PREVIOUSLY on "LOST"-
So the islands all like "I'll put a spell on you" and our castaways are spread out in two different time periods (Hot people=1977, ugly people=2007) and everybody's going all vision questy trying to find their fathers or talk to dead people or make star wars sequels ("Lost", it GOES there) ANYWAY shit gets bonkers when hottie-mc-hothot Daniel Faraday comes back to the island on a sub and goes all RipVanWinkle on these motherfuckers and is all like "Who says I can't change the past y'all don't know me I'ma crazy mofo from the wrong side of the island, BRING IT!" and then shit gets broughten when he stumbles into the camp of the Hostile Other-Other-Other's-Others and gets shot by his Mother (Oh, Brother) anyway Locke's alive and wants to kill Jacob, Jack's jumping into subterranean holes in the ground (And I'm not talking about Kate's loose vag) and Hurley STILL doesn't know who was president in 1977 (it was Jimmy Carter...Right...Right?!) oh who cares fuck this noise I'm LOST.
...........
TELLING IT LIKE IT IS:
Wow. When "Lost" takes a break, "Lost" takes a BREAK.
I didn't recap the last few episodes because I think they would all flow better on DVD. Honestly. There's not much I can pick apart from Ben seeing his dead daughter or Hurley and Miles chomping scenery while waiting for the end credits to come I MEAN waiting for something...to...happen.
The "Lost" Lull totally busted apart last week--Daniel Faraday (formerly my favorite character/constant/fan-fiction-fodder) bought-the-farm.
It turns out his "whatever happened, happened" speech from a few weeks ago was total bullshit.
....Or was it?
If we're to believe that the past CAN change, then Daniel's theory is wrong.
But, if his quote still stands, then that means his Mother--The whitehairedharrypotterwitchbitch (come on now I TOLD y'all they were related)--KNEW that she would, one day, shoot her son.
THAT means she sent Faraday back to the Island to die.
That's cold, yo.
THE HATEFUL WOMEN OF "LOST"
Speaking of whitehariedharrypotterwitchbitch, what is her fucking DEAL?!
FIRST she lets that sleazy-steamy-pile-of-cheesy-d-bag Widmore knock her up,
THEN she makes her son stop playing the piano to focus on science (Come on, piano players get all the red-headed-nose-bleeding-chicks)
AND THEN she has the NERVE to dress like she's about to teach a make-up session of Herbology.
Get your priorities straight, woman.
(EDIT: Sorry. I am still reeling from the death of my beloved Faraday. I was already supposed to be past the 7 stages of death, but I think I'm on the eighth, which is callous, unadulterated bitchiness.)
....Anyway.
SPEAKING of people who fuck up everything they touch, what's up with Kate?
Christ. Can this woman do ANYTHING right?
KATE'S LIST OF HUGE THINGS TO FUCK UP IN THE MOST MELODRAMATIC WAY--Day 3
1. Save future Hitler Ben from getting shot in the heart from Sayid. (Just because, lol!)
2. Totally tell his Father what I did and put my homies life in jeopardy. (Sweeps week ha-ha!)
3. Crash Juliet and Sawyers love sub with my wandering eye and generally foul odor. (Check!)
Kate's a homewrecker, a fate-tester, and a slap-dash-mad-cap-thunderclap-clusterfuck.
If ANYONE dies in the season finale, it must be Kate.
(But I think it's gonna be Juliet.)
BUT IT SHOULD BE KATE!
.............Finally.
We have Sun, who, honestly, is just trying to find her man.
I get that.
(Faraaaaaaadaaaaaaaaay---)
No, I do. I understand her need to fulfill her destiny or whatever.
But.
Honestly.
Girl? You're turning into a broken record in a world of zip drives.
If this chica stands on the beach one more time, listens to some dramatic speech by Locke, nods her head like she's listening, then raises her hand and asks "If we do whatever you just said, will we find Jin?" I swear to Richard Alpert I will write a hate-rap about her.
Sun just needs to CHILL. Nobody knows what's going on, girl,Nobody!
...Except maybe Jacob.
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
So, like I said, shit is TOTALLY hitting the fan.
All the pieces are in place.
The Hot Crew is all set to rewrite history by evacuating the island--only to have their plan thwarted by Jack, who, for some reason,thinks his "Destiny" can change everything when he activates an HBomb.
(When did activating a bomb ever SOLVE anything,Jack. Damn,I thought you were a doctor. Man of Science,more like Man of Bullshit.)
Meanwhile, the ugly crew is on a magical mystery tour lead by formerly dead Locke to the Center of the Island to Kill Jacob.
Jacob, who no one has seen.
Jacob, who may not exist.
Jacob, who might turn out to be special guest star Toni Braxton.
(Kidding. Maybe. Kidding. Kind of. Kidding.)
......Here's what I think is finna go down.
I think we're going to get another mind altering, W.T.F cliffhanger, a'la season 3.
I can't imagine this time travel thinking stretching on into next season--I just can't.
I don't know about y'all, but I have a hard enough time keeping up with the ever shifting rules and regulations with jumping backwards into time--I'm not saying I don't dig it (I do, dig it, I do)--but it's waywayway complicated.
(I have similar issues with the new "Star Trek", but let's not get that gay today, OK?)
...I think someone's gonna die. (Juliet, come on.)
....I think someone's gonna return (Claire? Please.)
.....And I think we'll see Rose and Bernard. (HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA!)
