BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

1. "Avatar"
88 Million
*

So, if you've read the reviews, this is supposed to be pretty awesome and must-see-esque and groundbreaking and life changing and eyeball fucking and all that jazz.
Normally a picture like this--with this much heat and hype and, I don't know, insanity surrounding it--would open to 100 million plus and steam out after that, probally landing in the vicinity of about 250 Million.
Think "King Kong".
The mystery of "Avatar", however, is the Cameron factor.
His last indie film, "Titanic" (maybe you've heard of it?) opened with 28 million in 1997. It took the long road (as in the 9 month long road) and slowly became the biggest film of all time.
Many are saying "Avatar" has a shot at grabbing that goalpost, however, this is a highly untested property.
Since "Spiderman" broke the 100 million three-day mark in 2002, only a handful of films have pushed past that barrier.
ALL of these films have either been sequels ("Dark Knight", "Shrek 2", "Ass Moon") or superhero films ("Hancock").
Now, if you factor in the 3d aspect, which bascially transfers to a ticket and a half in normal box office dollars, this film should be doing gangbusters.
However, the general audience seems to be on the fence about this.
They'll read the reviews (which are great) but there seems to be an odd sense of "show me what you got".
In the end, that's not a bad thing.
People did the same thing with "Titanic". After months of hype about budget, disputes, and marketing (sound familiar?) the film opened small but played huge; operating on a word of mouth system that hasn't been matched.
People didn't want to see it, but when they did, they felt like this was a movie they had to support.
So. We'll see. This could either
A) Be the highest grossing movie domestically of all time
B) Be the highest grossing movie internationly and flop domestically
or
C) Be a complete and total flop that rivals "Heaven's Gate" and "Ishtar".
....That's hope for A or B.

2.
"The Princess and The Frog"
16 Million
*

On big movie weekends, all films tend to do a little better.
Espically black princess movies, such as--
....Oh, wait a second....

3.
"The Blind Side"
10 Million
*
There are only two things I like about this movie.
1. I enjoy Sandra Bullock in a way that can only be categorized as gaygaygay.
2. I love that this movie is kicking "New Moon" and forcing the creeepy Mormon sex farce to crawl back to it's grave.

4.
"Did You Hear About The Morgans?"
8.5 Million
*

No, actually, I didn't, and I don't really think anybody else has either.
It's a terrible little concept rom-com flick that deserves to surf the bottom of the Blockbuster 2 dollar barrel for eternity.
Shame on Sarah Jessica Parker!
What was she thinking/drinking--she jumps from the hugely populaur and succesful "Sex and the City" film to "Spinning Into Butter"--(a film so bad it was delayed three times and then dumped on home video)--and then she has the gall to crawl back with this tragic piece of trash.
This woman needs a reboot.
Is her marriage to barely closeted homosexual Matthew Brodrcik THAT terryfying that she must
A) Hire a surroagte Mother to give her TWINS so she has her arms full and can't hug Matthew
and
B) Flee New York City to film terrible toilet traps with the poor man's Hugh Grant--Hugh Grant himself.
Shame.

5. "Brothers"
5.5 Million
*

In a perfect world, this and "Morgans" would switch places.
Old people should love this movie. Letterman did!
Come on. Sexy young leads. Best of their generation.
Acting. Not like "acting acting", they're like ACTING acting!
Come on, Grandma!
No?
Oh--oh, you're seeing "Avatar" too? Ok. See you there!

.............................

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

Anyone intrested in Avatar?
There's some glowing reviews. I've already started crunching numbers; methinks December's box office is going to explode in a couple of days.
But first: black people take over your local cinema!

