"Get" Lost-Season 6, Episode 3

"What Kate Did" OR "Return Of The Jedi"
or
"KATEHATER"
....................
Before things get all out of control, let's try to remember that Kate comes from a broken home.
Her Mom is a total WitchBitch.
Kate got arrested. Like, twice.
Then she killed her Father.
Then she gOt sentenced to the closest thing this world has to purgatory. (I'm ignoring New Jersey.)
So, the girl's got issues.
Now.
If you were bottom-of-the-slime-pit-cock-tease-whiny-snot-nosed-muck-about-Kate Austen, how would you handle your new freedom?
Would you:
A) Flee to Canada, swim to Cambodia; get farfarfaraway from the American Justice system that wants to see you dead.
B) Say you're sorry to your Mother. Hug some old high school friends. Have a Dairy Queen for the last time.
or
C) Hop in a cab, threaten people with your stolen gun, run over some guys luggage, get a random body-builder dude to bust you outta your cuffs, drop off your hostage, look through her shit, then pick her BACK UP, help her run some errands, then take her to the hospital so she can have her baby.
..........
If you choose C then you're a nittywitty clusterfucker and I have no time for you.
Kate blows massive chunks. Like, if she was the Titanic then people would have been counting down the minutes till that bith hit the iceberg.
Was she dropped on her head as a baby?
(Well, probably.)
But still! WHO DOES THINGS LIKE THIS?!
EVEN IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE?!?!
GRRRRRRAAAAGH I hate Kate I hate Kate I HATE KATE!
I could spend hours discussing the mass stupidity that lies in this woman's wake.
Which is sad. Because three hours into the last season of the BEST SHOW ON TV I have to deal with the fact this this evil Gerbil is polluting my life with her hateful stares and her odd and uncomfortable way of humping dead air.
GRRRRRAGGHH....
...BREATHE....breathe....breathe.
Ok.
So, on "Lost" we had a Kate Episode.
...And you know what THAT means(Fight it, fight it)...It means we were in for a very "special" episode of "Lost".
One where reality and common sense are as strange and foreign as unicorns or Blackula.
One where up is down and down is up and left is right.
Let's...Let's start this out by talking about everybody else but Kate so I can REALLY just tell it like it is, OK?
So, Sayid's alive again.
And not like zombiealive, not like Jacob crawled into his body (Even though I TOTALLY thought that was the case.)
No, he seems to be normal Sayid.
Trouble is? He's tortured by FooManCooCooKaChoo (oh the irony!) and asked to swallow a pill that will KILL his ass DEAD.
Jack is in the familiar position of healerhelper dude, but lately I don't think he has it in him.
Ever since his grand plan of setting of the H bomb didn't work (and how many times has setting of an H bomb every worked out for the better?) Jack seems like he's on a one man rollercoaster to hell.
He doesn't seem to care about being efficent or proper; hell no.
Even FooManCooCooKaChoo saw that; now he's playing with Jack emotions, being all like "if you want to save your friends you must listen to me" and whatnot.
I don't know. I don't trust FooManCooCooKachoo anymore then HarryPotterWitchBitch, but then again I'm not Jack.
But even "Where's my daddy" JACK is smarter then that toaster-strudel-strumpet-slut Kate Austen (fight it, FIGHT IT)
..........
No, you know what, FUCK IT.
This was a Kate episode and it's time to talk about Kate.
WHAT IS THIS WOMAN THINKING?
So you loved this dude for 108 days.
Sawyer. He's a hot piece of ass and it's a dry beach and you once had sex in animal cages.
You like him.
But then you let him jump off a plane and you don't see him for three years.
Bum-mer.
Meanwhile, you're fucking his best-friend/mortal enemy and raising a baby that YOU STOLE from YOUR BEST FRIEND and the only person who could tolerate your shady skanky selfish ways.
Basically, you're a freak of nature and you deserve to be judged in front of a smoke monster.
But no. You get another chance to make things right.
So you blow up an H bomb.
Sawyer's girlfriend dies but you're all like "whatev", and start the whole puppydog thing again on a man who has JUST LOST THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.
Then you get taken to a temple. Instead of saving your friends, you decide to follow this veryverySAD and ANGRY man to the house he shared with a woman who is MUCH COOLER then you--and then you watch him mourn.
Just because, you know, it's a Tuesday.
FUCK you Kate.
Fuck you in BOTH timelines.
Back in 04', Kate is like a hurricane of Hate.
What must go on in the writers room?
.......
HEAD-WRITER
So. Looks like we have to have a Kate episode.
EVERYONE
Oh, fuuuuuuck me (etc)
HEAD-WRITER
Hey, hey--I know! I know. We all know she sucks, the audience knows she blows, hell, even Evangelical or whatever-
JJ ABRAHMS
Evangaline Lilly.
HEAD-WRITER
Yeah, whatever. What the hell are you doing here?
JJ
Stealing ideas for Mission Impossible 4.
HEAD-WRITER
Go to the "Fringe" set and do that, willya?
Jesus.
Now, we're gonna have a Kate episode, so, let's just get it out of the way NOW so we don't have to do it LATER.
EVERYONE
...OOOOOOH.
HEAD-WRITER
You get me?
EVERYONE
Right on, sock it to me!
HEAD-WRITER
...You guys should be writing for "Gary Unmarried"
........
That's probably how it all went down.
No, really.
Guys.
THIS.IS.OUR.LAST.KATE.EPISODE.EVER.
This is a happy time!
No longer will we have to look at her assbackwards antics for a full episode! No more will Evangaline Lilly have to show us how well she can pout, ponder, and postulate!
Oh, and how she postulated!
Girl was just all over the place, wasn't she?
Why doesn't Sawyer just DROWN the woman? If I had just lost the love of my life and my ex was all like "sucks for you, but look at me, I'm wearing a sweaty tanktop!"
I would have gone nutso pajamas; justifiably!
...So, Claire's back in the mix, too. Her and Kate go well together. Like a hangover and McDonalds.
I imagine a night on the town with Kate and Claire as being very Sex and the City.
"Let's steal a cab!"
"Ye-ah! Then let's go snoop on the woman who's adopting my baby!"
"And then she'll turn you down and you'll drop water on her doorstep!"
"Those stains NEVER come out!"
"You go girl!"
...I like Claire. So, we'll just assume that hanging out with Kate is like getting abducted by Linsday Lohan. You're going to do some crazy, unfathomable shit, but it's all forgiven because you've been abducted by a power-drunk-witchbitch.
Anything goes.
Now, what was the creepy doctor (who's also Tom Cruise's cousin) doing in the hospital?!
I guess because the island has een underground since 1977, he had to go to the mainland with his family.
Same with Ben! Same with Miles!
The island doesn't really exist for them; it wasn't a big part of their lives.
Now these freaks of nature are forced to work normal jobs, just like the rest of us.
(I bet Ben's a janitor or some shit.)
Anyway, I hope we move away from Kate-on-the-run story-lines in the alternate universe.
(Or maybe she'll get arrested by Michelle Rodreigez and they can have several scenes of cryptic-speech with occasional ass-kickings? Might be fun.)
Anyway, the closer of this episode was the real kicker.
What the fuck is Claire doing with a gun? Looking all Rosseau-esque and shit.
Has the poison gotten to her brain?
Apparently.
I wonder what "the poison" is. Actually, that's a HUGE mystery that's been cloaked over the whole series.
The minute we begin to hear Claire speak, I think we'll get a better understanding on what this "blackness" is.
I'm SO excited to hear about "the blackness".
So. This was our last Kate episode. Let's all drink to her--
Here's to Kate. She's a dumb silly toaster-strudel-strumpet-slut--but she gave us a lot to bitch about.
To Kate!
-ikeblog

"Get" LOST-Season 6, Episodes 1-2

Let's look at this first three episodes of the best show on television as a "trilogy", OK?
The first one sets the rules.
The second one rewrites the rules.
The third one blows everything to shit and then it's back to the drawing board.
Over the past two weeks, "Lost" has taken us from the heights of "A New Hope" down to the swampy depths of Ewoks and Kate Austen.