But of course I could be wrong. Maybe Jacob's the smoke monster,or a dinosaur, or a dinosaursmokemonster, or maybe Jacob's Jack and Jack's Jacob in the future or maybe what lies in the shadow of the statue is an action figure of Bobba Fett and all hope is lost and Jin will never find Sun and she'll spend the rest of the final season on a broken record like the island skipskipskipskip of fuck this noise I'M LOST!
So the islands all like "I'll put a spell on you" and our castaways are spread out in two different time periods (Hot people=1977, ugly people=2007) and everybody's going all vision questy trying to find their fathers or talk to dead people or make star wars sequels ("Lost", it GOES there) ANYWAY shit gets bonkers when hottie-mc-hothot Daniel Faraday comes back to the island on a sub and goes all RipVanWinkle on these motherfuckers and is all like "Who says I can't change the past y'all don't know me I'ma crazy mofo from the wrong side of the island, BRING IT!" and then shit gets broughten when he stumbles into the camp of the Hostile Other-Other-Other's-Others
...........
TELLING IT LIKE IT IS:
Wow. When "Lost" takes a break, "Lost" takes a BREAK.
I didn't recap the last few episodes because I think they would all flow better on DVD. Honestly. There's not much I can pick apart from Ben seeing his dead daughter or Hurley and Miles chomping scenery while waiting for the end credits to come I MEAN waiting for something...to...happen.
The "Lost" Lull totally busted apart last week--Daniel Faraday (formerly my favorite character/constant/fan-fic
It turns out his "whatever happened, happened" speech from a few weeks ago was total bullshit.
....Or was it?
If we're to believe that the past CAN change, then Daniel's theory is wrong.
But, if his quote still stands, then that means his Mother--The whitehairedharrypotterwitc
THAT means she sent Faraday back to the Island to die.
That's cold, yo.
THE HATEFUL WOMEN OF "LOST"
Speaking of whitehariedharrypotterwitc
FIRST she lets that sleazy-steamy-pile-of-chee
THEN she makes her son stop playing the piano to focus on science (Come on, piano players get all the red-headed-nose-bleeding-c
AND THEN she has the NERVE to dress like she's about to teach a make-up session of Herbology.
Get your priorities straight, woman.
(EDIT: Sorry. I am still reeling from the death of my beloved Faraday. I was already supposed to be past the 7 stages of death, but I think I'm on the eighth, which is callous, unadulterated bitchiness.)
....Anyway.
SPEAKING of people who fuck up everything they touch, what's up with Kate?
Christ. Can this woman do ANYTHING right?
KATE'S LIST OF HUGE THINGS TO FUCK UP IN THE MOST MELODRAMATIC WAY--Day 3
1. Save future Hitler Ben from getting shot in the heart from Sayid. (Just because, lol!)
2. Totally tell his Father what I did and put my homies life in jeopardy. (Sweeps week ha-ha!)
3. Crash Juliet and Sawyers love sub with my wandering eye and generally foul odor. (Check!)
Kate's a homewrecker, a fate-tester, and a slap-dash-mad-cap-thunderc
If ANYONE dies in the season finale, it must be Kate.
(But I think it's gonna be Juliet.)
BUT IT SHOULD BE KATE!
.............Finally.
We have Sun, who, honestly, is just trying to find her man.
I get that.
(Faraaaaaaadaaaaaaaaay---)
No, I do. I understand her need to fulfill her destiny or whatever.
But.
Honestly.
Girl? You're turning into a broken record in a world of zip drives.
If this chica stands on the beach one more time, listens to some dramatic speech by Locke, nods her head like she's listening, then raises her hand and asks "If we do whatever you just said, will we find Jin?" I swear to Richard Alpert I will write a hate-rap about her.
Sun just needs to CHILL. Nobody knows what's going on, girl,Nobody!
...Except maybe Jacob.
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
So, like I said, shit is TOTALLY hitting the fan.
All the pieces are in place.
The Hot Crew is all set to rewrite history by evacuating the island--only to have their plan thwarted by Jack, who, for some reason,thinks his "Destiny" can change everything when he activates an HBomb.
(When did activating a bomb ever SOLVE anything,Jack. Damn,I thought you were a doctor. Man of Science,more like Man of Bullshit.)
Meanwhile, the ugly crew is on a magical mystery tour lead by formerly dead Locke to the Center of the Island to Kill Jacob.
Jacob, who no one has seen.
Jacob, who may not exist.
Jacob, who might turn out to be special guest star Toni Braxton.
(Kidding. Maybe. Kidding. Kind of. Kidding.)
......Here's what I think is finna go down.
I think we're going to get another mind altering, W.T.F cliffhanger, a'la season 3.
I can't imagine this time travel thinking stretching on into next season--I just can't.
I don't know about y'all, but I have a hard enough time keeping up with the ever shifting rules and regulations with jumping backwards into time--I'm not saying I don't dig it (I do, dig it, I do)--but it's waywayway complicated.
(I have similar issues with the new "Star Trek", but let's not get that gay today, OK?)
...I think someone's gonna die. (Juliet, come on.)
....I think someone's gonna return (Claire? Please.)
.....And I think we'll see Rose and Bernard. (HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA!)
But of course I could be wrong. Maybe Jacob's the smoke monster,or a dinosaur, or a dinosaursmokemonster, or maybe Jacob's Jack and Jack's Jacob in the future or maybe what lies in the shadow of the statue is an action figure of Bobba Fett and all hope is lost and Jin will never find Sun and she'll spend the rest of the final season on a broken record like the island skipskipskipskip of fuck this noise I'M LOST!
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