1. "The Princess and The Frog"
26 Million

This is going to do gangbusters.
1.
People Love Black People.
Evidence: "Preciouis", "Invictus", "I Can Do Bad All By Myself", Oprah, me.
2.
Black People Love Black People
First Black Disney Princess EVA! LOLOMGTTYLJKNKJKNK!
3.
2D is the new 3D (Until "Avatar")
All the hype is directed towards the LOOK of this film. When's the last time you saw a major studio attempt 2D animation? 2002. "Lilo and Stich".
Now, "P&F" will get over 100 million domestic, but it will take time. Look for the big numbers to slide in around Christmas time. Opening weekend isn't as important as the dead zone that's known as the middle of January, or, as I like to call it:
The land that time forgot.

2.
"Invictus"
17 Million

People love Clint Eastwood. Like, love him enough to see him play an old racist.
They also love historical dramas and sports movies.
Come on, people. This is like mixing "Driving Miss Daisy" with "The Blind Side".
Everybody goes home happy and rich and sleepy.
Like "Princess", this film isn't about the opening numbers. It's going for the gold--oscar baby, all the way. Look for Freeman, Eastwood, and editing noms. This will play well into Feb. and have a long life on home video. Also, overseas numbers look very promising, with support from African and U.K territories.

3.
"The Blind Side"
13 Million

A few weeks ago, I predicted Bullocks Savior Porn would only clock in with a 15 million weekend. Boy was I wrong.
This steamroller is going to coast to about 200 million, and if--
if--
Bullock gets the oscar nomination, it could get to about 220.
I haven't seen this trite piece of shit, but I love Ms. Bullock. She deserves every award thrown in Hilary Swank's general direction.

4.
"2012"
9 Million

This just in: Audiences love Savior Porn move then Disaster Porn.
Does this mean that 2012 is a myth, a promise, or a rental?
Stay tuned.

5.
"A Christmas Carol"

I saw this nifty little piece of pluck about a month ago.
Fun movie. Great visuals. Carrey's funny and the film is fluid as a river.
But compared to the walking, talking, swearing/flying/dying/emoting blue people of James Cameron's "Avatar", "Carol" never stood a chance.
In five days every 3D screen in the country will be lost to "Avatar", and Disney will have a tough piece of luggage to push onto the conveyor belt.
People want to see this movie, but they also want to open their gifts on Christmas morning.
No one goes to see Christmas movies in early November; this film should have opened the week after Thanksgiving, had a huge opening, and coasted on good will until the New Year.
Now? It'll be lucky if it limps to 150 domestic.
...The Box Office is a cruel mistress. Or Mister. Or hooker.
I like the latter.

BOX OFFICE

1.The Blind Side:
20.4 Million

............So, I was a few off. Still. It's the thought that counts, right?
This might get close to 200 million. Isn't that great? Bullock's biggest hit yet. (That sounds like a 70's snuff film.)
What does this mean? 3 things.
1. Oscar nomination.
It's going to happen. It has to. The 00's have been a weak decade for actress Oscars (Hilary Swank?!!?!?!? Twice?!?!?!?!) and "the people" love this movie.
2. The South Wins
By "the people" I mean the people who watch "So You Think You Can Dance" and think "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" was snubbed for a Best Picture Oscar. Expect more touching, heartwrenching, vom-inducing family football blockbusters.
3. Meryl Streep is Not Alone!
At 45, Sandra Bullock is more bankable then Julia Robbert--who gets paid a LOT more for what she doesn't do.

2. Twilight: Ass Moon
15 Million

I hate how they're calling this a saga. This isn't Star Wars. This isn't even Lady Gaga. It's some half baked virgin porn written by a Mormon Moron with bestiality issues.
This will top off at around 280 million. Mark. My. Words.

3. Brothers
9 Million

(I was dead on with this prediction.) I'm surprised this film didn't pull in more, considering that most people surely thought this was an urban drama starring Cuba Gooding Jr.

4. A Christmas Carol
7.5 Million

Disney will do ANYTHING to get this to 150 million before Avatar takes away all their 3D screens.
First born children were sold to get this film made.

5. Old Dogs
6.9 Million.

Remember "the people" I mentioned? Yeah. They LOVE this movie.

