"Get" Lost-Season 6, Episode 3

"What Kate Did" OR "Return Of The Jedi"
or
"KATEHATER"
....................
Before things get all out of control, let's try to remember that Kate comes from a broken home.
Her Mom is a total WitchBitch.
Kate got arrested. Like, twice.
Then she killed her Father.
Then she gOt sentenced to the closest thing this world has to purgatory. (I'm ignoring New Jersey.)
So, the girl's got issues.
Now.
If you were bottom-of-the-slime-pit-cock-tease-whiny-snot-nosed-muck-about-Kate Austen, how would you handle your new freedom?
Would you:
A) Flee to Canada, swim to Cambodia; get farfarfaraway from the American Justice system that wants to see you dead.
B) Say you're sorry to your Mother. Hug some old high school friends. Have a Dairy Queen for the last time.
or
C) Hop in a cab, threaten people with your stolen gun, run over some guys luggage, get a random body-builder dude to bust you outta your cuffs, drop off your hostage, look through her shit, then pick her BACK UP, help her run some errands, then take her to the hospital so she can have her baby.
..........
If you choose C then you're a nittywitty clusterfucker and I have no time for you.
Kate blows massive chunks. Like, if she was the Titanic then people would have been counting down the minutes till that bith hit the iceberg.
Was she dropped on her head as a baby?
(Well, probably.)
But still! WHO DOES THINGS LIKE THIS?!
EVEN IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE?!?!
GRRRRRRAAAAGH I hate Kate I hate Kate I HATE KATE!
I could spend hours discussing the mass stupidity that lies in this woman's wake.
Which is sad. Because three hours into the last season of the BEST SHOW ON TV I have to deal with the fact this this evil Gerbil is polluting my life with her hateful stares and her odd and uncomfortable way of humping dead air.
GRRRRRAGGHH....
...BREATHE....breathe....breathe.
Ok.
So, on "Lost" we had a Kate Episode.
...And you know what THAT means(Fight it, fight it)...It means we were in for a very "special" episode of "Lost".
One where reality and common sense are as strange and foreign as unicorns or Blackula.
One where up is down and down is up and left is right.
Let's...Let's start this out by talking about everybody else but Kate so I can REALLY just tell it like it is, OK?
So, Sayid's alive again.
And not like zombiealive, not like Jacob crawled into his body (Even though I TOTALLY thought that was the case.)
No, he seems to be normal Sayid.
Trouble is? He's tortured by FooManCooCooKaChoo (oh the irony!) and asked to swallow a pill that will KILL his ass DEAD.
Jack is in the familiar position of healerhelper dude, but lately I don't think he has it in him.
Ever since his grand plan of setting of the H bomb didn't work (and how many times has setting of an H bomb every worked out for the better?) Jack seems like he's on a one man rollercoaster to hell.
He doesn't seem to care about being efficent or proper; hell no.
Even FooManCooCooKaChoo saw that; now he's playing with Jack emotions, being all like "if you want to save your friends you must listen to me" and whatnot.
I don't know. I don't trust FooManCooCooKachoo anymore then HarryPotterWitchBitch, but then again I'm not Jack.
But even "Where's my daddy" JACK is smarter then that toaster-strudel-strumpet-slut Kate Austen (fight it, FIGHT IT)
..........
No, you know what, FUCK IT.
This was a Kate episode and it's time to talk about Kate.
WHAT IS THIS WOMAN THINKING?
So you loved this dude for 108 days.
Sawyer. He's a hot piece of ass and it's a dry beach and you once had sex in animal cages.
You like him.
But then you let him jump off a plane and you don't see him for three years.
Bum-mer.
Meanwhile, you're fucking his best-friend/mortal enemy and raising a baby that YOU STOLE from YOUR BEST FRIEND and the only person who could tolerate your shady skanky selfish ways.
