Box Office Predictions: Friday, November 29tth

1. "Twilight: Ass Moon"
40 Million







I underestimated the tween-tsunami and it's effect on the young, the (really) old, the gay and the necrophiliacs.
Now staking out the third biggest opening of all time, "Ass Moon" will continue to shine brightly this week.
"Twilight" is a lot like Harry Potter.
Except in this version Harry's a total virgin and Cedric Diggory is a horny dead guy and VAMPIRES CAN GO OUT IN THE DAYLIGHT.
2. "The Blind Side" or "Precious For Dummies"
35 million
Poor Sandra.
The biggest hit of her career is destined to be a box office footnote in the glow of the "Ass Moon."
But watch out. Old people love crap like this, and by years end it will have crossed the 140 million dollar mark. Sandra might even inch super-close to taking down the "Ass Moon".
3. "A Christmas Carol"
13 Million
NOW it's time for a holiday that's a month away.
Going to see a Christmas movie last week would have been, like, WAY too soon.
4. "Old Dogs"
12.5 Million
Don't encourage Robin Williams.
5. "Ninja Assassin"
12 Million
This seems like it came out two years ago and is already playing a bunch of times on TNT.

"Get" Glee: Ep.11 "Hairography"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.........................
Did you cry or vomit while watching the sign-song choir preform "Imagine"?
A little bit of both?
That's totally fine. I'm right there with you.
This week, I watched "Glee" in the (formerly haunted) bar/music venue "The Spot". On two jumbo screens, I was allowed to openly geek out with fellow (I will NOT call them "Gleeks")like-minded-homies, who drank nearly as much as I did.
And thank God I was at a bar.
Watching this episode was like being i the back of your drunk-driving Aunt's pinto as she swerves her way through Thanksgiving Day Traffic.
There were so many moments that walked the tightrope of "wonderful", only to fall into the deep pit of "vomit."
Ian Brennan, the writer who was smart enough to have a whole football team preform "Single Ladies" mid-game, gave us "Hairography"an introduction to the art of faking it.
....................
1.
Eve and the Dancing High School Strippers
30 barely-legals dancing in yellow tops with black tights to a Destiny's Child song that's over 10 years old. Rachel dubbed their performance as a simply act of "Hairography": by putting emphasis on their wild and flowing hair, they're taking your eyes off of their mawkish and half-assed high kicks.
2.
Baby-Mama-Drama
Terri continues the WORST plot line on the show by buying her husband an old car so he won't fuck her.
What is this, the 90's?
3.
Quinn and Puck vs Cheaper By The Dozen
In a sub-plot straight out of "Saved By The Bell", Terri convinces Quinn to babysit her kids so Quinn will realize the evils of pre-adolescence. Quinn decided this would be a perfect time for a performance of "Papa Don't Preach".
................
The pregnancy story-lines need to disappear.
Completely.
Let's be honest here. While sitting at The Spot, looking around the room, I realized what Glee's target audience really is.
-Gay men.
-Gay women.
-Straight women with big bank accounts.
-Straight men who are dragged along in the process.
That's it. When the show panders to this "will she give up the baby" mama-drama, the entire tone of the show shifts.
It becomes about boring adults issues, and, worse, boring STRAIGHT PEOPLE issues.
The gays don't carry if you don't want to have a baby.
In these scenes, the show seems like a Monday night CBS dramadey staring Tyne Daly.
NOBODY CAME HERE TO SEE TYNE DALY.
However, the musical numbers truly saved this episode. From the Destiny's Child opening down to the "Crazy in love"/"Hair" mash-ups, the songs kicked the scripted narrative's ass. Adam Anders, the mixer/composer, has been doing excellent work in making over-used jingles seem fresh as well as touching up old standards.
It seems that the episodes which concentrate merely on plot "Wheels" and let the numbers sit in the background have a more consistent tone then the break-out-into-insanity freak shows like "Mash-Up"; which seem to be made to merely sell itunes.
.....................
"GLEE" G.P.A.
MUSICAL NUMBERS
A
GAYNESS
C+
DIALOGUE
B
STRUCTURE
C+
GRADE:
B-

"Peter Gallagher: Don't Give Up On Me"

Reviewed By Ike Holter
......................
Those eyebrows. Those eyes. That voice?
Peter Gallagher is like the male Sandra Bullock: always like able, but never entirely convincing.
Yes, Gallagher has appeared in several Broadway shows including the 90's revival of "Guys and Dolls" and "Hair". However, most people know him for his film and Television work, which spans the from high-art ("American Beauty") to high camp ("The O.C"). Anyone who can work under an Academy Award winning director and then fall straight into a syndicated tween series on Fox should surely have a lot to say about the state of theater, or film, or, I don't know, the weather.
Instead, "Don't Give Up On Me" focuses on Gallagher's obsession with actors like Jack Lemmon and Richard Burton. He uses these memories to shoe-horn in a few solos. Some transitions work exceptionally well, but even Elaine Strich might have trouble building a bridge between a monologue about Jack Lemmons car and a soaring rendition of "What's New Pussycat."

The Top 5 Ways To Pretend You're Good At Directing

by Ike Holter
.............

1.
Be The First @ Rehearsal.


Imagine an overzealous actor. Early for everything; always armed with a clipboard and a notepad and just a dash of insanity.
Think Tori Spelling, or Elmo.
Now, imagine that actor rushing to the rehearsal room, high on the authority of being seated before the stage manager even makes an entrance.
Time is money and if you're quick you're rich.
It's power.
Take that power from the S.M, the lead actress, your assistant director and the janitorial staff by being the first person in that room.
Even if you're sleeping.

2.
Tell The Stage Manager EVERYTHING.
Don't be afraid to treat the S.M like the Oprah that person obviously is. They're going to be chained down to a desk next to you for the next four weeks--you might as well arrange the chairs as if you're on a talk show. Try "Conan" style or maybe do some "Ellen" thing where you dance a lot. Maybe bring a few liters of vodka to rehearsal and try some "Chelsea Lately" dishing and bitching (but hide the booze in coffee cups like they do on "Leno".)
Anyway, S.M's LOVE the drama. So, make sure you provide enough O.M.G's to keep them interested in you BUT avoid T.M.I or else they'll think you're a total creep and probably blog about you.

3.
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
Don't touch the props.
Don't touch the set.
Don't touch the lights.
Don't touch the actors.
Ever.
Once you touch something suddenly everyone thinks you know everything about anything and the next thing you know they'll be handing you gaff tape and asking you to "measure off the stage" (And what does that even MEAN?) or telling you to take so and so's measurment's and put a doohickey on what's his face and don't ever ever EVER voulenteer to do ANYYTHING in the box office.
Folding programs is a gateway drug that will lead you to photo-copying and house managing.
Director's are meant to be heard, NOT seen, SO always keep a script in your hand so you don't get handed anything.

4.
Wear Something Hot OR Dress To Depress

Actors will always be the prettiest people in the room.
Don't get mad about it.
Instead, focus all of your pre-show energy into accessorizing. The actors are busy memorizing lines and the tech's doing whatever they do: You should find some shit to wear.
Now, there's two different schools of Director Dress.
SCHOOL of BRETT RATNER
Dress like a total fucktard so that the actors know you're cool as shit and dirty and high and you only wash your clothes at Christmas.
This approach is usually a last ditch effort at "relating to the kids" and is frowned upon in Regional houses.
You can only attempt the BRETT RATNER if you're working in theater with ticket prices less then 5 dollars OR working in a theater with ticket prices over 120 dollars.
NOTHING in between.
If that doesn't work for you, try the
SCHOOL of SAM RAMI
Dress up. Always. A nice tie with a button up or just a suit-coat and a short sleeve. Maybe a hat with a feather on it. Who knows? Make yourself look pleasant because you are not the best looking person in the room.
(Most likely you're in the bottom ten percentile.)
Clothes are currency and currency is confidence.

5.
Don't Fuck Up

No, for serious.
Everyone is depending on you and there's money at stake and you don't want to be that person who makes so and so quit loving what they do and become a vet.
Don't be too serious.
Don't make dick jokes.
Don't quote someone unless it's the playwright.
And, most important--
Don't yell.
(It's just tacky.)
However, chair throwing and wall punching are totally acceptable and are in fact appropriate.
But, once you smash your fist through the wall or chuck the folding chair, there's really nowhere else to go but yelling and YOU DON'T WANT TO YELL.
So stick to punching and chucking things, don't fuck the actors, be on time and dress like a total hottie and you'll be the best director of all time (adjusted.)

