BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

1. "Avatar"
88 Million
*

So, if you've read the reviews, this is supposed to be pretty awesome and must-see-esque and groundbreaking and life changing and eyeball fucking and all that jazz.
Normally a picture like this--with this much heat and hype and, I don't know, insanity surrounding it--would open to 100 million plus and steam out after that, probally landing in the vicinity of about 250 Million.
Think "King Kong".
The mystery of "Avatar", however, is the Cameron factor.
His last indie film, "Titanic" (maybe you've heard of it?) opened with 28 million in 1997. It took the long road (as in the 9 month long road) and slowly became the biggest film of all time.
Many are saying "Avatar" has a shot at grabbing that goalpost, however, this is a highly untested property.
Since "Spiderman" broke the 100 million three-day mark in 2002, only a handful of films have pushed past that barrier.
ALL of these films have either been sequels ("Dark Knight", "Shrek 2", "Ass Moon") or superhero films ("Hancock").
Now, if you factor in the 3d aspect, which bascially transfers to a ticket and a half in normal box office dollars, this film should be doing gangbusters.
However, the general audience seems to be on the fence about this.
They'll read the reviews (which are great) but there seems to be an odd sense of "show me what you got".
In the end, that's not a bad thing.
People did the same thing with "Titanic". After months of hype about budget, disputes, and marketing (sound familiar?) the film opened small but played huge; operating on a word of mouth system that hasn't been matched.
People didn't want to see it, but when they did, they felt like this was a movie they had to support.
So. We'll see. This could either
A) Be the highest grossing movie domestically of all time
B) Be the highest grossing movie internationly and flop domestically
or
C) Be a complete and total flop that rivals "Heaven's Gate" and "Ishtar".
....That's hope for A or B.

2.
"The Princess and The Frog"
16 Million
*

On big movie weekends, all films tend to do a little better.
Espically black princess movies, such as--
....Oh, wait a second....

3.
"The Blind Side"
10 Million
*
There are only two things I like about this movie.
1. I enjoy Sandra Bullock in a way that can only be categorized as gaygaygay.
2. I love that this movie is kicking "New Moon" and forcing the creeepy Mormon sex farce to crawl back to it's grave.

4.
"Did You Hear About The Morgans?"
8.5 Million
*

No, actually, I didn't, and I don't really think anybody else has either.
It's a terrible little concept rom-com flick that deserves to surf the bottom of the Blockbuster 2 dollar barrel for eternity.
Shame on Sarah Jessica Parker!
What was she thinking/drinking--she jumps from the hugely populaur and succesful "Sex and the City" film to "Spinning Into Butter"--(a film so bad it was delayed three times and then dumped on home video)--and then she has the gall to crawl back with this tragic piece of trash.
This woman needs a reboot.
Is her marriage to barely closeted homosexual Matthew Brodrcik THAT terryfying that she must
A) Hire a surroagte Mother to give her TWINS so she has her arms full and can't hug Matthew
and
B) Flee New York City to film terrible toilet traps with the poor man's Hugh Grant--Hugh Grant himself.
Shame.

5. "Brothers"
5.5 Million
*

In a perfect world, this and "Morgans" would switch places.
Old people should love this movie. Letterman did!
Come on. Sexy young leads. Best of their generation.
Acting. Not like "acting acting", they're like ACTING acting!
Come on, Grandma!
No?
Oh--oh, you're seeing "Avatar" too? Ok. See you there!

.............................

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS

Anyone intrested in Avatar?
There's some glowing reviews. I've already started crunching numbers; methinks December's box office is going to explode in a couple of days.
But first: black people take over your local cinema!

1. "The Princess and The Frog"
26 Million

This is going to do gangbusters.
1.
People Love Black People.
Evidence: "Preciouis", "Invictus", "I Can Do Bad All By Myself", Oprah, me.
2.
Black People Love Black People
First Black Disney Princess EVA! LOLOMGTTYLJKNKJKNK!
3.
2D is the new 3D (Until "Avatar")
All the hype is directed towards the LOOK of this film. When's the last time you saw a major studio attempt 2D animation? 2002. "Lilo and Stich".
Now, "P&F" will get over 100 million domestic, but it will take time. Look for the big numbers to slide in around Christmas time. Opening weekend isn't as important as the dead zone that's known as the middle of January, or, as I like to call it:
The land that time forgot.

2.
"Invictus"
17 Million

People love Clint Eastwood. Like, love him enough to see him play an old racist.
They also love historical dramas and sports movies.
Come on, people. This is like mixing "Driving Miss Daisy" with "The Blind Side".
Everybody goes home happy and rich and sleepy.
Like "Princess", this film isn't about the opening numbers. It's going for the gold--oscar baby, all the way. Look for Freeman, Eastwood, and editing noms. This will play well into Feb. and have a long life on home video. Also, overseas numbers look very promising, with support from African and U.K territories.

3.
"The Blind Side"
13 Million

A few weeks ago, I predicted Bullocks Savior Porn would only clock in with a 15 million weekend. Boy was I wrong.
This steamroller is going to coast to about 200 million, and if--
if--
Bullock gets the oscar nomination, it could get to about 220.
I haven't seen this trite piece of shit, but I love Ms. Bullock. She deserves every award thrown in Hilary Swank's general direction.

4.
"2012"
9 Million

This just in: Audiences love Savior Porn move then Disaster Porn.
Does this mean that 2012 is a myth, a promise, or a rental?
Stay tuned.

5.
"A Christmas Carol"

I saw this nifty little piece of pluck about a month ago.
Fun movie. Great visuals. Carrey's funny and the film is fluid as a river.
But compared to the walking, talking, swearing/flying/dying/emoting blue people of James Cameron's "Avatar", "Carol" never stood a chance.
In five days every 3D screen in the country will be lost to "Avatar", and Disney will have a tough piece of luggage to push onto the conveyor belt.
People want to see this movie, but they also want to open their gifts on Christmas morning.
No one goes to see Christmas movies in early November; this film should have opened the week after Thanksgiving, had a huge opening, and coasted on good will until the New Year.
Now? It'll be lucky if it limps to 150 domestic.
...The Box Office is a cruel mistress. Or Mister. Or hooker.
I like the latter.

BOX OFFICE

1.The Blind Side:
20.4 Million

............So, I was a few off. Still. It's the thought that counts, right?
This might get close to 200 million. Isn't that great? Bullock's biggest hit yet. (That sounds like a 70's snuff film.)
What does this mean? 3 things.
1. Oscar nomination.
It's going to happen. It has to. The 00's have been a weak decade for actress Oscars (Hilary Swank?!!?!?!? Twice?!?!?!?!) and "the people" love this movie.
2. The South Wins
By "the people" I mean the people who watch "So You Think You Can Dance" and think "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" was snubbed for a Best Picture Oscar. Expect more touching, heartwrenching, vom-inducing family football blockbusters.
3. Meryl Streep is Not Alone!
At 45, Sandra Bullock is more bankable then Julia Robbert--who gets paid a LOT more for what she doesn't do.

2. Twilight: Ass Moon
15 Million

I hate how they're calling this a saga. This isn't Star Wars. This isn't even Lady Gaga. It's some half baked virgin porn written by a Mormon Moron with bestiality issues.
This will top off at around 280 million. Mark. My. Words.

3. Brothers
9 Million

(I was dead on with this prediction.) I'm surprised this film didn't pull in more, considering that most people surely thought this was an urban drama starring Cuba Gooding Jr.

4. A Christmas Carol
7.5 Million

Disney will do ANYTHING to get this to 150 million before Avatar takes away all their 3D screens.
First born children were sold to get this film made.

5. Old Dogs
6.9 Million.

Remember "the people" I mentioned? Yeah. They LOVE this movie.

How To Survive a Post Show Hangover

So, everything went great and the reviews are awesome and the audience loved you and now you wanna go get shitfaced.
Some people would say "drink responsibly" or "make sure you don't go overboard".
Fuck em.
This is your time to act like a fool and say 72 things you're going to regret in the morning and/or the rest of your life.
So go all out.
Start the night with beer bongs and end with tequilla shots.
Put gin and jack and an apple in a blender and see what happens.
Do body shots off the usher--they love it!
Now, the fall out.
I'm going to tell you how to survive the day after the best night of your life.

1.
DRINK WATER
You won't remember to do it during the night, so do it first thing in the morning.
If you want you can drink some OJ or carrot juice, but nothing works as good as water.
Well, maybe a time machine that could toss you to back to last night so you can avoid the massive whiplash and the soul-crushing-pain of the present.
But if you can't afford the technology, nothing restarts your body like H20.

