's left?
Plenty.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Glee is a sad show about funny people.
For all the talk about this being "the happiest hour on TV" (Entertainment Weekly), what happened in last night's episode was infinitely darker and more daring then the number one rated new drama, CBS's "The Good Wife".
Now, since Glee seems to like the after-school-special-gone-wild approach, let's break down each preposterous plot beat--step by step.
************
1.
Gay Kid wants to sing "Wicked":
Try, fail, fall.
Now, there's no doubt that Lea Michelle was born to sing the cloying and overblown act one finale from Wicked. But Kurt's struggle to sync that mile-high F note was admirable--and then, in the next scene, terrifying.
Kurt's botched note was done on purpose. He couldn't deal with his Father receiving more gay-bashing calls at his uber-butch Car Clinic, so, Kurt threw the audition in the ingenue's favor.
What gay boy doesn't want to stand in front of his school and (figuratively) nail Idina Menzel?
2.
Asian Girl has a FAKE stutter:
Oh-no-she-didn't.
See, I didn't buy A.G's stammering. Not for a second. It seemed so shoddy, so forced; it had to either be fake or one of the worst attempts at the easiest speech affliction in the United States.
The whole episode was leading up to Artie getting to use his "working penis". The longing looks.
The giggles.
The Glee. (Yes, I went there.)
Just when you start to think this is a show nearsighted enough to hook-up the two characters with "disorders", Glee flips the switch.
Turns out A.G was pulling a Kaiser Soze and is a manipulating bitch who needs to get her shit together.
Who pretends to have a stutter?!
.....I mean, really?!? Drama.
3.
Sue has a mentally handicapped Sister who she visits and reads "Little Red Riding Hood" to.
.....Um. I think that says enough.
******

Now, we all know that the actors playing Artie and A.G aren't REALLY disabled; watch an episode of TMZ or Acess Hollywood and you'll see the Glee kids standing and speaking in long sentences with nary a stammer or a stop.
You can laugh. It's not "real."
But as soon as the Girl with Down Syndrome hit the scene, I started to feel queasy.
THIS is real. Like. Really-real.
How does a show that delights in spotlighting people's disabilities even THINK to put someone on the screen who actually suffers from something serious?
Lauren Potter is the actresses name, and I thought she did amazing work. Her character was treated with class and dignity.
We walked that tight-rope for a while, however--watching Sue Sylvester scream at a mentally handicapped girl is, let's be honest, heart-breaking--but seeing Sylvester's mentally handicapped sister in the hospital bed put the cap on any kind of bullying.
Introducing characters with D.S is always incredibly tricky. You don't want to put halo's around their heads, but if you beat them into the ground you become the devil.
Glee took the high road.
The shaky, narrow, maybe-a-little-un-PC high road.
This episode was written by Ryan Muphy, my least favorite writer on the show. Now, there were moments that crossed completely over the line (The football dude yelling "This is for YOU, Artie" was vom inducing) but on the whole I thought this was a pretty stellar outing.
****
MIDTERMS:
MUSICAL NUMBERS:
B
WRITING:
A-
DRAMA-RAMA
A+
GAYNESS:
A-
G.P.A
A-

"YEAST NATION"

2009-11-06T13:51:00.000-08:00

@ ATC
Reviewed by Ike Holter

The first fifteen minutes of Yeast Nation play like the poor man’s Urinetown.
These pages would be grounds for plagiarism if they weren’t penned by Urinetown's very own authors, Marc Hollmann and Greg Koitis.
Shock!
By sticking to the same format that struck Broadway gold in 2002, Kotis and Hollmann take very few risks. Boy meets Girl. Girl inspires Boy. Boy leaves girl. Girl hitches up with Dude. Boy comes back. Musical comedy dramarama.
Maybe it's unfair to compare Yeast Nation's paper thin plot to Urinetown's equally skinny storyline. But when the writers cut and paste so much structure from their previous blockbuster, it's very difficult not to draw lines between Urinetown's plucky revolutionaries to Yeast Nation's green-trash-bag wearing ruffians. Yes, trash bags.
Green ones.
These prancing particles not only sing and dance but are forced to high kick in costumes that seem to be borrowed from Mugatu’s Derelict clothing line.
Director PJ Papeareli adds a high profile polish to the pedestrian first act, and it’s nearly enough to add meaning to a show that sorely needs it.
It’s only in Act 2 that the show evolves into an entity of it’s own. The numbers become sexier, the jokes play bigger.
It’s not enough to erase the cut-and-paste sensation that stood in as a first act, but any musical that ends with mass murder, a fight scene and a 70’s influenced disco number is a show that should be seen.

“Improviser! A Musical Sketch Comedy Revue

2009-11-06T12:36:00.000-08:00

Now Playing @ I.O

Reviewed by Ike Holter

There are few events more terrifying then being trapped in a room full of off-duty improvisers. I.O’s “Improviser! A Musical Sketch Comedy Revue” recreates this hair raising event with the proper mix of humor and humiliation the situation deserves. With numbers like “Come See My Show” and “Sassy Black Girl”, the talented and tuneful cast pulls back the curtain on the Chicago Improv scene with razor sharp precession.

Kicking off with “Backline”, the Chorus Line esque (and masterfully mawkish) go-for-broke-dance number, Improviser takes us into the dark hearts of a group of moonlighting improv artists. They work crappy jobs, they sacrifice relationships for fleeting flights of fame; they fly, they fail, they fall. But just when this revue veers too far into the “laugh at the losers” bully-porn genre, the so-sad-it’s-true showstopper “Old Man Improv” shines a harsh light on the crisis behind the comedian.

For the (blessed) few audience members who haven’t been forced into hearing a rag-tag group of roustabouts recall that “classic sketch” from comedy class, Improviser acts as a teaching tool; spelling out the rules of tolerating Show People.

Get "Glee"

2009-11-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

Episode 7, "Mash-Up"
Reviewed by Ike Holter aka Dot the I aka Black Blader
........................

Every great musical needs to stab you in the no-no place within the first ten minutes.
Some use an "I want" number. Some set the world, set-piece by set-piece. Others use high-kicking dance lines, explosions, deaths, nudity.
One uses creepy cats.
Really creepy cats.
"Glee", (which has finally crossed over the sanity line, congratulations) manages to present annoying, endlessly covered jingles in a way that puts the characters wants and needs into (over)produced declaration:
"Look at me--I'm sad and totally awkward, but really kind of awesome."
Last night's episode opened with Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrision) showcasing the freshest white-boy-crunk this side of Justin Timberlake. Schuester laid out the episodes plot:
The Glee kids have to find a mash-up to mix with the horrible 90's classic "Bust A Move."
Before we have time to ask normal, sane-person questions like "Why this song?" or "Isn't pop-hop dead?" or "This is kinda maybe sorta gay, right?" Schuester is off; shaking his ass, flipping his shit--he's a punch-drunk-pop-hop-punk and he doesn't care who knows it.
It's not even ten minutes into the episode.
Either you're with us or you're watching "The Ghost Whisperer."
.............
Thankfully, nothing ever came of the musical mash-up.
(I can imagine it would have included Rachel's sure to be belty mix of "Bust a Move" and "Defying Gravity" . Think about the itunes downloads.)
The real mash-ups in the episode were presented in three ways:

1. Football Vs Glee.
Coach Tanaka did the 80's thing and forced his rough-and-tumble pig-skin slayers to choose between the homoerotic shower room scenes of F'uball over the super straight Streisand singing of the Gleeks.
Who-will-win?!
2. Music Teacher Vs Horny Guidance Counselor.
Schue and Emma Pillsbury begin to deal with their sexual attraction in a sophisticated and adult fashion: By singing "The thong song" and "I could have danced all night" while fighting inner sexual urges under the watchful eye of Tanaka. Very Grown-up.
3. Puck and Rachel vs "Schlinders List:
Can these two jews get jiggy with it?

None of these mash-ups worked out.
Glee kicked footballs ass, "Thong Song" and "Danced all night" parted ways, and "Schlinders List" always wins.
Such is life.
.................
"Glee" knocks it out of the park when the show goes for the creeping sadness beneath the Journey covers and Jill Scott mixes.
It's a sad show about people trying to be happy.
Even Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch, EMMY) failed at her own mash-up of swing dance and in-office-dating. (I could have told her that in-office-dating ONLY works with salsa dancing or tap-dancing; never Swing dancing, silly Sue.)
Seeing Sylvester finally kiss failures waiting lips was funny--Jane Lynch in a Zoot Suit always is--but this time the drama outweighed the shtick.
Her retaliation: kicking Cheerleader-dead-face-mediocre-singing-voice-but-kind-of-pretty-preggers-girl off the team.
Sue did what no other characters could do on last nights episode. Instead of offering ultimatums or creeping away to The Loser Corner with the rest of the freaks, she stepped up and pushed her problems on someone else.
While all the other characters seem to repeat the fly, fight, fail process, Sue seems to be the only one who can grab victory out of vicious defeat.
She and Hilary Clinton could have a book club.
.................
This episode is a dead tie with "The Rhodes Not Taken", Kristen Chennowith's (emmy) episode. I love when "Glee" uses it's musical numbers for good (Chennowith singing Cabaret, Jessica Mays killing "I could have danced all night") and not for evil (last weeks abysmal "Set me Free").
While none of tonight's numbers hit the heights of "Somebody to Love", this episodes plot, dialogue and character building were superb.
(Tonight script was credited to Ian Brennan, who's a much better writer then Ryan Murphy.)
Here's the score-card:

MUSICAL NUMBERS:
B+ (That plus comes solely from Matthew Morrison and his ass, which has a mind of it's own.)

DIALOGUE
A- (Jane Lynch's cat monologue was stupendous and horrifying.)

QUEER FACTOR
C+ (That's not a bad thing. We just didn't get any footballers dancing to "Single Ladies.)

G.PA:
B

What say you? Hollerback!