Box Office Predictions: Thursday, Nov. 19th

By Ike Holter
...........
Is this really the most anticipated film of the year?
We'll see. After reports of "Twilight: New Moon" breaking pre-sale records on Fandango and MovieTickets, this teen-vampire-mormon-maudlin-meltdown-mega-picture will open bigger then the highly anticipated "Watchmen" and "Wolverine".
I can't wait to look back at this in 2019 and laugh.
Then cry.

1. "Twilight: New Moon"
105 Million
The first installment pulled in 69 million over three days. People were shocked. Jaws down to the floor.
Sequels usually squander their new audience--made up of people who saw it on video, on an airplane--in the midnight showing/opening day bracket. The midnight shows are sold out and tomorrow will be huge.
2. "2012"
28 Million
They came. They saw. They shrugged.
2012 is playing like the biggest summer film November has ever seen. Expect a sizable summer drop below 30 million. It'll make one last Hail Mary marketing push through thanksgiving weekend, then make the slow slide to DVD in February.
3. "A Christmas Carol"
14 million
Something about the month of November and Jim Carrey kid films.
4. "The Blind Side"
12 Million
I'm shocked that most people aren't disgusted by the white-woman-saves-big-black-man-but-it's-OK-because-it's-a-true-story shit-storm Sandra Bullocks' been cooking up.
But people are coming. FOR TIM MCGRAW.
Listening to a McGraw fan explain their fascination for soapy procedurals like this is worse then hearing remarks made by the people in line for Sarah Palin's book tour.
Youtube it.
5. "Precious"
12 Million
It's gonna break out even bigger this weekend.
I stand by my "50 million by Christmas" prediction.
Oprah and Tyler are totally having a party.
*
Now let's check back on Sunday to see if I'm right on the nose or totally off my rocker. Or a little bit of both. (Everyday another holler.)

"Young Frankenstien"

@ The Cadillac Theater:
Reviewed by Ike Holter
.........................

Mel Brooks new musical comes with a litmus test.
Frankenstein and his Monster preform "Puttin' on the ritz" with top-hats and snap canes. After about two minutes they're joined by three supporting players: the girl, the sidekick, and the comic relief. THEN--the entire twenty-two person chorus.
The song goes on. For five minutes. With strobe lights. And costume changes. And kick-lines and leaping and pratfalls and it's all too much for most sane people.
"Puttin' on the ritz" is probably the only part of Mel Brooks original film that worked in musical form. Now, it's one of the worst numbers in a show weighed down with overload.
Roger Bart reprises his role of Dr. Frankenstein from the Broadway version of Mel Brooks original film based on the original story by Mary Shelly. (Wow. Headache.) Bart's energy is infectious; the entire supporting cast is at their best when they're keeping up with Bart's rat-tat-tat rhythm. After a supporting turn in "The Producers", Bart knows how to sell Brook's Sid Caesar style of speech.
While the cast is perfectly acceptable, the musical numbers are flatter then Frankenstein's feet and twice as clunky. Numbers come and go as they please with no real help to the plot.
Fans of the film will smile during the first act's nods to the original source material, but the slavish second act's reenactments of the classic film grind this monstrosity to a halt.
Once again: When the entire cast begins an over-choreographed dance break-down to "Puttin' on the ritz", you're either in for the long haul or you're out of the theater quicker then the first audience of "Springtime for Hitler."

"Get" Glee: Ep.10-"Ballad"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
.....................

Has anybody ever sung to a sonogram? Historically. Like ever. Like ever in the history of ever. Does it happen?
Well, call the Guinness Book of World Records because last night at 8pm some football jock laid on his bed in Ohio and sang a Pretenders song to the sonogram of his unborn child.
And I was fine with it.
More then fine. I think I might have been moved. Or nauseous. Maybe both, and that's not a bad thing.
Screw the Winter Olympics. The best tightrope walking on TV happens on "Glee". Every week they give the audience a jaw dropping obstacle.
Can a kid in a wheelchair sing "Proud Mary" and make it work? Can we have a mentally handicapped cheerleader be credible? Can a grown man impersonating a 17 year old honestly sing "I'll Stand By You" to a picture of a baby that's not even his?
Gold.
.......................
"Ballad", written by series co-creator Brad Falchuk, centers around the notion of song as story.
1. Stalker-Students
Shuester told the Glee kids to partner up and preform a ballad.
He also made the mistake of giving a white girl some Diana Ross song. (Nothing good can ever come of that. EVER.) Rachel become a star-drunk-stalker-4-Shuester, going so far as to clean his house and cook him dinner. With the help of a former tormented teen (Sarah Drew in totally nutso pajamas's mode), Rachel realizes she can't continue her feelings for her teacher and decides to cut the cord.
Thank God, because I dread the thought of a sweeps-week-special where Rachel decides to do a scene from David Mamet's "Oleana."
2. Baby-Mama-Faja-Drama
Selfish-ice-queen-ex-cheerleader-total-bitchface Quinn finally introduces the "Father" of her child to her parents. To psyche himself up for this, Finn decides to use his "most powerful instrument": His voice.
(I'd say actor Cory Moneith's most powerful instrument would have to be his charisma, but hey, this is a fantasy series, right?)
He tells Quinn's parents (through a Paul Anka song, of course) that he'sthe Father of Quinn's surprise pregnancy.
Gasp!
Shock!
Awe-hell-no!
Quinn get's tossed out of her house quicker then a toaster-strudel-slut. At the end of the episode, she moves into Finn's home and hopefully stops being sung an angsty little migraine.
...................
Now back to the singing sonogram.
"Ballad" succeeds because it follows the strict rules of an actual story-song. It tells a small story. It commits to it's utter cheesiness. It rocks by it's own rules.
The sonogram-scene can't be played for comedy. Or pathos. Or depth, or intelligence--it is what it is.
Cory Moneith's voice is terrible, but his conviction to the moment is monumental. He believes everything he's singing, he's committed to this insane world, and he doesn't wink at the camera.
Anyone who's seen "Gypsy" probably flashed back to Gypsy Rose Lee singing "Little Lamb" to her cardboard-cut-out animal.
Critics have called this the worst song in the show, but I'm always fascinated watching the actor who has to commit to this scene. It's a "book" moment. We're forced to watch a character at their most vulnerable because the story wants us to take note: this person bruises easily. Look closer.
......
MIDTERMS:
STORY:
A
GAYNESS:
B-
SONGS:
B+
DRAMA-RAMA:
B+
G.P.A:
3.33=B+

Bad Liteutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Reviewed by Ike Holter
........................
I don't believe in Nic Cage.
He's a centaur. Some mythical beast who could rear up on his hind legs and massacre a whole town in the middle of the night.
He terrifies me.
Watching "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans" was like returning to the scene of some traumatizing childhood nightmare. Based on a 1992 feature staring Harvey Keitel, "New Orleans" attempts to be deep, shallow, sexy, repulsive; violent, slutty, and obnoxious.
In the film's opening, we're introduced to Cage and Val Kilmer(?!?!): two burly, brash bad-boys patrolling the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. When Cage jumps into a flooded prison to rescue a drowning inmate, he permanently screws up his back, leading him down the "American Beauty" road of popping pills and doing various amounts of illegal substances.
Watch Nic Cage hallucinate! Watch Nic Cage solve crime! Watch Nic Cage assault two old women in a nursing home! (Actually, that scene is wonderful.)Famed director Werner Herzog lenses the film like a two-bit after hours noir flick on Skinemax but, with all this B-movie drama, "Orleans" can't quite muster the might to look into the mirror and find out what kind of film it truly is. It's not an action film, a drama, or a comedy. It's a performance piece for Cage; a fairy tale about bad men getting away with bad things.
If that's up your alley then step right on up to see the twisted tale of Mr. Cage.
I'll be hiding under my bed.