Basically, you're a freak of nature and you deserve to be judged in front of a smoke monster.
But no. You get another chance to make things right.
So you blow up an H bomb.
Sawyer's girlfriend dies but you're all like "whatev", and start the whole puppydog thing again on a man who has JUST LOST THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.
Then you get taken to a temple. Instead of saving your friends, you decide to follow this veryverySAD and ANGRY man to the house he shared with a woman who is MUCH COOLER then you--and then you watch him mourn.
Just because, you know, it's a Tuesday.
FUCK you Kate.
Fuck you in BOTH timelines.
Back in 04', Kate is like a hurricane of Hate.
What must go on in the writers room?
.......
HEAD-WRITER
So. Looks like we have to have a Kate episode.
EVERYONE
Oh, fuuuuuuck me (etc)
HEAD-WRITER
Hey, hey--I know! I know. We all know she sucks, the audience knows she blows, hell, even Evangelical or whatever-
JJ ABRAHMS
Evangaline Lilly.
HEAD-WRITER
Yeah, whatever. What the hell are you doing here?
JJ
Stealing ideas for Mission Impossible 4.
HEAD-WRITER
Go to the "Fringe" set and do that, willya?
Jesus.
Now, we're gonna have a Kate episode, so, let's just get it out of the way NOW so we don't have to do it LATER.
EVERYONE
...OOOOOOH.
HEAD-WRITER
You get me?
EVERYONE
Right on, sock it to me!
HEAD-WRITER
...You guys should be writing for "Gary Unmarried"
........
That's probably how it all went down.
No, really.
Guys.
THIS.IS.OUR.LAST.KATE.EPISODE.EVER.
This is a happy time!
No longer will we have to look at her assbackwards antics for a full episode! No more will Evangaline Lilly have to show us how well she can pout, ponder, and postulate!
Oh, and how she postulated!
Girl was just all over the place, wasn't she?
Why doesn't Sawyer just DROWN the woman? If I had just lost the love of my life and my ex was all like "sucks for you, but look at me, I'm wearing a sweaty tanktop!"
I would have gone nutso pajamas; justifiably!
...So, Claire's back in the mix, too. Her and Kate go well together. Like a hangover and McDonalds.
I imagine a night on the town with Kate and Claire as being very Sex and the City.
"Let's steal a cab!"
"Ye-ah! Then let's go snoop on the woman who's adopting my baby!"
"And then she'll turn you down and you'll drop water on her doorstep!"
"Those stains NEVER come out!"
"You go girl!"
...I like Claire. So, we'll just assume that hanging out with Kate is like getting abducted by Linsday Lohan. You're going to do some crazy, unfathomable shit, but it's all forgiven because you've been abducted by a power-drunk-witchbitch.
Anything goes.
Now, what was the creepy doctor (who's also Tom Cruise's cousin) doing in the hospital?!
I guess because the island has een underground since 1977, he had to go to the mainland with his family.
Same with Ben! Same with Miles!
The island doesn't really exist for them; it wasn't a big part of their lives.
Now these freaks of nature are forced to work normal jobs, just like the rest of us.
(I bet Ben's a janitor or some shit.)
Anyway, I hope we move away from Kate-on-the-run story-lines in the alternate universe.
(Or maybe she'll get arrested by Michelle Rodreigez and they can have several scenes of cryptic-speech with occasional ass-kickings? Might be fun.)
Anyway, the closer of this episode was the real kicker.
What the fuck is Claire doing with a gun? Looking all Rosseau-esque and shit.
Has the poison gotten to her brain?
Apparently.
I wonder what "the poison" is. Actually, that's a HUGE mystery that's been cloaked over the whole series.
The minute we begin to hear Claire speak, I think we'll get a better understanding on what this "blackness" is.
I'm SO excited to hear about "the blackness".
So. This was our last Kate episode. Let's all drink to her--
Here's to Kate. She's a dumb silly toaster-strudel-strumpet-slut--but she gave us a lot to bitch about.
To Kate!
-ikeblog