How To Survive a Post Show Hangover

So, everything went great and the reviews are awesome and the audience loved you and now you wanna go get shitfaced.
Some people would say "drink responsibly" or "make sure you don't go overboard".
Fuck em.
This is your time to act like a fool and say 72 things you're going to regret in the morning and/or the rest of your life.
So go all out.
Start the night with beer bongs and end with tequilla shots.
Put gin and jack and an apple in a blender and see what happens.
Do body shots off the usher--they love it!
Now, the fall out.
I'm going to tell you how to survive the day after the best night of your life.

1.
DRINK WATER
You won't remember to do it during the night, so do it first thing in the morning.
If you want you can drink some OJ or carrot juice, but nothing works as good as water.
Well, maybe a time machine that could toss you to back to last night so you can avoid the massive whiplash and the soul-crushing-pain of the present.
But if you can't afford the technology, nothing restarts your body like H20.

2.
TAKE A SHOWER
Alternate between hot and cold water for about 10 minutes.
You'll feel freaking amazing.
I don't know who thought of this and I'm not trying to be racist but let's just call this "an irish tradition".

3.
PIG OUT
This is your excuse to devour any piece of shit you want to shove your face with. Mcdonald's is great.
Potbelly's is perfection.
The best hangover killers contain LOTS and LOTS of starch.
Eating rice with eggs is amazing (and maybe kind of healthy, I don't know, I'm not freaking Martha Stewart.)

4.
STAND UP
Don't lay down the whole day. True, sleep is an important part of the recovery process, but if you're awake you can't just lie down and feel sorry for yourself.
Why?
Well because a) it's pathetic and b) you need to TRAIN your body.
Think of hangovers as fire drills for the apocolypse.
It's going to happen whether you like it or not--but are you (wo)man enough to survive?
You're going to have to go to work in a few hours; train your body to stand up and look like you give a rats ass.

5.
SMOKE WEED
You HAVE to.
Sure, you can swallow 90 pills for your headache and mix herbel such-and-such with that stomach relaxer you got from Walgreens,
but the only thing that's going to take away the brain-squeezing pain of THE WORST HANGOVER OF YOUR LIFE is by toking a hardcore major bowl.
Weed relaxes your body.
Sure, it's not going to cure your entire hangover, but stomach pain is one of the most uncomfortable things EVER.
Take a few hits and get on with the day. Besides, if you tell everyone your hungover, they're probally just going to assume you're baked anyway, so why not take this tradgey to the next level?
Now, the most important thing to remember--more important then rice and weed and praying to God for the pain to be over--
THIS.WILL.HAPPEN.AGAIN.
And, unless you turn into a total nun, you're not going to want to drink responsiliby.
So make up for your mistakes later, and remember:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS: FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4TH

1. "The Blind Side"

22 Million
Everybody is eating up this male-version-of-"Preciouis"-savior-porn-oscar-bait like it's ice cream in July.
I love Sandra Bullock.
LOVE Sandra Bullock.
But the only thing that's worse then disaster porn ("2012") is savior porn.

2. "Twilight: Ass Moon"

So this is huge. But not crossover-take-your-brother-and-Mother-and-baby-daddies-frienemy huge.
This is tween girl huge.
It'll cap out at around 280 million, which is an immense amount for a film that cost 50 million to make.
But is 280 million enough to buy back the soul of talented screenwriter Mellisa Rosenberg?
Twilight: 50 Million to make, 280 final gross.
Mellisa's Screenwriting Soul: Priceless.

3. "Brothers"

9 Million
What happens when you put Queen Amadalia, The Prince of Persia, and Spiderman in the same movie?
Millions of people wait for the rental.

4. "Old Dogs"

7.5 Million
This should already be on DVD.
And on fire.

5. "Armored"

Jesus. Really? REALLY? Laurence Fishburne, really? First CSI/NCIS/OMG/LOL and then THIS?
I think I saw this on TNT last year with bleeped out language and blurry spots over the nudity.