Early Oscar Picks 09

2009-11-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

Best Picture:

Up In The Air
Precious
Avatar
District 9
Inglouriouis Basterds
A Single Man
The Lovely Bones
The Hurt Locker
Up
9

Best Director:

Kathryn B (Hurt Locker)
Q.T (Basterds)
Cameron (Avatar)
P.Jackson (The Lovely Bones)
Marshall (9)

BEST ACTRESS

Abbie Cornish (bright star)
Gabby Sidibe (Preciouis)
Carey Mulligian (An Education)
Annete Benning (Mother and Child)
Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Julianne Moore (A single Man)
Penelope cruz (9)
Monique (Preciouis)
Melanie Laurent(Basterds)
Annie Kendrick (Up in the air)

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christoph Waltz (Basterds)
Peter Sarasgard (An Education)
Anthony Mackie (Hurt Locker)
Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones)
Christian McKay (Me and Orson Wells)

BEST ACTOR

George Clooeny (Up in the air)
Viggo Mortenson (The road)
Daniel Day Lewis (9)
Paul Bettany (Creation)
Colin Firth (A single man)

SCREENPLAY

Up
Inglouriouis Basterds
District 9
A serious man
The hurt locker

ADAPTED

Push
Nine
Up in the air
An Education
A single man

VISUAL EFFECTS

District 9
Transformers 2
Avatar

ANIMATED FILM

Up
Fantastic mr fox
cloudy with a chance of meatballs

Leave Kanye ALONE! or The Gay Fish Was Right

2009-11-05T14:19:00.000-08:00

Let's put it out in the open.
Kanye's got ego. Attitude. He's over-emotional, he's complicated; compensating for something, angry, bitter, blitzed.
He's a gay fish.
Happy?
Great. Now that the pettiness of his pursuit for the limelight is in full focus we can all forget about the fact that the men redefined pop music, took several public stands against hip-hop-homophobia, and was the first public figure to point the broken arrow of judgement to George Bush's crossed arms once the levees broke.
But that's not important, right?
What's important--yes, Jesus, I almost forgot--
The important thing is that he ran up on stage, said a one sentence opinion, and crushed the dreams of a 19 year old.
.....
Who gives a red-hot-shit?
Every decade has famous, brilliant people who just happen to be nutso pajamas.
Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Maddonna, Prince, Tupac; these-are-people-who-would-not-friend-you-on-Facebook.
They are ego-driven, angry, not very nice people.
It is not Kanye's job to sit back as some interchangeable chunk of B-grade Americana takes an award she stole under the nose of an icon.
It is Kanye's job to take the stage and say what everybody else was thinking-
now,
not to say that his outburst was politcally correct--
It was rude ad juvenille and selfish.
But he was telling the truth.
..........................................................
The sad thing is? Everybody knows it.
Beyonce's "Single Ladies" music video is already a pop-culture-pinpoint of the years 2008-2009.
It's a catch-phrase.
A flash mob preformed the dance to record numbers.
The president of the United States can do the "Robot Hand."
It's here to stay in a way few songs catch on.
The video itself; a swift (seemingly) single shot is a masterwork of choreography, camera placement and percision.
It's hot.
Now, Ms Swift's video: "You Belong With Me."
Coke bottle glasses. Jumping on a bed. Teenage angst.
The song is literally about a girl at peace with her invisibility; she doesn't stand out in a crowd, "She wears short shirts I wear T-shirts"; she's a doormat.
She likes a boy. He likes a slut.
So what does Taylor do? Ms.Swift puts on a prom dress and gets the man by becoming something that's less then a shadow; she slips into a sliver.
The editing, the pace, the shot-set-up and the imagrey is typical mid 90's VH1.
If the sound was off, the 4 minute short could be easily confused as a scene from TV's "Gossip Girl" or a Clearisil Ultra commercial.
.......................................
"Beyonce had one of the best videos of all Time."
Debatable.
But one of the best of the decade? Sure. One of the best of the year? Fact.
This doesn't make the stunt on Sunday any less painful for Ms.Swift.
This also doesn't make Kanye a villain.
The man is obsessed with perfection. He does not understand mediocrity.
We shouldn't either. Instead of rushing to the side of another guitar playing, lite-rocking, carbon-copy-cookie-cutter-snap-crackle-pop-Shania Twain, we should be wondering how on God's Green Earth a masterwork was mistaken for a misfit next to the likes of a video Spike Jonze wouldn't wipe his ass with.
In 2007, West gave his BET award to Big Boi of Outkast because he felt an injustice had been done.
He spoke out.
In 2009, Kanye took the stage and stuck up for what he thought was the right thing to do.
He didn't murder your dog.
He didn't poison the town's water supply.
He was simply sticking up for what he thought was a massive missconception; holding a Prada magazine up to the Emperor's New Clothes and saying "I mean it's cute--But look at what you're MISSING."

.....Just telling it like it is.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.15: Season Finale!

2009-11-05T14:18:00.001-08:00

PREVIOUSLY ON LOST:

So The Oceanic Six and The Island Six intermixed and got jiggy with it while being separated by a space time riff that made Juliet and Sawyer hit it, Jack and Kate get dramatic, and Hurley to still stay the size of the Titanic ANYWAY Locke's not dead anymore now he's back on the island killing boar leading the others to the statue to slay (whatever, check back to season four) ANYWAY Sun's all like "where my Jin at" and Ben's all like "I want DESTINY back" and Guyliners like "Run and TELL dat" and they're all off to find Jacob and everybody's got sandy caked-on-makeup and the season's ending just as shit get's bumfuck (what's bumfuck?) screw this noise I'M LOST!

TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Was anybody else staring at their TV after the "LOST" screen went white going
"W.T.F?!?!!?!"
Gun fights. Knifing. People falling from buildings. Catty one liners. Subs. AND--bitches getting run over by cars.
I don't know about y'all, but anytime some bitch gets suddenly run over by a car, I instantly update my grade to an "A."
Not that this episode needed any assistance--Lost ALWAYS pulls off a kick ass finale.
From the moment Jacob and whoever that fucker was (Let's call him, um, THE DEVIL) sat on that sandy beach and watched THE BLACK ROCK sail in, I was hooked.
And what is UP with the devil, anyway?

WHAT'S UP WITH SATAN:
Why he all about the drama?
See, I think this devil dude is the "course correction" thing on the island. He's the smoke monster. He's Ben's daughter. He's every creepy, sneaky, nasty force on the island.
If Jacob is God (and, basically, he is) then this dark-blue-denim-dude is most DEF the Devil himself.
He be working in mysterious ways, too.
Since he can't directly kill Jacob, he's gotta find some OTHER way to do it.
So he up and grabs Judas (Ben), dresses himself up like his dead daughter, and tells him to do whatever Locke says, knowing FULL WELL that HE IS LOCKE!
This dark-blue-denim-dude is ALL about the mischief. Using Locke as a "loophole" makes total sense--but why are there two Locke's?
Like--how CAN there be two Locke's?
I get the idea of a big bad taking over the appearances of the dead ("The First Evil" did it in Season 7 of Buffy; great great great show)--but I ain't never heard of no BigBad duplicating people. Isn't that just...wasteful?
And....complicated?
Hmmm........

TOUCHED BY A JACOB:
So, Jacob apparently had to touch all of the Oceanic Six to get them to the island. We saw Sayid, Jack, Hurley, Sun, Jin, and Kate all get molested by this ageless hottiemchothot.
Did his touch influence or protect them?
Things to think.
Now, as much as dark-blue-denim-dude is all about the mischief, Jacob seems to be all about the drama.
In that first scene (which I recommend re-watching at least once) Devil dude is all like "this will keep happening, no matter what people you choose"
and Jacob is all like "Maybe not this time".
Jacob is trying to change some fundamental flaw with the island. He's trying to get a certain crew of people to...fix something.
What is it?

HATE-KATE-SECTION
Ok what was with Kate being all heroic and shit?
I hated that shot of her, Sawyer and Juliet standing all Mod Squad in front of Jack's back-to-the-future VW.
Who she thinks she is?
A COCKTEASE, that's what she is.
I hate the way the characters made all their decisions--these huge, monumental, world-changing-choices--based on "love."
Jack wanted to turn back time so he could have another chance with Kate.
Juliet wanted to help Jack because she wanted to forget Sawyer.
PLEASE.
I don't know about y'all, but I watch LOST for the drama, the action, the mythology, and the mindfuck. I don't watch it to see Kate and Jack shoot "come fuck me before it's too late" looks RIGHT in the middle of my season finale.
Everyone?
Just get it out now.
You KNOW you wanted to see Kate die instead of Juliet.
Seeing her nappy hair swaying to the shocks of the electromagnum might even have pulled a tear from my cold-iron-eyes--but no.
We had to see the BEST FEMALE CHARACTER on the show sacrifice herself--
as nappy-headed-crispity-crunchity-peanuty-buttery-Kate stands, looking constipated and underfed.
This is the last HATE-KATE entry of the year--
I HATE YOU KATE!
...Anyway.

LOCKE vs LOCKE
It's going to be fascinating watching the entire season again (which I'm, like, totally gonna do, maybe twice) and try to figure out when Locke stops being Locke and starts being dark-blue-devil-denim-dude. ....See, it's weird, because d.b.d.d.d has all of Locke's memories--he remembers dying, he remembers the hatch, he remembers EVERYTHING--but he's not Locke.
W.t.f, guts. W.t.f.

ROSE AND BERNARD
Fuck. Yes.
Y'all know you wanted it.
Seeing dreadlocked Bernard and still-sassy Rose step out of the jungle underbrush was an emotional high point of the finale--FINALLY, two normal, hard working people who just want to be left the fuck alone.
No time travel.
No smoke monster.
No other-other-others; NOTHING, just each other.
I also love how they deliberatively avoided rescue.
Who needs Dharma-Drama-Camp when you can fuck all day and drink free leftover beer?
I hope we see these two again, hopefully standing over Kate's burnt body with a freshly lit lighter and a satisfied smile.
(EDIT: I'm still recovering from my Juliet and Daniel Faraday deaths. Excuse my bitterness; I only wish Kate a third of the actual death and carnage that I type.)

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
So. Most of our questions were adressed--and then they threw us 80 more.
We know what lies in the shadow of the statue (the translation of Richard's Latin is "the one who will save us all.") but we don't know WHY that info is so important.
We know that dead people lie.
But we don't know why.
We know that the bomb goes off instead of the incident--but we have NO FUCKING CLUE what happened after that.
Maybe Miles was right. Maybe these characters are just on a loop--over and over again, trying to change the past, the present, the future--but it's out of their hands.
Maybe destiny is destiny no matter how it's dealt.
....Or maybe Jacob is seeking to change that. By touching each of the O6, he gave them a bit more free will--he gave them a choice.
Next season, we'll see the effects of that.
Guys, I love reading your comments. I'm sad this is the last LOST of the year--and I'm bummed that we can't keep fucking f-booking about this drama.
Same time, next year?
Final 16 episodes start....in eight months.
Till then there's Weeds, True Blood, Mad Men, and a bunch of other summer shows to look out for.
(I also recommend starting "BattleStar Galatica". If the last season of LOST can end like that, the show will be perfection.)
Until next time--NAMASTE, MOTHERFUCKAS!