2.
TAKE A SHOWER
Alternate between hot and cold water for about 10 minutes.
You'll feel freaking amazing.
I don't know who thought of this and I'm not trying to be racist but let's just call this "an irish tradition".

3.
PIG OUT
This is your excuse to devour any piece of shit you want to shove your face with. Mcdonald's is great.
Potbelly's is perfection.
The best hangover killers contain LOTS and LOTS of starch.
Eating rice with eggs is amazing (and maybe kind of healthy, I don't know, I'm not freaking Martha Stewart.)

4.
STAND UP
Don't lay down the whole day. True, sleep is an important part of the recovery process, but if you're awake you can't just lie down and feel sorry for yourself.
Why?
Well because a) it's pathetic and b) you need to TRAIN your body.
Think of hangovers as fire drills for the apocolypse.
It's going to happen whether you like it or not--but are you (wo)man enough to survive?
You're going to have to go to work in a few hours; train your body to stand up and look like you give a rats ass.

5.
SMOKE WEED
You HAVE to.
Sure, you can swallow 90 pills for your headache and mix herbel such-and-such with that stomach relaxer you got from Walgreens,
but the only thing that's going to take away the brain-squeezing pain of THE WORST HANGOVER OF YOUR LIFE is by toking a hardcore major bowl.
Weed relaxes your body.
Sure, it's not going to cure your entire hangover, but stomach pain is one of the most uncomfortable things EVER.
Take a few hits and get on with the day. Besides, if you tell everyone your hungover, they're probally just going to assume you're baked anyway, so why not take this tradgey to the next level?
Now, the most important thing to remember--more important then rice and weed and praying to God for the pain to be over--
THIS.WILL.HAPPEN.AGAIN.
And, unless you turn into a total nun, you're not going to want to drink responsiliby.
So make up for your mistakes later, and remember:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS: FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4TH

1. "The Blind Side"

22 Million
Everybody is eating up this male-version-of-"Preciouis"-savior-porn-oscar-bait like it's ice cream in July.
I love Sandra Bullock.
LOVE Sandra Bullock.
But the only thing that's worse then disaster porn ("2012") is savior porn.

2. "Twilight: Ass Moon"

So this is huge. But not crossover-take-your-brother-and-Mother-and-baby-daddies-frienemy huge.
This is tween girl huge.
It'll cap out at around 280 million, which is an immense amount for a film that cost 50 million to make.
But is 280 million enough to buy back the soul of talented screenwriter Mellisa Rosenberg?
Twilight: 50 Million to make, 280 final gross.
Mellisa's Screenwriting Soul: Priceless.

3. "Brothers"

9 Million
What happens when you put Queen Amadalia, The Prince of Persia, and Spiderman in the same movie?
Millions of people wait for the rental.

4. "Old Dogs"

7.5 Million
This should already be on DVD.
And on fire.

5. "Armored"

Jesus. Really? REALLY? Laurence Fishburne, really? First CSI/NCIS/OMG/LOL and then THIS?
I think I saw this on TNT last year with bleeped out language and blurry spots over the nudity.

The National Board of Review -------OR-------- The Oscar Season Has Begun!

The NBR is the first big list out.
It sets the bar. Paves the way.
It's been around since 1909. Critics, scholars, academics--these people are smart.
Now, there's a lot that hasn't been seen yet (Nine, Avatar) but the ten films they picked should be pretty freaking awesome.
However, they're known for some weird tastes and a massive case of o.p.s (old-people-syndrome.)
One of their most shocking inclusions happened two years ago, when they got drunk and picked "The Bucket List" for one of their ten spots.
The list for '09 is:

Best Film:
Up In The Air

Top Eleven Films (In alphabetical order):
An Education
(500) Days Of Summer
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Invictus
The Messenger
A Serious Man
Star Trek
Up
Up In The Air
Where The Wild Things Are

Best Director:
Clint Eastwood, Invictus

Best Actor:
Morgan Freeman, Invictus and George Clooney, Up In The Air (tie)

Best Actress:
Carey Mulligan, An Education

Best Supporting Actor:
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger

Best Supporting Actress:
Anna Kendrick, Up In The Air

Best Foreign Film:
A Prophet

Best Documentary:
The Cove

Best Animated Feature:
Up

Best Ensemble Cast:
It’s Complicated

Breakthrough Performance by an Actor:
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Breakthrough Performance by an Actress:
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious

Spotlight Award for Best Directorial Debut:
Duncan Jones, Moon, Oren Moverman,
The Messenger and Marc Webb, 500 Days of Summer (tie)

Best Original Screenplay:
Joel & Ethan Coen, A Serious Man

Best Adapted Screenplay:
Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air

Special Filmmaking Achievement Award:
Wes Anderson, The Fantastic Mr. Fox

William K. Everson Film History Award:
Jean Picker Firstenberg

NBR Freedom of Expression:
Burma Vj: Reporting From A Closed Country,
Invictus,
The Most Dangerous Man In America: Daniel Ellseberg And The Pentagon Papers

Top Ten Independent Films (In alphabetical order):
Amreeka
District 9
Goodbye Solo
Humpday
In The Loop
Julia
Me And Orson Welles
Moon
Sugar
Two Lovers

Top Six Foreign Films (In alphabetical order):
The Maid
A Prophet
Revanche
Song Of Sparrows
Three Monkeys
The White Ribbon

Top Six Documentary Films (In alphabetical order):
Burma Vj: Reporting From A Closed Country
The Cove
Crude
Food, Inc.
Good Hair
The Most Dangerous Man In America: Daniel Ellsberg And The Pentagon Papers

"Get" Glee: Episode 12, "MATRESS"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.................................................
One baby-mama-drama down, one to go.
In the most dramatic scene of the series twelve episodes, Will and Terri had a good old fashioned kitchen-sink fight which resulted in the WORST SUBPLOT ON FOX TELEVISION going the way of the dodo--
Gone forever, but never forgotten.
Since the pregnancy subplot is most people's only real gripe with the show, "Glee" viewers will be a lot more comfortable voicing their excitement for next week's finale. Gone are the days of Jessica Gilsig plotting like a Disney villain with her chunky-monkey sister. The un-funny pre-natal jokes.
The writers coming up with reasons for Will and his wife not touching each other?
GOODBYE, FOREVER!
In one tiny scene, "Glee" repaired it's sinking ship.
"Mattress" was all about throwing out the garbage. Finally, the strange little subplot-babies that have been growing up all season are now ready to get the hell out of the house.
...........................................
1.
"Coaches and Guidance Counselor's Make The Stupidest Decisions In The World"
Tanaka and Pilsbury's wedding is NEXT WEEK.
And not a moment too soon. Tanaka's jealousy of Sheuester is both pathetic and kinda gay. And what a MASTER manipulator. By planning the wedding on the same day as sectionals, Tanaka not only creates major drama with his fiance, but allows "Glee" to have the option of showing a heartbreaking wedding scene OR a jaw-dropping "Runaway Bride" sequence.
Thanks Tanaka!
2.
"Sue Sylvester is Fucking Insane"
I thought I was the only one who thought that Sue's lack of a master plan was coming off as VERY "Single White Female." Now that Shuester (who might be the stupidest smart guy ever) realizes that the Sue's exit strategy makes George Bush look like a genius, we're free to openly root for Sue's downfall.
Screw the D.S sister in the nursing home. Sue's just bored, and however funny calling someone "ugly and annoying" on live TV might be, it still deserves payback.
Let's hope a slushie in the face is waiting right down the hall.
3.
"Baby Mama Drama pt 2"
This is the only stopping point in next week's proposed awesomeness. Does anybody really care about Quinn and her fucking emotional issues?
She's a liar, a pervert, a cheater, a leaver, a loser. The actress that plays her is a terrible singer and dancer.
She's uncomfortable to watch and is better fit basking in the limelight of a CW primetime drama then on TV'S saddest show.
Can she just become a "Wildcat" already and dance with Zac and Vanessa?
.......................................
So, after next week "Glee" is taking the spring off.
Like, until MARCH.
As sad as that fact may be, we're left with 13 episodes.
Groundwork.
The creators told a complete story that will FINALLY be resolved at next week sectionals. There was a beginning, a middle, and as we're crossing the finish line it's time to reflect on the immense feat of storytelling that FOX (of ALL networks) attempted.
In every episode we have characters singing songs from the bottom of their hearts. 9 times out of 10, these numbers progress their characters not only to the next scene, but the next episode.
Most musicals have a hard enough time making their characters interesting for two hours; "Glee" has kept this going for over half a season.
Bravo.
THE BEST:
-Sue's Monologue.
-The entire Mattress leaping musical number.
-The showdown between the Shuesters.
-The finale, "Smile", which was possibly the saddest thing the show has done through song. Jesus, these kids are walking ads for Prozac prescriptions.