"Get" LOST-Season 6, Episodes 1-2

Let's look at this first three episodes of the best show on television as a "trilogy", OK?
The first one sets the rules.
The second one rewrites the rules.
The third one blows everything to shit and then it's back to the drawing board.
Over the past two weeks, "Lost" has taken us from the heights of "A New Hope" down to the swampy depths of Ewoks and Kate Austen.

"A New Hope" or "LAX: Pt 1"
We begin at the beginning of the end.
Jack, drunk.
Shaking plane.
Stewardess who may be hitting on everyone in first class.
But wait--why is she handing Jack one bottle of vodka instead of two?
Why is Rose totally fine with flying and Jack is the one shaking like a bitch?
WHY DID DESMOND JUST POP UP BEHIND JACK?!?!?!
All of our expectations, everything we've been trained to watch out for, was gone as Jack and co. sailed over the island--now buried beneath the sea.
Was I the only who who got choked up?
I know that the island killed, like, HUNDREDS of people, but at the same time the island is the reason Rose is still alive. It's the reason Locke could walk again. It's what brought Juliet and Sawyer together--but now, it's not there anymore.
We see how the characters NEED the island more then the island needs them.
In the last "off island" scenes of the episode, Kate is being hauled to prison, Charlie nearly Od's in the bathroom, and Locke has to be helped off of the plane in his wheelchair.
I wanted Guyliner to turn up and ask these people if they could take it all back.
I mean, lets look at the facts here.
Last season, Juliet and co basically created another UNIVERSE.
Lemme say that again.
THEY.CREATED.ANOTHER.UNIVERSE.
Do you know how much responsibility that puts on a person?
Even in X Men, Jean Grey (as Dark Phoniex) had to explode a plant BILLIONS of light years away, because the idea of humans having so much power makes these people beyond godlike; it makes them Cameron-esque and Spielburgian.
Are the "on-island" folks going to have to stop this alternate timeline from happening? Can they?
This is some deep sci-fi shit.

"The Empire Strikes Back" OR "LAX: Pt 2"

The '70's are SO over.
Now that all the losties are in the same timeline, does that mean we can see the teary hello of Jin and Sun?
I might cry. (But to be perfectly honest I always fast forward through the subtitled scenes; I read really fast and I don't have time to watch alternate timeline Jin be a total asshole to Sun. I'm not racist I just know how it goes.)
In this episode, we meet the new HarryPotterWitchBitch--and I shall call him FooManCooCooKachoo, because this motherfucka is one crazy crackerjacker.
He got crazy eyes and whatnot.
Now, I like the idea of the Losties being trapped in the Temple, but please, PLEASE give us some answers, FooManCooCooKachoo.
He knows more then anyone on the island (except Guyliner), but he keeps acting like a little Nancy bitch about it.
Isn't this the last season? AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO GET ANSWERS?
Whatever.
Like any true sequel, the tension must intensify. Sayid nearly died, guys.
To be honest, I was totally freaked.
Let's ignore the fact that if Sayid dies then we will never see the buff bristled body of Naveen Andrews--who cares?--if Said dies, then the brownest people left on the island are Sun, Jin, and that weird Tomb Raider bitch by the beach.
LIVE LIFE IN TECHNICOLOR, SAYID!
But it seems like the temple fixes people.
Or makes them worse.
Isn't this the same temple that little Ben went into?
Hmmmm.
Now, meanwhile, the people at the beach--let's just call them the Beachies--are dealing with the fact that Guyliner is no longer the creepiest fucker around.
Now it's Locke. Or smoke monster. Or MockLocke. (Yes!)
Anyway, MockLocke is one creepy motherfucker who can turn into smoke monster and then back into creepy Locke.
Let's think back for a second--ALL LAST SEASON Locke was SOMEBODY ELSE.
Doesn't that make you just want to watch it all over again?
Like that scene where he goes with Ben under the temple and Locke's all like "I can't go down there".
Well, he REALLY meant "I'm hiding my evil monster qualites until you aren't looking, so now I can suprise you and when you get back up here pretend like nothing's wrong."
Shit is FUCKED UP!
Anyway, more off island Marvel-style-alternate-universe-mumbo-jumbo.
Back on LAX, Jack offers Locke a buisness card.
It seems that our bold and fearless leader thinks he can FIX Locke.
Dudes got SERIOUS problems. (Jack, not Locke.)
BUT--Jack's Father is gone?
Where the fuck is he? There's no island for him to slip away to...And a coffin isn't just something you misplace...so what gives?
And why can't Locke find his knives?
And why is Kate's bodyguard such an idiot that he allows her to go to the bathroom with the stall open? Didn't this guy watch "The Fugitive"?
I don't want to pile to much into Kate, but MAN is that bitch one slippery flipper.
Girl can't keep her shit together!
By doing some Maguyver shit, she frees herself, knocks out The Bodyguard, and basically just slips out of one of the biggest airports in the world.
...And waits for a cab.
Let's try to think like Kate, just for a second.
Ok.
So, your crazy plot has gone off without any hooks, bells or whistles--good for you!
Do you
A) Run like hell, as far as you can get, just go.
B) Hide in the airport and get a really sweet disguise so you don't look like a total spaz.
or
C) Take the elevator with police officers, wait in line for a taxi, and then abuse and assault a pregnant woman while the Puppet guy from Heroes drives off.
Hmmm.
........
Kate's one crazy bitch. I don't have enough time to tax her stupidity here, but she's gonna get audited in a few months and then she'll see how all her crazy adds up.
WHATEVER.
Crazy thing though? Claire's in the cab too!
Are all these people DESTINED to keep bumping into each other?
I'm very confused as to how this off-island drama is going to play out.
This could either be the best thing in the series or the most confusing b-story ever.
I hope it's the former because I fear the latter.
All in all, these two episodes were "Lost" in top form: comedy, drama, action, pathos.
In the next blog, I will tackle "What Kate Did" or "Return of The Jedi".
...God I hate Kate.
BUT I LOVE "LOST!"
Ikeblog