Box Office Results: Nov.15th

1. 2012
65 Million
-Well, I shot for 61 and I was right on the money.
Everybody loves disaster porn. It's like real porn, except in real porn you don't get John Cusack (with clothes on.)
This film cost 200 million. 200 million. (Remember when that was like a big deal? Like, most expensive movie ever made "big deal"?)
This will play out through Thanksgiving, but will get a major drop next week when "Twilight: Ass Moon" debuts in theaters.
I predict a final total in the 170-185 million dollar range.
Worldwide, it's huge; over 220 million dollars and counting.
2. A Christmas Carol
22 Million
A slim 25 percent drop. That's nothing. Next week, look for a total in the 15 million range, then, the week after that, it'll have a nice Thanksgiving bounce to about 20 million. "It's the most wonderful time--"
3. The Men Who Stare @ Goats
At a cost of 30 million, TMWS@G is on it's way to a domestic probability most other mediocre comedies can only dream of.
4. Precious
6 Million
In only two weeks, this Oprah/Tyler Perry produced "Slumdog" in the making (I HATE saying that) is going to pass it's 10 million dollar budget by about Thursday. Next week? More expansion. More per screen average then the number one film. Big numbers, long play; and we've only just entered the start of Oscar Season. "It's the most wonderful time--"
5. "This it it"
5 Million
Michael got his ass handed to him by an Obese black chick who steals fried chicken. (No, she does. See the movie.)
"This is it" is doing huge numbers domestically (it's already the biggest concert film of all time, beating--gasp--Hannah Montana!) But internationally it's gigantic.
This film will get to about 310 million worldwide and find a long and healthy life on DVD, especially with a release on--wait for it--CHRISTMAS WEEKEND!
"It's the most wonderful time--of the year!"

Theater Review: "A Very Merry (Unauthorized) Children's Scientology Pagent"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
......................
While some will surely wish they would have seen Scrooge, a savvy audience will embrace the creepy spectacle now playing at A Red Orchid Theater.
Preformed by the Youth Ensemble at Red Orchid (using much of the same cast as last year's VERY MERRY show), Kyle Jarrow's super-swift hour and ten minute satire tells the story of a young L Ron Hubbard (you'll find out what the L means later.)
The future founder of the Scientology religion embarks on a quest that is equal parts Wizard of Oz, Star Wars, Jesus and Superman.
Using catchy numbers like "Science Of The Mind", Jarrow puts an "Avenue Q" spin on Hubbard's quest for worldwide acceptance. When L Ron is finally brought to the stand by a bloodthirsty IRS agent, his teachings are put to the test as a group of devoted followers takes the stand, pleading for his innocence (not to mention, like, total brilliance.)
There's a few jokes that cross the line, but Very Merry is more interested in the child-like optimism of Hubbard's teachings then "SNL" style attacks. Director Steve Wilson has a steady hand that never slips into spoof.
That being said, there are aliens.
And a slow motion war, a dancing brain, Kriste Allen and Tom Cruise.
Needless to say, this is not your Father's scientology pageant.

Box Office Predictions-Nov., Friday the 13th

Simple predictions. If I'm wrong, you can shoot/sue/stalk me.
1. 2012
60 Million
-People love disaster porn more then they love popcorn.
Ronald Emmerich's long (like, two and a half hours long) disaster epic/sure to be shit storm was pushed back from it's original July opening into the wild open ranges of November.
Moving a summer blockbuster to a lonely Friday in Thanksgiving season was a great switch--who doesn't want to see John Cusack escape molten lava the week before "Twilight: Ass Moon"?
2. Christmas Carol
21 million
-Another slow burn. This is going to keep making money until December 25th. Yes, it's weird to release a Christmas movie before thanksgiving (like releasing Rob Zombie's "Halloween" in August...) but unlike the slasher-stinker, this pic is actually good. It'll drop a little more next week, but look for a big boost Thanksgiving weekend.
My guess? It'll top off at around 140-150 million.
But with "Avatar" stealing ALL of the 3D screens on December 18th (No, really. ALL of them) it's going to take a lot of marketing push to get people to see this in simple 2D format.
3.
The Men Who Stare @ Goats
8 Million
-People are actually seeing this movie.
Instead of waiting two months to rent it.
.....
4.
The Fourth Kind
6.5 Million
Teeheehee it's in fourth place lol how apt I mean not original I mean it already made back it's budget so who gives a flying fuck.
5.
Preciouis
6 Million
This is gonna be huge. Called it. It's playing in less then 200 theaters and it's already kicking major hardcore ass. My guess is it keeps playing in limited release for another month, then, in the thick of December awards season, goes ultra-wide and bags about 50 million before the years over.
....

"Get" GLEE: Episode 8. "Wheels"

Reviewed by Ike Holter
***********************
How seriously should we take this show?
Asian girl with a fake stutter. Cheerleader cheating off a girl with down syndrome. Girl with down syndrome being screamed at by cheer-leading coach. Pot cupcakes. Baby-daddy-mama-drama, gay boys breaking their own balls to belt "Defying Gravity", and a 12 person wheelchair propelled number to "Proud Mary".
I think this is the most serious show on TV.
Once you peel past the immaculately cut and prerecorded musical numbers, what's left?
Plenty.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Glee is a sad show about funny people.
For all the talk about this being "the happiest hour on TV" (Entertainment Weekly), what happened in last night's episode was infinitely darker and more daring then the number one rated new drama, CBS's "The Good Wife".
Now, since Glee seems to like the after-school-special-gone-wild approach, let's break down each preposterous plot beat--step by step.
************
1.
Gay Kid wants to sing "Wicked":
Try, fail, fall.
Now, there's no doubt that Lea Michelle was born to sing the cloying and overblown act one finale from Wicked. But Kurt's struggle to sync that mile-high F note was admirable--and then, in the next scene, terrifying.
Kurt's botched note was done on purpose. He couldn't deal with his Father receiving more gay-bashing calls at his uber-butch Car Clinic, so, Kurt threw the audition in the ingenue's favor.
What gay boy doesn't want to stand in front of his school and (figuratively) nail Idina Menzel?
2.
Asian Girl has a FAKE stutter:
Oh-no-she-didn't.
See, I didn't buy A.G's stammering. Not for a second. It seemed so shoddy, so forced; it had to either be fake or one of the worst attempts at the easiest speech affliction in the United States.
The whole episode was leading up to Artie getting to use his "working penis". The longing looks.
The giggles.
The Glee. (Yes, I went there.)
Just when you start to think this is a show nearsighted enough to hook-up the two characters with "disorders", Glee flips the switch.
Turns out A.G was pulling a Kaiser Soze and is a manipulating bitch who needs to get her shit together.
Who pretends to have a stutter?!
.....I mean, really?!? Drama.
3.
Sue has a mentally handicapped Sister who she visits and reads "Little Red Riding Hood" to.
.....Um. I think that says enough.
******

Now, we all know that the actors playing Artie and A.G aren't REALLY disabled; watch an episode of TMZ or Acess Hollywood and you'll see the Glee kids standing and speaking in long sentences with nary a stammer or a stop.
You can laugh. It's not "real."
But as soon as the Girl with Down Syndrome hit the scene, I started to feel queasy.
THIS is real. Like. Really-real.
How does a show that delights in spotlighting people's disabilities even THINK to put someone on the screen who actually suffers from something serious?
Lauren Potter is the actresses name, and I thought she did amazing work. Her character was treated with class and dignity.
We walked that tight-rope for a while, however--watching Sue Sylvester scream at a mentally handicapped girl is, let's be honest, heart-breaking--but seeing Sylvester's mentally handicapped sister in the hospital bed put the cap on any kind of bullying.
Introducing characters with D.S is always incredibly tricky. You don't want to put halo's around their heads, but if you beat them into the ground you become the devil.
Glee took the high road.
The shaky, narrow, maybe-a-little-un-PC high road.
This episode was written by Ryan Muphy, my least favorite writer on the show. Now, there were moments that crossed completely over the line (The football dude yelling "This is for YOU, Artie" was vom inducing) but on the whole I thought this was a pretty stellar outing.
****
MIDTERMS:
MUSICAL NUMBERS:
B
WRITING:
A-
DRAMA-RAMA
A+
GAYNESS:
A-
G.P.A
A-

"YEAST NATION"

@ ATC
Reviewed by Ike Holter



The first fifteen minutes of Yeast Nation play like the poor man’s Urinetown.
These pages would be grounds for plagiarism if they weren’t penned by Urinetown's very own authors, Marc Hollmann and Greg Koitis.
Shock!
By sticking to the same format that struck Broadway gold in 2002, Kotis and Hollmann take very few risks. Boy meets Girl. Girl inspires Boy. Boy leaves girl. Girl hitches up with Dude. Boy comes back. Musical comedy dramarama.
Maybe it's unfair to compare Yeast Nation's paper thin plot to Urinetown's equally skinny storyline. But when the writers cut and paste so much structure from their previous blockbuster, it's very difficult not to draw lines between Urinetown's plucky revolutionaries to Yeast Nation's green-trash-bag wearing ruffians. Yes, trash bags.
Green ones.
These prancing particles not only sing and dance but are forced to high kick in costumes that seem to be borrowed from Mugatu’s Derelict clothing line.
Director PJ Papeareli adds a high profile polish to the pedestrian first act, and it’s nearly enough to add meaning to a show that sorely needs it.
It’s only in Act 2 that the show evolves into an entity of it’s own. The numbers become sexier, the jokes play bigger.
It’s not enough to erase the cut-and-paste sensation that stood in as a first act, but any musical that ends with mass murder, a fight scene and a 70’s influenced disco number is a show that should be seen.

