"Get" Lost-Season 6, Episode 3

"What Kate Did" OR "Return Of The Jedi"
or
"KATEHATER"
....................
Before things get all out of control, let's try to remember that Kate comes from a broken home.
Her Mom is a total WitchBitch.
Kate got arrested. Like, twice.
Then she killed her Father.
Then she gOt sentenced to the closest thing this world has to purgatory. (I'm ignoring New Jersey.)
So, the girl's got issues.
Now.
If you were bottom-of-the-slime-pit-cock-tease-whiny-snot-nosed-muck-about-Kate Austen, how would you handle your new freedom?
Would you:
A) Flee to Canada, swim to Cambodia; get farfarfaraway from the American Justice system that wants to see you dead.
B) Say you're sorry to your Mother. Hug some old high school friends. Have a Dairy Queen for the last time.
or
C) Hop in a cab, threaten people with your stolen gun, run over some guys luggage, get a random body-builder dude to bust you outta your cuffs, drop off your hostage, look through her shit, then pick her BACK UP, help her run some errands, then take her to the hospital so she can have her baby.
..........
If you choose C then you're a nittywitty clusterfucker and I have no time for you.
Kate blows massive chunks. Like, if she was the Titanic then people would have been counting down the minutes till that bith hit the iceberg.
Was she dropped on her head as a baby?
(Well, probably.)
But still! WHO DOES THINGS LIKE THIS?!
EVEN IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE?!?!
GRRRRRRAAAAGH I hate Kate I hate Kate I HATE KATE!
I could spend hours discussing the mass stupidity that lies in this woman's wake.
Which is sad. Because three hours into the last season of the BEST SHOW ON TV I have to deal with the fact this this evil Gerbil is polluting my life with her hateful stares and her odd and uncomfortable way of humping dead air.
GRRRRRAGGHH....
...BREATHE....breathe....breathe.
Ok.
So, on "Lost" we had a Kate Episode.
...And you know what THAT means(Fight it, fight it)...It means we were in for a very "special" episode of "Lost".
One where reality and common sense are as strange and foreign as unicorns or Blackula.
One where up is down and down is up and left is right.
Let's...Let's start this out by talking about everybody else but Kate so I can REALLY just tell it like it is, OK?
So, Sayid's alive again.
And not like zombiealive, not like Jacob crawled into his body (Even though I TOTALLY thought that was the case.)
No, he seems to be normal Sayid.
Trouble is? He's tortured by FooManCooCooKaChoo (oh the irony!) and asked to swallow a pill that will KILL his ass DEAD.
Jack is in the familiar position of healerhelper dude, but lately I don't think he has it in him.
Ever since his grand plan of setting of the H bomb didn't work (and how many times has setting of an H bomb every worked out for the better?) Jack seems like he's on a one man rollercoaster to hell.
He doesn't seem to care about being efficent or proper; hell no.
Even FooManCooCooKaChoo saw that; now he's playing with Jack emotions, being all like "if you want to save your friends you must listen to me" and whatnot.
I don't know. I don't trust FooManCooCooKachoo anymore then HarryPotterWitchBitch, but then again I'm not Jack.
But even "Where's my daddy" JACK is smarter then that toaster-strudel-strumpet-slut Kate Austen (fight it, FIGHT IT)
..........
No, you know what, FUCK IT.
This was a Kate episode and it's time to talk about Kate.
WHAT IS THIS WOMAN THINKING?
So you loved this dude for 108 days.
Sawyer. He's a hot piece of ass and it's a dry beach and you once had sex in animal cages.
You like him.
But then you let him jump off a plane and you don't see him for three years.
Bum-mer.
Meanwhile, you're fucking his best-friend/mortal enemy and raising a baby that YOU STOLE from YOUR BEST FRIEND and the only person who could tolerate your shady skanky selfish ways.
Basically, you're a freak of nature and you deserve to be judged in front of a smoke monster.