Oscar Predictions: Feb 1st

It's that time of year. Again.
(Actually, that time of MONTH for me. Whatever. I'm always right.)
Here goes:

Best Picture:
Avatar
Precious
Inglorious Bastards
Up In The Air
The Hurt Locker
An Education
Up
Invictus
A Serious Man
District 9

Surprises:
Star Trek
(500) days of summer

*The first five are lockers. Everything else? Jesus.
What a great idea this 10-film-nomination process would have been in 2007.
(AKA the best year for film in the last decade.) But who cares? More movies for people to see, more bitching to be had.....
That being said, I'm not so sure about "Up." I LOVE the film, but the oscars are not about love. They're about money and cock gobbling and red-carpet-licking.
Since we have the "best animated film" category going, I think more people will push for "Up" in it's ghetto rather then embrace the idea of an animated film going toe-to-toe with "The Hurt Locker." (Which I also liked, but, of course, that's beside the point.)
"500 days of Summer" is also a question mark.
See, the Academy doesn't just like to choose a great film and say "hey! here's your one nomination in the most competitive, cutthroat category possible!"
The Academy likes to spread the love.
To get nominated, a film must have support from either the director, screenplay, or actors.
"Avatar" is all about the director, "Precious" is all about the acting, "Up In The Air" is all about the script.
"500" will get a screenplay nomination, but that's about it (unless there's some random outpouring of love for Gordon-Levvit in the acting category.)
Still, it's a sweet little romantic comedy that never did anybody any wrong.
Alternates? "Star Trek" and "District 9". If either one of those flicks gets in, "Avatar" will never win best picture. The sci-fi votes will cancel each other out, and the award will go to "The Hurt Locker".

BEST ACTOR
Jeff Bridges "Crazy Heart"
Colin Firth "A Single Man"
George Clooney "Up In The Air"
Morgan Freeman "Invictus"
Jeremy Renner "The Hurt Locker"
SUPRISE: Viggo M. for "The Road"

Jeff Bridges will get the nomination and the award.
Clooney and Firth are all like "Whatever" about it.
Freeman deserves better.
The little seen "The Road" features a big meaty academy awards performance.
However, Renner could edge Viggo out, because people actually LIKE his movie...