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.12-14

2009-11-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

PREVIOUSLY on "LOST"-

So the islands all like "I'll put a spell on you" and our castaways are spread out in two different time periods (Hot people=1977, ugly people=2007) and everybody's going all vision questy trying to find their fathers or talk to dead people or make star wars sequels ("Lost", it GOES there) ANYWAY shit gets bonkers when hottie-mc-hothot Daniel Faraday comes back to the island on a sub and goes all RipVanWinkle on these motherfuckers and is all like "Who says I can't change the past y'all don't know me I'ma crazy mofo from the wrong side of the island, BRING IT!" and then shit gets broughten when he stumbles into the camp of the Hostile Other-Other-Other's-Others and gets shot by his Mother (Oh, Brother) anyway Locke's alive and wants to kill Jacob, Jack's jumping into subterranean holes in the ground (And I'm not talking about Kate's loose vag) and Hurley STILL doesn't know who was president in 1977 (it was Jimmy Carter...Right...Right?!) oh who cares fuck this noise I'm LOST.
...........
TELLING IT LIKE IT IS:
Wow. When "Lost" takes a break, "Lost" takes a BREAK.
I didn't recap the last few episodes because I think they would all flow better on DVD. Honestly. There's not much I can pick apart from Ben seeing his dead daughter or Hurley and Miles chomping scenery while waiting for the end credits to come I MEAN waiting for something...to...happen.
The "Lost" Lull totally busted apart last week--Daniel Faraday (formerly my favorite character/constant/fan-fiction-fodder) bought-the-farm.
It turns out his "whatever happened, happened" speech from a few weeks ago was total bullshit.
....Or was it?
If we're to believe that the past CAN change, then Daniel's theory is wrong.
But, if his quote still stands, then that means his Mother--The whitehairedharrypotterwitchbitch (come on now I TOLD y'all they were related)--KNEW that she would, one day, shoot her son.
THAT means she sent Faraday back to the Island to die.
That's cold, yo.

THE HATEFUL WOMEN OF "LOST"
Speaking of whitehariedharrypotterwitchbitch, what is her fucking DEAL?!
FIRST she lets that sleazy-steamy-pile-of-cheesy-d-bag Widmore knock her up,
THEN she makes her son stop playing the piano to focus on science (Come on, piano players get all the red-headed-nose-bleeding-chicks)
AND THEN she has the NERVE to dress like she's about to teach a make-up session of Herbology.
Get your priorities straight, woman.
(EDIT: Sorry. I am still reeling from the death of my beloved Faraday. I was already supposed to be past the 7 stages of death, but I think I'm on the eighth, which is callous, unadulterated bitchiness.)
....Anyway.
SPEAKING of people who fuck up everything they touch, what's up with Kate?
Christ. Can this woman do ANYTHING right?

KATE'S LIST OF HUGE THINGS TO FUCK UP IN THE MOST MELODRAMATIC WAY--Day 3
1. Save future Hitler Ben from getting shot in the heart from Sayid. (Just because, lol!)
2. Totally tell his Father what I did and put my homies life in jeopardy. (Sweeps week ha-ha!)
3. Crash Juliet and Sawyers love sub with my wandering eye and generally foul odor. (Check!)

Kate's a homewrecker, a fate-tester, and a slap-dash-mad-cap-thunderclap-clusterfuck.
If ANYONE dies in the season finale, it must be Kate.
(But I think it's gonna be Juliet.)
BUT IT SHOULD BE KATE!
.............Finally.
We have Sun, who, honestly, is just trying to find her man.
I get that.
(Faraaaaaaadaaaaaaaaay---)
No, I do. I understand her need to fulfill her destiny or whatever.
But.
Honestly.
Girl? You're turning into a broken record in a world of zip drives.
If this chica stands on the beach one more time, listens to some dramatic speech by Locke, nods her head like she's listening, then raises her hand and asks "If we do whatever you just said, will we find Jin?" I swear to Richard Alpert I will write a hate-rap about her.
Sun just needs to CHILL. Nobody knows what's going on, girl,Nobody!
...Except maybe Jacob.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

So, like I said, shit is TOTALLY hitting the fan.
All the pieces are in place.
The Hot Crew is all set to rewrite history by evacuating the island--only to have their plan thwarted by Jack, who, for some reason,thinks his "Destiny" can change everything when he activates an HBomb.
(When did activating a bomb ever SOLVE anything,Jack. Damn,I thought you were a doctor. Man of Science,more like Man of Bullshit.)
Meanwhile, the ugly crew is on a magical mystery tour lead by formerly dead Locke to the Center of the Island to Kill Jacob.
Jacob, who no one has seen.
Jacob, who may not exist.
Jacob, who might turn out to be special guest star Toni Braxton.
(Kidding. Maybe. Kidding. Kind of. Kidding.)
......Here's what I think is finna go down.
I think we're going to get another mind altering, W.T.F cliffhanger, a'la season 3.
I can't imagine this time travel thinking stretching on into next season--I just can't.
I don't know about y'all, but I have a hard enough time keeping up with the ever shifting rules and regulations with jumping backwards into time--I'm not saying I don't dig it (I do, dig it, I do)--but it's waywayway complicated.
(I have similar issues with the new "Star Trek", but let's not get that gay today, OK?)
...I think someone's gonna die. (Juliet, come on.)
....I think someone's gonna return (Claire? Please.)
.....And I think we'll see Rose and Bernard. (HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA!)
But of course I could be wrong. Maybe Jacob's the smoke monster,or a dinosaur, or a dinosaursmokemonster, or maybe Jacob's Jack and Jack's Jacob in the future or maybe what lies in the shadow of the statue is an action figure of Bobba Fett and all hope is lost and Jin will never find Sun and she'll spend the rest of the final season on a broken record like the island skipskipskipskip of fuck this noise I'M LOST!

Oh no. They. Didn't.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.11

2009-11-05T14:16:00.000-08:00

PREVIOUSLY ON LOST:
(All in one breath, people.)
So all these homies crashed on an island like three years ago and theres polar bears and smoke monsters and inter-racial-radical-relationships (it GOES there) anyway just when these people think all the drama's finally done with they meet up with Dharma homies who are all like "we're others" but then we realize that they're other-others and their leader is Ben, well, BEN'S all about destiny so when 6 of the plane crash homies leave Ben goes all Gandalf and summons them into a fellowship to go BACK to the island they got AWAY from to save their frienemy's get an emmy and maybe, MAYBE--Find out what happened to Rose and Bernard.

TELL IT LIKE IT IS:

Look, I don't HATE Kate.
I think she's a mildly interesting character who gets a lot more screen time then she deserves--but I don't HATE her.
I hate Rachel from "Friends". I hate the cast of "The O.C". Bush. Star Jones. Hitler.
I don't HATE Kate.
...That being said, Kate episodes are always the weakest.
It's, like, a rule.
Last nights episode? Maybe the weakest of the season, but still, I didn't hate it. And, a weak episode of LOST is usually better then anything else on TV (As far as, oh, I don't know, THE PEABODY AWARDS say.)-So I was totally fine with "Whatever Happened, Happened."
Now, I know my Madea meandering about Kate was totally unjusitifed, but still, when Kate was dragging Aaron around town I thought she was totally gonna throw him out of a window.
Come on.
Aaron's a whiny little brat (who eats better then I do) and Kate looked like she wanted to throw down on his sassy ass; if not Madea style then at LEAST "Mommie Dearest" esque.
But she didn't.
Turns out Kate's a far better Mother then we give her credit for.
Yes, she selfishly stole Aaron so she would have a skin-tight alibi, but she cared for him for three years--who DOES that?
Oh, that's right.
Kate does.
Now, I could mention the appearance of the hot chick from the long-con, Clarie's Grandma, etc, etc, but I think that's giving this subplot a little too much praise.
(And, let's face it. That "Long Con" chick was probably just excited to get some work, has anybody else seen her in ANYTHING besides LOST?) Didn't think so.
Meanwhile, Hurley and Miles did a wonderful job having the exact conversation I've had ever since this season began.
"Ben can't die, because if he dies then nobody comes to the island, but if nobody comes to the island that means the plane never crashed, and if the plane never crashed that means Locke never walked and Kate's in jail and oh my god my head HURTS."
Basically, Miles stated what's already been stated.
There's only ONE time-line on the island--since the island is seperated from everybody else in the world, it's easier to fuck with the past because destiny has course correction.
So, say, I was DESTINED to fall on my ass and get superpowers while rollerblading over a chemical plant.
Great.
So, the story is that on Saturday, March 3rd, I rollerbladed, fell on my ass, and got superpowers--that happened.
Now, let's say the Island 6 goes back in time and prevents me from doing this on March 3rd--good for them.
BUT--no matter how much they prevent me from blading, no matter how much they try, I will, somehow, FALL ON MY ASS and get superpowers;
maybe it won't be on March 3rd, or 4th, hell, it might happen on April 1st, but I WILL fall on my ass...
And get super-powers.
(Still with me?)
So, Ben can't die.
Now, to all those know-it-alls who thought that just because Ben was shot in the heart meant he was off the show, dissapeared from history, wiped clean (Anders)--I-told-you-so!
Shit.
(Don't hate the player, hate the game.)
Anyway, Kate saved the day by (once again) over stepping her bounds and completely tearing shit up just so she could be the hero.
She brought BenJr (with Sassy Sawyer in full Han Solo mode) to the Hostiles--and what do you know?
Out pops Guyliner.
Now, when Guyliner picked up Ben in his arms and said he was going to take him somewhere so Ben could "loose his innocence" I almost called child protection servies, but I'm SURE Guyliner ain't no Faraday.
My guess is he's going to infuse Ben with "the sickness"--aka "the smoke monster."
He will become a TOTAL other, not just an other-other (or the notoriously shady other-other-other-others.)
Creepy shit.
So, even though Kate pawned off her kid to Clarie's Mom, she's still a good person--she's going to bring Claire back (to life?) and save BenJr from the brink of death.
Isn't Kate just......TOO.MUCH?!

