Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.9

PREVIOUSLY:
So the Oceanic Six went back to the island to save their homies BUT little did they know that their homies had become part of the Dharma Initavie with freakycreepy jobs like Janitor (Sawyer) Mechanic (Juliet) and DharmaDramaCamp Babysistter (Daniel FaraGay in full-on Benjamin Button mode) ANYWAY Locke's alive and all vision-questy, the redheadednosebleeder is dead (not like Locke-dead; like Shannon dead, like Eko dead, like Michelle Rodrigez's career dead) and some baby was born on the island and Rose and Bernard are probably totally fucked and Guyliner's looking finer then ever (and might be older then Larry King) maybe he should have a show but there's no TV on the island at least no internet just the smoke monster (W.t.f is the smoke monster) oh who cares fuck this noise I'm LOST.
.....................

TELL IS LIKE IT IS:
First of all, 1977 Ben is like Harry Potter's dark and mortally fucked up twin.
Same glasses, some hair, same "Destiny" obsession (shouldn't Ben be all up with the "Star Wars" trivia and his rubic-cube collection, I mean come-on)--kid is FUCKED UP.
....But not the most fucked up character on this show.
At least, not this episode.
Let's list them, from least to most.

5.
Sun and Lapeduis and Ben: VENGANCE MISSION!
Sun is ALL about the drama.
She ain't putting up shit with NObody.
Y'all saw her lay the smack-down on Ben. Bitch is CRAZY for Jin and will stop at nothing.
I also dug how Lapedius
1. Went all Sully on that TitanicShip and landed on the runway (the same one Ben Had Sawyer and Kate build in Season Three)--dude deserves a medal.
2. Got bored on leading the survivors and basically said "peace out y'all" as he went to follow Sun.
3. Was the only person with sense enough to tell somebody NOT to trust Ben. Jesus, don't these people ever read my blog?
Their final confrontation with GhostDad Christian was totally badass too.
And did anybody catch Claire in the background?
Right when Sun is looking at the picture of the "Namaste" crew.
Don't you wish you had DVR?

4. Juliet-The Sane ONE
Her slow realization that the child she was holding was none other then DharmaBaby Ethan (Which I totally figured out last "Get Lost"; I'm telling y'all I'm a Maverick Maverl with this shit)--was a perfect bit of acting and totally non-annoying.
Also, her "it's in the laundry" aside to Sawyer was a great example of their relationship.
AND--her swoop-in to save Kate from TOTALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING UP during her Dharma interview.
Juliet is a Golden Godess.

3. Sawyer and Jack-The Leading Men
Love the role-reversal with "Man of Science" Jack and "Man of Six Pack" Sawyer.
Even though the Churchill comment was a little too bizaree to be belived, Sawyer seems to have his shit together--
HOWEVER
I think Jack did a fine job steering everybody clear of catastrophe in the early days. I mean, w.t.f was the guy supposed to do?
Sawyer's got a lot on his plate, and his promise to free Sayid will clearly be an epic-fall (judging be next week's previews.)
At least we didn't have to sit through long scenes of Jack and Sawyer staring at Kate from diffrent directions as the score throbbed and Kate's nappy hair blew in the sea-wind.
Oh, wait.
WE DID.

2.
Miles and Hurley--The bumbling clusterfucks.

Mile's in full on Dharma mode makes perfect sense. His rat-like tendencies and general shadiness make perfect sense when surrounded by a group of people who treat shadiness as a suntan lotion.
Miles is straight, right? Because in 3 years--you would THINK--he'd find some Dharma Intern to go down on in the interim.
I mean, he can talk to ghosts, right? Maybe he could engage in some of those after-life-orgasms that are so popular on "Grey's Anatomy" this season (not to mention "Ghost Whisperer").
Hmmm.
Anyway, I wonder what Hurley's new job is going to be. Everything he touches seems to turn to shit. I'm suprised he didn't blow the lid on the whole operation ("Who's the president in 1977?!") and send everybody back to square one.
Hurley? The answer you're looking for is Jimmy Carter.
Hindsight is 20/20.