BEST ACTRESS
Sandra Bullock "The Blinde Side"
Meryl Streep "Julie and Julia"
Carey Mulligan "An Education"
Gabby Sidibe "Preciouis"
Emily Blunt "Young Victoria"
SUPRISE: Helen Mirren "The Last Station"

Sandra Bullock will win.
Nobody wants to give it to Meryl, but nobody doesn't want to NOT nominate her again, for fear of her immense wrath and hullfire.
Mulligan ain't getting shit and Gabby realizes Jennifer Hudson will be the ONLY fat black woman to get an academy award for her first feature film.
Emily Blunt? Academy loves the brits. And hot young women. Put them together you get--HELEN MIRREN?!
..But she already has an oscar for playing a queen.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christoph Waltz "Inglorious Bastards"
Stanley Tucci "The Lovley Bones" OR "Julie and Julia"
Matt Damon "Invictus"
Woody Harrelson "The Messenger"
Christian McKay
SUPRISE: Anthony Mackie "The Hurt Locker"

This is Waltz's award.
Tucci's happy to be there. Damon don't give a fuck.
Harrelson will be too stoned to pick up his phone when the nominations are out.
Anthony Mackie is one hot blacktor.
McKay played Orson Wells. Curse? OR PROMISE?!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Monique "Precious"
Anna Kendrick "Up In The Air"
Vera Farmiga "Up In The Air"
Julianne Moore "A Single Man"
Diane Kruger "Ing. Bastards"
SUPRISE: Any of the women from "Nine"

This is Monique's award.
Kendrick and Farmiga pretend they don't care but in reality are worshiping voodoo gods to get their girly mitts on the big great golden.
We live in a world where Julianne Moore has zero Oscars and Hilary Swank has two.
And Diane Kruger? That bitch is stealing Melanie Laurents spot.
Fuck her.
And these NINE bitches? Don't even get me started.
There's a special place in hell for people who work with Harvey Weinstien.....

BEST DIRECTOR
James Cameron "Avatar"
Kathryn Bigelow "The Hurt Locker"
Quentin Tarantino "Bastards"
Lee Daniels "Precious"
Jason Reitman "Up In The Air"
SUPRISE: Neil Blomkamp, "District 9"

Bigelow gets it--and becomes the first woman to EVER receive a best director oscar.
Cameron shrugs and counts his money.
Quentin is too ADD to focus on a real campaign.
Daniels will get an oscar for "Selma", his new film which just started shooting.
And Reitman can go suck a bag of dicks.
SPOILER ALERT! Eastwood might sneak in here for "Invictus".
But do we really still care about that old dinosaur?

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Mark Boal: "The Hurt Locker"
Tarantino: "Bastards"
Joel and Ethan Coen: "A Single Man"
Michael Weber: "(500) Days of Summer"
Pete Docter: "Up"
SUPRISE: Cameron, "Avatar"

This is a race between Boal and Tarantino.
And as much as I love "Avatar", Cameron really needs a co-writer.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Jason Reitman: "Up In The Air"
Geoffry Fletcher: "Precious"
Neill Blomkamp: "District 9"
Nick Hornby: "An Education"
Armondo Ianucci: "In The Loop"

This is going to that Reitman hack.

BEST EDITING:
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Up In the Air"
"Star Trek"
"District 9"

Avatar's award, but "Hurt Locker" may bring the heat.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
"Avatar"
"White Ribbon"
"Hurt Locker"
"Nine"
"Bastards"

Even though Cameron invented a new camera, the academy loves pretty Foreign Landscapes. Winner? "White Ribbon".

BEST ART DIRECTION
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Public Enemies"
"Where The Wild Things Are"
"District 9"

I think this might be the only place "Where The Wild Things" might be.

BEST SOUND MIXING
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Star Trek"
"District 9"
"Transformers"

Avatar.

BEST SOUND EDITING
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Up"
"Star Trek"
"2012"

Avatar.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
"Avatar"
"Star Trek"
"District 9"
No competition.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
"Ing. Bastards"
"Young Victoria"
"Nine"
"Where the Wild Things are"
"Coco Chanel"

SCORE
"Up"
"Avatar"
"Princess and the Frog"
"The Informant!"
"A Single Man"
-"UP" gets it.