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

So, Kate-Haters, did anything change for you?
I thought Evangiline Lilly did some fine work in this episode.
Where's Faraday?
We haven't seen him since he first got to the Other's camp--that was THREE YEARS AGO.
Nobody even mentions him.
W.T.F?
I'm excited to see where Sayid is hiding--maybe he's chilling with some Arbor Mist and Rose and Bernard in a sun-drenched-hope-soaked-crepe-canopy! (Or, they're all, you know, DEAD.)
And what ABOUT Guyliner? Why's he still so sexy? Is he like Peter Pan trapped in some NeverneverLand master plan (and is he SINGLE) and what's up with Jack being all snappy (I think the beard's gone straight to his brain) and does anybody else think it's NOT a good idea to put all the Losties together in a cabin to "avoid suspicion" and oh fuck this noise I'm LOST.
-ikeout

Tell it like it is, Miles.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.10

2009-11-05T14:15:00.001-08:00

PREV. on "LOST"

So the Oceanic Six got caught in a space/time riff and now they're in the thick of Dharma circa '77 (except for the redheadednosebleeder; she got died from the sickness of the space/time slip) anyway DharmaBabies are everywhere (Ethan, Ben, Redheadednosebleeder), and the Oceanic 6 and the Island 6 are banning together in all kinds of weather to make the whole world better (and Kate's in some Mama and the Papa's sweater) and Sayid's going full speed to hell unless Lafluer can tell it like it is and call it like he sees it (did they even do that in the 70s?) fuck this rhyming shit I'm LOST.

TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Ok, where my man @?
It's been WEEKS since we saw Faragay's hotness.
I miss the mumblecore.
Whatever, as long as he isn't shacking up to the redheadednosebleeder in some dirty, dirty Lolita-like fashion, I'm all for his exile.
He needs to go all Simba and come back and shake some shit up.
Or maybe he's with Rose and Berand in the "we'll deal with you later" pile on the LOST writers desk.
Anyway.
Back to the characters who are actually ON THE SHOW.
....Totally Sayid's episode. And thank God for that.
This felt like a flashback to the season one days; the only times were went into flashback-mode was to get information that would help us see what was going on in a new fashion.
This wasn't just a Sayid episode; this was a Sayid/Ben episode.
All of Sayid's off island pain, torment, and drama came from Benjamin Linus's Santa Claus hate-list.
Or maybe not.
Maybe, Ben was helping Sayid. A killer is a killer is a killer right?
Maybe Ben was just pushing Sayid to go all Dexter instead of simply going all Iraq War.
Who knows.
Speaking of Ben, little Ben is totally jeepers creepers.
With his Harry Potter glasses and "papa don't preach" attitude.
Shit.
Little Ben spent the episode with Sayid (in a VERY "Harry Potter and the Prisnor of Azkaban" sort of way-come on, think about it) and,
in my (totally right) opinion,
set that bus on fire to cause a commotion so he could free Sayid.
Meanwhile, the 70's have totally made the "Losties" act like it's Grey's Anatomy or something.
Juliet + Kate changing a car and talking about boys was the most ABC this show has gotten all season, and I hope it stops there.
(Hurley as the roly-poly-rolly-jolly cook was also circling the toilet of too-much, but I'll take it.)
Thankfully, the flaming-bus will set the show on a different direction.
We've only got a few episodes left, homies, and in that time a LOT of ground has to be covered, all leading up to the "incident."
Now, here's where I get confused.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

Is "the incident" when Ben slaughters all of the D.I?
Or is it something else entirely?
Hmmm.
Oh, and about that time-travel stuff.
Yes, this awesome episode ended with Sayid reverting back to his killing instincts: he shot Ben, point blank, in the heart.
Now, my homie Anders thinks this means Ben is "off the show", which I think is bullshit. (Besides the fact that MIchael Emerson is contracted for the rest of this year. Anyway.)
I think Ben's going to survive.
Know why?
This season is all about DESTINY.
Ben was DESTINED to get all these people back to the island.
He CAN'T die.
Remember that scene with Michael, off island, last season?
He tries to shoot himself in the head.
He can't.
Why?
The island won't let him.
So Ben's going to survive. He's going to think he's the second coming because he survived.
...This helps me.
There is only one timeline.
You can't change the past--for instance, if the Losties try to stop "the incident" at the end of the season, they will fail.
"The incident" will happen, regardless of their intervention.
Destiny Calls, motherfuckers.
....But what about Faraday? He sets the rules but he's trying to break them with the redheadednosebleeder; is he crazy? And where's Rose and Bernard? Are they with the other-other-other-other-Hostiles, and is there cake? Didn't you love the seduction turned Boba-Fett scene, and wasn't Jin such a BITCH, and I hope Juliet beats the shit out of Kate again, (and is that bad) oh who cares fuck this noise I'm LOST.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.9

2009-11-05T14:14:00.001-08:00

PREVIOUSLY:
So the Oceanic Six went back to the island to save their homies BUT little did they know that their homies had become part of the Dharma Initavie with freakycreepy jobs like Janitor (Sawyer) Mechanic (Juliet) and DharmaDramaCamp Babysistter (Daniel FaraGay in full-on Benjamin Button mode) ANYWAY Locke's alive and all vision-questy, the redheadednosebleeder is dead (not like Locke-dead; like Shannon dead, like Eko dead, like Michelle Rodrigez's career dead) and some baby was born on the island and Rose and Bernard are probably totally fucked and Guyliner's looking finer then ever (and might be older then Larry King) maybe he should have a show but there's no TV on the island at least no internet just the smoke monster (W.t.f is the smoke monster) oh who cares fuck this noise I'm LOST.
.....................

TELL IS LIKE IT IS:
First of all, 1977 Ben is like Harry Potter's dark and mortally fucked up twin.
Same glasses, some hair, same "Destiny" obsession (shouldn't Ben be all up with the "Star Wars" trivia and his rubic-cube collection, I mean come-on)--kid is FUCKED UP.
....But not the most fucked up character on this show.
At least, not this episode.
Let's list them, from least to most.

5.
Sun and Lapeduis and Ben: VENGANCE MISSION!
Sun is ALL about the drama.
She ain't putting up shit with NObody.
Y'all saw her lay the smack-down on Ben. Bitch is CRAZY for Jin and will stop at nothing.
I also dug how Lapedius
1. Went all Sully on that TitanicShip and landed on the runway (the same one Ben Had Sawyer and Kate build in Season Three)--dude deserves a medal.
2. Got bored on leading the survivors and basically said "peace out y'all" as he went to follow Sun.
3. Was the only person with sense enough to tell somebody NOT to trust Ben. Jesus, don't these people ever read my blog?
Their final confrontation with GhostDad Christian was totally badass too.
And did anybody catch Claire in the background?
Right when Sun is looking at the picture of the "Namaste" crew.
Don't you wish you had DVR?

4. Juliet-The Sane ONE
Her slow realization that the child she was holding was none other then DharmaBaby Ethan (Which I totally figured out last "Get Lost"; I'm telling y'all I'm a Maverick Maverl with this shit)--was a perfect bit of acting and totally non-annoying.
Also, her "it's in the laundry" aside to Sawyer was a great example of their relationship.
AND--her swoop-in to save Kate from TOTALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING UP during her Dharma interview.
Juliet is a Golden Godess.

3. Sawyer and Jack-The Leading Men
Love the role-reversal with "Man of Science" Jack and "Man of Six Pack" Sawyer.
Even though the Churchill comment was a little too bizaree to be belived, Sawyer seems to have his shit together--
HOWEVER
I think Jack did a fine job steering everybody clear of catastrophe in the early days. I mean, w.t.f was the guy supposed to do?
Sawyer's got a lot on his plate, and his promise to free Sayid will clearly be an epic-fall (judging be next week's previews.)
At least we didn't have to sit through long scenes of Jack and Sawyer staring at Kate from diffrent directions as the score throbbed and Kate's nappy hair blew in the sea-wind.
Oh, wait.
WE DID.

2.
Miles and Hurley--The bumbling clusterfucks.

Mile's in full on Dharma mode makes perfect sense. His rat-like tendencies and general shadiness make perfect sense when surrounded by a group of people who treat shadiness as a suntan lotion.
Miles is straight, right? Because in 3 years--you would THINK--he'd find some Dharma Intern to go down on in the interim.
I mean, he can talk to ghosts, right? Maybe he could engage in some of those after-life-orgasms that are so popular on "Grey's Anatomy" this season (not to mention "Ghost Whisperer").
Hmmm.
Anyway, I wonder what Hurley's new job is going to be. Everything he touches seems to turn to shit. I'm suprised he didn't blow the lid on the whole operation ("Who's the president in 1977?!") and send everybody back to square one.
Hurley? The answer you're looking for is Jimmy Carter.
Hindsight is 20/20.

And, finally, THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON on Last Night's LOST was--

1.
Kate-the Medea without a Mind

.....W.T.F is up with this chica, I mean FOR REAL.
Girl needs to pound down one of those 5 hour energy drinks or drink some coffee or do a line (come on, it's the 70's) but PLEASE woman WAKE-UP.
Not everyone is wooed by your whispery line readings.
Not everyone likes your "me too can do" attitude.
Shiiiit.
Even Sawyer's had enough of AssFreckles; y'all saw that ugly 70's Mama and the Papa's shirt he gave Kate, as if to say "cover up you sleazy hootch."
For a former wannabee con-woman, Kate couldn't even think of a decent lie during her Dharma interview. Didn't she escape a hospital in a police car?
Didn't she set a house on fire?
Didn't she wear a blonde wig?!?!
If this bitch thinks she's the next Alias she's got a lotta shit to learn.
Kate's a babykiller, a cheater, a liar, and not a naturaul burnettte.
Just telling it like it is.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

SAYID-
So Sayid's in deep shit. Why did the island put him in the 70's and leave Sun and Ben and Lapedius in the 00's?
Poor guy. He's always forced to remember the fact that he tourtued/improsined innocent people for the majority of his life. Everytime he thinks he's hit a new rhytym (like voulenetering for GreenPeace off the island) he's sucked right back into the cycle.
I think we'll get a big old flashback episode with him next week.

THE NEW SURVIVORS
I'm glad Casear is their new leader, because he seems INSANE.
Oh well. Now the show has 48 new people to kill in the most random ways possible--I wanna see some fuckers get snacked on by the Smoke Monster, or at least get pulled into BlackWidowHaterKate's web of death.

ROSE AND BERNARD
Where the fuck are they?!?!!
I hope they didn't turn into those Adam and Eve skeletons.
WE NEED their middle aged desperation and general "Gilligans Island" drama!
Or maybe...they were abduced by the 70's Other's (not the other-others but the other-other-OTHERS)--the hostiles.