"A New Hope" or "LAX: Pt 1"
We begin at the beginning of the end.
Jack, drunk.
Shaking plane.
Stewardess who may be hitting on everyone in first class.
But wait--why is she handing Jack one bottle of vodka instead of two?
Why is Rose totally fine with flying and Jack is the one shaking like a bitch?
WHY DID DESMOND JUST POP UP BEHIND JACK?!?!?!
All of our expectations, everything we've been trained to watch out for, was gone as Jack and co. sailed over the island--now buried beneath the sea.
Was I the only who who got choked up?
I know that the island killed, like, HUNDREDS of people, but at the same time the island is the reason Rose is still alive. It's the reason Locke could walk again. It's what brought Juliet and Sawyer together--but now, it's not there anymore.
We see how the characters NEED the island more then the island needs them.
In the last "off island" scenes of the episode, Kate is being hauled to prison, Charlie nearly Od's in the bathroom, and Locke has to be helped off of the plane in his wheelchair.
I wanted Guyliner to turn up and ask these people if they could take it all back.
I mean, lets look at the facts here.
Last season, Juliet and co basically created another UNIVERSE.
Lemme say that again.
THEY.CREATED.ANOTHER.UNIVERSE.
Do you know how much responsibility that puts on a person?
Even in X Men, Jean Grey (as Dark Phoniex) had to explode a plant BILLIONS of light years away, because the idea of humans having so much power makes these people beyond godlike; it makes them Cameron-esque and Spielburgian.
Are the "on-island" folks going to have to stop this alternate timeline from happening? Can they?
This is some deep sci-fi shit.

"The Empire Strikes Back" OR "LAX: Pt 2"

The '70's are SO over.
Now that all the losties are in the same timeline, does that mean we can see the teary hello of Jin and Sun?
I might cry. (But to be perfectly honest I always fast forward through the subtitled scenes; I read really fast and I don't have time to watch alternate timeline Jin be a total asshole to Sun. I'm not racist I just know how it goes.)
In this episode, we meet the new HarryPotterWitchBitch--and I shall call him FooManCooCooKachoo, because this motherfucka is one crazy crackerjacker.
He got crazy eyes and whatnot.
Now, I like the idea of the Losties being trapped in the Temple, but please, PLEASE give us some answers, FooManCooCooKachoo.
He knows more then anyone on the island (except Guyliner), but he keeps acting like a little Nancy bitch about it.
Isn't this the last season? AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO GET ANSWERS?
Whatever.
Like any true sequel, the tension must intensify. Sayid nearly died, guys.
To be honest, I was totally freaked.
Let's ignore the fact that if Sayid dies then we will never see the buff bristled body of Naveen Andrews--who cares?--if Said dies, then the brownest people left on the island are Sun, Jin, and that weird Tomb Raider bitch by the beach.
LIVE LIFE IN TECHNICOLOR, SAYID!
But it seems like the temple fixes people.
Or makes them worse.
Isn't this the same temple that little Ben went into?
Hmmmm.
Now, meanwhile, the people at the beach--let's just call them the Beachies--are dealing with the fact that Guyliner is no longer the creepiest fucker around.
Now it's Locke. Or smoke monster. Or MockLocke. (Yes!)
Anyway, MockLocke is one creepy motherfucker who can turn into smoke monster and then back into creepy Locke.
Let's think back for a second--ALL LAST SEASON Locke was SOMEBODY ELSE.
Doesn't that make you just want to watch it all over again?
Like that scene where he goes with Ben under the temple and Locke's all like "I can't go down there".
Well, he REALLY meant "I'm hiding my evil monster qualites until you aren't looking, so now I can suprise you and when you get back up here pretend like nothing's wrong."
Shit is FUCKED UP!
Anyway, more off island Marvel-style-alternate-universe-mumbo-jumbo.
Back on LAX, Jack offers Locke a buisness card.
It seems that our bold and fearless leader thinks he can FIX Locke.
Dudes got SERIOUS problems. (Jack, not Locke.)
BUT--Jack's Father is gone?
Where the fuck is he? There's no island for him to slip away to...And a coffin isn't just something you misplace...so what gives?
And why can't Locke find his knives?
And why is Kate's bodyguard such an idiot that he allows her to go to the bathroom with the stall open? Didn't this guy watch "The Fugitive"?
I don't want to pile to much into Kate, but MAN is that bitch one slippery flipper.
Girl can't keep her shit together!
By doing some Maguyver shit, she frees herself, knocks out The Bodyguard, and basically just slips out of one of the biggest airports in the world.
...And waits for a cab.
Let's try to think like Kate, just for a second.
Ok.
So, your crazy plot has gone off without any hooks, bells or whistles--good for you!
Do you
A) Run like hell, as far as you can get, just go.
B) Hide in the airport and get a really sweet disguise so you don't look like a total spaz.
or
C) Take the elevator with police officers, wait in line for a taxi, and then abuse and assault a pregnant woman while the Puppet guy from Heroes drives off.
Hmmm.
........
Kate's one crazy bitch. I don't have enough time to tax her stupidity here, but she's gonna get audited in a few months and then she'll see how all her crazy adds up.
WHATEVER.
Crazy thing though? Claire's in the cab too!
Are all these people DESTINED to keep bumping into each other?
I'm very confused as to how this off-island drama is going to play out.
This could either be the best thing in the series or the most confusing b-story ever.
I hope it's the former because I fear the latter.
All in all, these two episodes were "Lost" in top form: comedy, drama, action, pathos.
In the next blog, I will tackle "What Kate Did" or "Return of The Jedi".
...God I hate Kate.
BUT I LOVE "LOST!"
Ikeblog

Oscar Predictions: Feb 1st

It's that time of year. Again.
(Actually, that time of MONTH for me. Whatever. I'm always right.)
Here goes:

Best Picture:
Avatar
Precious
Inglorious Bastards
Up In The Air
The Hurt Locker
An Education
Up
Invictus
A Serious Man
District 9

Surprises:
Star Trek
(500) days of summer

*The first five are lockers. Everything else? Jesus.
What a great idea this 10-film-nomination process would have been in 2007.
(AKA the best year for film in the last decade.) But who cares? More movies for people to see, more bitching to be had.....
That being said, I'm not so sure about "Up." I LOVE the film, but the oscars are not about love. They're about money and cock gobbling and red-carpet-licking.
Since we have the "best animated film" category going, I think more people will push for "Up" in it's ghetto rather then embrace the idea of an animated film going toe-to-toe with "The Hurt Locker." (Which I also liked, but, of course, that's beside the point.)
"500 days of Summer" is also a question mark.
See, the Academy doesn't just like to choose a great film and say "hey! here's your one nomination in the most competitive, cutthroat category possible!"
The Academy likes to spread the love.
To get nominated, a film must have support from either the director, screenplay, or actors.
"Avatar" is all about the director, "Precious" is all about the acting, "Up In The Air" is all about the script.
"500" will get a screenplay nomination, but that's about it (unless there's some random outpouring of love for Gordon-Levvit in the acting category.)
Still, it's a sweet little romantic comedy that never did anybody any wrong.
Alternates? "Star Trek" and "District 9". If either one of those flicks gets in, "Avatar" will never win best picture. The sci-fi votes will cancel each other out, and the award will go to "The Hurt Locker".