GRADE:
Musical Numbers: B
Gayness: B
Dialogue: A (Nice job, Ryan Murphy)
Toxic Insanity: A
Sub-Plot-Cleanup: A

G.P.A: 3.5

THEATER REVIEW: HOLES

Reviewed by Ike Holter
......................................
There's nothing like an audience of over caffeinated kids cramped into a downtown theater on the dark side of 10am. They squeal. They spill. They scream.
These tortures usually stop a show cold, but, in the case of "Holes", the audience plays an active part in the enjoyment of the new play from Depaul Theater's Playwork's series.
Adapted from his award winning young adult, Louis Sachar creates a world where teenage delinquents serve time digging holes in the desert. Andrew Goetten plays Stanley Yelynats (yes, his first name is his last name spelled backwards)-- a sweet kid serving what could become a death sentence digging deep pits in the hot heat. Goetten is wonderful with the fish-out-of-water scenario the plays demands; he's an outcast in a sea of outcasts. Lucy Sandy (a girl!) plays Zero, Stanley's only confident in the soul sucking wasteland lorded over by the Warden (a shocking and effective Meg Elliot). Mark Thomas Boergers and Conor McChail are stellar as the Warden's henchmen; at first cute and comedic, then terrifyingly imposing.
When Stanley and Zero discover the Warden's real reason for digging massive holes in the earth, the play becomes a comedic-adventure that touches on race, class, and family history.
The play includes flashback segments that play directly into Stanley's adventures in the desert. Rashaad Hall and Katherine Cobb do great work in a shocking subplot that's THIS close to being too adult for young audiences (but aren't those always the best?)
The play opts for a "grown up" sense of style and pacing; there's no sight gags or cheap-thrills in John Jenkins direction. Instead of pandering, the play asks the young audience to step up and focus on the story at hand.
And the best part? The audience WANTS to step up. Once the play settled into it's rhythm, The audience of 300 5th graders were at the edge of their seats, watching "Holes" with the same kind of attention that's reserved for a night out at the movies.

Box Office Predictions: Friday, November 29tth

1. "Twilight: Ass Moon"
40 Million







I underestimated the tween-tsunami and it's effect on the young, the (really) old, the gay and the necrophiliacs.
Now staking out the third biggest opening of all time, "Ass Moon" will continue to shine brightly this week.
"Twilight" is a lot like Harry Potter.
Except in this version Harry's a total virgin and Cedric Diggory is a horny dead guy and VAMPIRES CAN GO OUT IN THE DAYLIGHT.
2. "The Blind Side" or "Precious For Dummies"
35 million
Poor Sandra.
The biggest hit of her career is destined to be a box office footnote in the glow of the "Ass Moon."
But watch out. Old people love crap like this, and by years end it will have crossed the 140 million dollar mark. Sandra might even inch super-close to taking down the "Ass Moon".
3. "A Christmas Carol"
13 Million
NOW it's time for a holiday that's a month away.
Going to see a Christmas movie last week would have been, like, WAY too soon.
4. "Old Dogs"
12.5 Million
Don't encourage Robin Williams.
5. "Ninja Assassin"
12 Million
This seems like it came out two years ago and is already playing a bunch of times on TNT.

"Get" Glee: Ep.11 "Hairography"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.........................
Did you cry or vomit while watching the sign-song choir preform "Imagine"?
A little bit of both?
That's totally fine. I'm right there with you.
This week, I watched "Glee" in the (formerly haunted) bar/music venue "The Spot". On two jumbo screens, I was allowed to openly geek out with fellow (I will NOT call them "Gleeks")like-minded-homies, who drank nearly as much as I did.
And thank God I was at a bar.
Watching this episode was like being i the back of your drunk-driving Aunt's pinto as she swerves her way through Thanksgiving Day Traffic.
There were so many moments that walked the tightrope of "wonderful", only to fall into the deep pit of "vomit."
Ian Brennan, the writer who was smart enough to have a whole football team preform "Single Ladies" mid-game, gave us "Hairography"an introduction to the art of faking it.
....................
1.
Eve and the Dancing High School Strippers
30 barely-legals dancing in yellow tops with black tights to a Destiny's Child song that's over 10 years old. Rachel dubbed their performance as a simply act of "Hairography": by putting emphasis on their wild and flowing hair, they're taking your eyes off of their mawkish and half-assed high kicks.
2.
Baby-Mama-Drama
Terri continues the WORST plot line on the show by buying her husband an old car so he won't fuck her.
What is this, the 90's?
3.
Quinn and Puck vs Cheaper By The Dozen
In a sub-plot straight out of "Saved By The Bell", Terri convinces Quinn to babysit her kids so Quinn will realize the evils of pre-adolescence. Quinn decided this would be a perfect time for a performance of "Papa Don't Preach".
................
The pregnancy story-lines need to disappear.
Completely.
Let's be honest here. While sitting at The Spot, looking around the room, I realized what Glee's target audience really is.
-Gay men.
-Gay women.
-Straight women with big bank accounts.
-Straight men who are dragged along in the process.
That's it. When the show panders to this "will she give up the baby" mama-drama, the entire tone of the show shifts.
It becomes about boring adults issues, and, worse, boring STRAIGHT PEOPLE issues.
The gays don't carry if you don't want to have a baby.
In these scenes, the show seems like a Monday night CBS dramadey staring Tyne Daly.
NOBODY CAME HERE TO SEE TYNE DALY.
However, the musical numbers truly saved this episode. From the Destiny's Child opening down to the "Crazy in love"/"Hair" mash-ups, the songs kicked the scripted narrative's ass. Adam Anders, the mixer/composer, has been doing excellent work in making over-used jingles seem fresh as well as touching up old standards.
It seems that the episodes which concentrate merely on plot "Wheels" and let the numbers sit in the background have a more consistent tone then the break-out-into-insanity freak shows like "Mash-Up"; which seem to be made to merely sell itunes.
.....................
"GLEE" G.P.A.
MUSICAL NUMBERS
A
GAYNESS
C+
DIALOGUE
B
STRUCTURE
C+
GRADE:
B-

"Peter Gallagher: Don't Give Up On Me"

Reviewed By Ike Holter
......................
Those eyebrows. Those eyes. That voice?
Peter Gallagher is like the male Sandra Bullock: always like able, but never entirely convincing.
Yes, Gallagher has appeared in several Broadway shows including the 90's revival of "Guys and Dolls" and "Hair". However, most people know him for his film and Television work, which spans the from high-art ("American Beauty") to high camp ("The O.C"). Anyone who can work under an Academy Award winning director and then fall straight into a syndicated tween series on Fox should surely have a lot to say about the state of theater, or film, or, I don't know, the weather.
Instead, "Don't Give Up On Me" focuses on Gallagher's obsession with actors like Jack Lemmon and Richard Burton. He uses these memories to shoe-horn in a few solos. Some transitions work exceptionally well, but even Elaine Strich might have trouble building a bridge between a monologue about Jack Lemmons car and a soaring rendition of "What's New Pussycat."

The Top 5 Ways To Pretend You're Good At Directing

by Ike Holter
.............

1.
Be The First @ Rehearsal.


Imagine an overzealous actor. Early for everything; always armed with a clipboard and a notepad and just a dash of insanity.
Think Tori Spelling, or Elmo.
Now, imagine that actor rushing to the rehearsal room, high on the authority of being seated before the stage manager even makes an entrance.
Time is money and if you're quick you're rich.
It's power.
Take that power from the S.M, the lead actress, your assistant director and the janitorial staff by being the first person in that room.
Even if you're sleeping.

2.
Tell The Stage Manager EVERYTHING.
Don't be afraid to treat the S.M like the Oprah that person obviously is. They're going to be chained down to a desk next to you for the next four weeks--you might as well arrange the chairs as if you're on a talk show. Try "Conan" style or maybe do some "Ellen" thing where you dance a lot. Maybe bring a few liters of vodka to rehearsal and try some "Chelsea Lately" dishing and bitching (but hide the booze in coffee cups like they do on "Leno".)
Anyway, S.M's LOVE the drama. So, make sure you provide enough O.M.G's to keep them interested in you BUT avoid T.M.I or else they'll think you're a total creep and probably blog about you.