And what's up with new DharmaBabyEthan? Is Kate going to go all Madea on that shit to protect the future? Will Juliet and Kate get in another handcuffed fistacuff? WHERE'S DANIEL FARADAY call child protection, call Libby, call WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT call Michael (oh wait he's dead, no wait he hasn't been born yet, no, wait) oh fuck this noise I'm LOST.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.8

2009-11-05T14:13:00.001-08:00

PREVIOSUILY:
So The Oceanic Six and The Island Six are now in the same place at the same time (even Locke, who was dead, but now he's not, maybe, I don't know) anyway last time we saw the Oceanic Six they all jumped on a plane that went all Titanic (tramautic; NOW they're back on the island trying to save the people they left behind and Kate's all Medea and Jack's miserable and Sayid's a refugee camp all star and Hurley's still huge and Sun's Vengance Mission and BABYAARON is dead (How dead, like Locke dead or like Eko dead) maybe like Amy Winehouse dead so he's still walking about but he's only dead inside oh I don't know fuck this noise I'm LOST.
..................
TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
First off--
Ok so W.T.F is with that huge statue?
I freaked.
It's totally the three toed statue from Season Two's finale.
Even better, it looks (at least from the back) a lot like an Egyptian God: Maybe Osiris, maybe Anibuis, maybe Isis.
These Gods all at least hold some connection to the underworld, which would make episode 6's title "this place is death" an errie giveaway......Since Locke is walking around and there's a big freaking statue of OSIRIS hanging around, could that mean that the Lost island is some kind of gateway...
Whatever. I ain't even getting into that hippy dippy shit, mmmk?
I'm all about the characters, and this episode was loaded with them.

JULIET
She's been king of hanging around this season.
Sassy comeback here, "bang bang shoot shoot" there, but no huge character arc. When we first met her, she was an hourglass loaded with mystery, secrets, suspense; all about the DharmaDrama.
Now? Ever since Jack's flipped the light fantasitc, she's been regulated to sad-sack-status, which is where LOST writers seem to put character right before they kill them. (See: Ecko, Charlie, Shannon, redheadednosebleeder.)
In this episode, Juliet totally snatched the bad-ass crown and held it high.

1. She birthed a baby. (I think it might be that guy who kidnapped Claire in season one.)
2. She made Sawyer tell it like it is.
3. She's a hardcore monkeywrenching mechanic.

All signs of bad-ass-ness and total control. I'm glad she's back on the wagon.
At first, I didn't buy the lovey-dovey eyes her and Sawyer shot throughout the first leg of this season, but now I'm all about it. How desprate, bored, and horny would YOU be if you were stuck an some shady island in the early 70's?
The answer? Horny enough to boink Sawyer.

MILES
Everybody's favorite sassy-shady-scientist.
Was he born on the island? If so, that makes him a helpful ethnic addition to the ever-growing spinoff, "LOST: DharmaDrama Babies".
If not, I'm wondering when he's going to get his "3.5 million dollars" from Ben, because he's not doing much right now. He's GOT to be put to good use soon, what with his superpowers (the sixth-senseness) and total bad-ass-ness.
Do we see any dead people?

JIN
He's just punchdrunklovelost right now. How many hairy palms do you guys think he got in the 3 years pining for the love of his life?

FARAGAY
Speaking of hairy palms, this kid must have to shave on a daily basis.
I personally did NOT want to see Faragay going all Benjamin Button on the redheadednosebleeder's 4 year old version of herself.
Shit is NASTY!
Y'all saw the way he looked at her.
Shady.
BUT, let's keep tabs on that relationship.
Why?
1. So we can alert child protection services.
2. Because the redheadednosebleeder said that a "creepy old man" told her to never go back to the island. My guess is that it's Faragay.
Creepy.
Finally--

SAWYER

My. LaFluer himself.
(For those of you thinking of googling; the name mean's "Flower.")
Former-con-men can always shit out lies at the drop of a hat. Sawyer not only managed to keep the team safe on the island, but he inserted every member of the Island 6 into huge roles within the Dharam Initiavie.
Also, that convo with Guyliner? Totally creepy.
I wonder how hostile the Other-Others are willing to get.
True, we know Ben was sent to kill the Dharma-Others in season three, but who sent the order?
Could it have been Guyliner?
Hmmm.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

I wonder how much these characters are fucking with the space time continium--or are they just doing everything according to plan?
Were they ALWAYS destined to go to the 70's and help the D.I--or are these events changing the ENTIRE history of the island?
V. confused.
But, at the end of the day, the show works it out. We're never bogged down in mystery-mode; we're interested in the characters.
I cried when Sawyer locked eyes with Kate on that dreamy seascape; her nappy, shredded, stingy hair blowing in the wind with a look of Trailer-Park-Wonder etched into her sagging cheekbones.
Magic.
No matter how thick the mystery gets (and I believe tonight's episode will only stir it up even more) we always have the characters to latch onto...As Desmond would say, they're our "constant."
...But really, w.t.f is up with that staute, and is Guyliner like the big bad, and where's Jacob, and is Faragay a pedophile (eeew) anyway where's Smoky and who are the REAL others not the other-others but the other-other-other-others (others?) WHOSE BABY WAS BORN what did they do without the internet for three years did they get to see "Star Wars" oh fuck this noise I'm LOST.
.................wWWWEEEEErrrrrrrrOW.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.7

2009-11-05T14:11:00.000-08:00

Previously on Lost:
Ok so the Island six are slipping through time (and space) DharamDrama's all over the place Jack's Dad's all up in Locke's face and the big word this season is FATE soooo the Oceanic six are rounded up by Ben who's supposedly doing what Locke failed to do before he died (catch em catch em gotta catch em all) so now the O6 is going BACK to the island (which is like trying to re-crash the Titanic, traumatic) anyway everybody's on the same island now but we still don't know why Locke wanted them to get there in the first place or where the island is in time (and space) and why the redheadednosebleeder was needed in the first place and since when are hope and destiny and fate interlaced (I don't know) stop asking me I'm LOST.
.............

TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Locke's not my favorite.
That being said, I remember the first time I sat down to watch Lost--uh-oh, I feel a flashback coming on
weEEEEEEEErooooow.
(Hey, don't bitch. Everybody else has 'em.)
The first time I saw LOST I watched the first few episodes in a row. Right when I was supposed to turn off the TV and turn on, oh, I don't know, MY LIFE, I caught the first Locke-centric episode, "Walkabout."
As soon as Locke wheeled out from behind that desk--I knew I was hooked on the show.
So, even though Locke always ends at the high end of my annoy-o-meter, that doesn't mean I won't give the big lug some love.
The episode started with Locke wrapped in a cloak that he pulled off the back-rack of the HarryPotterWhiteHairedWitchBitch outlet mall.
Locke appears to the newly crashed island inhabitants, who are much more chill about the whole "our plane just crashed" thing then the Oceanic ensemble EVER was.
(Which leads me to belive at least a few of them were sent on the plane by Widmore. More on that later).
Anyway, everybody's scared of Locke because of his cloak and his bald head and that whole "destiny" thing.
Little do they know, Locke is pretty clueless about how he got there, too.
Flashback--weeeeRRRRRRROW,
and we see Locke's entire journey off the island.
Like some shady sickly Santa Claus, Locke is taken around America, "Driving Miss Daisy" style, by Abadanon, that creepy tall black henchmen.
With Locke in the back seat and Ab as the driver, imagine the high flying adventures!
Or, don't.
Anyway, Locke makes a naughty and nice list of all his island homies.
Nice:
WAAAAAAAALT, who appears not the least bit suprised to see Locke off the Island.
Kid's still fucking creepy.
Naughty:
Kate, Hurley, Jack, Sayid, Sun, and BabyAaron, who didn't say anything but probally puked in his general direction.
Poor Locke.
He's just trying to save some lives and what happens?
He's not greeted as the jolly old man with gifts and shit, no, he's treated more like Will Smith in 7lbs--with general ambivelince and feeble box office returns.
(I know the ending for 7lbs. Don't see it, just ask me to spoil it for you. The truth is out there.)
Now, let' not forget Locke's a man on a missions.
But who's mission?
Jack's Dad--who told him to turn the frozen donky wheel--(Jesus I love this show.)
Or
Widmore--who's set up shop at the same Tuscan desert where Ben appeared during last season.
I honestly get VERY very confused with this Ben vs Jack's Dad vs Jacob thing, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
They all want the same thing--right?
I don't know.
Whatever, moving on--
Nobody wants to go with Jack. Esp. not Kate, who's all like "you just a sad old man mmmk don't come knocking round here no more a'ight I gots a BABY now mmmk?"
Locke is hopeless.
He can't get anybody to jump in the backseat of his creepy sleigh-ride of doom,
his Morgran Freeman like sidekick is shot to death,
and his man-tittes are looking a little ripe post island.
So what does he do?
He tries to commit suicide. But not the simple way like, say, a gunshot to the head or a marathon of "Degrassi" on the N,
no,
Locke does it the good old fashioned way: with a chair, a shitty motel room, and 8 feet of rope from some store called "Hangers".
(Ha. Ha. Funny Funny, writers. Really.)
Well, Ben get's all heroic and saves Locke at the last moment--
only to then STRANGLE Locke himself.
Now.
I've got a few theories about this..since we KNOW Jacob (Or Jack's Dad or whoever Old Man Who Hangs out in Frozen Wheels was) wants Locke to die.
Apparently, it's the only way to go back to the island.
We can assume that Ben knows this, too, just, well, I don't know, just because.
So why does Ben stop him BEFORE Locke does what needed to be done anyway?
......................................................................................................
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

I think he stops Locke because you can't become alive on the island if you kill yourself--somebody else has to kill you.
hmmm? hmmmm?
Once Locke's dead, snake-oil-salesmen Ben can use his anti-Shady-Claus scheming ways to get everybody back to the island, like, for real.
So he sends people to freak out Kate and her baby,
he takes Jin's ring to show Sun,
he fate-rapes Jack into going back,
etc, etc, etc.
All...for...what, exactly?
We keep hearing rumors of a war, but what the fuck is that? Other-others versus simple others?
Man versus fate? 70's versus 00's?
(70's would totally win.)
Or, is it something bigger.
Like--end of the world big.
Er.
Who knows, maybe Desmond will come into play, maybe Faraday's got something to say, maybe the redheadednosebleeder is like Kate Winslet in "The Reader" and the whole island's just some theater and your car's running on the meter and OH fuck it to death who cares I'm LOST.
.................................................................................................