And, finally, THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON on Last Night's LOST was--

1.
Kate-the Medea without a Mind

.....W.T.F is up with this chica, I mean FOR REAL.
Girl needs to pound down one of those 5 hour energy drinks or drink some coffee or do a line (come on, it's the 70's) but PLEASE woman WAKE-UP.
Not everyone is wooed by your whispery line readings.
Not everyone likes your "me too can do" attitude.
Shiiiit.
Even Sawyer's had enough of AssFreckles; y'all saw that ugly 70's Mama and the Papa's shirt he gave Kate, as if to say "cover up you sleazy hootch."
For a former wannabee con-woman, Kate couldn't even think of a decent lie during her Dharma interview. Didn't she escape a hospital in a police car?
Didn't she set a house on fire?
Didn't she wear a blonde wig?!?!
If this bitch thinks she's the next Alias she's got a lotta shit to learn.
Kate's a babykiller, a cheater, a liar, and not a naturaul burnettte.
Just telling it like it is.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

SAYID-
So Sayid's in deep shit. Why did the island put him in the 70's and leave Sun and Ben and Lapedius in the 00's?
Poor guy. He's always forced to remember the fact that he tourtued/improsined innocent people for the majority of his life. Everytime he thinks he's hit a new rhytym (like voulenetering for GreenPeace off the island) he's sucked right back into the cycle.
I think we'll get a big old flashback episode with him next week.

THE NEW SURVIVORS
I'm glad Casear is their new leader, because he seems INSANE.
Oh well. Now the show has 48 new people to kill in the most random ways possible--I wanna see some fuckers get snacked on by the Smoke Monster, or at least get pulled into BlackWidowHaterKate's web of death.

ROSE AND BERNARD
Where the fuck are they?!?!!
I hope they didn't turn into those Adam and Eve skeletons.
WE NEED their middle aged desperation and general "Gilligans Island" drama!
Or maybe...they were abduced by the 70's Other's (not the other-others but the other-other-OTHERS)--the hostiles.

And what's up with new DharmaBabyEthan? Is Kate going to go all Madea on that shit to protect the future? Will Juliet and Kate get in another handcuffed fistacuff? WHERE'S DANIEL FARADAY call child protection, call Libby, call WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT call Michael (oh wait he's dead, no wait he hasn't been born yet, no, wait) oh fuck this noise I'm LOST.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.8

PREVIOSUILY:
So The Oceanic Six and The Island Six are now in the same place at the same time (even Locke, who was dead, but now he's not, maybe, I don't know) anyway last time we saw the Oceanic Six they all jumped on a plane that went all Titanic (tramautic; NOW they're back on the island trying to save the people they left behind and Kate's all Medea and Jack's miserable and Sayid's a refugee camp all star and Hurley's still huge and Sun's Vengance Mission and BABYAARON is dead (How dead, like Locke dead or like Eko dead) maybe like Amy Winehouse dead so he's still walking about but he's only dead inside oh I don't know fuck this noise I'm LOST.
..................
TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
First off--
Ok so W.T.F is with that huge statue?
I freaked.
It's totally the three toed statue from Season Two's finale.
Even better, it looks (at least from the back) a lot like an Egyptian God: Maybe Osiris, maybe Anibuis, maybe Isis.
These Gods all at least hold some connection to the underworld, which would make episode 6's title "this place is death" an errie giveaway......Since Locke is walking around and there's a big freaking statue of OSIRIS hanging around, could that mean that the Lost island is some kind of gateway...
Whatever. I ain't even getting into that hippy dippy shit, mmmk?
I'm all about the characters, and this episode was loaded with them.

JULIET
She's been king of hanging around this season.
Sassy comeback here, "bang bang shoot shoot" there, but no huge character arc. When we first met her, she was an hourglass loaded with mystery, secrets, suspense; all about the DharmaDrama.
Now? Ever since Jack's flipped the light fantasitc, she's been regulated to sad-sack-status, which is where LOST writers seem to put character right before they kill them. (See: Ecko, Charlie, Shannon, redheadednosebleeder.)
In this episode, Juliet totally snatched the bad-ass crown and held it high.

1. She birthed a baby. (I think it might be that guy who kidnapped Claire in season one.)
2. She made Sawyer tell it like it is.
3. She's a hardcore monkeywrenching mechanic.

All signs of bad-ass-ness and total control. I'm glad she's back on the wagon.
At first, I didn't buy the lovey-dovey eyes her and Sawyer shot throughout the first leg of this season, but now I'm all about it. How desprate, bored, and horny would YOU be if you were stuck an some shady island in the early 70's?
The answer? Horny enough to boink Sawyer.

MILES
Everybody's favorite sassy-shady-scientist.
Was he born on the island? If so, that makes him a helpful ethnic addition to the ever-growing spinoff, "LOST: DharmaDrama Babies".
If not, I'm wondering when he's going to get his "3.5 million dollars" from Ben, because he's not doing much right now. He's GOT to be put to good use soon, what with his superpowers (the sixth-senseness) and total bad-ass-ness.
Do we see any dead people?

