How To Survive a Post Show Hangover

So, everything went great and the reviews are awesome and the audience loved you and now you wanna go get shitfaced.
Some people would say "drink responsibly" or "make sure you don't go overboard".
Fuck em.
This is your time to act like a fool and say 72 things you're going to regret in the morning and/or the rest of your life.
So go all out.
Start the night with beer bongs and end with tequilla shots.
Put gin and jack and an apple in a blender and see what happens.
Do body shots off the usher--they love it!
Now, the fall out.
I'm going to tell you how to survive the day after the best night of your life.

1.
DRINK WATER
You won't remember to do it during the night, so do it first thing in the morning.
If you want you can drink some OJ or carrot juice, but nothing works as good as water.
Well, maybe a time machine that could toss you to back to last night so you can avoid the massive whiplash and the soul-crushing-pain of the present.
But if you can't afford the technology, nothing restarts your body like H20.

2.
TAKE A SHOWER
Alternate between hot and cold water for about 10 minutes.
You'll feel freaking amazing.
I don't know who thought of this and I'm not trying to be racist but let's just call this "an irish tradition".

3.
PIG OUT
This is your excuse to devour any piece of shit you want to shove your face with. Mcdonald's is great.
Potbelly's is perfection.
The best hangover killers contain LOTS and LOTS of starch.
Eating rice with eggs is amazing (and maybe kind of healthy, I don't know, I'm not freaking Martha Stewart.)

4.
STAND UP
Don't lay down the whole day. True, sleep is an important part of the recovery process, but if you're awake you can't just lie down and feel sorry for yourself.
Why?
Well because a) it's pathetic and b) you need to TRAIN your body.
Think of hangovers as fire drills for the apocolypse.
It's going to happen whether you like it or not--but are you (wo)man enough to survive?
You're going to have to go to work in a few hours; train your body to stand up and look like you give a rats ass.

5.
SMOKE WEED
You HAVE to.
Sure, you can swallow 90 pills for your headache and mix herbel such-and-such with that stomach relaxer you got from Walgreens,
but the only thing that's going to take away the brain-squeezing pain of THE WORST HANGOVER OF YOUR LIFE is by toking a hardcore major bowl.
Weed relaxes your body.
Sure, it's not going to cure your entire hangover, but stomach pain is one of the most uncomfortable things EVER.
Take a few hits and get on with the day. Besides, if you tell everyone your hungover, they're probally just going to assume you're baked anyway, so why not take this tradgey to the next level?
Now, the most important thing to remember--more important then rice and weed and praying to God for the pain to be over--
THIS.WILL.HAPPEN.AGAIN.
And, unless you turn into a total nun, you're not going to want to drink responsiliby.
So make up for your mistakes later, and remember:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!