BEST ACTOR
Jeff Bridges "Crazy Heart"
Colin Firth "A Single Man"
George Clooney "Up In The Air"
Morgan Freeman "Invictus"
Jeremy Renner "The Hurt Locker"
SUPRISE: Viggo M. for "The Road"

Jeff Bridges will get the nomination and the award.
Clooney and Firth are all like "Whatever" about it.
Freeman deserves better.
The little seen "The Road" features a big meaty academy awards performance.
However, Renner could edge Viggo out, because people actually LIKE his movie...

BEST ACTRESS
Sandra Bullock "The Blinde Side"
Meryl Streep "Julie and Julia"
Carey Mulligan "An Education"
Gabby Sidibe "Preciouis"
Emily Blunt "Young Victoria"
SUPRISE: Helen Mirren "The Last Station"

Sandra Bullock will win.
Nobody wants to give it to Meryl, but nobody doesn't want to NOT nominate her again, for fear of her immense wrath and hullfire.
Mulligan ain't getting shit and Gabby realizes Jennifer Hudson will be the ONLY fat black woman to get an academy award for her first feature film.
Emily Blunt? Academy loves the brits. And hot young women. Put them together you get--HELEN MIRREN?!
..But she already has an oscar for playing a queen.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christoph Waltz "Inglorious Bastards"
Stanley Tucci "The Lovley Bones" OR "Julie and Julia"
Matt Damon "Invictus"
Woody Harrelson "The Messenger"
Christian McKay
SUPRISE: Anthony Mackie "The Hurt Locker"

This is Waltz's award.
Tucci's happy to be there. Damon don't give a fuck.
Harrelson will be too stoned to pick up his phone when the nominations are out.
Anthony Mackie is one hot blacktor.
McKay played Orson Wells. Curse? OR PROMISE?!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Monique "Precious"
Anna Kendrick "Up In The Air"
Vera Farmiga "Up In The Air"
Julianne Moore "A Single Man"
Diane Kruger "Ing. Bastards"
SUPRISE: Any of the women from "Nine"

This is Monique's award.
Kendrick and Farmiga pretend they don't care but in reality are worshiping voodoo gods to get their girly mitts on the big great golden.
We live in a world where Julianne Moore has zero Oscars and Hilary Swank has two.
And Diane Kruger? That bitch is stealing Melanie Laurents spot.
Fuck her.
And these NINE bitches? Don't even get me started.
There's a special place in hell for people who work with Harvey Weinstien.....

BEST DIRECTOR
James Cameron "Avatar"
Kathryn Bigelow "The Hurt Locker"
Quentin Tarantino "Bastards"
Lee Daniels "Precious"
Jason Reitman "Up In The Air"
SUPRISE: Neil Blomkamp, "District 9"

Bigelow gets it--and becomes the first woman to EVER receive a best director oscar.
Cameron shrugs and counts his money.
Quentin is too ADD to focus on a real campaign.
Daniels will get an oscar for "Selma", his new film which just started shooting.
And Reitman can go suck a bag of dicks.
SPOILER ALERT! Eastwood might sneak in here for "Invictus".
But do we really still care about that old dinosaur?

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Mark Boal: "The Hurt Locker"
Tarantino: "Bastards"
Joel and Ethan Coen: "A Single Man"
Michael Weber: "(500) Days of Summer"
Pete Docter: "Up"
SUPRISE: Cameron, "Avatar"

This is a race between Boal and Tarantino.
And as much as I love "Avatar", Cameron really needs a co-writer.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Jason Reitman: "Up In The Air"
Geoffry Fletcher: "Precious"
Neill Blomkamp: "District 9"
Nick Hornby: "An Education"
Armondo Ianucci: "In The Loop"

This is going to that Reitman hack.

BEST EDITING:
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Up In the Air"
"Star Trek"
"District 9"

Avatar's award, but "Hurt Locker" may bring the heat.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
"Avatar"
"White Ribbon"
"Hurt Locker"
"Nine"
"Bastards"

Even though Cameron invented a new camera, the academy loves pretty Foreign Landscapes. Winner? "White Ribbon".

BEST ART DIRECTION
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Public Enemies"
"Where The Wild Things Are"
"District 9"

I think this might be the only place "Where The Wild Things" might be.

BEST SOUND MIXING
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Star Trek"
"District 9"
"Transformers"

Avatar.

BEST SOUND EDITING
"Avatar"
"Hurt Locker"
"Up"
"Star Trek"
"2012"

Avatar.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
"Avatar"
"Star Trek"
"District 9"
No competition.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
"Ing. Bastards"
"Young Victoria"
"Nine"
"Where the Wild Things are"
"Coco Chanel"

SCORE
"Up"
"Avatar"
"Princess and the Frog"
"The Informant!"
"A Single Man"
-"UP" gets it.

BEST ANIMATED FILM
"Up"
"Fantastic Mr Fox"
"Princess and the frog"
"Coraline"
"Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs"
-"Up" get it (again).

BEST MAKEUP
"Star Trek"
"District 9"
"Imaginarm of Dr...."
SUPRISE: "Young Victoria"

BEST SONG
"Crazy Heart"
"Nine"
"Avatar"
"Princess and the frog"
"Where the wild things are"
-Crazy Heart wins.

....OK.
Now I'm exhausted.

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

1. "Avatar"
88 Million
*

So, if you've read the reviews, this is supposed to be pretty awesome and must-see-esque and groundbreaking and life changing and eyeball fucking and all that jazz.
Normally a picture like this--with this much heat and hype and, I don't know, insanity surrounding it--would open to 100 million plus and steam out after that, probally landing in the vicinity of about 250 Million.
Think "King Kong".
The mystery of "Avatar", however, is the Cameron factor.
His last indie film, "Titanic" (maybe you've heard of it?) opened with 28 million in 1997. It took the long road (as in the 9 month long road) and slowly became the biggest film of all time.
Many are saying "Avatar" has a shot at grabbing that goalpost, however, this is a highly untested property.
Since "Spiderman" broke the 100 million three-day mark in 2002, only a handful of films have pushed past that barrier.
ALL of these films have either been sequels ("Dark Knight", "Shrek 2", "Ass Moon") or superhero films ("Hancock").
Now, if you factor in the 3d aspect, which bascially transfers to a ticket and a half in normal box office dollars, this film should be doing gangbusters.
However, the general audience seems to be on the fence about this.
They'll read the reviews (which are great) but there seems to be an odd sense of "show me what you got".
In the end, that's not a bad thing.
People did the same thing with "Titanic". After months of hype about budget, disputes, and marketing (sound familiar?) the film opened small but played huge; operating on a word of mouth system that hasn't been matched.
People didn't want to see it, but when they did, they felt like this was a movie they had to support.
So. We'll see. This could either
A) Be the highest grossing movie domestically of all time
B) Be the highest grossing movie internationly and flop domestically
or
C) Be a complete and total flop that rivals "Heaven's Gate" and "Ishtar".
....That's hope for A or B.