“Improviser! A Musical Sketch Comedy Revue

Now Playing @ I.O

Reviewed by Ike Holter

There are few events more terrifying then being trapped in a room full of off-duty improvisers. I.O’s “Improviser! A Musical Sketch Comedy Revue” recreates this hair raising event with the proper mix of humor and humiliation the situation deserves. With numbers like “Come See My Show” and “Sassy Black Girl”, the talented and tuneful cast pulls back the curtain on the Chicago Improv scene with razor sharp precession.

Kicking off with “Backline”, the Chorus Line esque (and masterfully mawkish) go-for-broke-dance number, Improviser takes us into the dark hearts of a group of moonlighting improv artists. They work crappy jobs, they sacrifice relationships for fleeting flights of fame; they fly, they fail, they fall. But just when this revue veers too far into the “laugh at the losers” bully-porn genre, the so-sad-it’s-true showstopper “Old Man Improv” shines a harsh light on the crisis behind the comedian.

For the (blessed) few audience members who haven’t been forced into hearing a rag-tag group of roustabouts recall that “classic sketch” from comedy class, Improviser acts as a teaching tool; spelling out the rules of tolerating Show People.

Get "Glee"

Episode 7, "Mash-Up"
Reviewed by Ike Holter aka Dot the I aka Black Blader
........................

Every great musical needs to stab you in the no-no place within the first ten minutes.
Some use an "I want" number. Some set the world, set-piece by set-piece. Others use high-kicking dance lines, explosions, deaths, nudity.
One uses creepy cats.
Really creepy cats.
"Glee", (which has finally crossed over the sanity line, congratulations) manages to present annoying, endlessly covered jingles in a way that puts the characters wants and needs into (over)produced declaration:
"Look at me--I'm sad and totally awkward, but really kind of awesome."
Last night's episode opened with Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrision) showcasing the freshest white-boy-crunk this side of Justin Timberlake. Schuester laid out the episodes plot:
The Glee kids have to find a mash-up to mix with the horrible 90's classic "Bust A Move."
Before we have time to ask normal, sane-person questions like "Why this song?" or "Isn't pop-hop dead?" or "This is kinda maybe sorta gay, right?" Schuester is off; shaking his ass, flipping his shit--he's a punch-drunk-pop-hop-punk and he doesn't care who knows it.
It's not even ten minutes into the episode.
Either you're with us or you're watching "The Ghost Whisperer."
.............
Thankfully, nothing ever came of the musical mash-up.
(I can imagine it would have included Rachel's sure to be belty mix of "Bust a Move" and "Defying Gravity" . Think about the itunes downloads.)
The real mash-ups in the episode were presented in three ways:

1. Football Vs Glee.
Coach Tanaka did the 80's thing and forced his rough-and-tumble pig-skin slayers to choose between the homoerotic shower room scenes of F'uball over the super straight Streisand singing of the Gleeks.
Who-will-win?!
2. Music Teacher Vs Horny Guidance Counselor.
Schue and Emma Pillsbury begin to deal with their sexual attraction in a sophisticated and adult fashion: By singing "The thong song" and "I could have danced all night" while fighting inner sexual urges under the watchful eye of Tanaka. Very Grown-up.
3. Puck and Rachel vs "Schlinders List:
Can these two jews get jiggy with it?

None of these mash-ups worked out.
Glee kicked footballs ass, "Thong Song" and "Danced all night" parted ways, and "Schlinders List" always wins.
Such is life.
.................
"Glee" knocks it out of the park when the show goes for the creeping sadness beneath the Journey covers and Jill Scott mixes.
It's a sad show about people trying to be happy.
Even Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch, EMMY) failed at her own mash-up of swing dance and in-office-dating. (I could have told her that in-office-dating ONLY works with salsa dancing or tap-dancing; never Swing dancing, silly Sue.)
Seeing Sylvester finally kiss failures waiting lips was funny--Jane Lynch in a Zoot Suit always is--but this time the drama outweighed the shtick.
Her retaliation: kicking Cheerleader-dead-face-mediocre-singing-voice-but-kind-of-pretty-preggers-girl off the team.
Sue did what no other characters could do on last nights episode. Instead of offering ultimatums or creeping away to The Loser Corner with the rest of the freaks, she stepped up and pushed her problems on someone else.
While all the other characters seem to repeat the fly, fight, fail process, Sue seems to be the only one who can grab victory out of vicious defeat.
She and Hilary Clinton could have a book club.
.................
This episode is a dead tie with "The Rhodes Not Taken", Kristen Chennowith's (emmy) episode. I love when "Glee" uses it's musical numbers for good (Chennowith singing Cabaret, Jessica Mays killing "I could have danced all night") and not for evil (last weeks abysmal "Set me Free").
While none of tonight's numbers hit the heights of "Somebody to Love", this episodes plot, dialogue and character building were superb.
(Tonight script was credited to Ian Brennan, who's a much better writer then Ryan Murphy.)
Here's the score-card:

MUSICAL NUMBERS:
B+ (That plus comes solely from Matthew Morrison and his ass, which has a mind of it's own.)

DIALOGUE
A- (Jane Lynch's cat monologue was stupendous and horrifying.)

QUEER FACTOR
C+ (That's not a bad thing. We just didn't get any footballers dancing to "Single Ladies.)

G.PA:
B

What say you? Hollerback!

Early Oscar Picks 09

Best Picture:

Up In The Air
Precious
Avatar
District 9
Inglouriouis Basterds
A Single Man
The Lovely Bones
The Hurt Locker
Up
9

Best Director:

Kathryn B (Hurt Locker)
Q.T (Basterds)
Cameron (Avatar)
P.Jackson (The Lovely Bones)
Marshall (9)

BEST ACTRESS

Abbie Cornish (bright star)
Gabby Sidibe (Preciouis)
Carey Mulligian (An Education)
Annete Benning (Mother and Child)
Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Julianne Moore (A single Man)
Penelope cruz (9)
Monique (Preciouis)
Melanie Laurent(Basterds)
Annie Kendrick (Up in the air)

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christoph Waltz (Basterds)
Peter Sarasgard (An Education)
Anthony Mackie (Hurt Locker)
Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones)
Christian McKay (Me and Orson Wells)

BEST ACTOR

George Clooeny (Up in the air)
Viggo Mortenson (The road)
Daniel Day Lewis (9)
Paul Bettany (Creation)
Colin Firth (A single man)