BEST ANIMATED FILM
"Up"
"Fantastic Mr Fox"
"Princess and the frog"
"Coraline"
"Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs"
-"Up" get it (again).

BEST MAKEUP
"Star Trek"
"District 9"
"Imaginarm of Dr...."
SUPRISE: "Young Victoria"

BEST SONG
"Crazy Heart"
"Nine"
"Avatar"
"Princess and the frog"
"Where the wild things are"
-Crazy Heart wins.

....OK.
Now I'm exhausted.

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

1. "Avatar"
88 Million
*

So, if you've read the reviews, this is supposed to be pretty awesome and must-see-esque and groundbreaking and life changing and eyeball fucking and all that jazz.
Normally a picture like this--with this much heat and hype and, I don't know, insanity surrounding it--would open to 100 million plus and steam out after that, probally landing in the vicinity of about 250 Million.
Think "King Kong".
The mystery of "Avatar", however, is the Cameron factor.
His last indie film, "Titanic" (maybe you've heard of it?) opened with 28 million in 1997. It took the long road (as in the 9 month long road) and slowly became the biggest film of all time.
Many are saying "Avatar" has a shot at grabbing that goalpost, however, this is a highly untested property.
Since "Spiderman" broke the 100 million three-day mark in 2002, only a handful of films have pushed past that barrier.
ALL of these films have either been sequels ("Dark Knight", "Shrek 2", "Ass Moon") or superhero films ("Hancock").
Now, if you factor in the 3d aspect, which bascially transfers to a ticket and a half in normal box office dollars, this film should be doing gangbusters.
However, the general audience seems to be on the fence about this.
They'll read the reviews (which are great) but there seems to be an odd sense of "show me what you got".
In the end, that's not a bad thing.
People did the same thing with "Titanic". After months of hype about budget, disputes, and marketing (sound familiar?) the film opened small but played huge; operating on a word of mouth system that hasn't been matched.
People didn't want to see it, but when they did, they felt like this was a movie they had to support.
So. We'll see. This could either
A) Be the highest grossing movie domestically of all time
B) Be the highest grossing movie internationly and flop domestically
or
C) Be a complete and total flop that rivals "Heaven's Gate" and "Ishtar".
....That's hope for A or B.

2.
"The Princess and The Frog"
16 Million
*

On big movie weekends, all films tend to do a little better.
Espically black princess movies, such as--
....Oh, wait a second....

3.
"The Blind Side"
10 Million
*
There are only two things I like about this movie.
1. I enjoy Sandra Bullock in a way that can only be categorized as gaygaygay.
2. I love that this movie is kicking "New Moon" and forcing the creeepy Mormon sex farce to crawl back to it's grave.

4.
"Did You Hear About The Morgans?"
8.5 Million
*

No, actually, I didn't, and I don't really think anybody else has either.
It's a terrible little concept rom-com flick that deserves to surf the bottom of the Blockbuster 2 dollar barrel for eternity.
Shame on Sarah Jessica Parker!
What was she thinking/drinking--she jumps from the hugely populaur and succesful "Sex and the City" film to "Spinning Into Butter"--(a film so bad it was delayed three times and then dumped on home video)--and then she has the gall to crawl back with this tragic piece of trash.
This woman needs a reboot.
Is her marriage to barely closeted homosexual Matthew Brodrcik THAT terryfying that she must
A) Hire a surroagte Mother to give her TWINS so she has her arms full and can't hug Matthew
and
B) Flee New York City to film terrible toilet traps with the poor man's Hugh Grant--Hugh Grant himself.
Shame.

5. "Brothers"
5.5 Million
*

In a perfect world, this and "Morgans" would switch places.
Old people should love this movie. Letterman did!
Come on. Sexy young leads. Best of their generation.
Acting. Not like "acting acting", they're like ACTING acting!
Come on, Grandma!
No?
Oh--oh, you're seeing "Avatar" too? Ok. See you there!

.............................

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

Anyone intrested in Avatar?
There's some glowing reviews. I've already started crunching numbers; methinks December's box office is going to explode in a couple of days.
But first: black people take over your local cinema!