2.
"The Princess and The Frog"
16 Million
*

On big movie weekends, all films tend to do a little better.
Espically black princess movies, such as--
....Oh, wait a second....

3.
"The Blind Side"
10 Million
*
There are only two things I like about this movie.
1. I enjoy Sandra Bullock in a way that can only be categorized as gaygaygay.
2. I love that this movie is kicking "New Moon" and forcing the creeepy Mormon sex farce to crawl back to it's grave.

4.
"Did You Hear About The Morgans?"
8.5 Million
*

No, actually, I didn't, and I don't really think anybody else has either.
It's a terrible little concept rom-com flick that deserves to surf the bottom of the Blockbuster 2 dollar barrel for eternity.
Shame on Sarah Jessica Parker!
What was she thinking/drinking--she jumps from the hugely populaur and succesful "Sex and the City" film to "Spinning Into Butter"--(a film so bad it was delayed three times and then dumped on home video)--and then she has the gall to crawl back with this tragic piece of trash.
This woman needs a reboot.
Is her marriage to barely closeted homosexual Matthew Brodrcik THAT terryfying that she must
A) Hire a surroagte Mother to give her TWINS so she has her arms full and can't hug Matthew
and
B) Flee New York City to film terrible toilet traps with the poor man's Hugh Grant--Hugh Grant himself.
Shame.

5. "Brothers"
5.5 Million
*

In a perfect world, this and "Morgans" would switch places.
Old people should love this movie. Letterman did!
Come on. Sexy young leads. Best of their generation.
Acting. Not like "acting acting", they're like ACTING acting!
Come on, Grandma!
No?
Oh--oh, you're seeing "Avatar" too? Ok. See you there!

.............................

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

Anyone intrested in Avatar?
There's some glowing reviews. I've already started crunching numbers; methinks December's box office is going to explode in a couple of days.
But first: black people take over your local cinema!

1. "The Princess and The Frog"
26 Million

This is going to do gangbusters.
1.
People Love Black People.
Evidence: "Preciouis", "Invictus", "I Can Do Bad All By Myself", Oprah, me.
2.
Black People Love Black People
First Black Disney Princess EVA! LOLOMGTTYLJKNKJKNK!
3.
2D is the new 3D (Until "Avatar")
All the hype is directed towards the LOOK of this film. When's the last time you saw a major studio attempt 2D animation? 2002. "Lilo and Stich".
Now, "P&F" will get over 100 million domestic, but it will take time. Look for the big numbers to slide in around Christmas time. Opening weekend isn't as important as the dead zone that's known as the middle of January, or, as I like to call it:
The land that time forgot.

2.
"Invictus"
17 Million

People love Clint Eastwood. Like, love him enough to see him play an old racist.
They also love historical dramas and sports movies.
Come on, people. This is like mixing "Driving Miss Daisy" with "The Blind Side".
Everybody goes home happy and rich and sleepy.
Like "Princess", this film isn't about the opening numbers. It's going for the gold--oscar baby, all the way. Look for Freeman, Eastwood, and editing noms. This will play well into Feb. and have a long life on home video. Also, overseas numbers look very promising, with support from African and U.K territories.

3.
"The Blind Side"
13 Million

A few weeks ago, I predicted Bullocks Savior Porn would only clock in with a 15 million weekend. Boy was I wrong.
This steamroller is going to coast to about 200 million, and if--
if--
Bullock gets the oscar nomination, it could get to about 220.
I haven't seen this trite piece of shit, but I love Ms. Bullock. She deserves every award thrown in Hilary Swank's general direction.

4.
"2012"
9 Million

This just in: Audiences love Savior Porn move then Disaster Porn.
Does this mean that 2012 is a myth, a promise, or a rental?
Stay tuned.

5.
"A Christmas Carol"

I saw this nifty little piece of pluck about a month ago.
Fun movie. Great visuals. Carrey's funny and the film is fluid as a river.
But compared to the walking, talking, swearing/flying/dying/emoting blue people of James Cameron's "Avatar", "Carol" never stood a chance.
In five days every 3D screen in the country will be lost to "Avatar", and Disney will have a tough piece of luggage to push onto the conveyor belt.
People want to see this movie, but they also want to open their gifts on Christmas morning.
No one goes to see Christmas movies in early November; this film should have opened the week after Thanksgiving, had a huge opening, and coasted on good will until the New Year.
Now? It'll be lucky if it limps to 150 domestic.
...The Box Office is a cruel mistress. Or Mister. Or hooker.
I like the latter.

BOX OFFICE

1.The Blind Side:
20.4 Million

............So, I was a few off. Still. It's the thought that counts, right?
This might get close to 200 million. Isn't that great? Bullock's biggest hit yet. (That sounds like a 70's snuff film.)
What does this mean? 3 things.
1. Oscar nomination.
It's going to happen. It has to. The 00's have been a weak decade for actress Oscars (Hilary Swank?!!?!?!? Twice?!?!?!?!) and "the people" love this movie.
2. The South Wins
By "the people" I mean the people who watch "So You Think You Can Dance" and think "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" was snubbed for a Best Picture Oscar. Expect more touching, heartwrenching, vom-inducing family football blockbusters.
3. Meryl Streep is Not Alone!
At 45, Sandra Bullock is more bankable then Julia Robbert--who gets paid a LOT more for what she doesn't do.

2. Twilight: Ass Moon
15 Million

I hate how they're calling this a saga. This isn't Star Wars. This isn't even Lady Gaga. It's some half baked virgin porn written by a Mormon Moron with bestiality issues.
This will top off at around 280 million. Mark. My. Words.

3. Brothers
9 Million

(I was dead on with this prediction.) I'm surprised this film didn't pull in more, considering that most people surely thought this was an urban drama starring Cuba Gooding Jr.

4. A Christmas Carol
7.5 Million

Disney will do ANYTHING to get this to 150 million before Avatar takes away all their 3D screens.
First born children were sold to get this film made.

5. Old Dogs
6.9 Million.

Remember "the people" I mentioned? Yeah. They LOVE this movie.

How To Survive a Post Show Hangover

So, everything went great and the reviews are awesome and the audience loved you and now you wanna go get shitfaced.
Some people would say "drink responsibly" or "make sure you don't go overboard".
Fuck em.
This is your time to act like a fool and say 72 things you're going to regret in the morning and/or the rest of your life.
So go all out.
Start the night with beer bongs and end with tequilla shots.
Put gin and jack and an apple in a blender and see what happens.
Do body shots off the usher--they love it!
Now, the fall out.
I'm going to tell you how to survive the day after the best night of your life.

1.
DRINK WATER
You won't remember to do it during the night, so do it first thing in the morning.
If you want you can drink some OJ or carrot juice, but nothing works as good as water.
Well, maybe a time machine that could toss you to back to last night so you can avoid the massive whiplash and the soul-crushing-pain of the present.
But if you can't afford the technology, nothing restarts your body like H20.

