Previously on Lost:
Ok so the Island six are slipping through time (and space) DharamDrama's all over the place Jack's Dad's all up in Locke's face and the big word this season is FATE soooo the Oceanic six are rounded up by Ben who's supposedly doing what Locke failed to do before he died (catch em catch em gotta catch em all) so now the O6 is going BACK to the island (which is like trying to re-crash the Titanic, traumatic) anyway everybody's on the same island now but we still don't know why Locke wanted them to get there in the first place or where the island is in time (and space) and why the redheadednosebleeder was needed in the first place and since when are hope and destiny and fate interlaced (I don't know) stop asking me I'm LOST.
.............
TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Locke's not my favorite.
That being said, I remember the first time I sat down to watch Lost--uh-oh, I feel a flashback coming on
weEEEEEEEErooooow.
(Hey, don't bitch. Everybody else has 'em.)
The first time I saw LOST I watched the first few episodes in a row. Right when I was supposed to turn off the TV and turn on, oh, I don't know, MY LIFE, I caught the first Locke-centric episode, "Walkabout."
As soon as Locke wheeled out from behind that desk--I knew I was hooked on the show.
So, even though Locke always ends at the high end of my annoy-o-meter, that doesn't mean I won't give the big lug some love.
The episode started with Locke wrapped in a cloak that he pulled off the back-rack of the HarryPotterWhiteHairedWitchBitch outlet mall.
Locke appears to the newly crashed island inhabitants, who are much more chill about the whole "our plane just crashed" thing then the Oceanic ensemble EVER was.
(Which leads me to belive at least a few of them were sent on the plane by Widmore. More on that later).
Anyway, everybody's scared of Locke because of his cloak and his bald head and that whole "destiny" thing.
Little do they know, Locke is pretty clueless about how he got there, too.
Flashback--weeeeRRRRRRROW,
and we see Locke's entire journey off the island.
Like some shady sickly Santa Claus, Locke is taken around America, "Driving Miss Daisy" style, by Abadanon, that creepy tall black henchmen.
With Locke in the back seat and Ab as the driver, imagine the high flying adventures!
Or, don't.
Anyway, Locke makes a naughty and nice list of all his island homies.
Nice:
WAAAAAAAALT, who appears not the least bit suprised to see Locke off the Island.
Kid's still fucking creepy.
Naughty:
Kate, Hurley, Jack, Sayid, Sun, and BabyAaron, who didn't say anything but probally puked in his general direction.
Poor Locke.
He's just trying to save some lives and what happens?
He's not greeted as the jolly old man with gifts and shit, no, he's treated more like Will Smith in 7lbs--with general ambivelince and feeble box office returns.
(I know the ending for 7lbs. Don't see it, just ask me to spoil it for you. The truth is out there.)
Now, let' not forget Locke's a man on a missions.
But who's mission?
Jack's Dad--who told him to turn the frozen donky wheel--(Jesus I love this show.)
Or
Widmore--who's set up shop at the same Tuscan desert where Ben appeared during last season.
I honestly get VERY very confused with this Ben vs Jack's Dad vs Jacob thing, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
They all want the same thing--right?
I don't know.
Whatever, moving on--
Nobody wants to go with Jack. Esp. not Kate, who's all like "you just a sad old man mmmk don't come knocking round here no more a'ight I gots a BABY now mmmk?"
Locke is hopeless.
He can't get anybody to jump in the backseat of his creepy sleigh-ride of doom,
his Morgran Freeman like sidekick is shot to death,
and his man-tittes are looking a little ripe post island.
So what does he do?
He tries to commit suicide. But not the simple way like, say, a gunshot to the head or a marathon of "Degrassi" on the N,
no,
Locke does it the good old fashioned way: with a chair, a shitty motel room, and 8 feet of rope from some store called "Hangers".
(Ha. Ha. Funny Funny, writers. Really.)
Well, Ben get's all heroic and saves Locke at the last moment--
only to then STRANGLE Locke himself.
Now.
I've got a few theories about this..since we KNOW Jacob (Or Jack's Dad or whoever Old Man Who Hangs out in Frozen Wheels was) wants Locke to die.
Apparently, it's the only way to go back to the island.
We can assume that Ben knows this, too, just, well, I don't know, just because.
So why does Ben stop him BEFORE Locke does what needed to be done anyway?
......................................................................................................
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
I think he stops Locke because you can't become alive on the island if you kill yourself--somebody else has to kill you.
hmmm? hmmmm?
Once Locke's dead, snake-oil-salesmen Ben can use his anti-Shady-Claus scheming ways to get everybody back to the island, like, for real.
So he sends people to freak out Kate and her baby,
he takes Jin's ring to show Sun,
he fate-rapes Jack into going back,
etc, etc, etc.
All...for...what, exactly?
We keep hearing rumors of a war, but what the fuck is that? Other-others versus simple others?
Man versus fate? 70's versus 00's?
(70's would totally win.)
Or, is it something bigger.
Like--end of the world big.
Er.
Who knows, maybe Desmond will come into play, maybe Faraday's got something to say, maybe the redheadednosebleeder is like Kate Winslet in "The Reader" and the whole island's just some theater and your car's running on the meter and OH fuck it to death who cares I'm LOST.