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.6

2009-11-05T14:10:00.000-08:00

Previously on LOST:
So six people got off the island (in order of least to most annoying: Sayid, Sun, Jack, Hurley, BabyAaron, Kate) but their lives are meaningless without the action filled two months they spent with their darmadrama summer-camp homies ("Jacob4eva! See you next apocolypse!"); they need to go back and save them, lead by former-frienemy-now-total-chummy-Benjerman Linus. The Oceanic Six get closer and closer to fending off fate, killing off Kate, and setting the record straight because it keeps skipskipskiprrrrrrrrrrrr nevermind I'm LOST.
......................
TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
My DVR is fucked up.
So, I'm sure you know, but DVR is a life saver. You can record several programs at once, save them as long as you want; it's digital love.
Until my digital love get's DELETED.
That's right--SOMEONE programed "American Idol: Beyond Thunderdome" to record on what might have been the most intense night of this season.
Thank God (or Oprah) that my rehearsal got canceled that night, or I would have gone all Chris Brown on someone.
Shit.
Anyway, crisis averted.
We got to see the Oceanic Six put aside their petty differences (I always forget how fucking RICH these characters are now. Remember the settlement? How it's in the nine digits? The Oceanic 6 could save the economy.)
We got to see Miss Hawkings (Daniel Hopehesgay Mother) going all Harry-Potter-Witch-Bitch with a swinging pendalum.
We ignored the redheadednosebleeder.
Best. Episode. Ever.
After Hawking sent the gang on their merry way, every character had to come to terms with their own departure.
Here's what I imagine Kate's "coming to terms" list looks like:
KATE:
1.
Should I pack running shoes?
2.
What about my ipod?
3.
Should I KILL MY STOLEN CHILD?!
4.
Must DVR "Wild Things". OMG Denise Richards lol!
5.
Go to airport.

Kate checked off EVERYTHING on that list.
Come ON. What ELSE would she do to poor baby Aaron?
You saw her lusthumping pity-sex with sadsackJack.
She wouldn't just drop her baby off at a children's shelter and hop back in bed with a man she clearly can't stand.
She
A) Sold him on the black market to some redhot white folks
B) Gave him to her Mother
or
C) Went Medea on that shit.

Kate's a criminal. Imagine the pathos of killing her stolen child?!
THAT'S enough drama to get her through the next season.
Ok. Part of me wants to believe she did option B, but.....she wouldn't. She just wouldn't. Kate did something hardcore,
and,
short of dropping babyAaron through some timehole (teehee); I think she would rather take his life then see the island take it.
Didn't ghostdancer Claire tell Kate NOT to bring back Aaron?
Hmm.
Moving on.
I loved the scene of everyone coming back to the airport.
I also wasn't as shocked by Sun coming back as Jack seemed to be--come ON, Vengenace Mission Sun is totally turning into Victory Mission Sun, happy dancing included.
Hurley finally stopped his Anne Heche attitude and hopped on the plane (even after trying to snatch up every seat. Don't fuck with fate, bro.)
Now,
the odd thing about this was seeing Sayid being carried away in handcuffs.
Yes, it completes the "replicate the original flight" bit that whitehairedharrypotterwitchbitchhawkings told them to recreate,
BUT
what was Sayid in trouble for?
And why not just take him to a jail in LA?
Could Ben have something to do with it?
He was looking pretty shady @ the docks.
.....Which leads me to my final theories.
......................
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
-Ben killed Penny.
Come on.
Who else could it be?
-The Oceanic 6 and the Island 6 are now on the same island,
in the same time.
But is everybody else?
-I'm excited to see the plane crash from the new survivors perspective.
You know it's finna be awesome.
-LOST has amazing moments of drama shoved in between heart-stopping action.
The episode was wonderfully written, directed, edited and acted.
Can TV get any better?
-No.
-ikeout

"Where are we?"
No.
WHEN are we, bitch.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.5

2009-11-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

Previously on "Lost":
(Try this in one breath, people.)
OK so six survivors escaped the island via helicopter only to find that their lives basically suck without polar bears and dharma beer and WAAAAAAAAAAAALT so they decide to high-tail it back to the island so their lives will be worth a damn but DRAMA they all have to go back and some of them have gotten FUCKED-UP like Hurley's crazy(ier) Sayid's all Greenpeace and Sun's gone Vengeance Mission SO it's up to Ben (former frienemy and total dharma-drama magnet) to get them back where they belong or else the friends they left behind will be forever LOST.
.......
RECAP
Meanwhile, the Island 6-(In order of least annoying) Juliet Sawyer Miles Faraday Locke and the redheaded nosebleeder-are totally Lost In Space (and time) and are constantly jumping back to the future.
Personally, I love the time jumps. I love the brightwhitelight I love the sound effect and I LOVE that, with every jump, the redheadednosebleeder get's further and further away from LIFE ITSELF.
I tried to like her.
I tried to support her odd accent and general Lucy-from-Narnia vibe (she's ALL about jumping back through the wardrobe!)
-but, alas, she's a one-toss-albatross; this season she's done NOTHING but poop red makeup out of her nose and STEAL my man, Daniel Faraday.
Who's smoking hot.
Like, hotter then a poptart fresh outta the toaster he's-
Nevermind.
More on her later.
This episode introduced us to '88 era Roseau, who's totally more chill then '03 era Roseau.
Really. Who would you rather go on a boat trip with?
A plucky twenty something with a pothead's haircut
or
THE WILD THING.
.....I'd pick the former.
'88-era-R was all about helping Jin, even though her homies were all like "he's weird and foreign and puffy faced".
Turns out Jin totally saved Rosseau!
Instead of letting her jump down the smoke-monster's-hole (eeew), he prevented her from being mind-fucked by Big Smoky.
Speaking of Smoky.
Turns out he's totally capeable of controlling people's minds!
Crazy shit.
So THAT'S the sickness that took away Rosseau's crew.
It wasn't the time travel nose-bleeding thing; the sickness is the SmokeMonster.
Hmmmm.......
Anyway, Jin jumped back (or forward?) in time, meeting up with the Island 6.
(New Annoying Chart: Juliet, Sawyer, Miles, Jin, Faraday, Locke, redheadednosebleeder still in last place)
Well, minus Locke.
After trying to get back to the Orchid, Locke jumps down a hole into a well--
and dissapears in time, leaving only a limp rope behind.
Dra-ma.
But y'all KNOW we ain't seen the last of locke.
Jacob (or Jack's Dad, or, fuck, I don't know)--informs him of his destiny.
He needs to get everyone back to the island--
and he has to die.
SAY WHAT?!?!!
Finally, the time jumps seemed to totally push redheadednosebleeder to DEATH.
Beaten by the migranie induced flashes, she collasped into the arms of my boyfriend and,
with nary a tissue or a hankerchief,
snotted out her final clue:
She's been to the island before.
Which means my theory (of people who've been on the island the longest being the most affected by the flashbacks)--is true.
I'm a Golden God.
Or at least a plastic one.
..........................
OBSERVATIONS
-Bye redheadednosebleeder. We know thee too well.
-How hot is Faraday?
-Juliet needs more stuff to do.
-We learn something new about the smoke monster every time we see him, it, her, er, anyway.
-Maybe Jacob IS the smoke monster? Like...he takes over people's bodies and...makes them do stuff and...he's like a spirit or a ghost or an essence or a shadow (or Casper?) oh whatever fuck this I'm LOST.
-ikeblog

WILL.SHE.EVER.DIE?!

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.4

2009-11-05T14:07:00.001-08:00

PREV. on "LOST"

So the survivors of 815 are all meeting in L.A 'cause this white-haired-Harry-Potter-witchbitch is all like "You have 70 hours to get back to the island" and they HAVE to go back because all their homies have been slipping in and out of time for like three years and seeing dead people and french people and hot people (like the ageless Other with the guy-liner; hubba) but time is running out and drama's building up and where the hell is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT I'm LOST.

"THE LITTLE PRINCE"

So.
Kate episode.
....Usually they suck, royally. No offense to Evangilene Lilly's acting, but that character is like the black
jolly-rancher jellybean in a pile of greens reds and blues.
That being said: What.An.Episode.

"THE OCEANIC SIX"

From the opening moments with Kate and Jack's pre-island-"rescue", you knew something big was finna drop.
"Me Too"Kate cooked up the idea of pretending she was pregnant (which is a huge jump in logic but I'm willing to leap) and then made Jack announce it to the group as if it was some impromtou idea of his own.
Meanwhile, Vengance-Mission Sun has Kate EXACTLY where she wants her--
or does she?
V.M.Sun, I assumed, was working with Widmore to capture Kate for some mission of vengance;
but, it turns out that Sun has no need for Kate--
all Sun needs is a chocolate-box-covered-colt.45 and a google map of wherever Ben's @.
With baby Aaron in the backseat (who, by the by, eats better then I do)--V.MSun blazed into the starlight to shoot Ben,
JUST as Jack and long-lost-frienemy Kate rendevouded with Sayid and co.
This was the best of the off-island subplots since they began. We had our character in survival mode (Or, in Sun's case, VENGANCE MODE!)--battling the powers that be in a way that recalled the glory days of Season One.
"Go there, get her, hide from him, run here, pause for meaningful character moments"--it was LOST at it's most basic, but, with the new setting, all the old trappings appeared fresh, new, and--
should I go there?
--Sexy.
Next week: Either V.M.Sun puts one right between Ben's eyes or everybody breaks out into a musical number about how "times have changed, haven't they?"
My money's on Sayid for the dance break.

"ON THE ISLAND"

Thank comic-book genius Brian K Vaughn for the serial-like-sickness of time-slips and gun-shots ripping though the survivors "Back to the Future" picnic.
Vaughn (Of Y:The Last Man fame) is incredible at pushing plot, character, and theme forward with action scenes and mounting suspence; everyone had a clear purpose, objective, and hidden secret.
It seems that the red-headed-nose-bleeder (TM!) is only the first to become afflicted with the time-jump sickness.
Next? Myles.
Then? Juliet.
Hmm....
Who's been on the island the longest?
My money goes on the characters in that order, ending with Sawyer and Locke, who have only been on the island for, what, 100 and so days?
The red-headed-nose-bleeder and Myles have logged mega time-sheet papers for Dharma--
Or--
And maybe I'm just crazy--
I think they both could have been born on the island.
Myles could totally be the baby in the first scene of the season--the son of the "Namatase" guy.
Juliet, as we saw, has been on the island for several years, but not as long as the red-headed-nose-bleeder,
whose time-line is still in the fuzzy.
Speaking of the fuzzy--what was with the time jump and the canoe?
Now.
MAYBE I'M CRAZY--
But I think that's the Oceanic 6! I think they got to the island on some kind of Indian airline (notice the tickets and etc littered around the beach) and shot at whoever STOLE THEIR FUCKING CANOE--not realizing, of course, they were shooting at the same people they were trying to SAVE.
Drama.
Dharma.
Drama.
Dhrama-Drama.