But no. You get another chance to make things right.
So you blow up an H bomb.
Sawyer's girlfriend dies but you're all like "whatev", and start the whole puppydog thing again on a man who has JUST LOST THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.
Then you get taken to a temple. Instead of saving your friends, you decide to follow this veryverySAD and ANGRY man to the house he shared with a woman who is MUCH COOLER then you--and then you watch him mourn.
Just because, you know, it's a Tuesday.
FUCK you Kate.
Fuck you in BOTH timelines.
Back in 04', Kate is like a hurricane of Hate.
What must go on in the writers room?
.......
HEAD-WRITER
So. Looks like we have to have a Kate episode.
EVERYONE
Oh, fuuuuuuck me (etc)
HEAD-WRITER
Hey, hey--I know! I know. We all know she sucks, the audience knows she blows, hell, even Evangelical or whatever-
JJ ABRAHMS
Evangaline Lilly.
HEAD-WRITER
Yeah, whatever. What the hell are you doing here?
JJ
Stealing ideas for Mission Impossible 4.
HEAD-WRITER
Go to the "Fringe" set and do that, willya?
Jesus.
Now, we're gonna have a Kate episode, so, let's just get it out of the way NOW so we don't have to do it LATER.
EVERYONE
...OOOOOOH.
HEAD-WRITER
You get me?
EVERYONE
Right on, sock it to me!
HEAD-WRITER
...You guys should be writing for "Gary Unmarried"
........
That's probably how it all went down.
No, really.
Guys.
THIS.IS.OUR.LAST.KATE.EPISODE.EVER.
This is a happy time!
No longer will we have to look at her assbackwards antics for a full episode! No more will Evangaline Lilly have to show us how well she can pout, ponder, and postulate!
Oh, and how she postulated!
Girl was just all over the place, wasn't she?
Why doesn't Sawyer just DROWN the woman? If I had just lost the love of my life and my ex was all like "sucks for you, but look at me, I'm wearing a sweaty tanktop!"
I would have gone nutso pajamas; justifiably!
...So, Claire's back in the mix, too. Her and Kate go well together. Like a hangover and McDonalds.
I imagine a night on the town with Kate and Claire as being very Sex and the City.
"Let's steal a cab!"
"Ye-ah! Then let's go snoop on the woman who's adopting my baby!"
"And then she'll turn you down and you'll drop water on her doorstep!"
"Those stains NEVER come out!"
"You go girl!"
...I like Claire. So, we'll just assume that hanging out with Kate is like getting abducted by Linsday Lohan. You're going to do some crazy, unfathomable shit, but it's all forgiven because you've been abducted by a power-drunk-witchbitch.
Anything goes.
Now, what was the creepy doctor (who's also Tom Cruise's cousin) doing in the hospital?!
I guess because the island has een underground since 1977, he had to go to the mainland with his family.
Same with Ben! Same with Miles!
The island doesn't really exist for them; it wasn't a big part of their lives.
Now these freaks of nature are forced to work normal jobs, just like the rest of us.
(I bet Ben's a janitor or some shit.)
Anyway, I hope we move away from Kate-on-the-run story-lines in the alternate universe.
(Or maybe she'll get arrested by Michelle Rodreigez and they can have several scenes of cryptic-speech with occasional ass-kickings? Might be fun.)
Anyway, the closer of this episode was the real kicker.
What the fuck is Claire doing with a gun? Looking all Rosseau-esque and shit.
Has the poison gotten to her brain?
Apparently.
I wonder what "the poison" is. Actually, that's a HUGE mystery that's been cloaked over the whole series.
The minute we begin to hear Claire speak, I think we'll get a better understanding on what this "blackness" is.
I'm SO excited to hear about "the blackness".
So. This was our last Kate episode. Let's all drink to her--
Here's to Kate. She's a dumb silly toaster-strudel-strumpet-slut--but she gave us a lot to bitch about.
To Kate!
-ikeblog