2.
TAKE A SHOWER
Alternate between hot and cold water for about 10 minutes.
You'll feel freaking amazing.
I don't know who thought of this and I'm not trying to be racist but let's just call this "an irish tradition".

3.
PIG OUT
This is your excuse to devour any piece of shit you want to shove your face with. Mcdonald's is great.
Potbelly's is perfection.
The best hangover killers contain LOTS and LOTS of starch.
Eating rice with eggs is amazing (and maybe kind of healthy, I don't know, I'm not freaking Martha Stewart.)

4.
STAND UP
Don't lay down the whole day. True, sleep is an important part of the recovery process, but if you're awake you can't just lie down and feel sorry for yourself.
Why?
Well because a) it's pathetic and b) you need to TRAIN your body.
Think of hangovers as fire drills for the apocolypse.
It's going to happen whether you like it or not--but are you (wo)man enough to survive?
You're going to have to go to work in a few hours; train your body to stand up and look like you give a rats ass.

5.
SMOKE WEED
You HAVE to.
Sure, you can swallow 90 pills for your headache and mix herbel such-and-such with that stomach relaxer you got from Walgreens,
but the only thing that's going to take away the brain-squeezing pain of THE WORST HANGOVER OF YOUR LIFE is by toking a hardcore major bowl.
Weed relaxes your body.
Sure, it's not going to cure your entire hangover, but stomach pain is one of the most uncomfortable things EVER.
Take a few hits and get on with the day. Besides, if you tell everyone your hungover, they're probally just going to assume you're baked anyway, so why not take this tradgey to the next level?
Now, the most important thing to remember--more important then rice and weed and praying to God for the pain to be over--
THIS.WILL.HAPPEN.AGAIN.
And, unless you turn into a total nun, you're not going to want to drink responsiliby.
So make up for your mistakes later, and remember:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS: FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4TH

1. "The Blind Side"

22 Million
Everybody is eating up this male-version-of-"Preciouis"-savior-porn-oscar-bait like it's ice cream in July.
I love Sandra Bullock.
LOVE Sandra Bullock.
But the only thing that's worse then disaster porn ("2012") is savior porn.

2. "Twilight: Ass Moon"

So this is huge. But not crossover-take-your-brother-and-Mother-and-baby-daddies-frienemy huge.
This is tween girl huge.
It'll cap out at around 280 million, which is an immense amount for a film that cost 50 million to make.
But is 280 million enough to buy back the soul of talented screenwriter Mellisa Rosenberg?
Twilight: 50 Million to make, 280 final gross.
Mellisa's Screenwriting Soul: Priceless.

3. "Brothers"

9 Million
What happens when you put Queen Amadalia, The Prince of Persia, and Spiderman in the same movie?
Millions of people wait for the rental.

4. "Old Dogs"

7.5 Million
This should already be on DVD.
And on fire.

5. "Armored"

Jesus. Really? REALLY? Laurence Fishburne, really? First CSI/NCIS/OMG/LOL and then THIS?
I think I saw this on TNT last year with bleeped out language and blurry spots over the nudity.

The National Board of Review -------OR-------- The Oscar Season Has Begun!

The NBR is the first big list out.
It sets the bar. Paves the way.
It's been around since 1909. Critics, scholars, academics--these people are smart.
Now, there's a lot that hasn't been seen yet (Nine, Avatar) but the ten films they picked should be pretty freaking awesome.
However, they're known for some weird tastes and a massive case of o.p.s (old-people-syndrome.)
One of their most shocking inclusions happened two years ago, when they got drunk and picked "The Bucket List" for one of their ten spots.
The list for '09 is:

Best Film:
Up In The Air

Top Eleven Films (In alphabetical order):
An Education
(500) Days Of Summer
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Invictus
The Messenger
A Serious Man
Star Trek
Up
Up In The Air
Where The Wild Things Are

Best Director:
Clint Eastwood, Invictus

Best Actor:
Morgan Freeman, Invictus and George Clooney, Up In The Air (tie)

Best Actress:
Carey Mulligan, An Education

Best Supporting Actor:
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger

Best Supporting Actress:
Anna Kendrick, Up In The Air

Best Foreign Film:
A Prophet

Best Documentary:
The Cove

Best Animated Feature:
Up

Best Ensemble Cast:
It’s Complicated

Breakthrough Performance by an Actor:
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Breakthrough Performance by an Actress:
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious

Spotlight Award for Best Directorial Debut:
Duncan Jones, Moon, Oren Moverman,
The Messenger and Marc Webb, 500 Days of Summer (tie)

Best Original Screenplay:
Joel & Ethan Coen, A Serious Man

Best Adapted Screenplay:
Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air

Special Filmmaking Achievement Award:
Wes Anderson, The Fantastic Mr. Fox

William K. Everson Film History Award:
Jean Picker Firstenberg

NBR Freedom of Expression:
Burma Vj: Reporting From A Closed Country,
Invictus,
The Most Dangerous Man In America: Daniel Ellseberg And The Pentagon Papers

Top Ten Independent Films (In alphabetical order):
Amreeka
District 9
Goodbye Solo
Humpday
In The Loop
Julia
Me And Orson Welles
Moon
Sugar
Two Lovers

Top Six Foreign Films (In alphabetical order):
The Maid
A Prophet
Revanche
Song Of Sparrows
Three Monkeys
The White Ribbon

Top Six Documentary Films (In alphabetical order):
Burma Vj: Reporting From A Closed Country
The Cove
Crude
Food, Inc.
Good Hair
The Most Dangerous Man In America: Daniel Ellsberg And The Pentagon Papers