"NEXT"

Shit's gonna start linking up quick.
Jin's back in the game.
Color me shocked.
I hope he realizes that the time-travel rules are more "Harry Potter" then "Heroes"--you can't change the past, so it's no use trying to tell crazy french women that everyone on their team will die,
because,
they're all going to die anyway, no matter WHAT you do.
Whatever, Jin speaks about as much English as a drunk Lindsay Lohan.
Will V.M Sun withdraw her mission when she hears her husband is still alive?
Methinks so.
Will Locke die soon?
Methinks so.
Will Daniel Faraday ditch the red-headed-nose-bleeder and hold me in his arms as we embrace this ever-changing-land-of-the-lost?!?!?!?!?!?!?
.....By the end of the season, AT-LEAST.
ikeout.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.2

2009-11-05T13:55:00.000-08:00

O.
M.
G.

PREVIOSUILY:
So flight 815 crash landed on this time-confounding island where there's monsters and emmys and Michele Rogregeiz (she died, then came back, then died, then lost a lot of weight, whatever) anyway 6 people got off this crazy clusterfuck only to find out that in order to save the other people on the island:
they have. to go. BACK.

"JUGHEAD"
After last weeks season opener concentrated on the intrigue behind getting BACK to the island (Claire's baby, Sun's plotting, Hurley's hot-pocket-throwing-ninja-

moves)--this week treated us to an epic, time bending piece of classic "Lost."
"Jughead" featured my personal favorite character (Daniel Faraday, more on him later) leading the "Freighties" through a Brittish occupied camp of others:
Lead. By. Richard.
Now, Richard never ages, but aren't you always shocked every-time he's revealed?
Like in Ben's flashback--or Locke's?
I want to see a show about Richard popping up during the JFK assasaniation, the moon landing, and the Obama Inagruation, being all like "Deal, bitch."
I bet he's got a rotten portrait hanging in a closet somewhere.
Moving on.
The Others are mystified about an H-Bomb (how the fuck did THAT get there?) and use Daniel to "dismantle" the seismic slice of ka-boom.
He's lead there by a sassy Brit with pigtails--a Brit named "Ellie."
....It took me a second, but, thanks to my knowledge of all things "Degrassi: The Next Generation" I realized that Ellie was short by Eloise--
What other Eloise do we know?
(Not, not Ellie from "Degrassi", the tanorexic go-for-broke stoner who dated Skinner before he joined the cult and almost married that one chica who went all Lolita and tried to kill herself in front of--nevermind,)
The OTHER one, Eloise Hawking--
the white-witch-harry-potter-bitch who appeared in "Flashes Before Your Eyes" in season 3, and, most recently, in last week's opener!
It makes sense--Eloise looks about 70, and "Ellie" from last night could pass for a late teen-early twenty something.
Now, there's talk about Daniel's Mother being the white-haired-harry-potter-witchbitch--
which would explain how cool and calm Daniel was when Ellie had him at gunpoint.
Remember the rules of time travel: She can't KILL him because HE hasn't been BORN yet.
....Whoa.
Also, Whidmore is an other!
Makes sense. Now, he wants to get BACK to the island.
AND, it makes sense that he gave Desmond Ellie's number--those homies go way back to '54, yo!
It's all. Making. Sense.
....Sort of.

DANIEL FARADAY
Some people are all up on Desmond like he's Brad Pitt-
but Faraday's hotter then a poptart, fresh out of the toaster.
First of all, his thin-black-tie-ruffled-collar is so iconic that I want the action figure, like, now.
Second of all, his obsession with science over love is much more fascinating then Desmond's time-traveling-hard-on for that blonde shitza whose name stands for an ever deflating form of currency.
(Penny and pennies are over. Check the stock market "Brotha"! Shit.)
Also, kudos for Jeremy Davies rising forth from a dying film career to craft a fidgety, nuerotic preformance that's layered, funny, and dark.
Sure, he "cares" about that red-headed-nose-bleeding-bombshell, but everytime he's looking at her I feel that he's looking through her--thinking about string theory, or Darwainism, or contemplating a tricky Dave Matthews Band lyric.
("Crash--into me?")
Anyway, he's the shit, and with Jack being all beardy and L.A, he's the closest we have to a leading man.
....Sawyer doesn't count. He's too naked.

ANNOYING SHIT
Star trek had the "Red shirts"; Lost has the "Lookouts".
Anyone who's acting too much like they're "looking out" for the audience:
Like Aranz in Season One, or last week's complaining, un-named know-it-all--
gets toasted in the worst way possible.
Aranz got blown up, and last week's asshole (who was acutally WEARING a red shirt) was the first to get hit by the biggest wall of flaming arrows since last years Gay Pride Festival in Utah.
How many fucking people are on this island anyway?
They can't kill off any more, really--48 people survived the crash, last week we saw at least 5 on camera deaths, this week two, COUNTLESS more in seasons two, three and four......not to mention 10 or so people abducted when the others attacked in season one.
Whatever.
This week? The two that got toasted by the '54 crew were gone in seconds.
Seconds.
Those poor, poor day players.

COOL SHIT
Juliet.
"Why don't we all just put down our guns?"
Best. Cockblock. Ever.
Also, I-see-dead-people hottie.
I love how the fact that he can speak to the deceased is as common as not having toilet paper on the island.
Nobody cares!
I also love how we didn't see any of the oceanic 6--BUT we learned that Desmond and Penny and Charlie Jr (he named his son after his dead homie! love it!) are going to meet up up with Jack and co in LA.....

NEXT:
I think Penny's gonna die.
Or, Desmond goes back to the island.
Or both.
I think Jin will pop up SOON (I always see his name in the credits, and he's never there. They did the same thing with Michael last season--so, when he finally came back, it was almost like "Dude, you were supposed to be here weeks ago!")

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.1

2009-11-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

So. I'm breaking down the season opener--but for everybody who knows nothing about "Lost"--let me attempt to recap.
Previously on LOST
Ok so Flight 815 crashed on this uncharted island full of booby traps and never-aging cults and CGI smoke monsters that only come around during sweeps season ANYWAY the homies on the island banded together lead by Jack (who's this doctor with daddy issues and a tattoo put on his chest by Bai Ling from Star Wars anyway he's so over that) cause they all wanna go home, right,
WRONG
cause the island is off the map and may be trapped in the past and there's this crazy chica who's like Xena's post-menopausal-shady-aunt

-named Rosseu--who's been on the island for YEARS,
just like Desmond (who was told to press a button every 108 minutes or else) anyway WHATEVER, nobody can leave (omg!) BECAUSE of the "Dhrama Initiative" (Drama Initiate) who be doing all these TESTS and shit (with polar bears and sharks and neilson ratings) and time travel (oh yeah, oh yeah, it GOES there.)
So 6 people got off the island last season (Go Jack, Kate, Sayid, Hurley, Sun, Aaron)
The Oceanic Six,
and we're all like "they should be happy, right; Mcdonalds, cars, warm sheets, Obama's president; they should be fucking happy, right?) WRONG
because
.....Well actually nobody knows yet.
Moving on.

"LOST: FIFTH SEASON PREMIERE"

Bye flashbacks.
Hello cluster-fucked-space-time-continuum-melodrama.
Smart move; now, we no longer have to sit through flashbacks that reveal Locke aided pot farmers (come on, you know some of those flashbacks were so whack.)
Whatever.
I LOVE the fact that the island's movinig through time. For the first time since season one, all the characters are completely clueless--pawns to the elements; the powers that be.
No kitchen.
No hatch.
Hell, no fire; nothing but the clothes on their backs and the fear in their eyes.
The time-warp also allows us to (hopefully) get the facts behind the islands most mind-fucking-tendancies:
Like the Smoke Monster.
Like the Black Freighter.
That hot latino-looking-brother who never ages, the one that helped Locke, (come on you know who I mean)-Yeah, whats up with him?!
........
Moving on.
Sun's evil.
Like, working for Widmore evil,
like femme-fatale-esque-interntional-Bond-girl-golden-era
Evil;
I'm liking it.
What about Sayid?
I want my dishwasher to dispatch dastardly dudes like THAT.
Damn!
I LOVE the action on "Lost." It's so balls-to-the-walls-kick-your-ass-pose-for-the-camera-90's-pazazz I scream like a little bitch when the fight scenes start and I cry for standing O's when they finish.
Now.
What the fuck is up with white-witch-Harry-Potter bitch up in the clocktower?!?!?!
Is she Danial Faraday's mother?
His baby's mother?
His baby's mother's constant?
A leftover lesbo from the L word, WHAT; I wanna know.
(Besides, I love that actress, she looks like she could take down Judi Dench in a Brooklyn backyard bar fight).
Finally:
Is this not one of the best shows on TV?
The season premiere made me gasp and laugh and clap my hands and think, think, think.
For the next 14 weeks, Wednesday's will totally rock.
Ikeout

HUGH JACMAN vs THE OSCARS.

2008-12-12T12:56:00.001-08:00

Who. Will. WIN?!

Cindi McCain's Blog.