3.
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
Don't touch the props.
Don't touch the set.
Don't touch the lights.
Don't touch the actors.
Ever.
Once you touch something suddenly everyone thinks you know everything about anything and the next thing you know they'll be handing you gaff tape and asking you to "measure off the stage" (And what does that even MEAN?) or telling you to take so and so's measurment's and put a doohickey on what's his face and don't ever ever EVER voulenteer to do ANYYTHING in the box office.
Folding programs is a gateway drug that will lead you to photo-copying and house managing.
Director's are meant to be heard, NOT seen, SO always keep a script in your hand so you don't get handed anything.

4.
Wear Something Hot OR Dress To Depress

Actors will always be the prettiest people in the room.
Don't get mad about it.
Instead, focus all of your pre-show energy into accessorizing. The actors are busy memorizing lines and the tech's doing whatever they do: You should find some shit to wear.
Now, there's two different schools of Director Dress.
SCHOOL of BRETT RATNER
Dress like a total fucktard so that the actors know you're cool as shit and dirty and high and you only wash your clothes at Christmas.
This approach is usually a last ditch effort at "relating to the kids" and is frowned upon in Regional houses.
You can only attempt the BRETT RATNER if you're working in theater with ticket prices less then 5 dollars OR working in a theater with ticket prices over 120 dollars.
NOTHING in between.
If that doesn't work for you, try the
SCHOOL of SAM RAMI
Dress up. Always. A nice tie with a button up or just a suit-coat and a short sleeve. Maybe a hat with a feather on it. Who knows? Make yourself look pleasant because you are not the best looking person in the room.
(Most likely you're in the bottom ten percentile.)
Clothes are currency and currency is confidence.

5.
Don't Fuck Up

No, for serious.
Everyone is depending on you and there's money at stake and you don't want to be that person who makes so and so quit loving what they do and become a vet.
Don't be too serious.
Don't make dick jokes.
Don't quote someone unless it's the playwright.
And, most important--
Don't yell.
(It's just tacky.)
However, chair throwing and wall punching are totally acceptable and are in fact appropriate.
But, once you smash your fist through the wall or chuck the folding chair, there's really nowhere else to go but yelling and YOU DON'T WANT TO YELL.
So stick to punching and chucking things, don't fuck the actors, be on time and dress like a total hottie and you'll be the best director of all time (adjusted.)

Box Office Predictions: Thursday, Nov. 19th

By Ike Holter
...........
Is this really the most anticipated film of the year?
We'll see. After reports of "Twilight: New Moon" breaking pre-sale records on Fandango and MovieTickets, this teen-vampire-mormon-maudlin-meltdown-mega-picture will open bigger then the highly anticipated "Watchmen" and "Wolverine".
I can't wait to look back at this in 2019 and laugh.
Then cry.

1. "Twilight: New Moon"
105 Million
The first installment pulled in 69 million over three days. People were shocked. Jaws down to the floor.
Sequels usually squander their new audience--made up of people who saw it on video, on an airplane--in the midnight showing/opening day bracket. The midnight shows are sold out and tomorrow will be huge.
2. "2012"
28 Million
They came. They saw. They shrugged.
2012 is playing like the biggest summer film November has ever seen. Expect a sizable summer drop below 30 million. It'll make one last Hail Mary marketing push through thanksgiving weekend, then make the slow slide to DVD in February.
3. "A Christmas Carol"
14 million
Something about the month of November and Jim Carrey kid films.
4. "The Blind Side"
12 Million
I'm shocked that most people aren't disgusted by the white-woman-saves-big-black-man-but-it's-OK-because-it's-a-true-story shit-storm Sandra Bullocks' been cooking up.
But people are coming. FOR TIM MCGRAW.
Listening to a McGraw fan explain their fascination for soapy procedurals like this is worse then hearing remarks made by the people in line for Sarah Palin's book tour.
Youtube it.
5. "Precious"
12 Million
It's gonna break out even bigger this weekend.
I stand by my "50 million by Christmas" prediction.
Oprah and Tyler are totally having a party.
*
Now let's check back on Sunday to see if I'm right on the nose or totally off my rocker. Or a little bit of both. (Everyday another holler.)

"Young Frankenstien"

@ The Cadillac Theater:
Reviewed by Ike Holter
.........................

Mel Brooks new musical comes with a litmus test.
Frankenstein and his Monster preform "Puttin' on the ritz" with top-hats and snap canes. After about two minutes they're joined by three supporting players: the girl, the sidekick, and the comic relief. THEN--the entire twenty-two person chorus.
The song goes on. For five minutes. With strobe lights. And costume changes. And kick-lines and leaping and pratfalls and it's all too much for most sane people.
"Puttin' on the ritz" is probably the only part of Mel Brooks original film that worked in musical form. Now, it's one of the worst numbers in a show weighed down with overload.
Roger Bart reprises his role of Dr. Frankenstein from the Broadway version of Mel Brooks original film based on the original story by Mary Shelly. (Wow. Headache.) Bart's energy is infectious; the entire supporting cast is at their best when they're keeping up with Bart's rat-tat-tat rhythm. After a supporting turn in "The Producers", Bart knows how to sell Brook's Sid Caesar style of speech.
While the cast is perfectly acceptable, the musical numbers are flatter then Frankenstein's feet and twice as clunky. Numbers come and go as they please with no real help to the plot.
Fans of the film will smile during the first act's nods to the original source material, but the slavish second act's reenactments of the classic film grind this monstrosity to a halt.
Once again: When the entire cast begins an over-choreographed dance break-down to "Puttin' on the ritz", you're either in for the long haul or you're out of the theater quicker then the first audience of "Springtime for Hitler."

"Get" Glee: Ep.10-"Ballad"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.....................

Has anybody ever sung to a sonogram? Historically. Like ever. Like ever in the history of ever. Does it happen?
Well, call the Guinness Book of World Records because last night at 8pm some football jock laid on his bed in Ohio and sang a Pretenders song to the sonogram of his unborn child.
And I was fine with it.
More then fine. I think I might have been moved. Or nauseous. Maybe both, and that's not a bad thing.
Screw the Winter Olympics. The best tightrope walking on TV happens on "Glee". Every week they give the audience a jaw dropping obstacle.
Can a kid in a wheelchair sing "Proud Mary" and make it work? Can we have a mentally handicapped cheerleader be credible? Can a grown man impersonating a 17 year old honestly sing "I'll Stand By You" to a picture of a baby that's not even his?
Gold.
.......................
"Ballad", written by series co-creator Brad Falchuk, centers around the notion of song as story.
1. Stalker-Students
Shuester told the Glee kids to partner up and preform a ballad.
He also made the mistake of giving a white girl some Diana Ross song. (Nothing good can ever come of that. EVER.) Rachel become a star-drunk-stalker-4-Shuester, going so far as to clean his house and cook him dinner. With the help of a former tormented teen (Sarah Drew in totally nutso pajamas's mode), Rachel realizes she can't continue her feelings for her teacher and decides to cut the cord.
Thank God, because I dread the thought of a sweeps-week-special where Rachel decides to do a scene from David Mamet's "Oleana."
2. Baby-Mama-Faja-Drama
Selfish-ice-queen-ex-cheerleader-total-bitchface Quinn finally introduces the "Father" of her child to her parents. To psyche himself up for this, Finn decides to use his "most powerful instrument": His voice.
(I'd say actor Cory Moneith's most powerful instrument would have to be his charisma, but hey, this is a fantasy series, right?)
He tells Quinn's parents (through a Paul Anka song, of course) that he'sthe Father of Quinn's surprise pregnancy.
Gasp!
Shock!
Awe-hell-no!
Quinn get's tossed out of her house quicker then a toaster-strudel-slut. At the end of the episode, she moves into Finn's home and hopefully stops being sung an angsty little migraine.
...................
Now back to the singing sonogram.
"Ballad" succeeds because it follows the strict rules of an actual story-song. It tells a small story. It commits to it's utter cheesiness. It rocks by it's own rules.
The sonogram-scene can't be played for comedy. Or pathos. Or depth, or intelligence--it is what it is.
Cory Moneith's voice is terrible, but his conviction to the moment is monumental. He believes everything he's singing, he's committed to this insane world, and he doesn't wink at the camera.
Anyone who's seen "Gypsy" probably flashed back to Gypsy Rose Lee singing "Little Lamb" to her cardboard-cut-out animal.
Critics have called this the worst song in the show, but I'm always fascinated watching the actor who has to commit to this scene. It's a "book" moment. We're forced to watch a character at their most vulnerable because the story wants us to take note: this person bruises easily. Look closer.
......
MIDTERMS:
STORY:
A
GAYNESS:
B-
SONGS:
B+
DRAMA-RAMA:
B+
G.P.A:
3.33=B+