JIN
He's just punchdrunklovelost right now. How many hairy palms do you guys think he got in the 3 years pining for the love of his life?

FARAGAY
Speaking of hairy palms, this kid must have to shave on a daily basis.
I personally did NOT want to see Faragay going all Benjamin Button on the redheadednosebleeder's 4 year old version of herself.
Shit is NASTY!
Y'all saw the way he looked at her.
Shady.
BUT, let's keep tabs on that relationship.
Why?
1. So we can alert child protection services.
2. Because the redheadednosebleeder said that a "creepy old man" told her to never go back to the island. My guess is that it's Faragay.
Creepy.
Finally--

SAWYER

My. LaFluer himself.
(For those of you thinking of googling; the name mean's "Flower.")
Former-con-men can always shit out lies at the drop of a hat. Sawyer not only managed to keep the team safe on the island, but he inserted every member of the Island 6 into huge roles within the Dharam Initiavie.
Also, that convo with Guyliner? Totally creepy.
I wonder how hostile the Other-Others are willing to get.
True, we know Ben was sent to kill the Dharma-Others in season three, but who sent the order?
Could it have been Guyliner?
Hmmm.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

I wonder how much these characters are fucking with the space time continium--or are they just doing everything according to plan?
Were they ALWAYS destined to go to the 70's and help the D.I--or are these events changing the ENTIRE history of the island?
V. confused.
But, at the end of the day, the show works it out. We're never bogged down in mystery-mode; we're interested in the characters.
I cried when Sawyer locked eyes with Kate on that dreamy seascape; her nappy, shredded, stingy hair blowing in the wind with a look of Trailer-Park-Wonder etched into her sagging cheekbones.
Magic.
No matter how thick the mystery gets (and I believe tonight's episode will only stir it up even more) we always have the characters to latch onto...As Desmond would say, they're our "constant."
...But really, w.t.f is up with that staute, and is Guyliner like the big bad, and where's Jacob, and is Faragay a pedophile (eeew) anyway where's Smoky and who are the REAL others not the other-others but the other-other-other-others (others?) WHOSE BABY WAS BORN what did they do without the internet for three years did they get to see "Star Wars" oh fuck this noise I'm LOST.
.................wWWWEEEEErrrrrrrrOW.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.7

Previously on Lost:
Ok so the Island six are slipping through time (and space) DharamDrama's all over the place Jack's Dad's all up in Locke's face and the big word this season is FATE soooo the Oceanic six are rounded up by Ben who's supposedly doing what Locke failed to do before he died (catch em catch em gotta catch em all) so now the O6 is going BACK to the island (which is like trying to re-crash the Titanic, traumatic) anyway everybody's on the same island now but we still don't know why Locke wanted them to get there in the first place or where the island is in time (and space) and why the redheadednosebleeder was needed in the first place and since when are hope and destiny and fate interlaced (I don't know) stop asking me I'm LOST.
.............

TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Locke's not my favorite.
That being said, I remember the first time I sat down to watch Lost--uh-oh, I feel a flashback coming on
weEEEEEEEErooooow.
(Hey, don't bitch. Everybody else has 'em.)
The first time I saw LOST I watched the first few episodes in a row. Right when I was supposed to turn off the TV and turn on, oh, I don't know, MY LIFE, I caught the first Locke-centric episode, "Walkabout."
As soon as Locke wheeled out from behind that desk--I knew I was hooked on the show.
So, even though Locke always ends at the high end of my annoy-o-meter, that doesn't mean I won't give the big lug some love.
The episode started with Locke wrapped in a cloak that he pulled off the back-rack of the HarryPotterWhiteHairedWitchBitch outlet mall.
Locke appears to the newly crashed island inhabitants, who are much more chill about the whole "our plane just crashed" thing then the Oceanic ensemble EVER was.
(Which leads me to belive at least a few of them were sent on the plane by Widmore. More on that later).
Anyway, everybody's scared of Locke because of his cloak and his bald head and that whole "destiny" thing.
Little do they know, Locke is pretty clueless about how he got there, too.
Flashback--weeeeRRRRRRROW,
and we see Locke's entire journey off the island.
Like some shady sickly Santa Claus, Locke is taken around America, "Driving Miss Daisy" style, by Abadanon, that creepy tall black henchmen.
With Locke in the back seat and Ab as the driver, imagine the high flying adventures!
Or, don't.
Anyway, Locke makes a naughty and nice list of all his island homies.
Nice:
WAAAAAAAALT, who appears not the least bit suprised to see Locke off the Island.
Kid's still fucking creepy.
Naughty:
Kate, Hurley, Jack, Sayid, Sun, and BabyAaron, who didn't say anything but probally puked in his general direction.
Poor Locke.
He's just trying to save some lives and what happens?
He's not greeted as the jolly old man with gifts and shit, no, he's treated more like Will Smith in 7lbs--with general ambivelince and feeble box office returns.
(I know the ending for 7lbs. Don't see it, just ask me to spoil it for you. The truth is out there.)
Now, let' not forget Locke's a man on a missions.
But who's mission?
Jack's Dad--who told him to turn the frozen donky wheel--(Jesus I love this show.)
Or
Widmore--who's set up shop at the same Tuscan desert where Ben appeared during last season.
I honestly get VERY very confused with this Ben vs Jack's Dad vs Jacob thing, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
They all want the same thing--right?
I don't know.
Whatever, moving on--
Nobody wants to go with Jack. Esp. not Kate, who's all like "you just a sad old man mmmk don't come knocking round here no more a'ight I gots a BABY now mmmk?"
Locke is hopeless.
He can't get anybody to jump in the backseat of his creepy sleigh-ride of doom,
his Morgran Freeman like sidekick is shot to death,
and his man-tittes are looking a little ripe post island.
So what does he do?
He tries to commit suicide. But not the simple way like, say, a gunshot to the head or a marathon of "Degrassi" on the N,
no,
Locke does it the good old fashioned way: with a chair, a shitty motel room, and 8 feet of rope from some store called "Hangers".
(Ha. Ha. Funny Funny, writers. Really.)
Well, Ben get's all heroic and saves Locke at the last moment--
only to then STRANGLE Locke himself.
Now.
I've got a few theories about this..since we KNOW Jacob (Or Jack's Dad or whoever Old Man Who Hangs out in Frozen Wheels was) wants Locke to die.
Apparently, it's the only way to go back to the island.
We can assume that Ben knows this, too, just, well, I don't know, just because.
So why does Ben stop him BEFORE Locke does what needed to be done anyway?
......................................................................................................
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

I think he stops Locke because you can't become alive on the island if you kill yourself--somebody else has to kill you.
hmmm? hmmmm?
Once Locke's dead, snake-oil-salesmen Ben can use his anti-Shady-Claus scheming ways to get everybody back to the island, like, for real.
So he sends people to freak out Kate and her baby,
he takes Jin's ring to show Sun,
he fate-rapes Jack into going back,
etc, etc, etc.
All...for...what, exactly?
We keep hearing rumors of a war, but what the fuck is that? Other-others versus simple others?
Man versus fate? 70's versus 00's?
(70's would totally win.)
Or, is it something bigger.
Like--end of the world big.
Er.
Who knows, maybe Desmond will come into play, maybe Faraday's got something to say, maybe the redheadednosebleeder is like Kate Winslet in "The Reader" and the whole island's just some theater and your car's running on the meter and OH fuck it to death who cares I'm LOST.
.................................................................................................

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.6

Previously on LOST:
So six people got off the island (in order of least to most annoying: Sayid, Sun, Jack, Hurley, BabyAaron, Kate) but their lives are meaningless without the action filled two months they spent with their darmadrama summer-camp homies ("Jacob4eva! See you next apocolypse!"); they need to go back and save them, lead by former-frienemy-now-total-chummy-Benjerman Linus. The Oceanic Six get closer and closer to fending off fate, killing off Kate, and setting the record straight because it keeps skipskipskiprrrrrrrrrrrr nevermind I'm LOST.
......................
TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
My DVR is fucked up.
So, I'm sure you know, but DVR is a life saver. You can record several programs at once, save them as long as you want; it's digital love.
Until my digital love get's DELETED.
That's right--SOMEONE programed "American Idol: Beyond Thunderdome" to record on what might have been the most intense night of this season.
Thank God (or Oprah) that my rehearsal got canceled that night, or I would have gone all Chris Brown on someone.
Shit.
Anyway, crisis averted.
We got to see the Oceanic Six put aside their petty differences (I always forget how fucking RICH these characters are now. Remember the settlement? How it's in the nine digits? The Oceanic 6 could save the economy.)
We got to see Miss Hawkings (Daniel Hopehesgay Mother) going all Harry-Potter-Witch-Bitch with a swinging pendalum.
We ignored the redheadednosebleeder.
Best. Episode. Ever.
After Hawking sent the gang on their merry way, every character had to come to terms with their own departure.
Here's what I imagine Kate's "coming to terms" list looks like:
KATE:
1.
Should I pack running shoes?
2.
What about my ipod?
3.
Should I KILL MY STOLEN CHILD?!
4.
Must DVR "Wild Things". OMG Denise Richards lol!
5.
Go to airport.