"Get" Glee: Episode 12, "MATRESS"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.................................................
One baby-mama-drama down, one to go.
In the most dramatic scene of the series twelve episodes, Will and Terri had a good old fashioned kitchen-sink fight which resulted in the WORST SUBPLOT ON FOX TELEVISION going the way of the dodo--
Gone forever, but never forgotten.
Since the pregnancy subplot is most people's only real gripe with the show, "Glee" viewers will be a lot more comfortable voicing their excitement for next week's finale. Gone are the days of Jessica Gilsig plotting like a Disney villain with her chunky-monkey sister. The un-funny pre-natal jokes.
The writers coming up with reasons for Will and his wife not touching each other?
GOODBYE, FOREVER!
In one tiny scene, "Glee" repaired it's sinking ship.
"Mattress" was all about throwing out the garbage. Finally, the strange little subplot-babies that have been growing up all season are now ready to get the hell out of the house.
...........................................
1.
"Coaches and Guidance Counselor's Make The Stupidest Decisions In The World"
Tanaka and Pilsbury's wedding is NEXT WEEK.
And not a moment too soon. Tanaka's jealousy of Sheuester is both pathetic and kinda gay. And what a MASTER manipulator. By planning the wedding on the same day as sectionals, Tanaka not only creates major drama with his fiance, but allows "Glee" to have the option of showing a heartbreaking wedding scene OR a jaw-dropping "Runaway Bride" sequence.
Thanks Tanaka!
2.
"Sue Sylvester is Fucking Insane"
I thought I was the only one who thought that Sue's lack of a master plan was coming off as VERY "Single White Female." Now that Shuester (who might be the stupidest smart guy ever) realizes that the Sue's exit strategy makes George Bush look like a genius, we're free to openly root for Sue's downfall.
Screw the D.S sister in the nursing home. Sue's just bored, and however funny calling someone "ugly and annoying" on live TV might be, it still deserves payback.
Let's hope a slushie in the face is waiting right down the hall.
3.
"Baby Mama Drama pt 2"
This is the only stopping point in next week's proposed awesomeness. Does anybody really care about Quinn and her fucking emotional issues?
She's a liar, a pervert, a cheater, a leaver, a loser. The actress that plays her is a terrible singer and dancer.
She's uncomfortable to watch and is better fit basking in the limelight of a CW primetime drama then on TV'S saddest show.
Can she just become a "Wildcat" already and dance with Zac and Vanessa?
.......................................
So, after next week "Glee" is taking the spring off.
Like, until MARCH.
As sad as that fact may be, we're left with 13 episodes.
Groundwork.
The creators told a complete story that will FINALLY be resolved at next week sectionals. There was a beginning, a middle, and as we're crossing the finish line it's time to reflect on the immense feat of storytelling that FOX (of ALL networks) attempted.
In every episode we have characters singing songs from the bottom of their hearts. 9 times out of 10, these numbers progress their characters not only to the next scene, but the next episode.
Most musicals have a hard enough time making their characters interesting for two hours; "Glee" has kept this going for over half a season.
Bravo.
THE BEST:
-Sue's Monologue.
-The entire Mattress leaping musical number.
-The showdown between the Shuesters.
-The finale, "Smile", which was possibly the saddest thing the show has done through song. Jesus, these kids are walking ads for Prozac prescriptions.

GRADE:
Musical Numbers: B
Gayness: B
Dialogue: A (Nice job, Ryan Murphy)
Toxic Insanity: A
Sub-Plot-Cleanup: A

G.P.A: 3.5

THEATER REVIEW: HOLES

Reviewed by Ike Holter
......................................
There's nothing like an audience of over caffeinated kids cramped into a downtown theater on the dark side of 10am. They squeal. They spill. They scream.
These tortures usually stop a show cold, but, in the case of "Holes", the audience plays an active part in the enjoyment of the new play from Depaul Theater's Playwork's series.
Adapted from his award winning young adult, Louis Sachar creates a world where teenage delinquents serve time digging holes in the desert. Andrew Goetten plays Stanley Yelynats (yes, his first name is his last name spelled backwards)-- a sweet kid serving what could become a death sentence digging deep pits in the hot heat. Goetten is wonderful with the fish-out-of-water scenario the plays demands; he's an outcast in a sea of outcasts. Lucy Sandy (a girl!) plays Zero, Stanley's only confident in the soul sucking wasteland lorded over by the Warden (a shocking and effective Meg Elliot). Mark Thomas Boergers and Conor McChail are stellar as the Warden's henchmen; at first cute and comedic, then terrifyingly imposing.
When Stanley and Zero discover the Warden's real reason for digging massive holes in the earth, the play becomes a comedic-adventure that touches on race, class, and family history.
The play includes flashback segments that play directly into Stanley's adventures in the desert. Rashaad Hall and Katherine Cobb do great work in a shocking subplot that's THIS close to being too adult for young audiences (but aren't those always the best?)
The play opts for a "grown up" sense of style and pacing; there's no sight gags or cheap-thrills in John Jenkins direction. Instead of pandering, the play asks the young audience to step up and focus on the story at hand.
And the best part? The audience WANTS to step up. Once the play settled into it's rhythm, The audience of 300 5th graders were at the edge of their seats, watching "Holes" with the same kind of attention that's reserved for a night out at the movies.

Box Office Predictions: Friday, November 29tth

1. "Twilight: Ass Moon"
40 Million







I underestimated the tween-tsunami and it's effect on the young, the (really) old, the gay and the necrophiliacs.
Now staking out the third biggest opening of all time, "Ass Moon" will continue to shine brightly this week.
"Twilight" is a lot like Harry Potter.
Except in this version Harry's a total virgin and Cedric Diggory is a horny dead guy and VAMPIRES CAN GO OUT IN THE DAYLIGHT.
2. "The Blind Side" or "Precious For Dummies"
35 million
Poor Sandra.
The biggest hit of her career is destined to be a box office footnote in the glow of the "Ass Moon."
But watch out. Old people love crap like this, and by years end it will have crossed the 140 million dollar mark. Sandra might even inch super-close to taking down the "Ass Moon".
3. "A Christmas Carol"
13 Million
NOW it's time for a holiday that's a month away.
Going to see a Christmas movie last week would have been, like, WAY too soon.
4. "Old Dogs"
12.5 Million
Don't encourage Robin Williams.
5. "Ninja Assassin"
12 Million
This seems like it came out two years ago and is already playing a bunch of times on TNT.

"Get" Glee: Ep.11 "Hairography"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.........................
Did you cry or vomit while watching the sign-song choir preform "Imagine"?
A little bit of both?
That's totally fine. I'm right there with you.
This week, I watched "Glee" in the (formerly haunted) bar/music venue "The Spot". On two jumbo screens, I was allowed to openly geek out with fellow (I will NOT call them "Gleeks")like-minded-homies, who drank nearly as much as I did.
And thank God I was at a bar.
Watching this episode was like being i the back of your drunk-driving Aunt's pinto as she swerves her way through Thanksgiving Day Traffic.
There were so many moments that walked the tightrope of "wonderful", only to fall into the deep pit of "vomit."
Ian Brennan, the writer who was smart enough to have a whole football team preform "Single Ladies" mid-game, gave us "Hairography"an introduction to the art of faking it.
....................
1.
Eve and the Dancing High School Strippers
30 barely-legals dancing in yellow tops with black tights to a Destiny's Child song that's over 10 years old. Rachel dubbed their performance as a simply act of "Hairography": by putting emphasis on their wild and flowing hair, they're taking your eyes off of their mawkish and half-assed high kicks.
2.
Baby-Mama-Drama
Terri continues the WORST plot line on the show by buying her husband an old car so he won't fuck her.
What is this, the 90's?
3.
Quinn and Puck vs Cheaper By The Dozen
In a sub-plot straight out of "Saved By The Bell", Terri convinces Quinn to babysit her kids so Quinn will realize the evils of pre-adolescence. Quinn decided this would be a perfect time for a performance of "Papa Don't Preach".
................
The pregnancy story-lines need to disappear.
Completely.
Let's be honest here. While sitting at The Spot, looking around the room, I realized what Glee's target audience really is.
-Gay men.
-Gay women.
-Straight women with big bank accounts.
-Straight men who are dragged along in the process.
That's it. When the show panders to this "will she give up the baby" mama-drama, the entire tone of the show shifts.
It becomes about boring adults issues, and, worse, boring STRAIGHT PEOPLE issues.
The gays don't carry if you don't want to have a baby.
In these scenes, the show seems like a Monday night CBS dramadey staring Tyne Daly.
NOBODY CAME HERE TO SEE TYNE DALY.
However, the musical numbers truly saved this episode. From the Destiny's Child opening down to the "Crazy in love"/"Hair" mash-ups, the songs kicked the scripted narrative's ass. Adam Anders, the mixer/composer, has been doing excellent work in making over-used jingles seem fresh as well as touching up old standards.
It seems that the episodes which concentrate merely on plot "Wheels" and let the numbers sit in the background have a more consistent tone then the break-out-into-insanity freak shows like "Mash-Up"; which seem to be made to merely sell itunes.
.....................
"GLEE" G.P.A.
MUSICAL NUMBERS
A
GAYNESS
C+
DIALOGUE
B
STRUCTURE
C+
GRADE:
B-