1. "The Princess and The Frog"
26 Million

This is going to do gangbusters.
1.
People Love Black People.
Evidence: "Preciouis", "Invictus", "I Can Do Bad All By Myself", Oprah, me.
2.
Black People Love Black People
First Black Disney Princess EVA! LOLOMGTTYLJKNKJKNK!
3.
2D is the new 3D (Until "Avatar")
All the hype is directed towards the LOOK of this film. When's the last time you saw a major studio attempt 2D animation? 2002. "Lilo and Stich".
Now, "P&F" will get over 100 million domestic, but it will take time. Look for the big numbers to slide in around Christmas time. Opening weekend isn't as important as the dead zone that's known as the middle of January, or, as I like to call it:
The land that time forgot.

2.
"Invictus"
17 Million

People love Clint Eastwood. Like, love him enough to see him play an old racist.
They also love historical dramas and sports movies.
Come on, people. This is like mixing "Driving Miss Daisy" with "The Blind Side".
Everybody goes home happy and rich and sleepy.
Like "Princess", this film isn't about the opening numbers. It's going for the gold--oscar baby, all the way. Look for Freeman, Eastwood, and editing noms. This will play well into Feb. and have a long life on home video. Also, overseas numbers look very promising, with support from African and U.K territories.

3.
"The Blind Side"
13 Million

A few weeks ago, I predicted Bullocks Savior Porn would only clock in with a 15 million weekend. Boy was I wrong.
This steamroller is going to coast to about 200 million, and if--
if--
Bullock gets the oscar nomination, it could get to about 220.
I haven't seen this trite piece of shit, but I love Ms. Bullock. She deserves every award thrown in Hilary Swank's general direction.

4.
"2012"
9 Million

This just in: Audiences love Savior Porn move then Disaster Porn.
Does this mean that 2012 is a myth, a promise, or a rental?
Stay tuned.

5.
"A Christmas Carol"

I saw this nifty little piece of pluck about a month ago.
Fun movie. Great visuals. Carrey's funny and the film is fluid as a river.
But compared to the walking, talking, swearing/flying/dying/emoting blue people of James Cameron's "Avatar", "Carol" never stood a chance.
In five days every 3D screen in the country will be lost to "Avatar", and Disney will have a tough piece of luggage to push onto the conveyor belt.
People want to see this movie, but they also want to open their gifts on Christmas morning.
No one goes to see Christmas movies in early November; this film should have opened the week after Thanksgiving, had a huge opening, and coasted on good will until the New Year.
Now? It'll be lucky if it limps to 150 domestic.
...The Box Office is a cruel mistress. Or Mister. Or hooker.
I like the latter.

BOX OFFICE

1.The Blind Side:
20.4 Million

............So, I was a few off. Still. It's the thought that counts, right?
This might get close to 200 million. Isn't that great? Bullock's biggest hit yet. (That sounds like a 70's snuff film.)
What does this mean? 3 things.
1. Oscar nomination.
It's going to happen. It has to. The 00's have been a weak decade for actress Oscars (Hilary Swank?!!?!?!? Twice?!?!?!?!) and "the people" love this movie.
2. The South Wins
By "the people" I mean the people who watch "So You Think You Can Dance" and think "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" was snubbed for a Best Picture Oscar. Expect more touching, heartwrenching, vom-inducing family football blockbusters.
3. Meryl Streep is Not Alone!
At 45, Sandra Bullock is more bankable then Julia Robbert--who gets paid a LOT more for what she doesn't do.

2. Twilight: Ass Moon
15 Million

I hate how they're calling this a saga. This isn't Star Wars. This isn't even Lady Gaga. It's some half baked virgin porn written by a Mormon Moron with bestiality issues.
This will top off at around 280 million. Mark. My. Words.

3. Brothers
9 Million

(I was dead on with this prediction.) I'm surprised this film didn't pull in more, considering that most people surely thought this was an urban drama starring Cuba Gooding Jr.

4. A Christmas Carol
7.5 Million

Disney will do ANYTHING to get this to 150 million before Avatar takes away all their 3D screens.
First born children were sold to get this film made.