Bad Liteutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Reviewed by Ike Holter
........................
I don't believe in Nic Cage.
He's a centaur. Some mythical beast who could rear up on his hind legs and massacre a whole town in the middle of the night.
He terrifies me.
Watching "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans" was like returning to the scene of some traumatizing childhood nightmare. Based on a 1992 feature staring Harvey Keitel, "New Orleans" attempts to be deep, shallow, sexy, repulsive; violent, slutty, and obnoxious.
In the film's opening, we're introduced to Cage and Val Kilmer(?!?!): two burly, brash bad-boys patrolling the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. When Cage jumps into a flooded prison to rescue a drowning inmate, he permanently screws up his back, leading him down the "American Beauty" road of popping pills and doing various amounts of illegal substances.
Watch Nic Cage hallucinate! Watch Nic Cage solve crime! Watch Nic Cage assault two old women in a nursing home! (Actually, that scene is wonderful.)Famed director Werner Herzog lenses the film like a two-bit after hours noir flick on Skinemax but, with all this B-movie drama, "Orleans" can't quite muster the might to look into the mirror and find out what kind of film it truly is. It's not an action film, a drama, or a comedy. It's a performance piece for Cage; a fairy tale about bad men getting away with bad things.
If that's up your alley then step right on up to see the twisted tale of Mr. Cage.
I'll be hiding under my bed.

Box Office Results: Nov.15th

1. 2012
65 Million
-Well, I shot for 61 and I was right on the money.
Everybody loves disaster porn. It's like real porn, except in real porn you don't get John Cusack (with clothes on.)
This film cost 200 million. 200 million. (Remember when that was like a big deal? Like, most expensive movie ever made "big deal"?)
This will play out through Thanksgiving, but will get a major drop next week when "Twilight: Ass Moon" debuts in theaters.
I predict a final total in the 170-185 million dollar range.
Worldwide, it's huge; over 220 million dollars and counting.
2. A Christmas Carol
22 Million
A slim 25 percent drop. That's nothing. Next week, look for a total in the 15 million range, then, the week after that, it'll have a nice Thanksgiving bounce to about 20 million. "It's the most wonderful time--"
3. The Men Who Stare @ Goats
At a cost of 30 million, TMWS@G is on it's way to a domestic probability most other mediocre comedies can only dream of.
4. Precious
6 Million
In only two weeks, this Oprah/Tyler Perry produced "Slumdog" in the making (I HATE saying that) is going to pass it's 10 million dollar budget by about Thursday. Next week? More expansion. More per screen average then the number one film. Big numbers, long play; and we've only just entered the start of Oscar Season. "It's the most wonderful time--"
5. "This it it"
5 Million
Michael got his ass handed to him by an Obese black chick who steals fried chicken. (No, she does. See the movie.)
"This is it" is doing huge numbers domestically (it's already the biggest concert film of all time, beating--gasp--Hannah Montana!) But internationally it's gigantic.
This film will get to about 310 million worldwide and find a long and healthy life on DVD, especially with a release on--wait for it--CHRISTMAS WEEKEND!
"It's the most wonderful time--of the year!"

Theater Review: "A Very Merry (Unauthorized) Children's Scientology Pagent"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
......................
While some will surely wish they would have seen Scrooge, a savvy audience will embrace the creepy spectacle now playing at A Red Orchid Theater.
Preformed by the Youth Ensemble at Red Orchid (using much of the same cast as last year's VERY MERRY show), Kyle Jarrow's super-swift hour and ten minute satire tells the story of a young L Ron Hubbard (you'll find out what the L means later.)
The future founder of the Scientology religion embarks on a quest that is equal parts Wizard of Oz, Star Wars, Jesus and Superman.
Using catchy numbers like "Science Of The Mind", Jarrow puts an "Avenue Q" spin on Hubbard's quest for worldwide acceptance. When L Ron is finally brought to the stand by a bloodthirsty IRS agent, his teachings are put to the test as a group of devoted followers takes the stand, pleading for his innocence (not to mention, like, total brilliance.)
There's a few jokes that cross the line, but Very Merry is more interested in the child-like optimism of Hubbard's teachings then "SNL" style attacks. Director Steve Wilson has a steady hand that never slips into spoof.
That being said, there are aliens.
And a slow motion war, a dancing brain, Kriste Allen and Tom Cruise.
Needless to say, this is not your Father's scientology pageant.

Box Office Predictions-Nov., Friday the 13th

Simple predictions. If I'm wrong, you can shoot/sue/stalk me.
1. 2012
60 Million
-People love disaster porn more then they love popcorn.
Ronald Emmerich's long (like, two and a half hours long) disaster epic/sure to be shit storm was pushed back from it's original July opening into the wild open ranges of November.
Moving a summer blockbuster to a lonely Friday in Thanksgiving season was a great switch--who doesn't want to see John Cusack escape molten lava the week before "Twilight: Ass Moon"?
2. Christmas Carol
21 million
-Another slow burn. This is going to keep making money until December 25th. Yes, it's weird to release a Christmas movie before thanksgiving (like releasing Rob Zombie's "Halloween" in August...) but unlike the slasher-stinker, this pic is actually good. It'll drop a little more next week, but look for a big boost Thanksgiving weekend.
My guess? It'll top off at around 140-150 million.
But with "Avatar" stealing ALL of the 3D screens on December 18th (No, really. ALL of them) it's going to take a lot of marketing push to get people to see this in simple 2D format.
3.
The Men Who Stare @ Goats
8 Million
-People are actually seeing this movie.
Instead of waiting two months to rent it.
.....
4.
The Fourth Kind
6.5 Million
Teeheehee it's in fourth place lol how apt I mean not original I mean it already made back it's budget so who gives a flying fuck.
5.
Preciouis
6 Million
This is gonna be huge. Called it. It's playing in less then 200 theaters and it's already kicking major hardcore ass. My guess is it keeps playing in limited release for another month, then, in the thick of December awards season, goes ultra-wide and bags about 50 million before the years over.
....

"Get" GLEE: Episode 8. "Wheels"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
***********************
How seriously should we take this show?
Asian girl with a fake stutter. Cheerleader cheating off a girl with down syndrome. Girl with down syndrome being screamed at by cheer-leading coach. Pot cupcakes. Baby-daddy-mama-drama, gay boys breaking their own balls to belt "Defying Gravity", and a 12 person wheelchair propelled number to "Proud Mary".
I think this is the most serious show on TV.
Once you peel past the immaculately cut and prerecorded musical numbers, what's left?
Plenty.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Glee is a sad show about funny people.
For all the talk about this being "the happiest hour on TV" (Entertainment Weekly), what happened in last night's episode was infinitely darker and more daring then the number one rated new drama, CBS's "The Good Wife".
Now, since Glee seems to like the after-school-special-gone-wild approach, let's break down each preposterous plot beat--step by step.
************
1.
Gay Kid wants to sing "Wicked":
Try, fail, fall.
Now, there's no doubt that Lea Michelle was born to sing the cloying and overblown act one finale from Wicked. But Kurt's struggle to sync that mile-high F note was admirable--and then, in the next scene, terrifying.
Kurt's botched note was done on purpose. He couldn't deal with his Father receiving more gay-bashing calls at his uber-butch Car Clinic, so, Kurt threw the audition in the ingenue's favor.
What gay boy doesn't want to stand in front of his school and (figuratively) nail Idina Menzel?
2.
Asian Girl has a FAKE stutter:
Oh-no-she-didn't.
See, I didn't buy A.G's stammering. Not for a second. It seemed so shoddy, so forced; it had to either be fake or one of the worst attempts at the easiest speech affliction in the United States.
The whole episode was leading up to Artie getting to use his "working penis". The longing looks.
The giggles.
The Glee. (Yes, I went there.)
Just when you start to think this is a show nearsighted enough to hook-up the two characters with "disorders", Glee flips the switch.
Turns out A.G was pulling a Kaiser Soze and is a manipulating bitch who needs to get her shit together.
Who pretends to have a stutter?!
.....I mean, really?!? Drama.
3.
Sue has a mentally handicapped Sister who she visits and reads "Little Red Riding Hood" to.
.....Um. I think that says enough.
******