SCREENPLAY

Up
Inglouriouis Basterds
District 9
A serious man
The hurt locker

ADAPTED

Push
Nine
Up in the air
An Education
A single man

VISUAL EFFECTS

District 9
Transformers 2
Avatar

ANIMATED FILM

Up
Fantastic mr fox
cloudy with a chance of meatballs

Leave Kanye ALONE! or The Gay Fish Was Right

Let's put it out in the open.
Kanye's got ego. Attitude. He's over-emotional, he's complicated; compensating for something, angry, bitter, blitzed.
He's a gay fish.
Happy?
Great. Now that the pettiness of his pursuit for the limelight is in full focus we can all forget about the fact that the men redefined pop music, took several public stands against hip-hop-homophobia, and was the first public figure to point the broken arrow of judgement to George Bush's crossed arms once the levees broke.
But that's not important, right?
What's important--yes, Jesus, I almost forgot--
The important thing is that he ran up on stage, said a one sentence opinion, and crushed the dreams of a 19 year old.
.....
Who gives a red-hot-shit?
Every decade has famous, brilliant people who just happen to be nutso pajamas.
Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Maddonna, Prince, Tupac; these-are-people-who-would-not-friend-you-on-Facebook.
They are ego-driven, angry, not very nice people.
It is not Kanye's job to sit back as some interchangeable chunk of B-grade Americana takes an award she stole under the nose of an icon.
It is Kanye's job to take the stage and say what everybody else was thinking-
now,
not to say that his outburst was politcally correct--
It was rude ad juvenille and selfish.
But he was telling the truth.
..........................................................
The sad thing is? Everybody knows it.
Beyonce's "Single Ladies" music video is already a pop-culture-pinpoint of the years 2008-2009.
It's a catch-phrase.
A flash mob preformed the dance to record numbers.
The president of the United States can do the "Robot Hand."
It's here to stay in a way few songs catch on.
The video itself; a swift (seemingly) single shot is a masterwork of choreography, camera placement and percision.
It's hot.
Now, Ms Swift's video: "You Belong With Me."
Coke bottle glasses. Jumping on a bed. Teenage angst.
The song is literally about a girl at peace with her invisibility; she doesn't stand out in a crowd, "She wears short shirts I wear T-shirts"; she's a doormat.
She likes a boy. He likes a slut.
So what does Taylor do? Ms.Swift puts on a prom dress and gets the man by becoming something that's less then a shadow; she slips into a sliver.
The editing, the pace, the shot-set-up and the imagrey is typical mid 90's VH1.
If the sound was off, the 4 minute short could be easily confused as a scene from TV's "Gossip Girl" or a Clearisil Ultra commercial.
.......................................
"Beyonce had one of the best videos of all Time."
Debatable.
But one of the best of the decade? Sure. One of the best of the year? Fact.
This doesn't make the stunt on Sunday any less painful for Ms.Swift.
This also doesn't make Kanye a villain.
The man is obsessed with perfection. He does not understand mediocrity.
We shouldn't either. Instead of rushing to the side of another guitar playing, lite-rocking, carbon-copy-cookie-cutter-snap-crackle-pop-Shania Twain, we should be wondering how on God's Green Earth a masterwork was mistaken for a misfit next to the likes of a video Spike Jonze wouldn't wipe his ass with.
In 2007, West gave his BET award to Big Boi of Outkast because he felt an injustice had been done.
He spoke out.
In 2009, Kanye took the stage and stuck up for what he thought was the right thing to do.
He didn't murder your dog.
He didn't poison the town's water supply.
He was simply sticking up for what he thought was a massive missconception; holding a Prada magazine up to the Emperor's New Clothes and saying "I mean it's cute--But look at what you're MISSING."

.....Just telling it like it is.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.15: Season Finale!

PREVIOUSLY ON LOST:

So The Oceanic Six and The Island Six intermixed and got jiggy with it while being separated by a space time riff that made Juliet and Sawyer hit it, Jack and Kate get dramatic, and Hurley to still stay the size of the Titanic ANYWAY Locke's not dead anymore now he's back on the island killing boar leading the others to the statue to slay (whatever, check back to season four) ANYWAY Sun's all like "where my Jin at" and Ben's all like "I want DESTINY back" and Guyliners like "Run and TELL dat" and they're all off to find Jacob and everybody's got sandy caked-on-makeup and the season's ending just as shit get's bumfuck (what's bumfuck?) screw this noise I'M LOST!

TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Was anybody else staring at their TV after the "LOST" screen went white going
"W.T.F?!?!!?!"
Gun fights. Knifing. People falling from buildings. Catty one liners. Subs. AND--bitches getting run over by cars.
I don't know about y'all, but anytime some bitch gets suddenly run over by a car, I instantly update my grade to an "A."
Not that this episode needed any assistance--Lost ALWAYS pulls off a kick ass finale.
From the moment Jacob and whoever that fucker was (Let's call him, um, THE DEVIL) sat on that sandy beach and watched THE BLACK ROCK sail in, I was hooked.
And what is UP with the devil, anyway?

WHAT'S UP WITH SATAN:
Why he all about the drama?
See, I think this devil dude is the "course correction" thing on the island. He's the smoke monster. He's Ben's daughter. He's every creepy, sneaky, nasty force on the island.
If Jacob is God (and, basically, he is) then this dark-blue-denim-dude is most DEF the Devil himself.
He be working in mysterious ways, too.
Since he can't directly kill Jacob, he's gotta find some OTHER way to do it.
So he up and grabs Judas (Ben), dresses himself up like his dead daughter, and tells him to do whatever Locke says, knowing FULL WELL that HE IS LOCKE!
This dark-blue-denim-dude is ALL about the mischief. Using Locke as a "loophole" makes total sense--but why are there two Locke's?
Like--how CAN there be two Locke's?
I get the idea of a big bad taking over the appearances of the dead ("The First Evil" did it in Season 7 of Buffy; great great great show)--but I ain't never heard of no BigBad duplicating people. Isn't that just...wasteful?
And....complicated?
Hmmm........

TOUCHED BY A JACOB:
So, Jacob apparently had to touch all of the Oceanic Six to get them to the island. We saw Sayid, Jack, Hurley, Sun, Jin, and Kate all get molested by this ageless hottiemchothot.
Did his touch influence or protect them?
Things to think.
Now, as much as dark-blue-denim-dude is all about the mischief, Jacob seems to be all about the drama.
In that first scene (which I recommend re-watching at least once) Devil dude is all like "this will keep happening, no matter what people you choose"
and Jacob is all like "Maybe not this time".
Jacob is trying to change some fundamental flaw with the island. He's trying to get a certain crew of people to...fix something.
What is it?

HATE-KATE-SECTION
Ok what was with Kate being all heroic and shit?
I hated that shot of her, Sawyer and Juliet standing all Mod Squad in front of Jack's back-to-the-future VW.
Who she thinks she is?
A COCKTEASE, that's what she is.
I hate the way the characters made all their decisions--these huge, monumental, world-changing-choices--based on "love."
Jack wanted to turn back time so he could have another chance with Kate.
Juliet wanted to help Jack because she wanted to forget Sawyer.
PLEASE.
I don't know about y'all, but I watch LOST for the drama, the action, the mythology, and the mindfuck. I don't watch it to see Kate and Jack shoot "come fuck me before it's too late" looks RIGHT in the middle of my season finale.
Everyone?
Just get it out now.
You KNOW you wanted to see Kate die instead of Juliet.
Seeing her nappy hair swaying to the shocks of the electromagnum might even have pulled a tear from my cold-iron-eyes--but no.
We had to see the BEST FEMALE CHARACTER on the show sacrifice herself--
as nappy-headed-crispity-crunchity-peanuty-buttery-Kate stands, looking constipated and underfed.
This is the last HATE-KATE entry of the year--
I HATE YOU KATE!
...Anyway.

LOCKE vs LOCKE
It's going to be fascinating watching the entire season again (which I'm, like, totally gonna do, maybe twice) and try to figure out when Locke stops being Locke and starts being dark-blue-devil-denim-dude. ....See, it's weird, because d.b.d.d.d has all of Locke's memories--he remembers dying, he remembers the hatch, he remembers EVERYTHING--but he's not Locke.
W.t.f, guts. W.t.f.

ROSE AND BERNARD
Fuck. Yes.
Y'all know you wanted it.
Seeing dreadlocked Bernard and still-sassy Rose step out of the jungle underbrush was an emotional high point of the finale--FINALLY, two normal, hard working people who just want to be left the fuck alone.
No time travel.
No smoke monster.
No other-other-others; NOTHING, just each other.
I also love how they deliberatively avoided rescue.
Who needs Dharma-Drama-Camp when you can fuck all day and drink free leftover beer?
I hope we see these two again, hopefully standing over Kate's burnt body with a freshly lit lighter and a satisfied smile.
(EDIT: I'm still recovering from my Juliet and Daniel Faraday deaths. Excuse my bitterness; I only wish Kate a third of the actual death and carnage that I type.)

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:
So. Most of our questions were adressed--and then they threw us 80 more.
We know what lies in the shadow of the statue (the translation of Richard's Latin is "the one who will save us all.") but we don't know WHY that info is so important.
We know that dead people lie.
But we don't know why.
We know that the bomb goes off instead of the incident--but we have NO FUCKING CLUE what happened after that.
Maybe Miles was right. Maybe these characters are just on a loop--over and over again, trying to change the past, the present, the future--but it's out of their hands.
Maybe destiny is destiny no matter how it's dealt.
....Or maybe Jacob is seeking to change that. By touching each of the O6, he gave them a bit more free will--he gave them a choice.
Next season, we'll see the effects of that.
Guys, I love reading your comments. I'm sad this is the last LOST of the year--and I'm bummed that we can't keep fucking f-booking about this drama.
Same time, next year?
Final 16 episodes start....in eight months.
Till then there's Weeds, True Blood, Mad Men, and a bunch of other summer shows to look out for.
(I also recommend starting "BattleStar Galatica". If the last season of LOST can end like that, the show will be perfection.)
Until next time--NAMASTE, MOTHERFUCKAS!

