PREVIOUSLY ON LOST:
So The Oceanic Six and The Island Six intermixed and got jiggy with it while being separated by a space time riff that made Juliet and Sawyer hit it, Jack and Kate get dramatic, and Hurley to still stay the size of the Titanic ANYWAY Locke's not dead anymore now he's back on the island killing boar leading the others to the statue to slay (whatever, check back to season four) ANYWAY Sun's all like "where my Jin at" and Ben's all like "I want DESTINY back" and Guyliners like "Run and TELL dat" and they're all off to find Jacob and everybody's got sandy caked-on-makeup and the season's ending just as shit get's bumfuck (what's bumfuck?) screw this noise I'M LOST!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Was anybody else staring at their TV after the "LOST" screen went white going
"W.T.F?!?!!?!"
Gun fights. Knifing. People falling from buildings. Catty one liners. Subs. AND--bitches getting run over by cars.
I don't know about y'all, but anytime some bitch gets suddenly run over by a car, I instantly update my grade to an "A."
Not that this episode needed any assistance--Lost ALWAYS pulls off a kick ass finale.
From the moment Jacob and whoever that fucker was (Let's call him, um, THE DEVIL) sat on that sandy beach and watched THE BLACK ROCK sail in, I was hooked.
And what is UP with the devil, anyway?
WHAT'S UP WITH SATAN:
Why he all about the drama?
See, I think this devil dude is the "course correction" thing on the island. He's the smoke monster. He's Ben's daughter. He's every creepy, sneaky, nasty force on the island.
If Jacob is God (and, basically, he is) then this dark-blue-denim-dude is most DEF the Devil himself.
He be working in mysterious ways, too.
Since he can't directly kill Jacob, he's gotta find some OTHER way to do it.
So he up and grabs Judas (Ben), dresses himself up like his dead daughter, and tells him to do whatever Locke says, knowing FULL WELL that HE IS LOCKE!
This dark-blue-denim-dude is ALL about the mischief. Using Locke as a "loophole" makes total sense--but why are there two Locke's?
Like--how CAN there be two Locke's?
I get the idea of a big bad taking over the appearances of the dead ("The First Evil" did it in Season 7 of Buffy; great great great show)--but I ain't never heard of no BigBad duplicating people. Isn't that just...wasteful?
And....complicated?
Hmmm........
TOUCHED BY A JACOB:
So, Jacob apparently had to touch all of the Oceanic Six to get them to the island. We saw Sayid, Jack, Hurley, Sun, Jin, and Kate all get molested by this ageless hottiemchothot.
Did his touch influence or protect them?
Things to think.
Now, as much as dark-blue-denim-dude is all about the mischief, Jacob seems to be all about the drama.
In that first scene (which I recommend re-watching at least once) Devil dude is all like "this will keep happening, no matter what people you choose"
and Jacob is all like "Maybe not this time".
Jacob is trying to change some fundamental flaw with the island. He's trying to get a certain crew of people to...fix something.
What is it?
HATE-KATE-SECTION
Ok what was with Kate being all heroic and shit?
I hated that shot of her, Sawyer and Juliet standing all Mod Squad in front of Jack's back-to-the-future VW.
Who she thinks she is?
A COCKTEASE, that's what she is.
I hate the way the characters made all their decisions--these huge, monumental, world-changing-choices--ba
Jack wanted to turn back time so he could have another chance with Kate.
Juliet wanted to help Jack because she wanted to forget Sawyer.
PLEASE.
I don't know about y'all, but I watch LOST for the drama, the action, the mythology, and the mindfuck. I don't watch it to see Kate and Jack shoot "come fuck me before it's too late" looks RIGHT in the middle of my season finale.
Everyone?
Just get it out now.
You KNOW you wanted to see Kate die instead of Juliet.
Seeing her nappy hair swaying to the shocks of the electromagnum might even have pulled a tear from my cold-iron-eyes--but no.
We had to see the BEST FEMALE CHARACTER on the show sacrifice herself--
as nappy-headed-crispity-crun
This is the last HATE-KATE entry of the year--
I HATE YOU KATE!
...Anyway.
LOCKE vs LOCKE
It's going to be fascinating watching the entire season again (which I'm, like, totally gonna do, maybe twice) and try to figure out when Locke stops being Locke and starts being dark-blue-devil-denim-dude
W.t.f, guts. W.t.f.
ROSE AND BERNARD
Fuck. Yes.
Y'all know you wanted it.
Seeing dreadlocked Bernard and still-sassy Rose step out of the jungle underbrush was an emotional high point of the finale--FINALLY, two normal, hard working people who just want to be left the fuck alone.
No time travel.
No smoke monster.
No other-other-others; NOTHING, just each other.
I also love how they deliberatively avoided rescue.
Who needs Dharma-Drama-Camp when you can fuck all day and drink free leftover beer?
I hope we see these two again, hopefully standing over Kate's burnt body with a freshly lit lighter and a satisfied smile.
(EDIT: I'm still recovering from my Juliet and Daniel Faraday deaths. Excuse my bitterness; I only wish Kate a third of the actual death and carnage that I type.)
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
So. Most of our questions were adressed--and then they threw us 80 more.
We know what lies in the shadow of the statue (the translation of Richard's Latin is "the one who will save us all.") but we don't know WHY that info is so important.
We know that dead people lie.
But we don't know why.
We know that the bomb goes off instead of the incident--but we have NO FUCKING CLUE what happened after that.
Maybe Miles was right. Maybe these characters are just on a loop--over and over again, trying to change the past, the present, the future--but it's out of their hands.
Maybe destiny is destiny no matter how it's dealt.
....Or maybe Jacob is seeking to change that. By touching each of the O6, he gave them a bit more free will--he gave them a choice.
Next season, we'll see the effects of that.
Guys, I love reading your comments. I'm sad this is the last LOST of the year--and I'm bummed that we can't keep fucking f-booking about this drama.
Same time, next year?
Final 16 episodes start....in eight months.
Till then there's Weeds, True Blood, Mad Men, and a bunch of other summer shows to look out for.
(I also recommend starting "BattleStar Galatica". If the last season of LOST can end like that, the show will be perfection.)
Until next time--NAMASTE, MOTHERFUCKAS!
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