.................................................................................................
Ok so the Island six are slipping through time (and space) DharamDrama's all over the place Jack's Dad's all up in Locke's face and the big word this season is FATE soooo the Oceanic six are rounded up by Ben who's supposedly doing what Locke failed to do before he died (catch em catch em gotta catch em all) so now the O6 is going BACK to the island (which is like trying to re-crash the Titanic, traumatic) anyway everybody's on the same island now but we still don't know why Locke wanted them to get there in the first place or where the island is in time (and space) and why the redheadednosebleeder was needed in the first place and since when are hope and destiny and fate interlaced (I don't know) stop asking me I'm LOST.
.............
TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Locke's not my favorite.
That being said, I remember the first time I sat down to watch Lost--uh-oh, I feel a flashback coming on
weEEEEEEEErooooow.
(Hey, don't bitch. Everybody else has 'em.)
The first time I saw LOST I watched the first few episodes in a row. Right when I was supposed to turn off the TV and turn on, oh, I don't know, MY LIFE, I caught the first Locke-centric episode, "Walkabout."
As soon as Locke wheeled out from behind that desk--I knew I was hooked on the show.
So, even though Locke always ends at the high end of my annoy-o-meter, that doesn't mean I won't give the big lug some love.
The episode started with Locke wrapped in a cloak that he pulled off the back-rack of the HarryPotterWhiteHairedWitc
Locke appears to the newly crashed island inhabitants, who are much more chill about the whole "our plane just crashed" thing then the Oceanic ensemble EVER was.
(Which leads me to belive at least a few of them were sent on the plane by Widmore. More on that later).
Anyway, everybody's scared of Locke because of his cloak and his bald head and that whole "destiny" thing.
Little do they know, Locke is pretty clueless about how he got there, too.
Flashback--weeeeRRRRRRROW,
and we see Locke's entire journey off the island.
Like some shady sickly Santa Claus, Locke is taken around America, "Driving Miss Daisy" style, by Abadanon, that creepy tall black henchmen.
With Locke in the back seat and Ab as the driver, imagine the high flying adventures!
Or, don't.
Anyway, Locke makes a naughty and nice list of all his island homies.
Nice:
WAAAAAAAALT, who appears not the least bit suprised to see Locke off the Island.
Kid's still fucking creepy.
Naughty:
Kate, Hurley, Jack, Sayid, Sun, and BabyAaron, who didn't say anything but probally puked in his general direction.
Poor Locke.
He's just trying to save some lives and what happens?
He's not greeted as the jolly old man with gifts and shit, no, he's treated more like Will Smith in 7lbs--with general ambivelince and feeble box office returns.
(I know the ending for 7lbs. Don't see it, just ask me to spoil it for you. The truth is out there.)
Now, let' not forget Locke's a man on a missions.
But who's mission?
Jack's Dad--who told him to turn the frozen donky wheel--(Jesus I love this show.)
Or
Widmore--who's set up shop at the same Tuscan desert where Ben appeared during last season.
I honestly get VERY very confused with this Ben vs Jack's Dad vs Jacob thing, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
They all want the same thing--right?
I don't know.
Whatever, moving on--
Nobody wants to go with Jack. Esp. not Kate, who's all like "you just a sad old man mmmk don't come knocking round here no more a'ight I gots a BABY now mmmk?"
Locke is hopeless.
He can't get anybody to jump in the backseat of his creepy sleigh-ride of doom,
his Morgran Freeman like sidekick is shot to death,
and his man-tittes are looking a little ripe post island.
So what does he do?
He tries to commit suicide. But not the simple way like, say, a gunshot to the head or a marathon of "Degrassi" on the N,
no,
Locke does it the good old fashioned way: with a chair, a shitty motel room, and 8 feet of rope from some store called "Hangers".
(Ha. Ha. Funny Funny, writers. Really.)
Well, Ben get's all heroic and saves Locke at the last moment--
only to then STRANGLE Locke himself.
Now.
I've got a few theories about this..since we KNOW Jacob (Or Jack's Dad or whoever Old Man Who Hangs out in Frozen Wheels was) wants Locke to die.
Apparently, it's the only way to go back to the island.
We can assume that Ben knows this, too, just, well, I don't know, just because.
So why does Ben stop him BEFORE Locke does what needed to be done anyway?
..........................
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
I think he stops Locke because you can't become alive on the island if you kill yourself--somebody else has to kill you.
hmmm? hmmmm?
Once Locke's dead, snake-oil-salesmen Ben can use his anti-Shady-Claus scheming ways to get everybody back to the island, like, for real.
So he sends people to freak out Kate and her baby,
he takes Jin's ring to show Sun,
he fate-rapes Jack into going back,
etc, etc, etc.
All...for...what, exactly?
We keep hearing rumors of a war, but what the fuck is that? Other-others versus simple others?
Man versus fate? 70's versus 00's?
(70's would totally win.)
Or, is it something bigger.
Like--end of the world big.
Er.
Who knows, maybe Desmond will come into play, maybe Faraday's got something to say, maybe the redheadednosebleeder is like Kate Winslet in "The Reader" and the whole island's just some theater and your car's running on the meter and OH fuck it to death who cares I'm LOST.
..........................
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