The National Board of Review -------OR-------- The Oscar Season Has Begun!

The NBR is the first big list out.
It sets the bar. Paves the way.
It's been around since 1909. Critics, scholars, academics--these people are smart.
Now, there's a lot that hasn't been seen yet (Nine, Avatar) but the ten films they picked should be pretty freaking awesome.
However, they're known for some weird tastes and a massive case of o.p.s (old-people-syndrome.)
One of their most shocking inclusions happened two years ago, when they got drunk and picked "The Bucket List" for one of their ten spots.
The list for '09 is:

Best Film:
Up In The Air

Top Eleven Films (In alphabetical order):
An Education
(500) Days Of Summer
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Invictus
The Messenger
A Serious Man
Star Trek
Up
Up In The Air
Where The Wild Things Are

Best Director:
Clint Eastwood, Invictus

Best Actor:
Morgan Freeman, Invictus and George Clooney, Up In The Air (tie)

Best Actress:
Carey Mulligan, An Education

Best Supporting Actor:
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger

Best Supporting Actress:
Anna Kendrick, Up In The Air

Best Foreign Film:
A Prophet

Best Documentary:
The Cove

Best Animated Feature:
Up

Best Ensemble Cast:
It’s Complicated

Breakthrough Performance by an Actor:
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Breakthrough Performance by an Actress:
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious

Spotlight Award for Best Directorial Debut:
Duncan Jones, Moon, Oren Moverman,
The Messenger and Marc Webb, 500 Days of Summer (tie)

Best Original Screenplay:
Joel & Ethan Coen, A Serious Man

Best Adapted Screenplay:
Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air

Special Filmmaking Achievement Award:
Wes Anderson, The Fantastic Mr. Fox

William K. Everson Film History Award:
Jean Picker Firstenberg

NBR Freedom of Expression:
Burma Vj: Reporting From A Closed Country,
Invictus,
The Most Dangerous Man In America: Daniel Ellseberg And The Pentagon Papers

Top Ten Independent Films (In alphabetical order):
Amreeka
District 9
Goodbye Solo
Humpday
In The Loop
Julia
Me And Orson Welles
Moon
Sugar
Two Lovers

Top Six Foreign Films (In alphabetical order):
The Maid
A Prophet
Revanche
Song Of Sparrows
Three Monkeys
The White Ribbon

Top Six Documentary Films (In alphabetical order):
Burma Vj: Reporting From A Closed Country
The Cove
Crude
Food, Inc.
Good Hair
The Most Dangerous Man In America: Daniel Ellsberg And The Pentagon Papers