Kate checked off EVERYTHING on that list.
Come ON. What ELSE would she do to poor baby Aaron?
You saw her lusthumping pity-sex with sadsackJack.
She wouldn't just drop her baby off at a children's shelter and hop back in bed with a man she clearly can't stand.
She
A) Sold him on the black market to some redhot white folks
B) Gave him to her Mother
or
C) Went Medea on that shit.

Kate's a criminal. Imagine the pathos of killing her stolen child?!
THAT'S enough drama to get her through the next season.
Ok. Part of me wants to believe she did option B, but.....she wouldn't. She just wouldn't. Kate did something hardcore,
and,
short of dropping babyAaron through some timehole (teehee); I think she would rather take his life then see the island take it.
Didn't ghostdancer Claire tell Kate NOT to bring back Aaron?
Hmm.
Moving on.
I loved the scene of everyone coming back to the airport.
I also wasn't as shocked by Sun coming back as Jack seemed to be--come ON, Vengenace Mission Sun is totally turning into Victory Mission Sun, happy dancing included.
Hurley finally stopped his Anne Heche attitude and hopped on the plane (even after trying to snatch up every seat. Don't fuck with fate, bro.)
Now,
the odd thing about this was seeing Sayid being carried away in handcuffs.
Yes, it completes the "replicate the original flight" bit that whitehairedharrypotterwitchbitchhawkings told them to recreate,
BUT
what was Sayid in trouble for?
And why not just take him to a jail in LA?
Could Ben have something to do with it?
He was looking pretty shady @ the docks.
.....Which leads me to my final theories.
......................
CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
-Ben killed Penny.
Come on.
Who else could it be?
-The Oceanic 6 and the Island 6 are now on the same island,
in the same time.
But is everybody else?
-I'm excited to see the plane crash from the new survivors perspective.
You know it's finna be awesome.
-LOST has amazing moments of drama shoved in between heart-stopping action.
The episode was wonderfully written, directed, edited and acted.
Can TV get any better?
-No.
-ikeout

"Where are we?"
No.
WHEN are we, bitch.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.5

Previously on "Lost":
(Try this in one breath, people.)
OK so six survivors escaped the island via helicopter only to find that their lives basically suck without polar bears and dharma beer and WAAAAAAAAAAAALT so they decide to high-tail it back to the island so their lives will be worth a damn but DRAMA they all have to go back and some of them have gotten FUCKED-UP like Hurley's crazy(ier) Sayid's all Greenpeace and Sun's gone Vengeance Mission SO it's up to Ben (former frienemy and total dharma-drama magnet) to get them back where they belong or else the friends they left behind will be forever LOST.
.......
RECAP
Meanwhile, the Island 6-(In order of least annoying) Juliet Sawyer Miles Faraday Locke and the redheaded nosebleeder-are totally Lost In Space (and time) and are constantly jumping back to the future.
Personally, I love the time jumps. I love the brightwhitelight I love the sound effect and I LOVE that, with every jump, the redheadednosebleeder get's further and further away from LIFE ITSELF.
I tried to like her.
I tried to support her odd accent and general Lucy-from-Narnia vibe (she's ALL about jumping back through the wardrobe!)
-but, alas, she's a one-toss-albatross; this season she's done NOTHING but poop red makeup out of her nose and STEAL my man, Daniel Faraday.
Who's smoking hot.
Like, hotter then a poptart fresh outta the toaster he's-
Nevermind.
More on her later.
This episode introduced us to '88 era Roseau, who's totally more chill then '03 era Roseau.
Really. Who would you rather go on a boat trip with?
A plucky twenty something with a pothead's haircut
or
THE WILD THING.
.....I'd pick the former.
'88-era-R was all about helping Jin, even though her homies were all like "he's weird and foreign and puffy faced".
Turns out Jin totally saved Rosseau!
Instead of letting her jump down the smoke-monster's-hole (eeew), he prevented her from being mind-fucked by Big Smoky.
Speaking of Smoky.
Turns out he's totally capeable of controlling people's minds!
Crazy shit.
So THAT'S the sickness that took away Rosseau's crew.
It wasn't the time travel nose-bleeding thing; the sickness is the SmokeMonster.
Hmmmm.......
Anyway, Jin jumped back (or forward?) in time, meeting up with the Island 6.
(New Annoying Chart: Juliet, Sawyer, Miles, Jin, Faraday, Locke, redheadednosebleeder still in last place)
Well, minus Locke.
After trying to get back to the Orchid, Locke jumps down a hole into a well--
and dissapears in time, leaving only a limp rope behind.
Dra-ma.
But y'all KNOW we ain't seen the last of locke.
Jacob (or Jack's Dad, or, fuck, I don't know)--informs him of his destiny.
He needs to get everyone back to the island--
and he has to die.
SAY WHAT?!?!!
Finally, the time jumps seemed to totally push redheadednosebleeder to DEATH.
Beaten by the migranie induced flashes, she collasped into the arms of my boyfriend and,
with nary a tissue or a hankerchief,
snotted out her final clue:
She's been to the island before.
Which means my theory (of people who've been on the island the longest being the most affected by the flashbacks)--is true.
I'm a Golden God.
Or at least a plastic one.
..........................
OBSERVATIONS
-Bye redheadednosebleeder. We know thee too well.
-How hot is Faraday?
-Juliet needs more stuff to do.
-We learn something new about the smoke monster every time we see him, it, her, er, anyway.
-Maybe Jacob IS the smoke monster? Like...he takes over people's bodies and...makes them do stuff and...he's like a spirit or a ghost or an essence or a shadow (or Casper?) oh whatever fuck this I'm LOST.
-ikeblog