Now, we all know that the actors playing Artie and A.G aren't REALLY disabled; watch an episode of TMZ or Acess Hollywood and you'll see the Glee kids standing and speaking in long sentences with nary a stammer or a stop.
You can laugh. It's not "real."
But as soon as the Girl with Down Syndrome hit the scene, I started to feel queasy.
THIS is real. Like. Really-real.
How does a show that delights in spotlighting people's disabilities even THINK to put someone on the screen who actually suffers from something serious?
Lauren Potter is the actresses name, and I thought she did amazing work. Her character was treated with class and dignity.
We walked that tight-rope for a while, however--watching Sue Sylvester scream at a mentally handicapped girl is, let's be honest, heart-breaking--but seeing Sylvester's mentally handicapped sister in the hospital bed put the cap on any kind of bullying.
Introducing characters with D.S is always incredibly tricky. You don't want to put halo's around their heads, but if you beat them into the ground you become the devil.
Glee took the high road.
The shaky, narrow, maybe-a-little-un-PC high road.
This episode was written by Ryan Muphy, my least favorite writer on the show. Now, there were moments that crossed completely over the line (The football dude yelling "This is for YOU, Artie" was vom inducing) but on the whole I thought this was a pretty stellar outing.
****
MIDTERMS:
MUSICAL NUMBERS:
B
WRITING:
A-
DRAMA-RAMA
A+
GAYNESS:
A-
G.P.A
A-

"YEAST NATION"

@ ATC
Reviewed by Ike Holter



The first fifteen minutes of Yeast Nation play like the poor man’s Urinetown.
These pages would be grounds for plagiarism if they weren’t penned by Urinetown's very own authors, Marc Hollmann and Greg Koitis.
Shock!
By sticking to the same format that struck Broadway gold in 2002, Kotis and Hollmann take very few risks. Boy meets Girl. Girl inspires Boy. Boy leaves girl. Girl hitches up with Dude. Boy comes back. Musical comedy dramarama.
Maybe it's unfair to compare Yeast Nation's paper thin plot to Urinetown's equally skinny storyline. But when the writers cut and paste so much structure from their previous blockbuster, it's very difficult not to draw lines between Urinetown's plucky revolutionaries to Yeast Nation's green-trash-bag wearing ruffians. Yes, trash bags.
Green ones.
These prancing particles not only sing and dance but are forced to high kick in costumes that seem to be borrowed from Mugatu’s Derelict clothing line.
Director PJ Papeareli adds a high profile polish to the pedestrian first act, and it’s nearly enough to add meaning to a show that sorely needs it.
It’s only in Act 2 that the show evolves into an entity of it’s own. The numbers become sexier, the jokes play bigger.
It’s not enough to erase the cut-and-paste sensation that stood in as a first act, but any musical that ends with mass murder, a fight scene and a 70’s influenced disco number is a show that should be seen.

“Improviser! A Musical Sketch Comedy Revue

Now Playing @ I.O

Reviewed by Ike Holter

There are few events more terrifying then being trapped in a room full of off-duty improvisers. I.O’s “Improviser! A Musical Sketch Comedy Revue” recreates this hair raising event with the proper mix of humor and humiliation the situation deserves. With numbers like “Come See My Show” and “Sassy Black Girl”, the talented and tuneful cast pulls back the curtain on the Chicago Improv scene with razor sharp precession.

Kicking off with “Backline”, the Chorus Line esque (and masterfully mawkish) go-for-broke-dance number, Improviser takes us into the dark hearts of a group of moonlighting improv artists. They work crappy jobs, they sacrifice relationships for fleeting flights of fame; they fly, they fail, they fall. But just when this revue veers too far into the “laugh at the losers” bully-porn genre, the so-sad-it’s-true showstopper “Old Man Improv” shines a harsh light on the crisis behind the comedian.

For the (blessed) few audience members who haven’t been forced into hearing a rag-tag group of roustabouts recall that “classic sketch” from comedy class, Improviser acts as a teaching tool; spelling out the rules of tolerating Show People.

Get "Glee"

Episode 7, "Mash-Up"
Reviewed by Ike Holter aka Dot the I aka Black Blader
........................

Every great musical needs to stab you in the no-no place within the first ten minutes.
Some use an "I want" number. Some set the world, set-piece by set-piece. Others use high-kicking dance lines, explosions, deaths, nudity.
One uses creepy cats.
Really creepy cats.
"Glee", (which has finally crossed over the sanity line, congratulations) manages to present annoying, endlessly covered jingles in a way that puts the characters wants and needs into (over)produced declaration:
"Look at me--I'm sad and totally awkward, but really kind of awesome."
Last night's episode opened with Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrision) showcasing the freshest white-boy-crunk this side of Justin Timberlake. Schuester laid out the episodes plot:
The Glee kids have to find a mash-up to mix with the horrible 90's classic "Bust A Move."
Before we have time to ask normal, sane-person questions like "Why this song?" or "Isn't pop-hop dead?" or "This is kinda maybe sorta gay, right?" Schuester is off; shaking his ass, flipping his shit--he's a punch-drunk-pop-hop-punk and he doesn't care who knows it.
It's not even ten minutes into the episode.
Either you're with us or you're watching "The Ghost Whisperer."
.............
Thankfully, nothing ever came of the musical mash-up.
(I can imagine it would have included Rachel's sure to be belty mix of "Bust a Move" and "Defying Gravity" . Think about the itunes downloads.)
The real mash-ups in the episode were presented in three ways:

1. Football Vs Glee.
Coach Tanaka did the 80's thing and forced his rough-and-tumble pig-skin slayers to choose between the homoerotic shower room scenes of F'uball over the super straight Streisand singing of the Gleeks.
Who-will-win?!
2. Music Teacher Vs Horny Guidance Counselor.
Schue and Emma Pillsbury begin to deal with their sexual attraction in a sophisticated and adult fashion: By singing "The thong song" and "I could have danced all night" while fighting inner sexual urges under the watchful eye of Tanaka. Very Grown-up.
3. Puck and Rachel vs "Schlinders List:
Can these two jews get jiggy with it?

None of these mash-ups worked out.
Glee kicked footballs ass, "Thong Song" and "Danced all night" parted ways, and "Schlinders List" always wins.
Such is life.
.................
"Glee" knocks it out of the park when the show goes for the creeping sadness beneath the Journey covers and Jill Scott mixes.
It's a sad show about people trying to be happy.
Even Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch, EMMY) failed at her own mash-up of swing dance and in-office-dating. (I could have told her that in-office-dating ONLY works with salsa dancing or tap-dancing; never Swing dancing, silly Sue.)
Seeing Sylvester finally kiss failures waiting lips was funny--Jane Lynch in a Zoot Suit always is--but this time the drama outweighed the shtick.
Her retaliation: kicking Cheerleader-dead-face-mediocre-singing-voice-but-kind-of-pretty-preggers-girl off the team.
Sue did what no other characters could do on last nights episode. Instead of offering ultimatums or creeping away to The Loser Corner with the rest of the freaks, she stepped up and pushed her problems on someone else.
While all the other characters seem to repeat the fly, fight, fail process, Sue seems to be the only one who can grab victory out of vicious defeat.
She and Hilary Clinton could have a book club.
.................
This episode is a dead tie with "The Rhodes Not Taken", Kristen Chennowith's (emmy) episode. I love when "Glee" uses it's musical numbers for good (Chennowith singing Cabaret, Jessica Mays killing "I could have danced all night") and not for evil (last weeks abysmal "Set me Free").
While none of tonight's numbers hit the heights of "Somebody to Love", this episodes plot, dialogue and character building were superb.
(Tonight script was credited to Ian Brennan, who's a much better writer then Ryan Murphy.)
Here's the score-card:

MUSICAL NUMBERS:
B+ (That plus comes solely from Matthew Morrison and his ass, which has a mind of it's own.)

DIALOGUE
A- (Jane Lynch's cat monologue was stupendous and horrifying.)

QUEER FACTOR
C+ (That's not a bad thing. We just didn't get any footballers dancing to "Single Ladies.)

G.PA:
B

What say you? Hollerback!