2008-12-12T12:23:00.001-08:00

What. A. Week-it-has-been!
I mean first we get the best debate ever (Props to my McHubby!) then we get a wonderful S.N.L (Sassy Negative Liberals, gotta love 'em, or at least pretend to try, smile through teeth, no quick facial movements, botox helps); then there was Joe the Plumber, some kidnapping, dow goes up, dow goes down, pill pill pill pop pill pill pill and those 14 million robocalls, weren't they just--desperately aggressive but oddly comforting?
Huh?!
Can I get an amen, here, or what, people?!
Give it up to McHubby. Wow. Just wow. Wow; we've been together for so long that I know whatever he's thinking, whenever he's thinking it, down-to-the-decimal.
Some people call it witchcraft. I just call it Love.
I FEEL him.
Deep in my heart.
Like a lump. Or an oddly hidden purse.
When he's stumbling around on a debate stage, I feel his love like a chill licking up my spine; a dragon, thirsty for my flesh and blood.
Deep. Jurassic.
When he's shaking back and forth on a McCain Plane charted for Hellsville, Virginia, I am with him, thousands of miles below, in Arizonia, under a table, out of codine, rattling my false teeth together in my hands like pom-poms for politics.
And when he's space to space in the greatest race with what's-his-face I parry I duck and I spew my guts all over the place; kids, let-me-tell-you-truth:
Obama?
(Devil-fucker, yes,) BUT-
He has helped my marriage more then anything. In. Years.
Now, we've tried everything before Obama.
Every-THING. I'm talking adderbal botox claritin detox ecstasy fucking other people like George and Herbet and Ian and Viagra?
Anyone?
Can I get an amen?
Obama has helped us, helped us walk away from all that.
Now, I'm a smart woman. I don't believe all those cries of "socalist!" and "n@#%@r!" and "choosen one!"--but they're fun to say, right?
Try it, (when you're alone, first, and in front of a mirror) but try it--and realize that these are the words that can save your husband.
Words. So small, I know, right, but still--words have the power, here.
Not signs. Not billboards. It sure as hell isn't T&A, I mean, have you seen me and Palin tit-to-tit and tit-for-tat (HELLO, people, OK, right?)--no.
It's about words.
Now, it's been years since McCain has held a gun during a time of war. (True, in 91 during dessert storm he chased me around the penthouse screaming for my death, but that wasn't a real war and he told me later that he set the rifle on "Stun.")
My husband needs these words. They are the only artillery that God has left him.
And after a night of ra-ra-rabble-rousing, with screaming masses, burning effigies, puking rednecks...When the rallies are empty?
When the cleaning crew's picked up every last bottle of red bull and the chettos are crunched to dust on the floor.....
It's just the two of us.
Me, and Mchubby, pacing that empty gymnasium, that deserted cafetorium, yelling, shouting, screaming "Socalist!" "Back Taxes!" "Pussy!" "Pansy!" "Cotton Picker!" "DEMOCRAT!" until it gets him so worked up, so hot to trot, that he takes me over to the hotel and on the MCcain/PALIN bedsheets he fills up my buttercup so much that I scream "Drill, baby! DRILLLLLLLL!"
That might have been a little T.M.I*, as the kids say, but folks, let me tell you this: Times are getting tough.
Think it's ugly now? Oh.
Just. You. Wait for November.
Mud-will-fly.
Now if this blog-post--along with the robocalls and the rhetoric and the misleading-liberal-media bias get you down, well, just hang onto this little kernel of truth-cluster:
It may be hurting YOU. But it's helping MY marriage.
And at the end of the day, isn't that what this elections all about?
Thank you, fellow republicans.
God Bless My Cunt and your country.
-Cindi McCain
(With an i cause it's fun! I know it's really Cindy. I just did it with an i cause I felt like it!
No, but really! Isn't our country just LIKE that? See you at the polls!)
*T.M.I=Too Much Information

Joe The Plumber Can Suck My Dick. (And NOT in the gay way.)

2008-12-12T12:22:00.001-08:00

If we needed any more of a reminder that we are entering "The Greatest Depression", look no further then Joe The Plumber.
I hate writing that name. I hate looking at it. I refuse to say it; yes, it's an election year, but I won't speak in simple symbolism because saying "Middle Class" takes to long.
It doesn't. Try it.
Joe the Plumber is an Ohio nobody who had enough free time in his afternoon to wander into a mellow Obama "media-march-through-blue-

collar neighborhood."
He asked (excuse me: Whined) about the prospects of starting a business in today's economy. He'd be taxed. He won't get to keep all his money. He was fed up.
Ok.
Any fucker-of-mothers who think he's going to whip up 250,000 bucks to flush into a plumbing enterprise is a dumbfuck.
Not even Super Mario could unclog that much cash.
NO UPSTART PLUMBER makes 250,000 in his first year.
In THIS economy?
FUCK YOU.
Joe doesn't want to start a "small business".
Joe wants to start a "Joe Business."
His prospectives don't include hiring a rag-tag-team of capable plumbers--Joe believes his plumbing IS the team, HIS plumbing can move mountains, HIS plumbing will get HIM money for HIS house and HIS kids and HIS beer and HIS backyard and HIS life, HIS life, HIS life.
He wants a single enterprise; a one-man-septic-can-changing-band of bullshit.
Now? Now everybody's all crazy.
Remember that Kevin Costner movie--"Swing Vote?"
It's a real P.O.S,* but if you must, find it on Surf The Channel.
He plays a man who's vote will determine the election.
A sloppy, drunk, angry man.
Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Hopper play candidates fighting over his vote--they paint him as an example of the "Everyman", The "Common Man", The "Plumber", The "Teacher", The "Racist", The casual watcher of "Dancing with the Stars."
He becomes everything to the campaign.
Now.
Joe The Plumber is no Kevin Costner.
At least Kevin Costner, with all the shit he's dropped, could probably get a decent plumbing license.
"Joe The Plumber" doesn't have a plumbing license.
...Let me write that again.
"Joe The Plumber" doesn't have a plumbing license.
I HATE writing it I hate thinking it I hate him.
He's a VISIBLE redneck republican.
He has a SHAVED HEAD (And not in the sexy way.)
He throws around words like "socialism" and "Stealing" like they're actually going to happen.
He asks a hypothetical question and now has to carry the weight of the election on his broad bronzed shoulders.
Joe The Plumber is no Joe Worker.
He's no Joe Six Pack.
Hell, he's not even Joe Millionare.

*P.O.S=Piece of Shit.

Dear "Heroes": FUCK YOU, we're over.

2008-12-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

Dear "Heroes"

You've jumped the shark.
Actually,"Heroes", you've jumped the shark more times then Ecco the fucking dolphin.
In the course of one episode, no, make that every episode starting with the season one finale, you have fucked me, over and over again, and just when I was about done just when I was "almost there" you pulled out zipped up and said "To Be Continued."
No. We-will-NOT continue.
Now, I'm a forgiving TV watcher, in very much the same way that I'm a forgiving battered house-husband. Knock me around as much as you want; I'll always come back if the mood's the same and the cock's still hot.
The mood: Serialized drama-rama with super-dupa-powers by the hour.
The cock: Peter Petrelli with emo-shock-locks.
Easy, sexy, 42 minutes a week, BAM.
Lately, though?
Not so much with the BAM.
More with the cheese, and the snark, and the self-aware and the characters nobody cares about anymore, dude, what's WITH you?
You started out fine as hell--A team of international homies realizing they're punch-drunk with superpowers?
IDEAL.
Giving these characters an entire season to hook it up?
HOT.
Squandering that hook up quicker then a prom date forgetting the condoms at the party?
BULL. SHIT.
You came back for Season Two and I was all like "Kool, whatever,", cause you promised something new.
But I didn't get new.
WE didn't get new; we got "Spy Kids 2" instead of "Empire Strikes Back", we got "2 Fast 2 Furiouis" when "The Incredible Hulk" woulda sufficed; we opened our arms to you and you squatted in between them and shat upon us again and again and again;
Giving us half the cast of "The Wire", only to ignore them, (JUST like the Emmy's!)
air dropping Kristen Bell and giving her dialogue Helen Keller couldn't stutter with a straight face,
Killing your cast, then bringing them back to life
Killing your cast, then bringing them back to life
Killing your audience, it ain't right it ain't right it ain't RIGHT.
NOW.
HERE'S what we finna DO.
First, you're going to give me back my comic-book-show virginity so I can save it for a BETTER show with morals and what-such; I got class, see?
Then, you're gonna apologize to all my friends because I have STUCK UP for you ANY TIME one of my homies has stated the truth about WHAT YOU DO WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.
Finally?
FINALLY?
....You're going to get better. You're not gonna fuck up again. You're gonna come back, next week, promise me something bigger, better, anything, baby, give me drama give me comedy give me a proposal I can wave around on my TIVO and show off, gimme SOMETHING.
Cause I'm not giving up on you.
I don't know how.
Now you get better.
And I'll see you next week.

P.S
Don't think I won't leave your ass if you ain't right when LOST comes back,
cause I can
I have before
and I'll do it in a humming-bird-heart-beat if you don't pull yourself TOGETHER.
...Love you baby.
Sometimes.
....Only sometimes.....

I Saw Milk And Cried Like A Faggot.

2008-12-12T12:17:00.001-08:00

I did.
Tears busted outta me like that dam in "X2:X MEN UNITED", and, like Jean Grey, once that water hit me I was transformed into a Phoenix.
-Not Dark, though.
No.
I didn't go on a killing spree that resulted in the lives of Professor X, a solar system, or a coulda-been-awesome-franchise, no--

But I changed.
And who the hell changes watching a movie anymore?
(I saw "Speed Racer" and some emo-vampire-texting-cylon changed her backpack because she was "too hot" in the theater,)
but other then that,
who changes anymore?
Sean Penn changes. It's his superpower. Gone are the days of using his might for mere Oscars; this man is out to shake up a download-only generation of young gay men and woman.
He steps inside Harvey Milk, whose one term as city supervisor (a "community organizer", if you will, take THAT Sarah Palin--) was cut short by Dan White, a fellow supervisor who assassinated Milk and the mayor of San Francisco.
Sorry. Did I spoil the movie?
Milk's story has been with me since I was a kid.
I don't consider being "up on history" spoiling a movie that, maybe, is a bit too late. (More on that later.)
In October of 1998, after Matthew Shepard was killed by two drunk hate-mongers in Laramie, Wyoming, my teacher sat the whole class down and gave us a lesson on not just gay rights--but HUMAN rights.
I was in eighth grade, getting a history lesson that I could have used YEARS earlier.
Harvey Milk's story put a piece into my robotics; gay people weren't this formless cult like the Moonies or the Twilighters, no, we've been around since the beginning of time--
Harvey Milk made up the middle.
I was convinced that the end was not written in stone; that one gay kid's death did not signify the end of a movement, or the beginning; it was just that, a piece of a "movement."
....Say what you will about the movie.
Yes, it's a bit long, yes, there IS a gay in a wheelchair, YES, the score hypes, but people, please: WE don't get films like this, with actors like this, treated with the time, passion, and RESPECT this movie got.
I don't mean WE as in the gays, or the blacks, or the gemeni's (holla), I mean WE as the under 40's who voted Obama,
said NO on 8,
and have the power to form the shapeless mass that Bush left us into something bigger then the bitterness.
I'm excited to talk about this movie.
YES, it would have pushed people's minds if it was released in a pre-post-prop-8 election, but you know what, that day is done.
We live in a world where people's rights can be pulled off willy-nilly.
And, seeing Harvey Milk state that to a group of people in recreated 1977 is horrifying.
Realizing its going on right outside your theater is embarrassing.
What this film gets right is the clarity of reflection:
What are WE doing, everyday, anyday, to change tomorrow?
Thank you, Harvey Milk.
You let a black queer twenty something pot smoking play promoting abomination of an ObamaNation cry like a faggot during the movie about your life.
Consider me recruited.