WILL.SHE.EVER.DIE?!

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.4

PREV. on "LOST"

So the survivors of 815 are all meeting in L.A 'cause this white-haired-Harry-Potter-witchbitch is all like "You have 70 hours to get back to the island" and they HAVE to go back because all their homies have been slipping in and out of time for like three years and seeing dead people and french people and hot people (like the ageless Other with the guy-liner; hubba) but time is running out and drama's building up and where the hell is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT I'm LOST.

"THE LITTLE PRINCE"

So.
Kate episode.
....Usually they suck, royally. No offense to Evangilene Lilly's acting, but that character is like the black
jolly-rancher jellybean in a pile of greens reds and blues.
That being said: What.An.Episode.

"THE OCEANIC SIX"

From the opening moments with Kate and Jack's pre-island-"rescue", you knew something big was finna drop.
"Me Too"Kate cooked up the idea of pretending she was pregnant (which is a huge jump in logic but I'm willing to leap) and then made Jack announce it to the group as if it was some impromtou idea of his own.
Meanwhile, Vengance-Mission Sun has Kate EXACTLY where she wants her--
or does she?
V.M.Sun, I assumed, was working with Widmore to capture Kate for some mission of vengance;
but, it turns out that Sun has no need for Kate--
all Sun needs is a chocolate-box-covered-colt.45 and a google map of wherever Ben's @.
With baby Aaron in the backseat (who, by the by, eats better then I do)--V.MSun blazed into the starlight to shoot Ben,
JUST as Jack and long-lost-frienemy Kate rendevouded with Sayid and co.
This was the best of the off-island subplots since they began. We had our character in survival mode (Or, in Sun's case, VENGANCE MODE!)--battling the powers that be in a way that recalled the glory days of Season One.
"Go there, get her, hide from him, run here, pause for meaningful character moments"--it was LOST at it's most basic, but, with the new setting, all the old trappings appeared fresh, new, and--
should I go there?
--Sexy.
Next week: Either V.M.Sun puts one right between Ben's eyes or everybody breaks out into a musical number about how "times have changed, haven't they?"
My money's on Sayid for the dance break.

"ON THE ISLAND"

Thank comic-book genius Brian K Vaughn for the serial-like-sickness of time-slips and gun-shots ripping though the survivors "Back to the Future" picnic.
Vaughn (Of Y:The Last Man fame) is incredible at pushing plot, character, and theme forward with action scenes and mounting suspence; everyone had a clear purpose, objective, and hidden secret.
It seems that the red-headed-nose-bleeder (TM!) is only the first to become afflicted with the time-jump sickness.
Next? Myles.
Then? Juliet.
Hmm....
Who's been on the island the longest?
My money goes on the characters in that order, ending with Sawyer and Locke, who have only been on the island for, what, 100 and so days?
The red-headed-nose-bleeder and Myles have logged mega time-sheet papers for Dharma--
Or--
And maybe I'm just crazy--
I think they both could have been born on the island.
Myles could totally be the baby in the first scene of the season--the son of the "Namatase" guy.
Juliet, as we saw, has been on the island for several years, but not as long as the red-headed-nose-bleeder,
whose time-line is still in the fuzzy.
Speaking of the fuzzy--what was with the time jump and the canoe?
Now.
MAYBE I'M CRAZY--
But I think that's the Oceanic 6! I think they got to the island on some kind of Indian airline (notice the tickets and etc littered around the beach) and shot at whoever STOLE THEIR FUCKING CANOE--not realizing, of course, they were shooting at the same people they were trying to SAVE.
Drama.
Dharma.
Drama.
Dhrama-Drama.