Early Oscar Picks 09

Best Picture:

Up In The Air
Precious
Avatar
District 9
Inglouriouis Basterds
A Single Man
The Lovely Bones
The Hurt Locker
Up
9

Best Director:

Kathryn B (Hurt Locker)
Q.T (Basterds)
Cameron (Avatar)
P.Jackson (The Lovely Bones)
Marshall (9)

BEST ACTRESS

Abbie Cornish (bright star)
Gabby Sidibe (Preciouis)
Carey Mulligian (An Education)
Annete Benning (Mother and Child)
Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Julianne Moore (A single Man)
Penelope cruz (9)
Monique (Preciouis)
Melanie Laurent(Basterds)
Annie Kendrick (Up in the air)

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christoph Waltz (Basterds)
Peter Sarasgard (An Education)
Anthony Mackie (Hurt Locker)
Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones)
Christian McKay (Me and Orson Wells)

BEST ACTOR

George Clooeny (Up in the air)
Viggo Mortenson (The road)
Daniel Day Lewis (9)
Paul Bettany (Creation)
Colin Firth (A single man)

SCREENPLAY

Up
Inglouriouis Basterds
District 9
A serious man
The hurt locker

ADAPTED

Push
Nine
Up in the air
An Education
A single man

VISUAL EFFECTS

District 9
Transformers 2
Avatar

ANIMATED FILM

Up
Fantastic mr fox
cloudy with a chance of meatballs

Leave Kanye ALONE! or The Gay Fish Was Right

Let's put it out in the open.
Kanye's got ego. Attitude. He's over-emotional, he's complicated; compensating for something, angry, bitter, blitzed.
He's a gay fish.
Happy?
Great. Now that the pettiness of his pursuit for the limelight is in full focus we can all forget about the fact that the men redefined pop music, took several public stands against hip-hop-homophobia, and was the first public figure to point the broken arrow of judgement to George Bush's crossed arms once the levees broke.
But that's not important, right?
What's important--yes, Jesus, I almost forgot--
The important thing is that he ran up on stage, said a one sentence opinion, and crushed the dreams of a 19 year old.
.....
Who gives a red-hot-shit?
Every decade has famous, brilliant people who just happen to be nutso pajamas.
Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Maddonna, Prince, Tupac; these-are-people-who-would-not-friend-you-on-Facebook.
They are ego-driven, angry, not very nice people.
It is not Kanye's job to sit back as some interchangeable chunk of B-grade Americana takes an award she stole under the nose of an icon.
It is Kanye's job to take the stage and say what everybody else was thinking-
now,
not to say that his outburst was politcally correct--
It was rude ad juvenille and selfish.
But he was telling the truth.
..........................................................
The sad thing is? Everybody knows it.
Beyonce's "Single Ladies" music video is already a pop-culture-pinpoint of the years 2008-2009.
It's a catch-phrase.
A flash mob preformed the dance to record numbers.
The president of the United States can do the "Robot Hand."
It's here to stay in a way few songs catch on.
The video itself; a swift (seemingly) single shot is a masterwork of choreography, camera placement and percision.
It's hot.
Now, Ms Swift's video: "You Belong With Me."
Coke bottle glasses. Jumping on a bed. Teenage angst.
The song is literally about a girl at peace with her invisibility; she doesn't stand out in a crowd, "She wears short shirts I wear T-shirts"; she's a doormat.
She likes a boy. He likes a slut.
So what does Taylor do? Ms.Swift puts on a prom dress and gets the man by becoming something that's less then a shadow; she slips into a sliver.
The editing, the pace, the shot-set-up and the imagrey is typical mid 90's VH1.
If the sound was off, the 4 minute short could be easily confused as a scene from TV's "Gossip Girl" or a Clearisil Ultra commercial.
.......................................
"Beyonce had one of the best videos of all Time."
Debatable.
But one of the best of the decade? Sure. One of the best of the year? Fact.
This doesn't make the stunt on Sunday any less painful for Ms.Swift.
This also doesn't make Kanye a villain.
The man is obsessed with perfection. He does not understand mediocrity.
We shouldn't either. Instead of rushing to the side of another guitar playing, lite-rocking, carbon-copy-cookie-cutter-snap-crackle-pop-Shania Twain, we should be wondering how on God's Green Earth a masterwork was mistaken for a misfit next to the likes of a video Spike Jonze wouldn't wipe his ass with.
In 2007, West gave his BET award to Big Boi of Outkast because he felt an injustice had been done.
He spoke out.
In 2009, Kanye took the stage and stuck up for what he thought was the right thing to do.
He didn't murder your dog.
He didn't poison the town's water supply.
He was simply sticking up for what he thought was a massive missconception; holding a Prada magazine up to the Emperor's New Clothes and saying "I mean it's cute--But look at what you're MISSING."

.....Just telling it like it is.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.15: Season Finale!

PREVIOUSLY ON LOST:

So The Oceanic Six and The Island Six intermixed and got jiggy with it while being separated by a space time riff that made Juliet and Sawyer hit it, Jack and Kate get dramatic, and Hurley to still stay the size of the Titanic ANYWAY Locke's not dead anymore now he's back on the island killing boar leading the others to the statue to slay (whatever, check back to season four) ANYWAY Sun's all like "where my Jin at" and Ben's all like "I want DESTINY back" and Guyliners like "Run and TELL dat" and they're all off to find Jacob and everybody's got sandy caked-on-makeup and the season's ending just as shit get's bumfuck (what's bumfuck?) screw this noise I'M LOST!

TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Was anybody else staring at their TV after the "LOST" screen went white going
"W.T.F?!?!!?!"
Gun fights. Knifing. People falling from buildings. Catty one liners. Subs. AND--bitches getting run over by cars.
I don't know about y'all, but anytime some bitch gets suddenly run over by a car, I instantly update my grade to an "A."
Not that this episode needed any assistance--Lost ALWAYS pulls off a kick ass finale.
From the moment Jacob and whoever that fucker was (Let's call him, um, THE DEVIL) sat on that sandy beach and watched THE BLACK ROCK sail in, I was hooked.
And what is UP with the devil, anyway?

WHAT'S UP WITH SATAN:
Why he all about the drama?
See, I think this devil dude is the "course correction" thing on the island. He's the smoke monster. He's Ben's daughter. He's every creepy, sneaky, nasty force on the island.
If Jacob is God (and, basically, he is) then this dark-blue-denim-dude is most DEF the Devil himself.
He be working in mysterious ways, too.
Since he can't directly kill Jacob, he's gotta find some OTHER way to do it.
So he up and grabs Judas (Ben), dresses himself up like his dead daughter, and tells him to do whatever Locke says, knowing FULL WELL that HE IS LOCKE!
This dark-blue-denim-dude is ALL about the mischief. Using Locke as a "loophole" makes total sense--but why are there two Locke's?
Like--how CAN there be two Locke's?
I get the idea of a big bad taking over the appearances of the dead ("The First Evil" did it in Season 7 of Buffy; great great great show)--but I ain't never heard of no BigBad duplicating people. Isn't that just...wasteful?
And....complicated?
Hmmm........

TOUCHED BY A JACOB:
So, Jacob apparently had to touch all of the Oceanic Six to get them to the island. We saw Sayid, Jack, Hurley, Sun, Jin, and Kate all get molested by this ageless hottiemchothot.
Did his touch influence or protect them?
Things to think.
Now, as much as dark-blue-denim-dude is all about the mischief, Jacob seems to be all about the drama.
In that first scene (which I recommend re-watching at least once) Devil dude is all like "this will keep happening, no matter what people you choose"
and Jacob is all like "Maybe not this time".
Jacob is trying to change some fundamental flaw with the island. He's trying to get a certain crew of people to...fix something.
What is it?

HATE-KATE-SECTION
Ok what was with Kate being all heroic and shit?
I hated that shot of her, Sawyer and Juliet standing all Mod Squad in front of Jack's back-to-the-future VW.
Who she thinks she is?
A COCKTEASE, that's what she is.
I hate the way the characters made all their decisions--these huge, monumental, world-changing-choices--based on "love."
Jack wanted to turn back time so he could have another chance with Kate.
Juliet wanted to help Jack because she wanted to forget Sawyer.
PLEASE.
I don't know about y'all, but I watch LOST for the drama, the action, the mythology, and the mindfuck. I don't watch it to see Kate and Jack shoot "come fuck me before it's too late" looks RIGHT in the middle of my season finale.
Everyone?
Just get it out now.
You KNOW you wanted to see Kate die instead of Juliet.
Seeing her nappy hair swaying to the shocks of the electromagnum might even have pulled a tear from my cold-iron-eyes--but no.
We had to see the BEST FEMALE CHARACTER on the show sacrifice herself--
as nappy-headed-crispity-crunchity-peanuty-buttery-Kate stands, looking constipated and underfed.
This is the last HATE-KATE entry of the year--
I HATE YOU KATE!
...Anyway.