"Get" Glee: Episode 12, "MATRESS"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.................................................
One baby-mama-drama down, one to go.
In the most dramatic scene of the series twelve episodes, Will and Terri had a good old fashioned kitchen-sink fight which resulted in the WORST SUBPLOT ON FOX TELEVISION going the way of the dodo--
Gone forever, but never forgotten.
Since the pregnancy subplot is most people's only real gripe with the show, "Glee" viewers will be a lot more comfortable voicing their excitement for next week's finale. Gone are the days of Jessica Gilsig plotting like a Disney villain with her chunky-monkey sister. The un-funny pre-natal jokes.
The writers coming up with reasons for Will and his wife not touching each other?
GOODBYE, FOREVER!
In one tiny scene, "Glee" repaired it's sinking ship.
"Mattress" was all about throwing out the garbage. Finally, the strange little subplot-babies that have been growing up all season are now ready to get the hell out of the house.
...........................................
1.
"Coaches and Guidance Counselor's Make The Stupidest Decisions In The World"
Tanaka and Pilsbury's wedding is NEXT WEEK.
And not a moment too soon. Tanaka's jealousy of Sheuester is both pathetic and kinda gay. And what a MASTER manipulator. By planning the wedding on the same day as sectionals, Tanaka not only creates major drama with his fiance, but allows "Glee" to have the option of showing a heartbreaking wedding scene OR a jaw-dropping "Runaway Bride" sequence.
Thanks Tanaka!
2.
"Sue Sylvester is Fucking Insane"
I thought I was the only one who thought that Sue's lack of a master plan was coming off as VERY "Single White Female." Now that Shuester (who might be the stupidest smart guy ever) realizes that the Sue's exit strategy makes George Bush look like a genius, we're free to openly root for Sue's downfall.
Screw the D.S sister in the nursing home. Sue's just bored, and however funny calling someone "ugly and annoying" on live TV might be, it still deserves payback.
Let's hope a slushie in the face is waiting right down the hall.
3.
"Baby Mama Drama pt 2"
This is the only stopping point in next week's proposed awesomeness. Does anybody really care about Quinn and her fucking emotional issues?
She's a liar, a pervert, a cheater, a leaver, a loser. The actress that plays her is a terrible singer and dancer.
She's uncomfortable to watch and is better fit basking in the limelight of a CW primetime drama then on TV'S saddest show.
Can she just become a "Wildcat" already and dance with Zac and Vanessa?
.......................................
So, after next week "Glee" is taking the spring off.
Like, until MARCH.
As sad as that fact may be, we're left with 13 episodes.
Groundwork.
The creators told a complete story that will FINALLY be resolved at next week sectionals. There was a beginning, a middle, and as we're crossing the finish line it's time to reflect on the immense feat of storytelling that FOX (of ALL networks) attempted.
In every episode we have characters singing songs from the bottom of their hearts. 9 times out of 10, these numbers progress their characters not only to the next scene, but the next episode.
Most musicals have a hard enough time making their characters interesting for two hours; "Glee" has kept this going for over half a season.
Bravo.
THE BEST:
-Sue's Monologue.
-The entire Mattress leaping musical number.
-The showdown between the Shuesters.
-The finale, "Smile", which was possibly the saddest thing the show has done through song. Jesus, these kids are walking ads for Prozac prescriptions.

GRADE:
Musical Numbers: B
Gayness: B
Dialogue: A (Nice job, Ryan Murphy)
Toxic Insanity: A
Sub-Plot-Cleanup: A

G.P.A: 3.5

THEATER REVIEW: HOLES

Reviewed by Ike Holter
......................................
There's nothing like an audience of over caffeinated kids cramped into a downtown theater on the dark side of 10am. They squeal. They spill. They scream.
These tortures usually stop a show cold, but, in the case of "Holes", the audience plays an active part in the enjoyment of the new play from Depaul Theater's Playwork's series.
Adapted from his award winning young adult, Louis Sachar creates a world where teenage delinquents serve time digging holes in the desert. Andrew Goetten plays Stanley Yelynats (yes, his first name is his last name spelled backwards)-- a sweet kid serving what could become a death sentence digging deep pits in the hot heat. Goetten is wonderful with the fish-out-of-water scenario the plays demands; he's an outcast in a sea of outcasts. Lucy Sandy (a girl!) plays Zero, Stanley's only confident in the soul sucking wasteland lorded over by the Warden (a shocking and effective Meg Elliot). Mark Thomas Boergers and Conor McChail are stellar as the Warden's henchmen; at first cute and comedic, then terrifyingly imposing.
When Stanley and Zero discover the Warden's real reason for digging massive holes in the earth, the play becomes a comedic-adventure that touches on race, class, and family history.
The play includes flashback segments that play directly into Stanley's adventures in the desert. Rashaad Hall and Katherine Cobb do great work in a shocking subplot that's THIS close to being too adult for young audiences (but aren't those always the best?)
The play opts for a "grown up" sense of style and pacing; there's no sight gags or cheap-thrills in John Jenkins direction. Instead of pandering, the play asks the young audience to step up and focus on the story at hand.
And the best part? The audience WANTS to step up. Once the play settled into it's rhythm, The audience of 300 5th graders were at the edge of their seats, watching "Holes" with the same kind of attention that's reserved for a night out at the movies.