"NEXT"

Shit's gonna start linking up quick.
Jin's back in the game.
Color me shocked.
I hope he realizes that the time-travel rules are more "Harry Potter" then "Heroes"--you can't change the past, so it's no use trying to tell crazy french women that everyone on their team will die,
because,
they're all going to die anyway, no matter WHAT you do.
Whatever, Jin speaks about as much English as a drunk Lindsay Lohan.
Will V.M Sun withdraw her mission when she hears her husband is still alive?
Methinks so.
Will Locke die soon?
Methinks so.
Will Daniel Faraday ditch the red-headed-nose-bleeder and hold me in his arms as we embrace this ever-changing-land-of-the-lost?!?!?!?!?!?!?
.....By the end of the season, AT-LEAST.
ikeout.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.2

O.
M.
G.

PREVIOSUILY:
So flight 815 crash landed on this time-confounding island where there's monsters and emmys and Michele Rogregeiz (she died, then came back, then died, then lost a lot of weight, whatever) anyway 6 people got off this crazy clusterfuck only to find out that in order to save the other people on the island:
they have. to go. BACK.

"JUGHEAD"
After last weeks season opener concentrated on the intrigue behind getting BACK to the island (Claire's baby, Sun's plotting, Hurley's hot-pocket-throwing-ninja-

moves)--this week treated us to an epic, time bending piece of classic "Lost."
"Jughead" featured my personal favorite character (Daniel Faraday, more on him later) leading the "Freighties" through a Brittish occupied camp of others:
Lead. By. Richard.
Now, Richard never ages, but aren't you always shocked every-time he's revealed?
Like in Ben's flashback--or Locke's?
I want to see a show about Richard popping up during the JFK assasaniation, the moon landing, and the Obama Inagruation, being all like "Deal, bitch."
I bet he's got a rotten portrait hanging in a closet somewhere.
Moving on.
The Others are mystified about an H-Bomb (how the fuck did THAT get there?) and use Daniel to "dismantle" the seismic slice of ka-boom.
He's lead there by a sassy Brit with pigtails--a Brit named "Ellie."
....It took me a second, but, thanks to my knowledge of all things "Degrassi: The Next Generation" I realized that Ellie was short by Eloise--
What other Eloise do we know?
(Not, not Ellie from "Degrassi", the tanorexic go-for-broke stoner who dated Skinner before he joined the cult and almost married that one chica who went all Lolita and tried to kill herself in front of--nevermind,)
The OTHER one, Eloise Hawking--
the white-witch-harry-potter-bitch who appeared in "Flashes Before Your Eyes" in season 3, and, most recently, in last week's opener!
It makes sense--Eloise looks about 70, and "Ellie" from last night could pass for a late teen-early twenty something.
Now, there's talk about Daniel's Mother being the white-haired-harry-potter-witchbitch--
which would explain how cool and calm Daniel was when Ellie had him at gunpoint.
Remember the rules of time travel: She can't KILL him because HE hasn't been BORN yet.
....Whoa.
Also, Whidmore is an other!
Makes sense. Now, he wants to get BACK to the island.
AND, it makes sense that he gave Desmond Ellie's number--those homies go way back to '54, yo!
It's all. Making. Sense.
....Sort of.

DANIEL FARADAY
Some people are all up on Desmond like he's Brad Pitt-
but Faraday's hotter then a poptart, fresh out of the toaster.
First of all, his thin-black-tie-ruffled-collar is so iconic that I want the action figure, like, now.
Second of all, his obsession with science over love is much more fascinating then Desmond's time-traveling-hard-on for that blonde shitza whose name stands for an ever deflating form of currency.
(Penny and pennies are over. Check the stock market "Brotha"! Shit.)
Also, kudos for Jeremy Davies rising forth from a dying film career to craft a fidgety, nuerotic preformance that's layered, funny, and dark.
Sure, he "cares" about that red-headed-nose-bleeding-bombshell, but everytime he's looking at her I feel that he's looking through her--thinking about string theory, or Darwainism, or contemplating a tricky Dave Matthews Band lyric.
("Crash--into me?")
Anyway, he's the shit, and with Jack being all beardy and L.A, he's the closest we have to a leading man.
....Sawyer doesn't count. He's too naked.

