The Top 5 Ways To Pretend You're Good At Directing

by Ike Holter
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1.
Be The First @ Rehearsal.


Imagine an overzealous actor. Early for everything; always armed with a clipboard and a notepad and just a dash of insanity.
Think Tori Spelling, or Elmo.
Now, imagine that actor rushing to the rehearsal room, high on the authority of being seated before the stage manager even makes an entrance.
Time is money and if you're quick you're rich.
It's power.
Take that power from the S.M, the lead actress, your assistant director and the janitorial staff by being the first person in that room.
Even if you're sleeping.

2.
Tell The Stage Manager EVERYTHING.
Don't be afraid to treat the S.M like the Oprah that person obviously is. They're going to be chained down to a desk next to you for the next four weeks--you might as well arrange the chairs as if you're on a talk show. Try "Conan" style or maybe do some "Ellen" thing where you dance a lot. Maybe bring a few liters of vodka to rehearsal and try some "Chelsea Lately" dishing and bitching (but hide the booze in coffee cups like they do on "Leno".)
Anyway, S.M's LOVE the drama. So, make sure you provide enough O.M.G's to keep them interested in you BUT avoid T.M.I or else they'll think you're a total creep and probably blog about you.

3.
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
Don't touch the props.
Don't touch the set.
Don't touch the lights.
Don't touch the actors.
Ever.
Once you touch something suddenly everyone thinks you know everything about anything and the next thing you know they'll be handing you gaff tape and asking you to "measure off the stage" (And what does that even MEAN?) or telling you to take so and so's measurment's and put a doohickey on what's his face and don't ever ever EVER voulenteer to do ANYYTHING in the box office.
Folding programs is a gateway drug that will lead you to photo-copying and house managing.
Director's are meant to be heard, NOT seen, SO always keep a script in your hand so you don't get handed anything.

4.
Wear Something Hot OR Dress To Depress

Actors will always be the prettiest people in the room.
Don't get mad about it.
Instead, focus all of your pre-show energy into accessorizing. The actors are busy memorizing lines and the tech's doing whatever they do: You should find some shit to wear.
Now, there's two different schools of Director Dress.
SCHOOL of BRETT RATNER
Dress like a total fucktard so that the actors know you're cool as shit and dirty and high and you only wash your clothes at Christmas.
This approach is usually a last ditch effort at "relating to the kids" and is frowned upon in Regional houses.
You can only attempt the BRETT RATNER if you're working in theater with ticket prices less then 5 dollars OR working in a theater with ticket prices over 120 dollars.
NOTHING in between.
If that doesn't work for you, try the
SCHOOL of SAM RAMI
Dress up. Always. A nice tie with a button up or just a suit-coat and a short sleeve. Maybe a hat with a feather on it. Who knows? Make yourself look pleasant because you are not the best looking person in the room.
(Most likely you're in the bottom ten percentile.)
Clothes are currency and currency is confidence.

5.
Don't Fuck Up

No, for serious.
Everyone is depending on you and there's money at stake and you don't want to be that person who makes so and so quit loving what they do and become a vet.
Don't be too serious.
Don't make dick jokes.
Don't quote someone unless it's the playwright.
And, most important--
Don't yell.
(It's just tacky.)
However, chair throwing and wall punching are totally acceptable and are in fact appropriate.
But, once you smash your fist through the wall or chuck the folding chair, there's really nowhere else to go but yelling and YOU DON'T WANT TO YELL.
So stick to punching and chucking things, don't fuck the actors, be on time and dress like a total hottie and you'll be the best director of all time (adjusted.)