Let's look at this first three episodes of the best show on television as a "trilogy", OK?
The first one sets the rules.
The second one rewrites the rules.
The third one blows everything to shit and then it's back to the drawing board.
Over the past two weeks, "Lost" has taken us from the heights of "A New Hope" down to the swampy depths of Ewoks and Kate Austen.
"A New Hope" or "LAX: Pt 1"
We begin at the beginning of the end.
Jack, drunk.
Shaking plane.
Stewardess who may be hitting on everyone in first class.
But wait--why is she handing Jack one bottle of vodka instead of two?
Why is Rose totally fine with flying and Jack is the one shaking like a bitch?
WHY DID DESMOND JUST POP UP BEHIND JACK?!?!?!
All of our expectations, everything we've been trained to watch out for, was gone as Jack and co. sailed over the island--now buried beneath the sea.
Was I the only who who got choked up?
I know that the island killed, like, HUNDREDS of people, but at the same time the island is the reason Rose is still alive. It's the reason Locke could walk again. It's what brought Juliet and Sawyer together--but now, it's not there anymore.
We see how the characters NEED the island more then the island needs them.
In the last "off island" scenes of the episode, Kate is being hauled to prison, Charlie nearly Od's in the bathroom, and Locke has to be helped off of the plane in his wheelchair.
I wanted Guyliner to turn up and ask these people if they could take it all back.
I mean, lets look at the facts here.
Last season, Juliet and co basically created another UNIVERSE.
Lemme say that again.
THEY.CREATED.ANOTHER.UNIVERSE.
Do you know how much responsibility that puts on a person?
Even in X Men, Jean Grey (as Dark Phoniex) had to explode a plant BILLIONS of light years away, because the idea of humans having so much power makes these people beyond godlike; it makes them Cameron-esque and Spielburgian.
Are the "on-island" folks going to have to stop this alternate timeline from happening? Can they?
This is some deep sci-fi shit.
"The Empire Strikes Back" OR "LAX: Pt 2"
The '70's are SO over.
Now that all the losties are in the same timeline, does that mean we can see the teary hello of Jin and Sun?
I might cry. (But to be perfectly honest I always fast forward through the subtitled scenes; I read really fast and I don't have time to watch alternate timeline Jin be a total asshole to Sun. I'm not racist I just know how it goes.)
In this episode, we meet the new HarryPotterWitchBitch--and I shall call him FooManCooCooKachoo, because this motherfucka is one crazy crackerjacker.
He got crazy eyes and whatnot.
Now, I like the idea of the Losties being trapped in the Temple, but please, PLEASE give us some answers, FooManCooCooKachoo.
He knows more then anyone on the island (except Guyliner), but he keeps acting like a little Nancy bitch about it.
Isn't this the last season? AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO GET ANSWERS?
Whatever.
Like any true sequel, the tension must intensify. Sayid nearly died, guys.
To be honest, I was totally freaked.
Let's ignore the fact that if Sayid dies then we will never see the buff bristled body of Naveen Andrews--who cares?--if Said dies, then the brownest people left on the island are Sun, Jin, and that weird Tomb Raider bitch by the beach.
LIVE LIFE IN TECHNICOLOR, SAYID!
But it seems like the temple fixes people.
Or makes them worse.
Isn't this the same temple that little Ben went into?
Hmmmm.
Now, meanwhile, the people at the beach--let's just call them the Beachies--are dealing with the fact that Guyliner is no longer the creepiest fucker around.
Now it's Locke. Or smoke monster. Or MockLocke. (Yes!)
Anyway, MockLocke is one creepy motherfucker who can turn into smoke monster and then back into creepy Locke.
Let's think back for a second--ALL LAST SEASON Locke was SOMEBODY ELSE.
Doesn't that make you just want to watch it all over again?
Like that scene where he goes with Ben under the temple and Locke's all like "I can't go down there".
Well, he REALLY meant "I'm hiding my evil monster qualites until you aren't looking, so now I can suprise you and when you get back up here pretend like nothing's wrong."
Shit is FUCKED UP!
Anyway, more off island Marvel-style-alternate-universe-mumbo-jumbo.
Back on LAX, Jack offers Locke a buisness card.
It seems that our bold and fearless leader thinks he can FIX Locke.
Dudes got SERIOUS problems. (Jack, not Locke.)
BUT--Jack's Father is gone?
Where the fuck is he? There's no island for him to slip away to...And a coffin isn't just something you misplace...so what gives?
And why can't Locke find his knives?
And why is Kate's bodyguard such an idiot that he allows her to go to the bathroom with the stall open? Didn't this guy watch "The Fugitive"?
I don't want to pile to much into Kate, but MAN is that bitch one slippery flipper.
Girl can't keep her shit together!
By doing some Maguyver shit, she frees herself, knocks out The Bodyguard, and basically just slips out of one of the biggest airports in the world.
...And waits for a cab.
Let's try to think like Kate, just for a second.
Ok.
So, your crazy plot has gone off without any hooks, bells or whistles--good for you!
Do you
A) Run like hell, as far as you can get, just go.
B) Hide in the airport and get a really sweet disguise so you don't look like a total spaz.
or
C) Take the elevator with police officers, wait in line for a taxi, and then abuse and assault a pregnant woman while the Puppet guy from Heroes drives off.
Hmmm.
........
Kate's one crazy bitch. I don't have enough time to tax her stupidity here, but she's gonna get audited in a few months and then she'll see how all her crazy adds up.
WHATEVER.
Crazy thing though? Claire's in the cab too!
Are all these people DESTINED to keep bumping into each other?
I'm very confused as to how this off-island drama is going to play out.
This could either be the best thing in the series or the most confusing b-story ever.
I hope it's the former because I fear the latter.
All in all, these two episodes were "Lost" in top form: comedy, drama, action, pathos.
In the next blog, I will tackle "What Kate Did" or "Return of The Jedi".
...God I hate Kate.
BUT I LOVE "LOST!"
Ikeblog
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