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.12-14

PREVIOUSLY on "LOST"-

So the islands all like "I'll put a spell on you" and our castaways are spread out in two different time periods (Hot people=1977, ugly people=2007) and everybody's going all vision questy trying to find their fathers or talk to dead people or make star wars sequels ("Lost", it GOES there) ANYWAY shit gets bonkers when hottie-mc-hothot Daniel Faraday comes back to the island on a sub and goes all RipVanWinkle on these motherfuckers and is all like "Who says I can't change the past y'all don't know me I'ma crazy mofo from the wrong side of the island, BRING IT!" and then shit gets broughten when he stumbles into the camp of the Hostile Other-Other-Other's-Others and gets shot by his Mother (Oh, Brother) anyway Locke's alive and wants to kill Jacob, Jack's jumping into subterranean holes in the ground (And I'm not talking about Kate's loose vag) and Hurley STILL doesn't know who was president in 1977 (it was Jimmy Carter...Right...Right?!) oh who cares fuck this noise I'm LOST.
...........
TELLING IT LIKE IT IS:
Wow. When "Lost" takes a break, "Lost" takes a BREAK.
I didn't recap the last few episodes because I think they would all flow better on DVD. Honestly. There's not much I can pick apart from Ben seeing his dead daughter or Hurley and Miles chomping scenery while waiting for the end credits to come I MEAN waiting for something...to...happen.
The "Lost" Lull totally busted apart last week--Daniel Faraday (formerly my favorite character/constant/fan-fiction-fodder) bought-the-farm.
It turns out his "whatever happened, happened" speech from a few weeks ago was total bullshit.
....Or was it?
If we're to believe that the past CAN change, then Daniel's theory is wrong.
But, if his quote still stands, then that means his Mother--The whitehairedharrypotterwitchbitch (come on now I TOLD y'all they were related)--KNEW that she would, one day, shoot her son.
THAT means she sent Faraday back to the Island to die.
That's cold, yo.

THE HATEFUL WOMEN OF "LOST"
Speaking of whitehariedharrypotterwitchbitch, what is her fucking DEAL?!
FIRST she lets that sleazy-steamy-pile-of-cheesy-d-bag Widmore knock her up,
THEN she makes her son stop playing the piano to focus on science (Come on, piano players get all the red-headed-nose-bleeding-chicks)
AND THEN she has the NERVE to dress like she's about to teach a make-up session of Herbology.
Get your priorities straight, woman.
(EDIT: Sorry. I am still reeling from the death of my beloved Faraday. I was already supposed to be past the 7 stages of death, but I think I'm on the eighth, which is callous, unadulterated bitchiness.)
....Anyway.
SPEAKING of people who fuck up everything they touch, what's up with Kate?
Christ. Can this woman do ANYTHING right?

KATE'S LIST OF HUGE THINGS TO FUCK UP IN THE MOST MELODRAMATIC WAY--Day 3
1. Save future Hitler Ben from getting shot in the heart from Sayid. (Just because, lol!)
2. Totally tell his Father what I did and put my homies life in jeopardy. (Sweeps week ha-ha!)
3. Crash Juliet and Sawyers love sub with my wandering eye and generally foul odor. (Check!)

Kate's a homewrecker, a fate-tester, and a slap-dash-mad-cap-thunderclap-clusterfuck.
If ANYONE dies in the season finale, it must be Kate.
(But I think it's gonna be Juliet.)
BUT IT SHOULD BE KATE!
.............Finally.
We have Sun, who, honestly, is just trying to find her man.
I get that.
(Faraaaaaaadaaaaaaaaay---)
No, I do. I understand her need to fulfill her destiny or whatever.
But.
Honestly.
Girl? You're turning into a broken record in a world of zip drives.
If this chica stands on the beach one more time, listens to some dramatic speech by Locke, nods her head like she's listening, then raises her hand and asks "If we do whatever you just said, will we find Jin?" I swear to Richard Alpert I will write a hate-rap about her.
Sun just needs to CHILL. Nobody knows what's going on, girl,Nobody!
...Except maybe Jacob.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

So, like I said, shit is TOTALLY hitting the fan.
All the pieces are in place.
The Hot Crew is all set to rewrite history by evacuating the island--only to have their plan thwarted by Jack, who, for some reason,thinks his "Destiny" can change everything when he activates an HBomb.
(When did activating a bomb ever SOLVE anything,Jack. Damn,I thought you were a doctor. Man of Science,more like Man of Bullshit.)
Meanwhile, the ugly crew is on a magical mystery tour lead by formerly dead Locke to the Center of the Island to Kill Jacob.
Jacob, who no one has seen.
Jacob, who may not exist.
Jacob, who might turn out to be special guest star Toni Braxton.
(Kidding. Maybe. Kidding. Kind of. Kidding.)
......Here's what I think is finna go down.
I think we're going to get another mind altering, W.T.F cliffhanger, a'la season 3.
I can't imagine this time travel thinking stretching on into next season--I just can't.
I don't know about y'all, but I have a hard enough time keeping up with the ever shifting rules and regulations with jumping backwards into time--I'm not saying I don't dig it (I do, dig it, I do)--but it's waywayway complicated.
(I have similar issues with the new "Star Trek", but let's not get that gay today, OK?)
...I think someone's gonna die. (Juliet, come on.)
....I think someone's gonna return (Claire? Please.)
.....And I think we'll see Rose and Bernard. (HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA!)
But of course I could be wrong. Maybe Jacob's the smoke monster,or a dinosaur, or a dinosaursmokemonster, or maybe Jacob's Jack and Jack's Jacob in the future or maybe what lies in the shadow of the statue is an action figure of Bobba Fett and all hope is lost and Jin will never find Sun and she'll spend the rest of the final season on a broken record like the island skipskipskipskip of fuck this noise I'M LOST!

Oh no. They. Didn't.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.11

PREVIOUSLY ON LOST:
(All in one breath, people.)
So all these homies crashed on an island like three years ago and theres polar bears and smoke monsters and inter-racial-radical-relationships (it GOES there) anyway just when these people think all the drama's finally done with they meet up with Dharma homies who are all like "we're others" but then we realize that they're other-others and their leader is Ben, well, BEN'S all about destiny so when 6 of the plane crash homies leave Ben goes all Gandalf and summons them into a fellowship to go BACK to the island they got AWAY from to save their frienemy's get an emmy and maybe, MAYBE--Find out what happened to Rose and Bernard.

TELL IT LIKE IT IS:

Look, I don't HATE Kate.
I think she's a mildly interesting character who gets a lot more screen time then she deserves--but I don't HATE her.
I hate Rachel from "Friends". I hate the cast of "The O.C". Bush. Star Jones. Hitler.
I don't HATE Kate.
...That being said, Kate episodes are always the weakest.
It's, like, a rule.
Last nights episode? Maybe the weakest of the season, but still, I didn't hate it. And, a weak episode of LOST is usually better then anything else on TV (As far as, oh, I don't know, THE PEABODY AWARDS say.)-So I was totally fine with "Whatever Happened, Happened."
Now, I know my Madea meandering about Kate was totally unjusitifed, but still, when Kate was dragging Aaron around town I thought she was totally gonna throw him out of a window.
Come on.
Aaron's a whiny little brat (who eats better then I do) and Kate looked like she wanted to throw down on his sassy ass; if not Madea style then at LEAST "Mommie Dearest" esque.
But she didn't.
Turns out Kate's a far better Mother then we give her credit for.
Yes, she selfishly stole Aaron so she would have a skin-tight alibi, but she cared for him for three years--who DOES that?
Oh, that's right.
Kate does.
Now, I could mention the appearance of the hot chick from the long-con, Clarie's Grandma, etc, etc, but I think that's giving this subplot a little too much praise.
(And, let's face it. That "Long Con" chick was probably just excited to get some work, has anybody else seen her in ANYTHING besides LOST?) Didn't think so.
Meanwhile, Hurley and Miles did a wonderful job having the exact conversation I've had ever since this season began.
"Ben can't die, because if he dies then nobody comes to the island, but if nobody comes to the island that means the plane never crashed, and if the plane never crashed that means Locke never walked and Kate's in jail and oh my god my head HURTS."
Basically, Miles stated what's already been stated.
There's only ONE time-line on the island--since the island is seperated from everybody else in the world, it's easier to fuck with the past because destiny has course correction.
So, say, I was DESTINED to fall on my ass and get superpowers while rollerblading over a chemical plant.
Great.
So, the story is that on Saturday, March 3rd, I rollerbladed, fell on my ass, and got superpowers--that happened.
Now, let's say the Island 6 goes back in time and prevents me from doing this on March 3rd--good for them.
BUT--no matter how much they prevent me from blading, no matter how much they try, I will, somehow, FALL ON MY ASS and get superpowers;
maybe it won't be on March 3rd, or 4th, hell, it might happen on April 1st, but I WILL fall on my ass...
And get super-powers.
(Still with me?)
So, Ben can't die.
Now, to all those know-it-alls who thought that just because Ben was shot in the heart meant he was off the show, dissapeared from history, wiped clean (Anders)--I-told-you-so!
Shit.
(Don't hate the player, hate the game.)
Anyway, Kate saved the day by (once again) over stepping her bounds and completely tearing shit up just so she could be the hero.
She brought BenJr (with Sassy Sawyer in full Han Solo mode) to the Hostiles--and what do you know?
Out pops Guyliner.
Now, when Guyliner picked up Ben in his arms and said he was going to take him somewhere so Ben could "loose his innocence" I almost called child protection servies, but I'm SURE Guyliner ain't no Faraday.
My guess is he's going to infuse Ben with "the sickness"--aka "the smoke monster."
He will become a TOTAL other, not just an other-other (or the notoriously shady other-other-other-others.)
Creepy shit.
So, even though Kate pawned off her kid to Clarie's Mom, she's still a good person--she's going to bring Claire back (to life?) and save BenJr from the brink of death.
Isn't Kate just......TOO.MUCH?!