"Peter Gallagher: Don't Give Up On Me"

Reviewed By Ike Holter
......................
Those eyebrows. Those eyes. That voice?
Peter Gallagher is like the male Sandra Bullock: always like able, but never entirely convincing.
Yes, Gallagher has appeared in several Broadway shows including the 90's revival of "Guys and Dolls" and "Hair". However, most people know him for his film and Television work, which spans the from high-art ("American Beauty") to high camp ("The O.C"). Anyone who can work under an Academy Award winning director and then fall straight into a syndicated tween series on Fox should surely have a lot to say about the state of theater, or film, or, I don't know, the weather.
Instead, "Don't Give Up On Me" focuses on Gallagher's obsession with actors like Jack Lemmon and Richard Burton. He uses these memories to shoe-horn in a few solos. Some transitions work exceptionally well, but even Elaine Strich might have trouble building a bridge between a monologue about Jack Lemmons car and a soaring rendition of "What's New Pussycat."

The Top 5 Ways To Pretend You're Good At Directing

by Ike Holter
.............

1.
Be The First @ Rehearsal.


Imagine an overzealous actor. Early for everything; always armed with a clipboard and a notepad and just a dash of insanity.
Think Tori Spelling, or Elmo.
Now, imagine that actor rushing to the rehearsal room, high on the authority of being seated before the stage manager even makes an entrance.
Time is money and if you're quick you're rich.
It's power.
Take that power from the S.M, the lead actress, your assistant director and the janitorial staff by being the first person in that room.
Even if you're sleeping.

2.
Tell The Stage Manager EVERYTHING.
Don't be afraid to treat the S.M like the Oprah that person obviously is. They're going to be chained down to a desk next to you for the next four weeks--you might as well arrange the chairs as if you're on a talk show. Try "Conan" style or maybe do some "Ellen" thing where you dance a lot. Maybe bring a few liters of vodka to rehearsal and try some "Chelsea Lately" dishing and bitching (but hide the booze in coffee cups like they do on "Leno".)
Anyway, S.M's LOVE the drama. So, make sure you provide enough O.M.G's to keep them interested in you BUT avoid T.M.I or else they'll think you're a total creep and probably blog about you.

3.
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
Don't touch the props.
Don't touch the set.
Don't touch the lights.
Don't touch the actors.
Ever.
Once you touch something suddenly everyone thinks you know everything about anything and the next thing you know they'll be handing you gaff tape and asking you to "measure off the stage" (And what does that even MEAN?) or telling you to take so and so's measurment's and put a doohickey on what's his face and don't ever ever EVER voulenteer to do ANYYTHING in the box office.
Folding programs is a gateway drug that will lead you to photo-copying and house managing.
Director's are meant to be heard, NOT seen, SO always keep a script in your hand so you don't get handed anything.

4.
Wear Something Hot OR Dress To Depress

Actors will always be the prettiest people in the room.
Don't get mad about it.
Instead, focus all of your pre-show energy into accessorizing. The actors are busy memorizing lines and the tech's doing whatever they do: You should find some shit to wear.
Now, there's two different schools of Director Dress.
SCHOOL of BRETT RATNER
Dress like a total fucktard so that the actors know you're cool as shit and dirty and high and you only wash your clothes at Christmas.
This approach is usually a last ditch effort at "relating to the kids" and is frowned upon in Regional houses.
You can only attempt the BRETT RATNER if you're working in theater with ticket prices less then 5 dollars OR working in a theater with ticket prices over 120 dollars.
NOTHING in between.
If that doesn't work for you, try the
SCHOOL of SAM RAMI
Dress up. Always. A nice tie with a button up or just a suit-coat and a short sleeve. Maybe a hat with a feather on it. Who knows? Make yourself look pleasant because you are not the best looking person in the room.
(Most likely you're in the bottom ten percentile.)
Clothes are currency and currency is confidence.

5.
Don't Fuck Up

No, for serious.
Everyone is depending on you and there's money at stake and you don't want to be that person who makes so and so quit loving what they do and become a vet.
Don't be too serious.
Don't make dick jokes.
Don't quote someone unless it's the playwright.
And, most important--
Don't yell.
(It's just tacky.)
However, chair throwing and wall punching are totally acceptable and are in fact appropriate.
But, once you smash your fist through the wall or chuck the folding chair, there's really nowhere else to go but yelling and YOU DON'T WANT TO YELL.
So stick to punching and chucking things, don't fuck the actors, be on time and dress like a total hottie and you'll be the best director of all time (adjusted.)

Box Office Predictions: Thursday, Nov. 19th

By Ike Holter
...........
Is this really the most anticipated film of the year?
We'll see. After reports of "Twilight: New Moon" breaking pre-sale records on Fandango and MovieTickets, this teen-vampire-mormon-maudlin-meltdown-mega-picture will open bigger then the highly anticipated "Watchmen" and "Wolverine".
I can't wait to look back at this in 2019 and laugh.
Then cry.

1. "Twilight: New Moon"
105 Million
The first installment pulled in 69 million over three days. People were shocked. Jaws down to the floor.
Sequels usually squander their new audience--made up of people who saw it on video, on an airplane--in the midnight showing/opening day bracket. The midnight shows are sold out and tomorrow will be huge.
2. "2012"
28 Million
They came. They saw. They shrugged.
2012 is playing like the biggest summer film November has ever seen. Expect a sizable summer drop below 30 million. It'll make one last Hail Mary marketing push through thanksgiving weekend, then make the slow slide to DVD in February.
3. "A Christmas Carol"
14 million
Something about the month of November and Jim Carrey kid films.
4. "The Blind Side"
12 Million
I'm shocked that most people aren't disgusted by the white-woman-saves-big-black-man-but-it's-OK-because-it's-a-true-story shit-storm Sandra Bullocks' been cooking up.
But people are coming. FOR TIM MCGRAW.
Listening to a McGraw fan explain their fascination for soapy procedurals like this is worse then hearing remarks made by the people in line for Sarah Palin's book tour.
Youtube it.
5. "Precious"
12 Million
It's gonna break out even bigger this weekend.
I stand by my "50 million by Christmas" prediction.
Oprah and Tyler are totally having a party.
*
Now let's check back on Sunday to see if I'm right on the nose or totally off my rocker. Or a little bit of both. (Everyday another holler.)

"Young Frankenstien"

@ The Cadillac Theater:
Reviewed by Ike Holter
.........................