ANNOYING SHIT
Star trek had the "Red shirts"; Lost has the "Lookouts".
Anyone who's acting too much like they're "looking out" for the audience:
Like Aranz in Season One, or last week's complaining, un-named know-it-all--
gets toasted in the worst way possible.
Aranz got blown up, and last week's asshole (who was acutally WEARING a red shirt) was the first to get hit by the biggest wall of flaming arrows since last years Gay Pride Festival in Utah.
How many fucking people are on this island anyway?
They can't kill off any more, really--48 people survived the crash, last week we saw at least 5 on camera deaths, this week two, COUNTLESS more in seasons two, three and four......not to mention 10 or so people abducted when the others attacked in season one.
Whatever.
This week? The two that got toasted by the '54 crew were gone in seconds.
Seconds.
Those poor, poor day players.

COOL SHIT
Juliet.
"Why don't we all just put down our guns?"
Best. Cockblock. Ever.
Also, I-see-dead-people hottie.
I love how the fact that he can speak to the deceased is as common as not having toilet paper on the island.
Nobody cares!
I also love how we didn't see any of the oceanic 6--BUT we learned that Desmond and Penny and Charlie Jr (he named his son after his dead homie! love it!) are going to meet up up with Jack and co in LA.....

NEXT:
I think Penny's gonna die.
Or, Desmond goes back to the island.
Or both.
I think Jin will pop up SOON (I always see his name in the credits, and he's never there. They did the same thing with Michael last season--so, when he finally came back, it was almost like "Dude, you were supposed to be here weeks ago!")

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.1

So. I'm breaking down the season opener--but for everybody who knows nothing about "Lost"--let me attempt to recap.
Previously on LOST
Ok so Flight 815 crashed on this uncharted island full of booby traps and never-aging cults and CGI smoke monsters that only come around during sweeps season ANYWAY the homies on the island banded together lead by Jack (who's this doctor with daddy issues and a tattoo put on his chest by Bai Ling from Star Wars anyway he's so over that) cause they all wanna go home, right,
WRONG
cause the island is off the map and may be trapped in the past and there's this crazy chica who's like Xena's post-menopausal-shady-aunt

-named Rosseu--who's been on the island for YEARS,
just like Desmond (who was told to press a button every 108 minutes or else) anyway WHATEVER, nobody can leave (omg!) BECAUSE of the "Dhrama Initiative" (Drama Initiate) who be doing all these TESTS and shit (with polar bears and sharks and neilson ratings) and time travel (oh yeah, oh yeah, it GOES there.)
So 6 people got off the island last season (Go Jack, Kate, Sayid, Hurley, Sun, Aaron)
The Oceanic Six,
and we're all like "they should be happy, right; Mcdonalds, cars, warm sheets, Obama's president; they should be fucking happy, right?) WRONG
because
.....Well actually nobody knows yet.
Moving on.

"LOST: FIFTH SEASON PREMIERE"

Bye flashbacks.
Hello cluster-fucked-space-time-continuum-melodrama.
Smart move; now, we no longer have to sit through flashbacks that reveal Locke aided pot farmers (come on, you know some of those flashbacks were so whack.)
Whatever.
I LOVE the fact that the island's movinig through time. For the first time since season one, all the characters are completely clueless--pawns to the elements; the powers that be.
No kitchen.
No hatch.
Hell, no fire; nothing but the clothes on their backs and the fear in their eyes.
The time-warp also allows us to (hopefully) get the facts behind the islands most mind-fucking-tendancies:
Like the Smoke Monster.
Like the Black Freighter.
That hot latino-looking-brother who never ages, the one that helped Locke, (come on you know who I mean)-Yeah, whats up with him?!
........
Moving on.
Sun's evil.
Like, working for Widmore evil,
like femme-fatale-esque-interntional-Bond-girl-golden-era
Evil;
I'm liking it.
What about Sayid?
I want my dishwasher to dispatch dastardly dudes like THAT.
Damn!
I LOVE the action on "Lost." It's so balls-to-the-walls-kick-your-ass-pose-for-the-camera-90's-pazazz I scream like a little bitch when the fight scenes start and I cry for standing O's when they finish.
Now.
What the fuck is up with white-witch-Harry-Potter bitch up in the clocktower?!?!?!
Is she Danial Faraday's mother?
His baby's mother?
His baby's mother's constant?
A leftover lesbo from the L word, WHAT; I wanna know.
(Besides, I love that actress, she looks like she could take down Judi Dench in a Brooklyn backyard bar fight).
Finally:
Is this not one of the best shows on TV?
The season premiere made me gasp and laugh and clap my hands and think, think, think.
For the next 14 weeks, Wednesday's will totally rock.
Ikeout