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

So, Kate-Haters, did anything change for you?
I thought Evangiline Lilly did some fine work in this episode.
Where's Faraday?
We haven't seen him since he first got to the Other's camp--that was THREE YEARS AGO.
Nobody even mentions him.
W.T.F?
I'm excited to see where Sayid is hiding--maybe he's chilling with some Arbor Mist and Rose and Bernard in a sun-drenched-hope-soaked-crepe-canopy! (Or, they're all, you know, DEAD.)
And what ABOUT Guyliner? Why's he still so sexy? Is he like Peter Pan trapped in some NeverneverLand master plan (and is he SINGLE) and what's up with Jack being all snappy (I think the beard's gone straight to his brain) and does anybody else think it's NOT a good idea to put all the Losties together in a cabin to "avoid suspicion" and oh fuck this noise I'm LOST.
-ikeout

Tell it like it is, Miles.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.10

PREV. on "LOST"

So the Oceanic Six got caught in a space/time riff and now they're in the thick of Dharma circa '77 (except for the redheadednosebleeder; she got died from the sickness of the space/time slip) anyway DharmaBabies are everywhere (Ethan, Ben, Redheadednosebleeder), and the Oceanic 6 and the Island 6 are banning together in all kinds of weather to make the whole world better (and Kate's in some Mama and the Papa's sweater) and Sayid's going full speed to hell unless Lafluer can tell it like it is and call it like he sees it (did they even do that in the 70s?) fuck this rhyming shit I'm LOST.

TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
Ok, where my man @?
It's been WEEKS since we saw Faragay's hotness.
I miss the mumblecore.
Whatever, as long as he isn't shacking up to the redheadednosebleeder in some dirty, dirty Lolita-like fashion, I'm all for his exile.
He needs to go all Simba and come back and shake some shit up.
Or maybe he's with Rose and Berand in the "we'll deal with you later" pile on the LOST writers desk.
Anyway.
Back to the characters who are actually ON THE SHOW.
....Totally Sayid's episode. And thank God for that.
This felt like a flashback to the season one days; the only times were went into flashback-mode was to get information that would help us see what was going on in a new fashion.
This wasn't just a Sayid episode; this was a Sayid/Ben episode.
All of Sayid's off island pain, torment, and drama came from Benjamin Linus's Santa Claus hate-list.
Or maybe not.
Maybe, Ben was helping Sayid. A killer is a killer is a killer right?
Maybe Ben was just pushing Sayid to go all Dexter instead of simply going all Iraq War.
Who knows.
Speaking of Ben, little Ben is totally jeepers creepers.
With his Harry Potter glasses and "papa don't preach" attitude.
Shit.
Little Ben spent the episode with Sayid (in a VERY "Harry Potter and the Prisnor of Azkaban" sort of way-come on, think about it) and,
in my (totally right) opinion,
set that bus on fire to cause a commotion so he could free Sayid.
Meanwhile, the 70's have totally made the "Losties" act like it's Grey's Anatomy or something.
Juliet + Kate changing a car and talking about boys was the most ABC this show has gotten all season, and I hope it stops there.
(Hurley as the roly-poly-rolly-jolly cook was also circling the toilet of too-much, but I'll take it.)
Thankfully, the flaming-bus will set the show on a different direction.
We've only got a few episodes left, homies, and in that time a LOT of ground has to be covered, all leading up to the "incident."
Now, here's where I get confused.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

Is "the incident" when Ben slaughters all of the D.I?
Or is it something else entirely?
Hmmm.
Oh, and about that time-travel stuff.
Yes, this awesome episode ended with Sayid reverting back to his killing instincts: he shot Ben, point blank, in the heart.
Now, my homie Anders thinks this means Ben is "off the show", which I think is bullshit. (Besides the fact that MIchael Emerson is contracted for the rest of this year. Anyway.)
I think Ben's going to survive.
Know why?
This season is all about DESTINY.
Ben was DESTINED to get all these people back to the island.
He CAN'T die.
Remember that scene with Michael, off island, last season?
He tries to shoot himself in the head.
He can't.
Why?
The island won't let him.
So Ben's going to survive. He's going to think he's the second coming because he survived.
...This helps me.
There is only one timeline.
You can't change the past--for instance, if the Losties try to stop "the incident" at the end of the season, they will fail.
"The incident" will happen, regardless of their intervention.
Destiny Calls, motherfuckers.
....But what about Faraday? He sets the rules but he's trying to break them with the redheadednosebleeder; is he crazy? And where's Rose and Bernard? Are they with the other-other-other-other-Hostiles, and is there cake? Didn't you love the seduction turned Boba-Fett scene, and wasn't Jin such a BITCH, and I hope Juliet beats the shit out of Kate again, (and is that bad) oh who cares fuck this noise I'm LOST.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.9

PREVIOUSLY:
So the Oceanic Six went back to the island to save their homies BUT little did they know that their homies had become part of the Dharma Initavie with freakycreepy jobs like Janitor (Sawyer) Mechanic (Juliet) and DharmaDramaCamp Babysistter (Daniel FaraGay in full-on Benjamin Button mode) ANYWAY Locke's alive and all vision-questy, the redheadednosebleeder is dead (not like Locke-dead; like Shannon dead, like Eko dead, like Michelle Rodrigez's career dead) and some baby was born on the island and Rose and Bernard are probably totally fucked and Guyliner's looking finer then ever (and might be older then Larry King) maybe he should have a show but there's no TV on the island at least no internet just the smoke monster (W.t.f is the smoke monster) oh who cares fuck this noise I'm LOST.
.....................

TELL IS LIKE IT IS:
First of all, 1977 Ben is like Harry Potter's dark and mortally fucked up twin.
Same glasses, some hair, same "Destiny" obsession (shouldn't Ben be all up with the "Star Wars" trivia and his rubic-cube collection, I mean come-on)--kid is FUCKED UP.
....But not the most fucked up character on this show.
At least, not this episode.
Let's list them, from least to most.

5.
Sun and Lapeduis and Ben: VENGANCE MISSION!
Sun is ALL about the drama.
She ain't putting up shit with NObody.
Y'all saw her lay the smack-down on Ben. Bitch is CRAZY for Jin and will stop at nothing.
I also dug how Lapedius
1. Went all Sully on that TitanicShip and landed on the runway (the same one Ben Had Sawyer and Kate build in Season Three)--dude deserves a medal.
2. Got bored on leading the survivors and basically said "peace out y'all" as he went to follow Sun.
3. Was the only person with sense enough to tell somebody NOT to trust Ben. Jesus, don't these people ever read my blog?
Their final confrontation with GhostDad Christian was totally badass too.
And did anybody catch Claire in the background?
Right when Sun is looking at the picture of the "Namaste" crew.
Don't you wish you had DVR?

4. Juliet-The Sane ONE
Her slow realization that the child she was holding was none other then DharmaBaby Ethan (Which I totally figured out last "Get Lost"; I'm telling y'all I'm a Maverick Maverl with this shit)--was a perfect bit of acting and totally non-annoying.
Also, her "it's in the laundry" aside to Sawyer was a great example of their relationship.
AND--her swoop-in to save Kate from TOTALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING UP during her Dharma interview.
Juliet is a Golden Godess.