LOCKE vs LOCKE
It's going to be fascinating watching the entire season again (which I'm, like, totally gonna do, maybe twice) and try to figure out when Locke stops being Locke and starts being dark-blue-devil-denim-dude. ....See, it's weird, because d.b.d.d.d has all of Locke's memories--he remembers dying, he remembers the hatch, he remembers EVERYTHING--but he's not Locke.
W.t.f, guts. W.t.f.

ROSE AND BERNARD
Fuck. Yes.
Y'all know you wanted it.
Seeing dreadlocked Bernard and still-sassy Rose step out of the jungle underbrush was an emotional high point of the finale--FINALLY, two normal, hard working people who just want to be left the fuck alone.
No time travel.
No smoke monster.
No other-other-others; NOTHING, just each other.
I also love how they deliberatively avoided rescue.
Who needs Dharma-Drama-Camp when you can fuck all day and drink free leftover beer?
I hope we see these two again, hopefully standing over Kate's burnt body with a freshly lit lighter and a satisfied smile.
(EDIT: I'm still recovering from my Juliet and Daniel Faraday deaths. Excuse my bitterness; I only wish Kate a third of the actual death and carnage that I type.)

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
So. Most of our questions were adressed--and then they threw us 80 more.
We know what lies in the shadow of the statue (the translation of Richard's Latin is "the one who will save us all.") but we don't know WHY that info is so important.
We know that dead people lie.
But we don't know why.
We know that the bomb goes off instead of the incident--but we have NO FUCKING CLUE what happened after that.
Maybe Miles was right. Maybe these characters are just on a loop--over and over again, trying to change the past, the present, the future--but it's out of their hands.
Maybe destiny is destiny no matter how it's dealt.
....Or maybe Jacob is seeking to change that. By touching each of the O6, he gave them a bit more free will--he gave them a choice.
Next season, we'll see the effects of that.
Guys, I love reading your comments. I'm sad this is the last LOST of the year--and I'm bummed that we can't keep fucking f-booking about this drama.
Same time, next year?
Final 16 episodes start....in eight months.
Till then there's Weeds, True Blood, Mad Men, and a bunch of other summer shows to look out for.
(I also recommend starting "BattleStar Galatica". If the last season of LOST can end like that, the show will be perfection.)
Until next time--NAMASTE, MOTHERFUCKAS!

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.12-14

PREVIOUSLY on "LOST"-

So the islands all like "I'll put a spell on you" and our castaways are spread out in two different time periods (Hot people=1977, ugly people=2007) and everybody's going all vision questy trying to find their fathers or talk to dead people or make star wars sequels ("Lost", it GOES there) ANYWAY shit gets bonkers when hottie-mc-hothot Daniel Faraday comes back to the island on a sub and goes all RipVanWinkle on these motherfuckers and is all like "Who says I can't change the past y'all don't know me I'ma crazy mofo from the wrong side of the island, BRING IT!" and then shit gets broughten when he stumbles into the camp of the Hostile Other-Other-Other's-Others and gets shot by his Mother (Oh, Brother) anyway Locke's alive and wants to kill Jacob, Jack's jumping into subterranean holes in the ground (And I'm not talking about Kate's loose vag) and Hurley STILL doesn't know who was president in 1977 (it was Jimmy Carter...Right...Right?!) oh who cares fuck this noise I'm LOST.
...........
TELLING IT LIKE IT IS:
Wow. When "Lost" takes a break, "Lost" takes a BREAK.
I didn't recap the last few episodes because I think they would all flow better on DVD. Honestly. There's not much I can pick apart from Ben seeing his dead daughter or Hurley and Miles chomping scenery while waiting for the end credits to come I MEAN waiting for something...to...happen.
The "Lost" Lull totally busted apart last week--Daniel Faraday (formerly my favorite character/constant/fan-fiction-fodder) bought-the-farm.
It turns out his "whatever happened, happened" speech from a few weeks ago was total bullshit.
....Or was it?
If we're to believe that the past CAN change, then Daniel's theory is wrong.
But, if his quote still stands, then that means his Mother--The whitehairedharrypotterwitchbitch (come on now I TOLD y'all they were related)--KNEW that she would, one day, shoot her son.
THAT means she sent Faraday back to the Island to die.
That's cold, yo.

THE HATEFUL WOMEN OF "LOST"
Speaking of whitehariedharrypotterwitchbitch, what is her fucking DEAL?!
FIRST she lets that sleazy-steamy-pile-of-cheesy-d-bag Widmore knock her up,
THEN she makes her son stop playing the piano to focus on science (Come on, piano players get all the red-headed-nose-bleeding-chicks)
AND THEN she has the NERVE to dress like she's about to teach a make-up session of Herbology.
Get your priorities straight, woman.
(EDIT: Sorry. I am still reeling from the death of my beloved Faraday. I was already supposed to be past the 7 stages of death, but I think I'm on the eighth, which is callous, unadulterated bitchiness.)
....Anyway.
SPEAKING of people who fuck up everything they touch, what's up with Kate?
Christ. Can this woman do ANYTHING right?

KATE'S LIST OF HUGE THINGS TO FUCK UP IN THE MOST MELODRAMATIC WAY--Day 3
1. Save future Hitler Ben from getting shot in the heart from Sayid. (Just because, lol!)
2. Totally tell his Father what I did and put my homies life in jeopardy. (Sweeps week ha-ha!)
3. Crash Juliet and Sawyers love sub with my wandering eye and generally foul odor. (Check!)

Kate's a homewrecker, a fate-tester, and a slap-dash-mad-cap-thunderclap-clusterfuck.
If ANYONE dies in the season finale, it must be Kate.
(But I think it's gonna be Juliet.)
BUT IT SHOULD BE KATE!
.............Finally.
We have Sun, who, honestly, is just trying to find her man.
I get that.
(Faraaaaaaadaaaaaaaaay---)
No, I do. I understand her need to fulfill her destiny or whatever.
But.
Honestly.
Girl? You're turning into a broken record in a world of zip drives.
If this chica stands on the beach one more time, listens to some dramatic speech by Locke, nods her head like she's listening, then raises her hand and asks "If we do whatever you just said, will we find Jin?" I swear to Richard Alpert I will write a hate-rap about her.
Sun just needs to CHILL. Nobody knows what's going on, girl,Nobody!
...Except maybe Jacob.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

So, like I said, shit is TOTALLY hitting the fan.
All the pieces are in place.
The Hot Crew is all set to rewrite history by evacuating the island--only to have their plan thwarted by Jack, who, for some reason,thinks his "Destiny" can change everything when he activates an HBomb.
(When did activating a bomb ever SOLVE anything,Jack. Damn,I thought you were a doctor. Man of Science,more like Man of Bullshit.)
Meanwhile, the ugly crew is on a magical mystery tour lead by formerly dead Locke to the Center of the Island to Kill Jacob.
Jacob, who no one has seen.
Jacob, who may not exist.
Jacob, who might turn out to be special guest star Toni Braxton.
(Kidding. Maybe. Kidding. Kind of. Kidding.)
......Here's what I think is finna go down.
I think we're going to get another mind altering, W.T.F cliffhanger, a'la season 3.
I can't imagine this time travel thinking stretching on into next season--I just can't.
I don't know about y'all, but I have a hard enough time keeping up with the ever shifting rules and regulations with jumping backwards into time--I'm not saying I don't dig it (I do, dig it, I do)--but it's waywayway complicated.
(I have similar issues with the new "Star Trek", but let's not get that gay today, OK?)
...I think someone's gonna die. (Juliet, come on.)
....I think someone's gonna return (Claire? Please.)
.....And I think we'll see Rose and Bernard. (HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA!)
But of course I could be wrong. Maybe Jacob's the smoke monster,or a dinosaur, or a dinosaursmokemonster, or maybe Jacob's Jack and Jack's Jacob in the future or maybe what lies in the shadow of the statue is an action figure of Bobba Fett and all hope is lost and Jin will never find Sun and she'll spend the rest of the final season on a broken record like the island skipskipskipskip of fuck this noise I'M LOST!

Oh no. They. Didn't.