Mel Brooks new musical comes with a litmus test.
Frankenstein and his Monster preform "Puttin' on the ritz" with top-hats and snap canes. After about two minutes they're joined by three supporting players: the girl, the sidekick, and the comic relief. THEN--the entire twenty-two person chorus.
The song goes on. For five minutes. With strobe lights. And costume changes. And kick-lines and leaping and pratfalls and it's all too much for most sane people.
"Puttin' on the ritz" is probably the only part of Mel Brooks original film that worked in musical form. Now, it's one of the worst numbers in a show weighed down with overload.
Roger Bart reprises his role of Dr. Frankenstein from the Broadway version of Mel Brooks original film based on the original story by Mary Shelly. (Wow. Headache.) Bart's energy is infectious; the entire supporting cast is at their best when they're keeping up with Bart's rat-tat-tat rhythm. After a supporting turn in "The Producers", Bart knows how to sell Brook's Sid Caesar style of speech.
While the cast is perfectly acceptable, the musical numbers are flatter then Frankenstein's feet and twice as clunky. Numbers come and go as they please with no real help to the plot.
Fans of the film will smile during the first act's nods to the original source material, but the slavish second act's reenactments of the classic film grind this monstrosity to a halt.
Once again: When the entire cast begins an over-choreographed dance break-down to "Puttin' on the ritz", you're either in for the long haul or you're out of the theater quicker then the first audience of "Springtime for Hitler."

"Get" Glee: Ep.10-"Ballad"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.....................

Has anybody ever sung to a sonogram? Historically. Like ever. Like ever in the history of ever. Does it happen?
Well, call the Guinness Book of World Records because last night at 8pm some football jock laid on his bed in Ohio and sang a Pretenders song to the sonogram of his unborn child.
And I was fine with it.
More then fine. I think I might have been moved. Or nauseous. Maybe both, and that's not a bad thing.
Screw the Winter Olympics. The best tightrope walking on TV happens on "Glee". Every week they give the audience a jaw dropping obstacle.
Can a kid in a wheelchair sing "Proud Mary" and make it work? Can we have a mentally handicapped cheerleader be credible? Can a grown man impersonating a 17 year old honestly sing "I'll Stand By You" to a picture of a baby that's not even his?
Gold.
.......................
"Ballad", written by series co-creator Brad Falchuk, centers around the notion of song as story.
1. Stalker-Students
Shuester told the Glee kids to partner up and preform a ballad.
He also made the mistake of giving a white girl some Diana Ross song. (Nothing good can ever come of that. EVER.) Rachel become a star-drunk-stalker-4-Shuester, going so far as to clean his house and cook him dinner. With the help of a former tormented teen (Sarah Drew in totally nutso pajamas's mode), Rachel realizes she can't continue her feelings for her teacher and decides to cut the cord.
Thank God, because I dread the thought of a sweeps-week-special where Rachel decides to do a scene from David Mamet's "Oleana."
2. Baby-Mama-Faja-Drama
Selfish-ice-queen-ex-cheerleader-total-bitchface Quinn finally introduces the "Father" of her child to her parents. To psyche himself up for this, Finn decides to use his "most powerful instrument": His voice.
(I'd say actor Cory Moneith's most powerful instrument would have to be his charisma, but hey, this is a fantasy series, right?)
He tells Quinn's parents (through a Paul Anka song, of course) that he'sthe Father of Quinn's surprise pregnancy.
Gasp!
Shock!
Awe-hell-no!
Quinn get's tossed out of her house quicker then a toaster-strudel-slut. At the end of the episode, she moves into Finn's home and hopefully stops being sung an angsty little migraine.
...................
Now back to the singing sonogram.
"Ballad" succeeds because it follows the strict rules of an actual story-song. It tells a small story. It commits to it's utter cheesiness. It rocks by it's own rules.
The sonogram-scene can't be played for comedy. Or pathos. Or depth, or intelligence--it is what it is.
Cory Moneith's voice is terrible, but his conviction to the moment is monumental. He believes everything he's singing, he's committed to this insane world, and he doesn't wink at the camera.
Anyone who's seen "Gypsy" probably flashed back to Gypsy Rose Lee singing "Little Lamb" to her cardboard-cut-out animal.
Critics have called this the worst song in the show, but I'm always fascinated watching the actor who has to commit to this scene. It's a "book" moment. We're forced to watch a character at their most vulnerable because the story wants us to take note: this person bruises easily. Look closer.
......
MIDTERMS:
STORY:
A
GAYNESS:
B-
SONGS:
B+
DRAMA-RAMA:
B+
G.P.A:
3.33=B+

Bad Liteutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Reviewed by Ike Holter
........................
I don't believe in Nic Cage.
He's a centaur. Some mythical beast who could rear up on his hind legs and massacre a whole town in the middle of the night.
He terrifies me.
Watching "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans" was like returning to the scene of some traumatizing childhood nightmare. Based on a 1992 feature staring Harvey Keitel, "New Orleans" attempts to be deep, shallow, sexy, repulsive; violent, slutty, and obnoxious.
In the film's opening, we're introduced to Cage and Val Kilmer(?!?!): two burly, brash bad-boys patrolling the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. When Cage jumps into a flooded prison to rescue a drowning inmate, he permanently screws up his back, leading him down the "American Beauty" road of popping pills and doing various amounts of illegal substances.
Watch Nic Cage hallucinate! Watch Nic Cage solve crime! Watch Nic Cage assault two old women in a nursing home! (Actually, that scene is wonderful.)Famed director Werner Herzog lenses the film like a two-bit after hours noir flick on Skinemax but, with all this B-movie drama, "Orleans" can't quite muster the might to look into the mirror and find out what kind of film it truly is. It's not an action film, a drama, or a comedy. It's a performance piece for Cage; a fairy tale about bad men getting away with bad things.
If that's up your alley then step right on up to see the twisted tale of Mr. Cage.
I'll be hiding under my bed.

Box Office Results: Nov.15th

1. 2012
65 Million
-Well, I shot for 61 and I was right on the money.
Everybody loves disaster porn. It's like real porn, except in real porn you don't get John Cusack (with clothes on.)
This film cost 200 million. 200 million. (Remember when that was like a big deal? Like, most expensive movie ever made "big deal"?)
This will play out through Thanksgiving, but will get a major drop next week when "Twilight: Ass Moon" debuts in theaters.
I predict a final total in the 170-185 million dollar range.
Worldwide, it's huge; over 220 million dollars and counting.
2. A Christmas Carol
22 Million
A slim 25 percent drop. That's nothing. Next week, look for a total in the 15 million range, then, the week after that, it'll have a nice Thanksgiving bounce to about 20 million. "It's the most wonderful time--"
3. The Men Who Stare @ Goats
At a cost of 30 million, TMWS@G is on it's way to a domestic probability most other mediocre comedies can only dream of.
4. Precious
6 Million
In only two weeks, this Oprah/Tyler Perry produced "Slumdog" in the making (I HATE saying that) is going to pass it's 10 million dollar budget by about Thursday. Next week? More expansion. More per screen average then the number one film. Big numbers, long play; and we've only just entered the start of Oscar Season. "It's the most wonderful time--"
5. "This it it"
5 Million
Michael got his ass handed to him by an Obese black chick who steals fried chicken. (No, she does. See the movie.)
"This is it" is doing huge numbers domestically (it's already the biggest concert film of all time, beating--gasp--Hannah Montana!) But internationally it's gigantic.
This film will get to about 310 million worldwide and find a long and healthy life on DVD, especially with a release on--wait for it--CHRISTMAS WEEKEND!
"It's the most wonderful time--of the year!"