3. Sawyer and Jack-The Leading Men
Love the role-reversal with "Man of Science" Jack and "Man of Six Pack" Sawyer.
Even though the Churchill comment was a little too bizaree to be belived, Sawyer seems to have his shit together--
HOWEVER
I think Jack did a fine job steering everybody clear of catastrophe in the early days. I mean, w.t.f was the guy supposed to do?
Sawyer's got a lot on his plate, and his promise to free Sayid will clearly be an epic-fall (judging be next week's previews.)
At least we didn't have to sit through long scenes of Jack and Sawyer staring at Kate from diffrent directions as the score throbbed and Kate's nappy hair blew in the sea-wind.
Oh, wait.
WE DID.

2.
Miles and Hurley--The bumbling clusterfucks.

Mile's in full on Dharma mode makes perfect sense. His rat-like tendencies and general shadiness make perfect sense when surrounded by a group of people who treat shadiness as a suntan lotion.
Miles is straight, right? Because in 3 years--you would THINK--he'd find some Dharma Intern to go down on in the interim.
I mean, he can talk to ghosts, right? Maybe he could engage in some of those after-life-orgasms that are so popular on "Grey's Anatomy" this season (not to mention "Ghost Whisperer").
Hmmm.
Anyway, I wonder what Hurley's new job is going to be. Everything he touches seems to turn to shit. I'm suprised he didn't blow the lid on the whole operation ("Who's the president in 1977?!") and send everybody back to square one.
Hurley? The answer you're looking for is Jimmy Carter.
Hindsight is 20/20.

And, finally, THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON on Last Night's LOST was--

1.
Kate-the Medea without a Mind

.....W.T.F is up with this chica, I mean FOR REAL.
Girl needs to pound down one of those 5 hour energy drinks or drink some coffee or do a line (come on, it's the 70's) but PLEASE woman WAKE-UP.
Not everyone is wooed by your whispery line readings.
Not everyone likes your "me too can do" attitude.
Shiiiit.
Even Sawyer's had enough of AssFreckles; y'all saw that ugly 70's Mama and the Papa's shirt he gave Kate, as if to say "cover up you sleazy hootch."
For a former wannabee con-woman, Kate couldn't even think of a decent lie during her Dharma interview. Didn't she escape a hospital in a police car?
Didn't she set a house on fire?
Didn't she wear a blonde wig?!?!
If this bitch thinks she's the next Alias she's got a lotta shit to learn.
Kate's a babykiller, a cheater, a liar, and not a naturaul burnettte.
Just telling it like it is.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

SAYID-
So Sayid's in deep shit. Why did the island put him in the 70's and leave Sun and Ben and Lapedius in the 00's?
Poor guy. He's always forced to remember the fact that he tourtued/improsined innocent people for the majority of his life. Everytime he thinks he's hit a new rhytym (like voulenetering for GreenPeace off the island) he's sucked right back into the cycle.
I think we'll get a big old flashback episode with him next week.

THE NEW SURVIVORS
I'm glad Casear is their new leader, because he seems INSANE.
Oh well. Now the show has 48 new people to kill in the most random ways possible--I wanna see some fuckers get snacked on by the Smoke Monster, or at least get pulled into BlackWidowHaterKate's web of death.

ROSE AND BERNARD
Where the fuck are they?!?!!
I hope they didn't turn into those Adam and Eve skeletons.
WE NEED their middle aged desperation and general "Gilligans Island" drama!
Or maybe...they were abduced by the 70's Other's (not the other-others but the other-other-OTHERS)--the hostiles.

And what's up with new DharmaBabyEthan? Is Kate going to go all Madea on that shit to protect the future? Will Juliet and Kate get in another handcuffed fistacuff? WHERE'S DANIEL FARADAY call child protection, call Libby, call WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT call Michael (oh wait he's dead, no wait he hasn't been born yet, no, wait) oh fuck this noise I'm LOST.

Get "LOST"-Season 5, Ep.8

PREVIOSUILY:
So The Oceanic Six and The Island Six are now in the same place at the same time (even Locke, who was dead, but now he's not, maybe, I don't know) anyway last time we saw the Oceanic Six they all jumped on a plane that went all Titanic (tramautic; NOW they're back on the island trying to save the people they left behind and Kate's all Medea and Jack's miserable and Sayid's a refugee camp all star and Hurley's still huge and Sun's Vengance Mission and BABYAARON is dead (How dead, like Locke dead or like Eko dead) maybe like Amy Winehouse dead so he's still walking about but he's only dead inside oh I don't know fuck this noise I'm LOST.
..................
TELL IT LIKE IT IS:
First off--
Ok so W.T.F is with that huge statue?
I freaked.
It's totally the three toed statue from Season Two's finale.
Even better, it looks (at least from the back) a lot like an Egyptian God: Maybe Osiris, maybe Anibuis, maybe Isis.
These Gods all at least hold some connection to the underworld, which would make episode 6's title "this place is death" an errie giveaway......Since Locke is walking around and there's a big freaking statue of OSIRIS hanging around, could that mean that the Lost island is some kind of gateway...
Whatever. I ain't even getting into that hippy dippy shit, mmmk?
I'm all about the characters, and this episode was loaded with them.

JULIET
She's been king of hanging around this season.
Sassy comeback here, "bang bang shoot shoot" there, but no huge character arc. When we first met her, she was an hourglass loaded with mystery, secrets, suspense; all about the DharmaDrama.
Now? Ever since Jack's flipped the light fantasitc, she's been regulated to sad-sack-status, which is where LOST writers seem to put character right before they kill them. (See: Ecko, Charlie, Shannon, redheadednosebleeder.)
In this episode, Juliet totally snatched the bad-ass crown and held it high.

1. She birthed a baby. (I think it might be that guy who kidnapped Claire in season one.)
2. She made Sawyer tell it like it is.
3. She's a hardcore monkeywrenching mechanic.

All signs of bad-ass-ness and total control. I'm glad she's back on the wagon.
At first, I didn't buy the lovey-dovey eyes her and Sawyer shot throughout the first leg of this season, but now I'm all about it. How desprate, bored, and horny would YOU be if you were stuck an some shady island in the early 70's?
The answer? Horny enough to boink Sawyer.

MILES
Everybody's favorite sassy-shady-scientist.
Was he born on the island? If so, that makes him a helpful ethnic addition to the ever-growing spinoff, "LOST: DharmaDrama Babies".
If not, I'm wondering when he's going to get his "3.5 million dollars" from Ben, because he's not doing much right now. He's GOT to be put to good use soon, what with his superpowers (the sixth-senseness) and total bad-ass-ness.
Do we see any dead people?

JIN
He's just punchdrunklovelost right now. How many hairy palms do you guys think he got in the 3 years pining for the love of his life?

FARAGAY
Speaking of hairy palms, this kid must have to shave on a daily basis.
I personally did NOT want to see Faragay going all Benjamin Button on the redheadednosebleeder's 4 year old version of herself.
Shit is NASTY!
Y'all saw the way he looked at her.
Shady.
BUT, let's keep tabs on that relationship.
Why?
1. So we can alert child protection services.
2. Because the redheadednosebleeder said that a "creepy old man" told her to never go back to the island. My guess is that it's Faragay.
Creepy.
Finally--

SAWYER

My. LaFluer himself.
(For those of you thinking of googling; the name mean's "Flower.")
Former-con-men can always shit out lies at the drop of a hat. Sawyer not only managed to keep the team safe on the island, but he inserted every member of the Island 6 into huge roles within the Dharam Initiavie.
Also, that convo with Guyliner? Totally creepy.
I wonder how hostile the Other-Others are willing to get.
True, we know Ben was sent to kill the Dharma-Others in season three, but who sent the order?
Could it have been Guyliner?
Hmmm.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT:

I wonder how much these characters are fucking with the space time continium--or are they just doing everything according to plan?
Were they ALWAYS destined to go to the 70's and help the D.I--or are these events changing the ENTIRE history of the island?
V. confused.
But, at the end of the day, the show works it out. We're never bogged down in mystery-mode; we're interested in the characters.
I cried when Sawyer locked eyes with Kate on that dreamy seascape; her nappy, shredded, stingy hair blowing in the wind with a look of Trailer-Park-Wonder etched into her sagging cheekbones.
Magic.
No matter how thick the mystery gets (and I believe tonight's episode will only stir it up even more) we always have the characters to latch onto...As Desmond would say, they're our "constant."
...But really, w.t.f is up with that staute, and is Guyliner like the big bad, and where's Jacob, and is Faragay a pedophile (eeew) anyway where's Smoky and who are the REAL others not the other-others but the other-other-other-others (others?) WHOSE BABY WAS BORN what did they do without the internet for three years did they get to see "Star Wars" oh fuck this noise I'm LOST.
.................wWWWEEEEErrrrrrrrOW.