5. Old Dogs
6.9 Million.

Remember "the people" I mentioned? Yeah. They LOVE this movie.

How To Survive a Post Show Hangover

So, everything went great and the reviews are awesome and the audience loved you and now you wanna go get shitfaced.
Some people would say "drink responsibly" or "make sure you don't go overboard".
Fuck em.
This is your time to act like a fool and say 72 things you're going to regret in the morning and/or the rest of your life.
So go all out.
Start the night with beer bongs and end with tequilla shots.
Put gin and jack and an apple in a blender and see what happens.
Do body shots off the usher--they love it!
Now, the fall out.
I'm going to tell you how to survive the day after the best night of your life.

1.
DRINK WATER
You won't remember to do it during the night, so do it first thing in the morning.
If you want you can drink some OJ or carrot juice, but nothing works as good as water.
Well, maybe a time machine that could toss you to back to last night so you can avoid the massive whiplash and the soul-crushing-pain of the present.
But if you can't afford the technology, nothing restarts your body like H20.

2.
TAKE A SHOWER
Alternate between hot and cold water for about 10 minutes.
You'll feel freaking amazing.
I don't know who thought of this and I'm not trying to be racist but let's just call this "an irish tradition".

3.
PIG OUT
This is your excuse to devour any piece of shit you want to shove your face with. Mcdonald's is great.
Potbelly's is perfection.
The best hangover killers contain LOTS and LOTS of starch.
Eating rice with eggs is amazing (and maybe kind of healthy, I don't know, I'm not freaking Martha Stewart.)

4.
STAND UP
Don't lay down the whole day. True, sleep is an important part of the recovery process, but if you're awake you can't just lie down and feel sorry for yourself.
Why?
Well because a) it's pathetic and b) you need to TRAIN your body.
Think of hangovers as fire drills for the apocolypse.
It's going to happen whether you like it or not--but are you (wo)man enough to survive?
You're going to have to go to work in a few hours; train your body to stand up and look like you give a rats ass.

5.
SMOKE WEED
You HAVE to.
Sure, you can swallow 90 pills for your headache and mix herbel such-and-such with that stomach relaxer you got from Walgreens,
but the only thing that's going to take away the brain-squeezing pain of THE WORST HANGOVER OF YOUR LIFE is by toking a hardcore major bowl.
Weed relaxes your body.
Sure, it's not going to cure your entire hangover, but stomach pain is one of the most uncomfortable things EVER.
Take a few hits and get on with the day. Besides, if you tell everyone your hungover, they're probally just going to assume you're baked anyway, so why not take this tradgey to the next level?
Now, the most important thing to remember--more important then rice and weed and praying to God for the pain to be over--
THIS.WILL.HAPPEN.AGAIN.
And, unless you turn into a total nun, you're not going to want to drink responsiliby.
So make up for your mistakes later, and remember:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS: FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4TH

1. "The Blind Side"

22 Million
Everybody is eating up this male-version-of-"Preciouis"-savior-porn-oscar-bait like it's ice cream in July.
I love Sandra Bullock.
LOVE Sandra Bullock.
But the only thing that's worse then disaster porn ("2012") is savior porn.

2. "Twilight: Ass Moon"

So this is huge. But not crossover-take-your-brother-and-Mother-and-baby-daddies-frienemy huge.
This is tween girl huge.
It'll cap out at around 280 million, which is an immense amount for a film that cost 50 million to make.
But is 280 million enough to buy back the soul of talented screenwriter Mellisa Rosenberg?
Twilight: 50 Million to make, 280 final gross.
Mellisa's Screenwriting Soul: Priceless.

3. "Brothers"

9 Million
What happens when you put Queen Amadalia, The Prince of Persia, and Spiderman in the same movie?
Millions of people wait for the rental.

4. "Old Dogs"

7.5 Million
This should already be on DVD.
And on fire.

5. "Armored"

Jesus. Really? REALLY? Laurence Fishburne, really? First CSI/NCIS/OMG/LOL and then THIS?
I think I saw this on TNT last year with bleeped out language and blurry spots over the nudity.